sbux_addict Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hi everyone, Wow, I haven't been on ENA for a while. Well, I'm still with the same guy I've been seeing and we just hit our 6-month mark 2 weeks ago. Now, I don't believe that there should be a time-limit or a deadline on when you should fall in love by, or say I love you by, but it has been bothering me that he hasn't said I love you to me yet. I haven't said it to him either because, while I'm definitely NOT traditional, it's one of those things that I think the man should initiate first. Our relationship otherwise is great. Through his actions, he's shown me that he does care for me deeply. I feel like this has been one of the healthiest and awesome relationship I've ever been in. He has brought up wanting to have kids and getting married, but where's the validation of the commitment through, "I love you"? What I'm really scared about is prolonging this relationship and wasting my time. He said that his last relationship lasted 2 years and he never said the L word to her. He said that he stuck around because he felt sorry for her, so, I'm kinda scared if he's doing the same thing. He assures me that I'm completely different from her, and that he would never do that to me, but just knowing that he's capable of doing that makes me insecure. He's a divorced and 15 years older than me. I asked him this morning if he thinks he'd ever get married again. I know it's somewhat out of the blue, but his answer somewhat bothered me. He said, "Why are you asking such a weird question?" before answering me, "Yes." And then he goes, "Why do you want to get married?" I said, no, I was just curious. Then I asked him why he thought the question was weird and then he took it back and said he was just messing with me. I'm not the type to wait around and waste my time on something that will never happen. The question is, am I being reasonable? Our relationship is great, so, what should I do? Thanks in advance for your response. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Is he possibly commitmentphobic? Or reluctant to get serious again? You have to look at his actions...does he treat you well? Talk to you well? Is he kind and sweet? If so surely its worth waiting to hear those words. Or you could take the first step and say them. Maybe hes not saying them cos hes not sure if you feel the same. Link to comment
DN Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 while I'm definitely NOT traditional, it's one of those things that I think the man should initiate first. Why? Why should the man have to say it first? Too often people retreat to things they think are traditional simply because it is safer for them - they don't have to risk rejection or not hearing the response they want. So they say things like "it's the man's job to do that". It's cool wanting and demanding equality in a relationship - but that means accepting responsibility in all aspects not just those that are not difficult or scary. Link to comment
sbux_addict Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 Is he possibly commitmentphobic? Or reluctant to get serious again? You have to look at his actions...does he treat you well? Talk to you well? Is he kind and sweet? If so surely its worth waiting to hear those words. Or you could take the first step and say them. Maybe hes not saying them cos hes not sure if you feel the same. That's what I'm thinking and if that's the case, I'm not even going to go there. I've dealt with enough commitment-phobes that I think it's just a complete waste of time. He does treat me really good though. That's why it didn't bother me initially, I've just always wondered. We spend a lot of time together, he always brings me to his family events...but so did his ex gf. I just don't get why he would even drop the marriage bomb or the kids bomb if he's not "in love". Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I've been with my gf for 9 months now. It's going great. We haven't said it. No big deal. She shows it through her actions. Link to comment
sbux_addict Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 Why? Why should the man have to say it first? Too often people retreat to things they think are traditional simply because it is safer for them - they don't have to risk rejection or not hearing the response they want. So they say things like "it's the man's job to do that". It's cool wanting and demanding equality in a relationship - but that means accepting responsibility in all aspects not just those that are not difficult or scary. That's not the case for me. In a couple of my past relationships, I did say I love you first to the guy...and had to wait 3 months to hear it back. In hindsight though, it made me realize that he probably said it back because he felt pressured to do so. That whole relationship, I felt like he wasn't really into it as much as I was...no wonder I said I love you first. I'm not scared to get rejected, I just think that men are wired differently when it comes to "love". I'm all about equality in a relationship, but you also have to take into consideration that men and women have different responses to certain situations. You can't ignore that. Link to comment
sbux_addict Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 I've been with my gf for 9 months now. It's going great. We haven't said it. No big deal. She shows it through her actions. Hmmm...I'm curious as to why. Have you said it to her? Link to comment
DN Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 But there are too many cases where women have said "I love you" first and it has been well received to make that generalisation valid. The fact that it didn't work for you in the past doesn't mean it won't work for you this time. Perhaps it hasn't worked for him in the past either and that is why he hasn't said it this time - if that is the case, both of you are in the same position and the relationship is stuck. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 That's what I'm thinking and if that's the case, I'm not even going to go there. I've dealt with enough commitment-phobes that I think it's just a complete waste of time. He does treat me really good though. That's why it didn't bother me initially, I've just always wondered. We spend a lot of time together, he always brings me to his family events...but so did his ex gf. I just don't get why he would even drop the marriage bomb or the kids bomb if he's not "in love". He may well be in love. Your not his ex, You cant keep comparing you and him to him and her, its completely different. Your his future not her. If you want to say it, say it. Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hmmm...I'm curious as to why. Have you said it to her? No. Why do you have to? I've been told it so many times before it's just a meaningless phrase to me. Actions are what I look for. Link to comment
npsgnome Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I think he has commitment issues, and proably being a divorced male. He is proably in no rush to get married again anytime soon. How long ago did he get divorced? how old is he? I'm a 32 year old male that is going through a divorce right now, and trust me it leaves a bad taste in your mouth about the whole concept of marriage. I don't have full fear of commitment, but I'm not sure if I ever want to truly get married again. Marriage is not what t use to be, maybe with the right person yes, but I'd really have to be sure. Maybe he just wants to be sure. and I agree with Mutley, its in the actions and the little things. Its all about the little stuff. How does he look at you when he hasn't seen you for a few days? does he give you a kiss out of the blue. And about the man having to say "I love you" first that is a bunch of standerdized bs. you don't attach rules to stuff like that! If you love someone you should express it. Cause its not Love if you are just waiting to hear it first... Link to comment
pinkrobot Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 It could be a committment issue, as a few others have pointed out. But I still think it's too early to really panic about it. Someone made the comment that you're not his ex, which is very true--this is a different situation, and just because he couldn't say it to her doesn't mean he'll never say it to you. For the record, I was with my boyfriend 7 months with no "I love you," and I finally broke down and said it to him. He started saying it to me constantly after that. So I know your viewpoint is that the guy should say it first, but there's no harm in telling him yourself if you truly feel it. Link to comment
sbux_addict Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 Thanks for your response, everyone. The relationship is strong and he's a great guy, he makes me feel loved and cared for. I suppose I shouldn't really be worrying - well, if it's been a year and he hasn't said it, then, I'll think about it. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 i didn't tell my first long-term gf until some time after the year mark. she told me within 2 weeks. i said thank you. Link to comment
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