tx_bulldog Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I'd really appreciate any help and advice. I'm dating this girl non exclusively that I really really like. I'm ready to settle down but she says she's not ready for a relationship. When we drink, she tells me she loves me and acts like a whole different person. She tells me I'm perfect in every way and that she's so mad at herself for being scared. When she's sober, she's more guarded. Her actions are mixed signals. She'll spend most of her free time with me and will stay over 8 out of 10 days. We hold hands...we kiss goodbye when one of has to leave. So what should I do to help her move along? Do I keep this up...hanging out with her all the time? Or do I need to play the game and be less available. She's a gorgeous girl and has lots of options and I'm sure she'll excercise those options if I'm not around. I suck at the game and wear my heart on my sleeves. I tried not to text her for a day and that was hard! Thank goodness she ended up texting me because I wouldn't have been able to keep it up. What do you think I need to do? I really think she likes me, but she knows I'll always be around so she'll take her time. Link to comment
Anyway Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 ...What do you think I need to do? I really think she likes me, but she knows I'll always be around so she'll take her time. There's your answer. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 You asked her to be exclusive...she rejected you. I'd move on. Link to comment
tx_bulldog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 I actually haven't asked her to be exclusive. She'll just throw lines out there saying she's not ready to be exclusive. She says one thing, but her actions show another thing. Link to comment
lakeviewguy80 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I actually haven't asked her to be exclusive. She'll just throw lines out there saying she's not ready to be exclusive. She says one thing, but her actions show another thing. backburner material Link to comment
TheOther Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 She'll spend most of her free time with me and will stay over 8 out of 10 days. How long have you been dating her? For someone claiming not to want a relationship (at least when she's sober), she's spending a ton of time with you. I'd feel smothered with 8/10 days in this early stage. If she seems non-commital and doesn't seem like she's coming around to matching your desire for 'something more', backing off on the amount of time you spend together may be a good idea. Link to comment
tx_bulldog Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 We've been officially dating non exclusively for about 3 weeks now...but we've been hanging out for about 2 months. Link to comment
savignon Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 She's demonstrating a pattern of being hot and cold. At my age (33), I'm not interested in the drama or the "when you're drunk we're in good standing"....no, thank you!! If I were still 20 or 21, it might be a different story. Depends on what you're looking for and where you are in meeting your ultimate goals. Link to comment
Casey13 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I've dated these types of girls and although I hope your outcome is better than mine was I never ended up getting anywhere with any of them. She will continue to behave this way and eventually when she feels like she's let you in too close in time she'll you get rid of you. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I dont think that you are terrible at dating but it seems to me that youre letting your feelings get the best of you. As others have pointed out, she has rejected you, because she doesnt want a relationship and you do. The more youre around her the greater the attachment will be to her. It seems to me that you cannot keep the relationship casual so you have to stop seeing her. Link to comment
hers Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 You don't have to play any game. Have you told her that her signals confuse you? Try honesty before you play any games. Game playing is poor communication and it doesn't solve anything. Try talking to her first. Link to comment
WindowTo Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Tx, it is very likely that she will drop you if she feels like you two get to close. The main thing that can be a real pain with these sorts of people is that they can drive you absolutely crazy and then they will have an excuse besides their intimacy issues to break up with you. Don't let this drive you crazy, be stoic about the whole thing if nothing else. Link to comment
Nixee Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 backburner material I hate to say it, but I agree with this. Possibly she has been hurt before, so she is guarded because of that... but more than likely she is just having a hard time truly making up her mind to commit to you because she isn't feeling 100% head over heels. As you said, she likely has a lot of options - so she wants to be sure she gets it JUST right - she wants to be totally in love, wants to feel secure (so she won't be hurt), and then maybe she can let some guard down. Until then, everyone is backburner status and she avoids the "R" word. Your choices are to remain completely available to her - and whether she commits to you will really be a toss-up... but I'm betting on 'no', since that is what she's said so far. OR, become LESS available, while making it clear to her that you do care for her a great deal and are there for her.. but that you just don't wish to be in a casual relationship with her. Link to comment
remmie111 Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 You need to back off. Also, she sounds like she might be an alcoholic? I dunno, ask a friend to advise you who knows her. You are too available, and she is getting used to the sex. Go see that movie "He's just not that into you" and you will see yourself in one of the male characters! You deserve better, I would love to date someone like you that I liked. Good luck! Link to comment
Lonewing Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 By being available to her, you are allowing her to play you in her game. You want to remotes back? Let her go. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 I have learned when someone says "i'm not ready for a relationship", it has always turned out to mean they just didn't want one with me. Link to comment
strategos Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 I don't know her situation so I'd refrain from making assumptions. It may be too soon to ask for exclusivity. Everyone has their own conditions as to when to be exclusive, you may have met yours before she did. I would also say that it would depend on whether or not she's a monogamous dater or not. If she usually dates only a person at a time you have nothing to worry about. By her being monogamous you two are de facto exclusive and you don't even need to ask. If she likes to date other people, then you have a problem. You would have to find out from her how she feels about you. From her mouth and not from anyone else. She sounds like she wants you to take your time and slow down. If you want to stay, slow down. Link to comment
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