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Samvise

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Hi, I am Sam and this is my story;

 

I have always had relationships with girls but when I was in high school I noticed a picture of a naked muscled guy while my mates were messing around in an IT lesson. Ever since that moment I have questioned myself “am I gay?” because I also had fantasies of being with another guy. It only got as far as questioning myself; I never actually tried things with a guy….anyway that’s the background information, now I will move onto my story.

 

I was 18 working in a local convenience store when my friend from produce came over and asked if I wanted to go to the cinema with him that night, I said that would be cool and also plucked up the courage to ask a girl I fancied to come with us. This girl was amazing, I was in love when I first set my eyes on her when I first got my job at 16, I had just never had the guts to ask her before. Let’s call her Hannah.

 

Anyway Hannah said she would come and I got her mobile number so I could call her when I was outside her house ready to pick her up in my car. We had a cool night at the cinema and after I had dropped everyone back home I ventured off home alone, knowing that this could be the first step towards a great relationship.

 

As I had Hannah’s number we started texting and it wasn’t long before we were meeting 3 or 4 times a week being very happy in each others company. One thing led to another (as it does) and before long it was 5th April 2007 and I was in a relationship after 2 years of being alone.

 

We had some great times together, spending most of our free time with each other but at the beginning of this year things got cold. Hannah had lots of University work to do and not realising it she pushed me away, as I had lost connection with my friends I used to sit on the internet while she worked. I spent a lot of time on an owners club for the vehicle that I own, taking interest in one particular guy who posted regularly, let’s call him Brad.

 

My friendship with Brad got stronger and stronger every time we spoke; I had met him in person a couple of times when I attended club meets. We had so much in common and I put all of my trust in him meaning I used him for emotional support and no longer shared my feelings with Hannah. I only realise what happened now because at the time I knew I was falling head over heels in love with Brad.

 

One weekend, when Hannah was busy with her family I arranged for Brad to come to my neck of the woods so we could drive about and get some shots of our cars together. I have to say that I had the time of my life, nothing intimate happened between Brad and me but I just had such a good day being with him.

 

At the time I thought I was in love so I did what was obvious to me, I left my partner who I had been with for 2 years. I told myself I didn’t love her anymore, I know only now how much I do love her and how much I do care for her.

Hannah wanted us to stay friends so I did the minimum to stay in contact with her, she wasn’t happy with this so our friendship grew bitter to the point where any contact was forced and uncomfortable for both parties.

 

I had moved on, I got straight into a relationship with Brad and we seen each other every weekend. It was brilliant……for 2 weeks. Then it stopped, I no longer had any attraction to him and dreaded having any sexual contact with him. I didn’t want him anymore, goodness knows why. I carried on for about 6 weeks, pleasing him because I felt too much guilt to break someone else’s heart. He was and still is in love with me and I know if I shown interest in him again he would be over the moon.

 

Then it was enough, I left him not being able to do it for any longer. I was getting miserable as I was unhappy. Brad was a fantastic friend but that’s all I wanted from him, I wish I had realised this before. Before I made what seems to be the biggest mistake of my life.

 

I suppose I always had the thought in the back of my mind that Hannah would be there even if I screwed up she would forgive me and take me back. I couldn’t be more wrong about this. Hannah had moved on with her own life finding another guy, I am quite sure it only took her a month after we broke up to find someone else. Then again who am I to talk when I did the same thing just much quicker, getting with someone else in a matter of days!!

 

I am an emotional character and it’s not unusual for my emotions to cloud my judgement and affect my decision making. I made all the wrong decisions and regret pretty much every decision I have made in the last 3 months.

 

Now I feel lonely, depressed, rejected, unloved, stupid, worthless just to name a few! All I can think about is Hannah having sex with her new man, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach knowing she could still be with me if I hadn’t screwed up,

 

I have put this story up more to see what people’s reactions are to it then anything else, although if anyone can give me some advice to stop me feeling so horrible I would love that.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Sam

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This is just life that is happening to you. Everybody has done something like this, everyone has broken someone else's heart, no-one wants to do it, but there is no avoiding it in life I'm afraid, not if you want to be happy.

 

Everyone regrets decisions, but you still made them, because at the time they were right for you. You wanted to explore things with Brad as you were unhappy with Hannah, so you called it a day. Everyone regrets a break up at some time or another, but it is only because you are feeling lonely right now. If things were great with Brad and you still felt what you felt for him, then you wouldn't even be thinking about Hannah. And of course, everybody learns in life that not everyone is going to wait around in life for you to want them back, people move on. This is what you should do.

 

It's just one of those things, there are plenty more things in te future for you to look forward to, lots more lovers, of whatever sex you so wish, more relationships, more happy times and probably more heartbreak.

 

Lesson Learned: Think very carefully before ending a relationship, the grass is not always greener.

 

You are just growing as a person.

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I think mca1975 is right, don't even think of this in terms of gay/straight, you simply left one person for another and regretted it. This kind of thing happens to so many people and sadly the only healer is time - if you think you can fix things with Hannah then try your best, otherwise try and move on and learn from the experience!

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Life is one big learning curve. Each and everyone of us has to experience love, heartache, regret and pain at some point in our lives. It is what turns us into the person we eventually become. It also teaches us valuable lessons and makes us sensitive to others.

 

Next time you find yourself in a similar situation you will know that it may be worthwhile to address issues that could be bothering you and to try and make things work before you walk away so quickly.

 

Don't be so tough on yourself. Even if Brad hadn't come along things with Hannah may not have worked out and as mca said if things had worked out with Brad you wouldn't be thinking of Hannah.

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Thanks guys, I am really glad I signed up to this community!! I have spells of feeling good and then feeling bad. One time I feel as if I dont care but another I will be crying that I wont ever hold her again.

 

I am on a good spell at the moment just noticing things I have done since I left her, I have applied to go on a college course, I have also applied to do some volunteering and I have got the motivation to lose weight and be happy in my skin.

 

I would never have done these things if I had stayed with Hannah, I had no self-worth back then. I am sure when the time is right, I will be in a relationship with someone else. Who knows, I could be happier!

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I am on a good spell at the moment just noticing things I have done since I left her, I have applied to go on a college course, I have also applied to do some volunteering and I have got the motivation to lose weight and be happy in my skin.

 

I would never have done these things if I had stayed with Hannah, I had no self-worth back then. I am sure when the time is right, I will be in a relationship with someone else. Who knows, I could be happier!

 

Good always comes from bad. Sometimes we need a kick up the butt or a shock to the system in order to start making changes. You will definitely be happy again one day there is no doubt about that. You just need to be patient. Hang in there you will get there.

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