Met up with a guy I dated 5 years ago

[shellov]

So, I don't know what is the right thing to do here.

 

I dated this guy five years ago for about 6 months. I know he had loving feelings for me back then but I never developed the same feelings. I don't remember how we stopped dating altogether, but I know that we went from LC to complete NC. We haven't contacted each other for about four years since then and I had changed my email, phone, etc. A week ago, he emailed my mom (he said he still had her email) and asked that she relays a message for him to me. He said that he wanted to say "hi" and asked about whether I finished my undergrad.

 

When I got the messaged, I emailed him casually ("Hi! It's been a long time!!!") and he asked if we could meet sometime. At this point, I was mainly curious about how he had been and how things have changed (e.g. how does he look now, is he still doing this and that).

 

So I agreed to meet for coffee a while ago. I wanted to keep it light and casual but he asked about the people I've dated after him and if I am currently seeing someone. Knowing in my heart, that I don't want to date him EVER again, I told him that I am already "kinda" seeing someone. When he asked for more details, I had admitted to him that I am definitely in love with somebody who does not reciprocate my feelings. He then told me that he always have thoughts about me. He recalled moments when I made him laugh. He called me a "gem" and complimented me on my "great unique personality" and advised that I "should not sell myself short" when in comes to this guy I am in love with. He kept touching me on my arm and nudging on me, which in all honesty, I found intrusive. But I did not want to be harsh and so I gave him a hug when he asked for a hug instead of a hand shake. The hug was only one of those hugs with the chest barely touching-- if you know what I'm saying. He said that if I ever want to get lunch sometime, I should let him know. I did not say anything after that because I did not want to lead him on.

 

So anyway, he just texted me and said: "It was a real pleasure seeing you again. U always did know how 2 make me laugh. U have sum amazing qualities despite the upsets. We should keep in touch definitely. Thx".

 

Now, there are at least two things I am sure about: (1) I don't want to have anything to do romantically with him, and (2) I am in love with somebody else, and although I might completely walk away from this somebody else because of unrequited love, I don't want to be in a position when I use another person as a potential rebound, especially a person who I already decided to be "not the one". In other words, I don't want to use anybody for a "just in case".

 

The dilemma is: what is the lesser of two evils? Completely ignoring the text message and succeeding contact from him, OR telling him that I don't think that we should communicate with each other ever anymore. If the latter is chosen, how do I go about this? Do I text back or email? Should I wait until tomorrow or do it immediately. How do I make it less painful for the him?

 

Maybe the people here who were ones the dumpees but were led on/strung on could reflect on their own breakups and how they wished that their dumpers handle it on a LESS hurtful and "kinder" way.

 

What do you guys think? Thanks in advance.

[In the Dark]

Don't go there.

You will hurt him.

 

But then again are you that certain he is not someone you can be with?

 

I mean look at who you are with now.

Did you think that was going to happen?

Did you think he was the one?

[waveseer]

I would have been much less hurt if I'd been kept in the loop along the way. I would rather have heard every fear (I am guilty of not sharing these too), every doubt, every paranoid thought, every concern, etc...

 

In other words, if you don't want him now and you KNOW you will not want him later, then by all means let him know right away so he can go forth and find his true love.

[shellov]

Don't go there.

You will hurt him.

 

But then again are you that certain he is not someone you can be with?

 

I mean look at who you are with now.

Did you think that was going to happen?

Did you think he was the one?

 

Don't go where? I don't know where to go

 

I am certain that *I won't love him that way he wanted to be loved. I am absolutely sure that I don't see him in my future.

 

With this current one, I *love* this one. I know what I feel. He does not love me. That's granted. But sometimes, the people we love most can be "the one" for us, but we aren't "the one" for them.

[waveseer]

Don't go where? I don't know where to go

 

I am certain that *I won't love him that way he wanted to be loved. I am absolutely sure that I don't see him in my future.

 

With this current one, I *love* this one. I know what I feel. He does not love me. That's granted. But sometimes, the people we love most can be "the one" for us, but we aren't "the one" for them.

 

Ain't that the truth!

[shellov]

I would have been much less hurt if I'd been kept in the loop along the way. I would rather have heard every fear (I am guilty of not sharing these too), every doubt, every paranoid thought, every concern, etc...

 

In other words, if you don't want him now and you KNOW you will not want him later, then by all means let him know right away so he can go forth and find his true love.

 

Hi, waveseer. Thanks for the input.

 

Yes, I am certain that I will not want or love him later. I am thinking of putting myself in the position of being his friend, but my gut tells me, that he is looking for more. With his behavior and words tonight, I also feel that he wants the possibility of getting back. I cannot offer that. I was never in love with him and I think I could never be.

 

The confusion arises on how I tell him that I am not interested (taking in consideration that he has not asked directly to date again, but had inquired about my current love life). Do I just shoot him up an email saying while it was lovely to see him, I'd rather not remain in contact. Do I explain why I don't want to be in contact? Do I just be direct and say: "I don't want to stay in contact".

 

 

[waveseer]

I don't think he's frienship material. I would just tell him you're not interested and you won't be interested later either.

[shellov]

I emailed him and here's what I ended up writing:

 

"While it was nice seeing you tonight for a catch-up, I want to tell you straight out that I don't want to re-establish or remain in contact. I wish you luck with everything."

 

This hurts me, while I was writing it, because I have been on the other side. But then I look at times when I was the dumpee and wish that my dumpers were this straightforward to me. It could have saved me further hurt.

[waveseer]

I am so proud of you, you did him a great service by showing him enough respect to be honest with him about your feelings. Bravo!

[shellov]

Thanks, waveseer. One thing helped me factor this decision out: I had to ask myself several times, "What it the right thing to do".

[waveseer]

You're welcome, you definitely did the right thing.

[WindowTo]

Lol you didn't have to tell him that you never wanted to talk to him again. I think the main point was that you did not have romantic feelings for him, that is probably what you should have said. It is good to treat people with some humanity when rejecting them. Then again if you really disliked him so much as to never want to talk to him again I guess you could say you were being honest.

[shellov]

Ah well.. He replied and said he honestly thought I misunderstood his intentions and he just wanted a "sincere friendship".

 

Hm. No. We weren't good friends before we slept with each other. We haven't talked to each other in years. I have a lot of male friends now. What's the point?

[shellov]

Lol you didn't have to tell him that you never wanted to talk to him again. I think the main point was that you did not have romantic feelings for him, that is probably what you should have said. It is good to treat people with some humanity when rejecting them. Then again if you really disliked him so much as to never want to talk to him again I guess you could say you were being honest.

 

I thought I was "humane" in how I called it off. A " I am not interested in you romantically" is way more personal than an accountable-yet-harsh "I don't want to remain in contact". Plus he didn't directly said he wanted was interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, but I thought he acted like he could touch me and tell me lovey-dovey things again. Don't you think?

[waveseer]

Lol you didn't have to tell him that you never wanted to talk to him again. I think the main point was that you did not have romantic feelings for him, that is probably what you should have said. It is good to treat people with some humanity when rejecting them. Then again if you really disliked him so much as to never want to talk to him again I guess you could say you were being honest.

 

What may seem final to you could be interpreted as a temporary condition "no romantic feelings" by another.