seralee Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 I am so confused. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. He has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I have spent time with his daughter, but in the last few months it has been more frequent. I even babysit her a few nights a week and she stays at my house. Despite all the time we spend together, my boyfriend still insists that we can't tell her we are dating. She keeps asking me if we are dating, and I just say no and to ask her dad. And she says I already know you are, and I would like it if you were dating. It confuses me why he has to lie to his daughter. She obviously knows the truth when she sees us spending all this time together, and I spend the night at her dad's house. I don't get what he sees in lying to her because she isn't as naive as he thinks. A few weeks ago my niece came to stay with me. When she was up, the 2 of them played together. They got a long really well. My niece is coming up again to stay for a week, and it was planned they would get to see each other again. I told my boyfriend that my niece doesn't understand why she has to pretend that we aren't dating because she said his daughter already knows. He got angry saying now they can't play together because he doesn't want her telling his daughter stuff. I told him it was unfair to punish the children because they were both looking forward to seeing each other. Why does he have to hide this? I am not a parent but I just don't understand why lie to your children. They might hold it against you in the future. Also, his daughter calls me mom sometimes and he is perfectly fine with this. It is okay to call me mom, but she can't know that I am his girlfriend. It is confusing. He is asking me to lie for him, and I do not like it. What do I do? And what can I say for him to let the kids play together still? Link to comment
Kantriakhor Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 It seems he's being the standard over-protecting father here and doesn't want to hurt her by diminishing her mother, even if the kid is resilient and doesn't mind this new woman in his life. Link to comment
seralee Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 But isn't lying just going to hurt her more in the end? He allows her to call me mom, is that not dimishing her mother? Link to comment
volpe Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 hmmmm.... well, seems like he is trying to protect her, but he is taking it too far now. Need to have a good convo and he needs to understand that kids know waaaaay more than he is giving them credit for! Link to comment
seralee Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 Can you explain how he is protecting her by lying? She already knows her dad lies to her about certain things and it upsets her very much. Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 If he is comfortable with you watching his daughter and spending quality time with her then he shouldn't be hiding the fact you two are dating. Maybe he needs to hear it from her. I don't know I would feel uncomfortable to keep lieing to her. Later she hears it from her dad that you two are dating and makes you look like the bad guy. Link to comment
seralee Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 If he is comfortable with you watching his daughter and spending quality time with her then he shouldn't be hiding the fact you two are dating. Maybe he needs to hear it from her. I don't know I would feel uncomfortable to keep lieing to her. Later she hears it from her dad that you two are dating and makes you look like the bad guy. Exactly. I hate feeling like the bad guy by lying. Growing up, my parents were pretty open and honest with me. I still remember the one things they lied about until this day, and I still tell my mom that I was upset she lied to me. I told her to ask her dad, and she says I know he is just going to lie to me. Link to comment
Kantriakhor Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Can you explain how he is protecting her by lying? She already knows her dad lies to her about certain things and it upsets her very much. *shrugs* People lie for varying reasons, this screams "protection" either of himself or his daughter. Personally I prefer blunt honesty. Link to comment
seralee Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 *shrugs* People lie for varying reasons, this screams "protection" either of himself or his daughter. Personally I prefer blunt honesty. It probably is to protect him, not his daughter. It is selfish because I think he is doing more harm than good. Link to comment
DN Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 She is his daughter and it really is his decision. I don't think you should take it personally. Link to comment
seralee Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 She is his daughter and it really is his decision. I don't think you should take it personally. I understand it is his daughter, and he is the one to decide certain things. But after two years, he still cannot tell her we are together. Isn't that a little odd? He is perfectly fine with me watching her and spending time with her, but he can't admit I am his girlfriend to her? If he doesn't want to admit that then maybe he shouldn't ask me to watch her. How can I not take it personally? It would be different if we had just started dating but we have been together for awhile now. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 It probably is to protect him, not his daughter. It is selfish because I think he is doing more harm than good. Protect him from what? Link to comment
DN Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Why is it so important to you for his daughter to know what your relationship is? The chances are that she has guessed anyway but why do you need that title? Do you think it might be because the girl's mother might make it more difficult for him to see his daughter - that is one of the prime reasons men want new relationships kept under wraps. Link to comment
seralee Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 It is not that I care if she knows or not. It is the fact that he is asking to lie. He is asking me to compromise my own integrity,and for what? It is possible about the girl's mother, but she sees me pick up her daughter. I am sure the mother already knows so I assume. Maybe if he told me why he wants me to lie, but he gives me no reason. All he says is I just can't. I believe he doesn't want to say anything because to him it is a committment thing. I think it scares him and makes him feel tied down in some way. Or the fact that his own father has been in so many relationships, maybe he doesn't want his daughter to see the same thing. If we are to break up in the future, he doesn't have to put his daughter through the same things. I don't know. I try to ask him about it but he doesn't really tell me anything. Link to comment
DN Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Does he acknowledge you as his girlfriend to other people and family members? Link to comment
seralee Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 Does he acknowledge you as his girlfriend to other people and family members? To his friends, he says I am his girlfriend. And he still acknowledges me as a friend to his family. Link to comment
DN Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Since he acknowledges you as his girlfriend to his friends i suspect this has a lot to do with him being worried about seeing his daughter. There are many cases where an ex has caused problems for the non-custodial parent regarding visitation when they find someone else and he may be concerned about that. Link to comment
seralee Posted August 4, 2009 Author Share Posted August 4, 2009 I guess I was bothered by because I really knew the truth. He basically admitted to it tonight. He said he doesn't like how close we have got and he doesn't want to be that close to me. Basically, he doesn't want to feel committed to me. Link to comment
divainpain Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I'm so sorry that this has ended up a painful truth. You deserve someone who is proud of you without reservation. Link to comment
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