For all who seek advice on what to do

[Mix Maxster]

hey everyone!

 

I'm going to say right now that I'm not a physciatrist nor am I in any profession where I deal with relationships, but I am a human being and I've been in a relationship with someone that I really loved. Right off the front, this site has been VERY good in helping me get over things and has helped me see what I have to do now. I know a lot of the times I was regretting saying things to my ex during the time we were broken up and thinking there may never be a chance again, but it was for the best in the end and that it helped me realize that it's only after you see all of this when the "no contact" rule really works. Usually when the other person is listening to you it's because they can see that you are needing to get closure on the whole issue. Most of the time I just noticed that my ex was getting pushed away to the point where I thought there WASN'T A CHANCE in heaven to get back with her, but it occurred to me that my ranting, pushing, etc. all that did really was make the process longer. It hasn't prevented her from ever loving me again, it has just made things take longer and made things a LOT more difficult and harder in the mean time. If you're at the stage RIGHT NOW where you're not sure what your ex is thinking or you think that there ISN'T a chance BELIEVE that there's ALWAYS a chance even when it looks like the odds are TRULY against you. When you start acting paranoid or desperate in ANY way, it'll only show to your ex that you haven't gotten over this and they don't need someone doing this to them. It's just going to frustrate them and make it harder for them to concentrate on anything because they're worried you're going to go all crazy and start talking to all their friends to see where they are and such. They'll ignore you, not because they're necessarily playing with your feelings, but because they just don't need you bugging them. If you just let go from talking to them and such, chances are they'll come to you. If YOU feel you know what you're looking for and what you want, maybe THEY aren't there in their life yet and you have to understand that the worst thing you can do is push them or try to act like you know what they're thinking. You are not them so stop trying to push them into thinking like you're thinking. They truly need to come up with everything on their own and if you let them, they'll think things through and will come back. You have to think of it this way, if it doesn't happen at ANY POINT LATER ON it was NEVER going to HAPPEN EVER! You have to see that whoever broke up with who for WHATEVER reason is REALLY just trying to figure life out and see what they want. Maybe you're the one that truly loves them enough to hate seeing them miserable and you can tell they're not completely on the same level you're on, yet, or maybe it's not entirely that they don't love you and that has nothing to do with you, but maybe they never had the chance to truly explore their options or put their hearts on the line to see who's really meant for them. The worst thing you can do is try and persuade the other person into thinking that you are the one. No one likes being told how to feel or who they should love. It WON'T work and now is the BEST time to show the other person how much you are changing through all of this. It is REALLY REALLY hard, but LOOK to the future and be happy knowing that you've been the one growing in all of this and have become the best person you can be. No one truly grows more mature or grows much at all in happy situations, it's only the tough and difficult times where one TRULY comes out on top and shows what they're really made of.

 

If you let this all get to you it'll be the wrong choice down the road. So be smart and think to yourself which would be a better choice, getting back with your ex now because you miss them for what you shared and what you had and then figuring out that the same problems are there and that now you'll probably NEVER get another chance again?? OR that you know how great you are with her and how GREAT YOU ARE period and that it would be better to be the person THEY always loved to hang around and may want down the road so that in the end you will make sure the same mistakes won't happen again? So do yourself the favour by listening to what your ex had said was the problems in the relationship and think unbiased about if they were really an issue or not, don't get ignorant or stubborn in thinking you're better than they are, but look at what holds validity and what doesn't. Change what really makes sense and keep the stuph that you know is good about you. An example would be changing how you react in situations rather than changing your appearance.

 

