I'm a clingy girlfriend! Help!

[sparkles87]

I have been with my boyfriend over a year now. We moved in together 6 months ago. He does so much for me, he helps raise my son and moved me out of a really horrible house in a bad area. He's given me a car to start learning to drive and I have more now than I have ever had. I was a 21 year old single mother before I met him.

 

Problem is I can't seem to help myself from becoming clingy and jealous. I have never been like this before but I am pertrefied of loosing him and I feel like he is my life, like I wouldn't be able to live without him.

 

This is causing me to smother him. I want to be around him all the time, I feel hurt when he wants to go out without me or do things alone with his friends, I want him to be affectionate towards me all the time and give him a hard time about it, I constantly ask him if he's annoyed at me or if I have done something wrong and I feel threatened by his ex's and other girls. I check his phone and email and have never ever found anything to worry about, he has never given me reason to worry. At first he was really understanding, knowing I am insecure, have been through a lot with previous boyfriends and feeling worthless as a stay at home mum... but now it's getting to a point where he's saying he can't handle it anymore and if things don't change he'll have to leave me because it's making him miserable. Plus, he works hard, he has a good full time job that stresses him out. He often says he feels like he's still in work when he gets home to me, and that he feels like he's baby sitting me. When I start being needy now he starts getting angry and tells me to leave him alone before he says something he'll regret.

 

I have been trying to concentrate more on doing things for myself. I have started making and selling jewellery and am trying to pass my driving test so I have the independence to do more for myself and my son, but being a stay at home mother to my two year old son means I am often left feeling like I can do nothing for myself and trapped in the house because there is so much bad weather and I can't drive. I hate feeling like I can't financially support myself and I have to rely on my boyfriend for money, lifts etc. Also I am quite young (22, my boyfriend is 33) and none of my other friends have children so I don't see them much... they're out getting drunk and I am in changing nappies etc. I get quite lonely, not to mention bored somedays.

 

I know that it's driving him away and I am going to lose him, but I love him so much! I don't know what to do, I just feel like I can't help myself!!! I need some advice off other women and men to save my relationship!!

[nutbrownhare]

You already have plenty of insight into what your problem is, and what the solution is, although your circumstances make it difficult at the moment as you can't drive, and all the other things you mention in your post.

 

However ... your post really is all about YOU being needy, and nowhere does it mention that you're responding to HIS needs. What would he like when he comes home feeling stressed? Some guys might just need to be left alone with a coffee and the paper, others might want a back rub - do you know? Have you asked? Paradoxically, responding to someone else's needs is also nurturing for you, yourself, and rejuvenates the other person instead of draining them. It will also help you feel like less of a victim and less needy.

 

Even if you can't get out and about, are there people online with whom you share interests e.g. the jewellery/other artistic interests? You clearly have a creative streak - use it, nurture it, share it with like-minded people and you have a resource which will see you through times where many people would have died of boredom!

 

Stop telling yourself you're going to lose him, or it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you really need to do now is to find yourself.

[sparkles87]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I know that when he gets home from work what he likes is to veg out in front of the TV for a few hours, or go online. I know I should just leave him alone, read a book, whatever... but I sometimes hust can't help myself! It's like an out of body experience because I know what I am doing is stupid and destructive and inside I am telling myself to stop but I just can't! I know things will be better once I am driving and my son will be starting school next year so I can start working but I have to control it until then or it'll be too late!

[Applewhite]

Why don't you pick up a movie you will both like, have his favorite dinner ready when he's home? That way you get to spend time together.

[MT1981]

I think hike14 has a very good post there.

 

he likes to watch tv - so rent out a movie. Or just watch tv with him. Snuggle up to him.

 

Also for yourself - you can maybe invite friends over for lunch or something as well - since you cant leave your boy behind?

 

Other thing I can suggest is to see a psychologist to get rid of all your issues.

[WindowTo]

This is really more about your finding your own identity and independence. Yes this guy has helped you a lot but saying things like you feel like he is your life is the problem. He is not your life. Look at it from his perspective, or anyone's really. We all want to be with someone that can provide us with something of value. If the main thing that the other person values is US and lets all of their valuable personal attributes fall to the wayside, then it is hard to stay attracted to that person. When a partner in a relationship loses their identity and becomes obsessed with pleasing their partner it feels like they are getting away from the person we fell in love with in the first place. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't make your SO a priority.

