Letting Go..trying to.

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Here's my story,

 

I dated this girl for a year about a year ago, we broke up because she said she was commitment phobic, and she bought some books to read saying that if she can't date me she doesn't know who she can date, that I am wonderful and the best person she has ever dated etc. Even though we continued to see each other exclusively and act like best friends and be intimate. About a year and a few months ago we stopped being intimate and I had a job assignment in Canada for a few months. We still talked everyday and when I came back however she still loved hanging out with me and we did all the time, making plans together etc, she would call all the time to do things, however as friends, I was hoping she would see how much fun we had together still and how good i was to her. I now realize I should of cut her off and done no contact back then, as I believe she took me for granted and I was too available to her. Anyway we continued on like this as best friends calling each other updating with our daily lives. I wanted to be with her so bad, but since I couldn't, I started dating casually hoping that it would take her off my mind, but all it did was make me realize that I missed her more. Without being conceited I am a good looking guy, good job and generally a happy go lucky person. There are a lot of women that have and do want to date me, but I am just not interested I wanted to date this girl, she is the one that has my heart, later on she said she got bored with the relationship when our relationship came up again as opposed to what she said before, WTF. There is one girl that is interesting and there is some chemistry but she is in Canada and I am staying away from long distance relastionships and I have told her the same. Its funny that the women you don't want always want you and the women you do take you for granted. Obviously a generilization but I definetly feel this way now. I understand the whole challenge thing, but you shouldn't have to play games the whole time you are dating to keep someone interested. I am an independent person typically, but loved spending time with her, past realtionships. We had a good relationship and still hung out. I know you are thinking gluton for punishment.

Anyway things were good until the beginning of the year as far as us being friends, but I was also realzing that I must let go as I would go through the ups and downs of when she wasn't around, I guess the analogy used is like that of being on drugs, a high when she is with you and low when she is not. I realized I was banging my head agains a wall, so I started to back off a little, obviously not enough. But I still missed her terribly and inevitably we would still talk...enough to keep my heart attached. I don't think she did it on purpose, maybe she liked the attention. But she has a good heart at least I would like to think so.

Anyway at the beggining of the year some guy from her high school started e-mailing her and she became romantically interested. She has a tendancey to jump into relationships fast, I was hoping that it would be like that an infatuation and then fade as he was far away. This started back in February so I was hurt and backed off a little. He genuinely seems like a nice guy which makes it seem worse. However he lives in California and she lives here Florida. So for the past month or so we have had minimum contact and I miss her. We talked briefly albeit short last friday she called to say hi, but I avoided the call and called her back later. Converstaion was brief and we both got off at the same time. Anyway it was obvious to me that we could both tell that there is tension. I felt slighlty better this weekend as I just don't expect her to call anymore, but I obviously wish she would. Anyway a huge part of me wants her back....but I also don't think we could have a relationship now because of all the tension between us as well as she now has a new strong romantic interest. I made a point of not asking about him whenever we talked, sort of hoping it would fade away as he was so far away. Anyway today was a bad day, my two credit cards were stolen last night and I didn't find out until one of the company's called me this morning to ask about suspicous activity. Anyway turns out they were both stolen from my gym last night and the person has been having a field day, needless to say my blood is boiling and I am fuming...so I do the stupid thing of calling her to vent...she starts talking about her life and I talk about the credit cards, she then mentions casually how busy her life is, shes graduating from MBA school soon, going to spain and then to California. Thats when my heart skipped a beat. I didn't ask why, even though I wanted to but, I already know the answer, to go see the guy she has been conversing with for the past few months. It just made my day worse to think that soon she will be with this guy that is nice and she is romantically interested in...and to think about her being intimate with another guy is upsetting. Its hypocritical in a way, but I didn't want to date other people I wanted to date her....so yes I have been with other people, hoping to get her out of my mind but she has always been in the back of my mind. Which is why I have been avoiding seriously dating anyone as I don't like to date for the sake of it, nor when I can't put my heart into it. I know I should start no contact. She graduates this weekend and I had a small present for her, which I think I should still give her. I know it is not part of no contact, I was thinking about just leaving it in her car, with a card. Anyway I am still upset about her wanting to date this guy in California, I really want it to fail, I know online dating and long distance are prone to trouble I have done long distance so I am hoping the distance will work in my favor. Hopefully it ends so she can recognize how she took me for granted, but then again I guess everyone on this forum thinks the same thing. I have been through break-ups before(6 year relastionship and I keep telling myself I got through that I can do this)I so hate this, I know back to no contact. I know what I should do but it doesn't make me hate the situation any less. I guess I am venting and hoping that her long distance relationship fails. I know its bad to wish ill on people, but I just hate the fact that she took me for granted, maybe she just liked me around because she liked the company/conversation etc until someone else came along.