I know I felt like I wanted to get back with my ex because I was just lost, confused and HURT because I LOST her, not because it was truly for the best. Time is of the essense at this point and fate has a terrible knack for putting people in the HARDEST most WORST times so they will grow as a person. Through all of this hardship and pain will you want to grow and show the person how happy you are and to show how much you've grown. If you can sit down and honestly look at all the things that were wrong with you're relationship, chances are you will see what needed to be improved on and that now is the best time to make those improvements so your ex will notice them WITHOUT your help. KNOW that when you show how true you're being and honest and caring, they'll notice it on their own and will come to their own conclusions. If you start telling her "Oh I've changed (this) that you hated about me." it will just come off sounding like you're trying to please her so she'll come back. If you just tell her how you're doing and make things AS LITTLE ackward for her as possible, she'll come around and will make your friendship work, if not more than friendship, later. If you start acting like someone she wanted you to be, it'll be noticed at one point and she'll figure out what you're trying to do, so don't put an on an act around them like nothing has happened per se, but be the same person they loved when things were good. If being friendly and joking is something they loved and doing certain things you both like is something they want to keep, do that. Don't give that up, because they still are figuring everything out for themselves and the next person in their life might have that part missing in their relationship and they may come to you to do those things because you both enjoyed doing them and they know that. Be the one they loved, but don't try to make it look like you're still a couple, make it obvious that you're not a couple, but don't rub it in their face either. Show to them you're mature and are being true to your word, I GUARANTEE they'll notice it in the end ONE way or another. If they don't notice it, then they may never be able to be true to themselves and will be the one who's immature all their life. If you don't want that and can't handle with living with that, then get out it's not fair to you.

 

Times are tough right now and not everyone can handle such situations, but once you start looking at the bigger picture you can see that it probably wasn't anything YOU did per se, but the fact that he or she was just finding for themselves what they want. I asked my gf the other day, with whom I broke up with because she was miserable and was almost cheating on me with this guy she developed feelings with two months before this break up, during the breakup period why it was that she didn't want to stay. And she said that she was weighing the pro's and con's of the relationship that me and her had and this is what she came up with,

 

Pros

-------

Treats me nice

buys nice things

very cute

very huggable

very close

very good at telling things

very open

very sweet

generous

friendly

cooks

bakes

cleans

looks after me in hard times

is always open and honest about things when he did something dishonest

never lies

is always true to me

wouldn't ever cheat on me

lives on his own

wants kids

would make a good dad

appreciates me

loves EVERYTHING about me and doesn't just accept things about me

loves the same things I do and likes other stuph as well

does a good job of making me feel loved and the feeling like I really matter in this world

does a good job of making me more outgoing

helps do a good job at being supportive in everything I do

he has a strong passion for music and we both wanted the same things out of music in our lives

does a good job at expressing himself

well-mannered

 

Cons

------

He doesn't take good enough care of himself

can be immature at times

doesn't ever like the job he's in

not sure if he'll ever finish school

always talks about his past

complains that his family has issues

talks for minutes at a time before I get to say anything

doesn't listen 100% to what I'm saying at first, only afterwards

 

And this is what she had come up with as to why she was leaving. Granted there's some VERY good points in there, but that's all stuph that can be worked out and had I known about them before, I would tell her that there were very good points and that I'd work on them. The biggest mistake that I could have done would be getting defensive over it, but I will work on that because the next person could dump me for those same reasons. However, it was very obvious to me that even if those cons WEREN'T an issue, things would STILL be bad and she'd still have her doubts. Whether or not she's afraid of commitment I don't know, but I know her enough to know that she's just looking for the "click" and that hasn't happened with anyone yet. She said she loved me at one point in her relationship and so I asked "was it because I was everything you wanted? or was it because I made you feel so good about yourself and that made you love me?" and she said "ya, I felt that you were what was best for me. Then as time went on I couldn't see myself with you because I just saw that I loved you because how you made me feel and not because it was truly what I wanted or felt." SO I responded, "is that because you know that's the truth? Or because that's what feels right?" and she said "because I know that". So I felt pretty hurt at this point because that was pretty damn hurtful to hear that she didn't think I was the one for her and that I wasn't being used but it sure sounded like she was just using me for a self-confidence and self-admiration booster, but it got me thinking well maybe she just doesn't know who "the one" for her is! I could VERY well be that person, but she's still figuring it out and now I think that her argument for staying was JUST as weak as her argument for leaving. At this moment I finished talking to her with the question "You said that something was 'missing' from our relationship. Do you know what it was" and she said "I don't know."

so I said "was it because something didn't just 'click'?" and she said "ya that was what was missing." So I haven't talked to her since because now is her time to test that question that's in her head "who's the one for me?" and I think it's going to be a LONG time before she says anything because her focus is on school, her friends and the this new guy she had her sights on for about 2 months now. She isn't thinking about settling down yet and that's why I think she can't answer the "why didn't it click?" question until she's at that point in her life where she wants to settle down with whoever will make her the happiest. Whether I'm the guy that she will always love, or this other guy she's seeing now who is infatuated with her in hopes that he'll win her that will be able to be everything she needs and wants. I mean I don't want to sound modest in thinking she'll come back, but I feel it's right and her relationship with this other guy will end in the future because they weren't true to each other from the start. He's never had anyone and so he's doing WHATEVER it takes to keep her. He sees that she'd make him feel really good and he's just accepting things and saying that things aren't a big deal so that he can have her now, maybe he's being true to everything but I feel it's the other. I'm betting he's been pushing for an answer many times asking things like "how long do you think things will take before we get a chance. Like a month? two months?" and her say "it'll be a while for sure, but I think it'll happen eventually and he would say "ok, just checking."