 

Anybody can sympathize with your reaction in this circumstance. You are financially in a hard place, have a child, and are still young. There are a lot of emotions that push you towards this type of behavior. You have an opportunity here to grow though. You should be proud of the seriously responsible and great things you are doing. Learning to drive, waiting to work, taking care of a kid. Don't define yourself by other people's standards. Your friends are partying and getting drunk, so what, there are a lot better things to be doing with your time.

 

I say look to the future, set out some good goals and write them down. Do things that make you proud of yourself. Try to define your meaning in life and make your main motivation self fulfillment and stay away from making it trying to please your boyfriend. You may already know this, but it is so rewarding to make the reason for doing the right thing and working hard that you want to prove to yourself your own worth. When people see that they are attracted to it and they admire it. Sorry if this advice is vague.

[sparkles87]

He did say he feels I'm not the person he fell in love with and I have changed. He said when he met me I seemed independet, always smiling and happy and let nothing bother me. It is true though. When he met me I was in University studying Psychology and doing very well, I would go to the gym in my lunch break and walk there and back every day so I was healthy and in better shape. In general I was happier and more confident because I did things that made me feel good. When I did well in an exam, or did an hour in the gym I felt good. I had to give it up because the person who baby sat for me in the week couldn't do it anymore, and it was becoming icreasingly difficult to find different people. In the end I felt bad about leaving my son with different people every day and wanted to be closer to him as it was getting difficult to juggle.

 

Now I rely on HIM to make me feel good about myself, because I don't do anything to make ME feel good about myself. I feel like I have no worth and independence. I want to be able to do stuff for myself, jump in the car and go do the food shopping in the day when he's in work so I don't have to rely on him to take me when he gets home. Be able to drive down to the beach on a nice day with my son etc etc. I feel like I have no real control over my life.

 

Yesterday I had a moan free day with him. He got in from work and we went to his Dad's for tea which is good because it takes my mind off being able to moan! Haha. Then we rented a film and watched it in bed which was nice. One day down... rest of my life to go!

[loulee]

know that it's driving him away and I am going to lose him, but I love him so much! I don't know what to do, I just feel like I can't help myself!!! I need some advice off other women and men to save my relationship!!

Write yourself a list you seem to know all of your destructive insecure patterns which is fantastic. You also know the solutions. So write them down and start living up to them..

try just one positive change at a time. get busy..get some part time work..get your license.make it happen..become that girl you know that you need to be. believe in him and yourself.. You do control your life and your choices AND your actions...dont overload yourself just tackle it all step by step...And everytime your about to moan STOP!!! and think about what you are going to say..try it..its amazing how quickly a bit of thought before speaking can make us aware of the impact of our words...you can make these changes if you are consistent and committed .And yes a psychologist would help you understand why you are so co dependant and insecure and low esteem is one reason...you can get on top of this IF you want to keep what you love..not love it to death...

[metwo]

listen sweetie... your the one he's living with and taking care of... and helping you with your son.. you have to stop being so jealous.. instead... hold your head up like.. yeah.. i'm the one he's with..i can enjoy him.. your jealousy will eventually eat you alive and you will start to resent him as well as he will resent you for not trusting him. if he has given you no reason for this, you have no reason to constantly check up on him, because if you continue this, it may drive him to do the very thing you don't want... and figure out a way to cover it up since he knows your always after him... be happy with him.. know that he loves you..... you are the one he is with and wants to continue caring for...don't be so insecure.. don't loose what it was that made him fall in love with you in the first place...

[sparkles87]

Thanks for all your advice guys! I just have to work on putting it into action!

 

I need to figure out a way to feel good without needing HIM to make me feel good... I shouldn't have to rely on his reassurance and affection. I need to be understanding, that he is under a lot of pressure from work and perhaps doesn't want to have to baby me when he gets home.

 

I think I need to definitely stop and think before I speak, and maybe find someone else to talk about my problems to? So that he doesn't feel I am offloading them onto him and moaning all the time?