I was doing a lot better this weekend until I heard about this California trip thing now I am down again and the credit card thing is annoying as hell too. I guess all I can do is stop contact and sit back and watch. Does it make sense to even talk to her every once in a while. After say a few months of no contact, so that she does not forget me entirely, as in out of site out of mind?

[ziggystar]

i know this might not be what you want to hear, but i think you took yourself for granted. i think you took needs for granted and gave way to your wants (being: wanting to be with her). your need is to get mentally/emotionally healthy for yourself.

 

and here's a thought for you to thwart the idea of her being with the guy in california. you say she's commitment phobic, she still is even with the new guy. commitment phobic people tend to do things like have long distance relationships with people. it's hard to commit to anything with someone thousands of miles away. and as far as her moving to california, that's what she says now. but when it comes down to it, i doubt it. and even if she does, nothing will happen with that guy. because once she moves there, it will be too close for comfort.

 

i wish you the best. i completely empathize with you.

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Ziggy,

 

When you say I took myself for granted are you saying that I gave up too much of my time to her? But if I enjoyed that time is it the same thing, its not like I felt I made sacrifices to do stuff with her. I still hung out with my friends etc, going out at night with other people.

 

Well I think she has a tendency (as do a lot of people) to fantasize about someone, to the point that the fantasy can not ever compete with the reality. Although I would think keeping the fantasy alive would be easier in a long distance relationship, because you don't deal with the day to day activities that can, be burdonsome on a typical relationship. So you go away meet them, everything is perfect. Then you dissappear for a little while then go back and do the same thing over again. Very unrealistic, anyway I am hoping it fails, not saying I would take her back if she came back, part of me says yes(my heart) my brain says we need a LOT more distance between us emotionally, so that there isn't tension from the old relationship. I guess I always love and keep on loving the people I have loved...sometimes I think its one of my biggest assets and biggest detriments at the same time, that I am too loyal. Anyway part of me still misses and ex from 3 yrs ago, that cheated on me in the end, I would never date her again but do wish it ended differently.

So I will have to create a clean slate in life.....just hard I guess. Maybe I am fantasizing a little too.

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OK so about the graduation, (she graduates from MBA school this weekend) present I really want her to have it, it something I got in germany that I think she would appreciate. Its nothing big, just a small metal suitcase, size of a small lunch box, with places all over the world. She likes to travel and thought its a good little present now symbolizing that she now can.

I sort of want to give it to her then go back to no contact, after I give it to her congratulate her, I have no reason to talk to her again. I don't want to be an ass and act like I forgot about her graduation. I have been there from the very begininning so it would seem rather calous to just ignore it like it didn't happen. I don't expect her to come back to me or anything, although part of me would maybe like that. But I do want to give it to her. Do you think its a big deal to do so, along with a card?

 

Should I wait a while to give it to her, or just give it to her next week and then resume no contact? or neither

 

Thanks for the advice

[nenez]

This isnt probably what you want to hear but you have to move n. You are both locked in a destructive cycle. You are tying yourselves into a reltionship that can only hurt you. She will not commit to more than friendship and you cannot be happy with that. No contact means just that.

Be nice, give her the graduation gift, wish her luck and then leave it. Give her the chance to move on. If you belong together she will be back. The time and distance will give you a chance to break theemotional tie. You will then be bale to be friends if that is your wish but you need time to grieve and time to find yourself again.

To continue as you are is both selfish and destructive on both your parts.

Try to be happy with yourself before you move on to someone new. Give the new person in your life a fair chance too.

Best of luck, we have all been there. Time will heal.