He may just be the rebound guy and the guy she was desperately going to right now, because she wanted away from my relationship with her and for fear she'd be alone or her way of finding out what she wants. The best thing I can do now is just wait it out and have her figure out who she'll be happiest with in the end. That's what this all comes down to, is me showing her that I'm mature and that my cons have worked their way out of me. I will not cram it down her throat in hopes she'll fall for it, because I know she's looking to see how true I am being to everything and my intentions are not to do that, it wouldn't be fair and it obviously wouldn't work, so why would I? In the end I know things will not work between her and this new guy because it was built on desperation and all the wrong things. I know that she may be with him for a year or more because there's a connection and a lot in common, but she will realize that there will be conflict because I can see already that he's trying TOO hard just to have her. She will in the end be frustrated again and go through the whole process of "is he the one for me?" and she may just go along with it because she's afraid she'll never find someone else so great or it could be that this guy is the one for her and she'll stay with him for that reason. Eitherway, if something doesn't feel right, then why stay right?

 

For all of you that have lost hope in ANYTHING, know there's ALWAYS a chance to make it up to that person and it's HOW you act and talk in ANY given situation with your ex that will make the difference in the long run. If this person means a LOT to you, know this. They are hoping you'll be the best person they want you to be and that you can live without them. It shows that you're ok and are understanding of everything and that they will never have to worry about you ever again. If you start showing any signs of being desperate or paranoid, then they're not going to want to deal with you for fear you may do something stupid or for fear that you may end up becoming obsessed and stalk them. The moment you show your life is better without them and the moment they see you for how much you've grown in this, they'll admire it and will be happy they didn't lose you completely. Chances are if you grow up faster and are better than the other person in this, it's only a matter of time before they see that in you and will question THEMSELVES as a person and will maybe get jealous that you were able to do all of this so well or maybe they'll take a long good look at themselves and ask questions. The point is to NOT get desperate, nor do you want to sit here and think there's never a chance. The ONLY 100% certainty is uncertainty. If you can live with the thought "if it's meant to be. It'll be." it'll happen in the end, or else it was never meant to happen. Believe that and live it, it will help you to move on and to see that being a true friend is what they're hoping you'll do. It may not get them back in the end, but it will have them admire you and will cause them to fix all the problems they were having with you when you two were in a relationship together and will help them to grow as well. It's hard dealing with a breakup, but if this person is "truly the one" and it just "feels right" then do all the right things and maybe they'll come back. This isn't a FOR sure method that can be just played, it has to be lived and you have to be true to it. There isn't a formula to love and there isn't a way to just win someone. It's through understanding and a realization of what each person wants that will decide whether or not you'll be together in the end. Know that if anything is "missing" from the relationship, chances are it's really the person trying to see if you're the one for them. It'll take a lot of time, but when they see that you're their one, chances are it'll work for good. If you make it work and do a LOT of work keeping it, it'll work itself out and you'll be able to love something so much that you may never grow out of it. Not everyone gets this kind of chance and it doesn't work for everyone, but at this point you will live happily ever after (if you've truly become mature and are smart about everything). Things won't ever be perfect between two people, but now if you two love each other you will be smart about everything and won't mess up the second time around. Be the friend they always wanted, be the person they always hoped for, be the person that will be next to them by their side IF that doesn't make you feel bad or lonely. You can't hold onto something that isn't yours, but you shouldn't give up quickly either. If you know what you're looking for and they're the one then maybe you should just hold on to thinking that they just need time to come around, then focus on your life for now while keeping them in your mind. Go over ALL the problems you two were having during the relationship and improve and work on the valid issues. If something was obviously wrong, then work on that. If you truly believe it was meant to be, let them come to that realization and if they make it VERY clear that they're happy with the next person then it's time to move on, but keep them in your life because there's a love there that can be gained and not wanted to be lost. I hope this helps to ALL who are questioning things right now. Always feel the need to talk, but never feel the need to hurt or keep things inside. People are always listening and are here, there's not enough good people in the world, so we all try extra hard to make up for the rest.

[upthecreek]

this is all good advice but im my situation i did the opposite and got what i deserved "cut me off" i now regret the actions i took and am working hard to change things about myself that needed to be worked on.

 

one was my weight and i have lost over 3 stone 5 more to go for my goal another was not always listening but i think overall i was not happy with myself and i ended up taking it out on the one person i loved the most....

i have split over 2 and a half years ago and have wanted her to see the difference in me lately as i still love her with all my heart and i live with guilt everyday, because i made this situation for myself, i cannot bring myself to meeting anyone else but i dont know what to do as far as making her see the changes - as she now lives 30 miles away and not much chance of bumping into her.

 

i feel she will always have in the back of her mind the way i was and will believe comments her mum made ie "he will never change". i resent that comment and will prove to her mum and myself that this is crap....my friends say that eventually i will bump into someone who knows her and they will see me the way i look now etc and will tell her but i just cant see this happening to be honest!

 

i think now she is 30 and we had been together for 6 yrs during our relationship that the next thing i will find out is that she is having a baby or is getting married this will kill me inside which is why it is making me panick as to not leave it too long before the inevitable happens...

 

i know she was one of these women who wanted to settle down by the time she was 30, she told me that, and i think i have lost any chance of ever talking to her again. i feel like she hates me! i miss her so damn much and there is nothing i can do but hope but i am also afraid that being 37 now if i wait to long i might miss out on other relationships. i suppose i dont know wether to move on with someone else at my age or wait it out another year to see what happens which would make it three and a half....

 

the last time i called her she hung up on me on her birthday last year and i havent tried since but she is so stubborn and i think with the abuse and things she said to me after we split on the phone she would find it very difficult to talk to me by way of picking the phone up as shes not one to say sorry and probably thinks its all my fault anyway! what do you guys think....?

[Mix Maxster]

Well I'm sorry to hear your situation. You have to ask yourself if it's healthy to continue holding on to someone when they REALLY don't show they need you. If you keep showing to them that you want them and need them, they're not going to care enough to notice. It really isn't worth it to you to hold on to this person when they treat you like this. It's a REALLY hard thing to do, but there's a LOT of people out there who would love to end up with you.

 

I know in all of this that I've given up on my girlfriend because I can see how bad she is inside. I've finally seen all that and I don't want that bringing my life down. I'm better than that and I will find someone that will truly love me.

 

You've read all the pro's my old gf said about me and the cons I'm working out. If I can have faith in myself that i'll make a girl REALLY happy, then you should too It's time to ask yourself the question of if it's fair to you to keep holding on to this person when they don't even show the slightest bit of gratitude or care that you stayed in the picture. I'd completely ignore contact to them from now on. If you happen to see them in person than by all means say hi, how's it going? but don't try to admit or show that you still care or else they'll just smirk and say "hah i knew they weren't over me."

 

When you surprise your ex the most, that's when they take notice to the fact that you've changed. So they can start looking at themselves and start getting all that you showed them they were wrong. I find that often times a bad person will think that they were the smarter one for trying to hold down a friendship when they don't ask why they don't have any friends in the first place. Often times I've found that there isn't any effort behind anything and if you're willing to make the effort but they aren't, then I'd say forget it. You don't need them to live and you don't need them to be happy. Think of why it makes sense for it to work, but don't dwell on it. Most of the time it's the surprises that make us change our minds on something.

[Crushed]

Mix,

I've got to say kudos on being so mature, it least when it comes to understanding relationships, at 19. I wish I was. I just wanted to say your advice was great. If you have the time I would appreciate any thoughts you have on my situation. WE are all busy so'll I'll understand not replying.

 

Thanks again and God Bless,

 

Crushed

[Crushed]

I did not post my link.

 

link removed

 

Thanks again,

Crushed

[dleif srm]

i am desperate for Mix MAster's help too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

link removed

 

if MM doesn't have the time, allow this reply to simply say thank you MM. you're post is a world of good advice and helped to situate my head a little. i feel like right now is the time where i have to be very careful of my actions as far as a push and pull and i am just driving myself crazy!