Met with XBF, I missed him!

[ameliamolly]

Yep, I am still really confused about BF and X-BF situation. I met with my X on Wednesday night. When I went to meet him he was sitting at a table with my favorite rose (orange and yellow) and 2 of the tiniest sea shells that we found together in the Florida Keys.

 

He was teary eyed and said to me "I suddenly realized that I have lost the best thing that ever happened to me and I know I will never find another "you". I feel like the earth has been pulled out from under my feet and there is nothing I can do about it. I used to be angry at you for leaving me and it's occurred to me that you had no choice. I took too long to be the guy that you needed, I lost my chance. I constantly hurt you with my words and you were unhappy. You had to leave me for your own happiness. I probably could have gotten you back if I wasn't so mean to you after you left me. I am so sorry for that. I was hurting without you and I was angry at myself for letting it come to that. You didn't deserve that. You deserve to be happy, I am not going to hurt you anymore." At this point he was crying, and so was I. These were some of the things that I needed to hear from him.

He then went into "how great we were together" when things were good between us. I had forgot about that. Isn't that funny? He has been such a jerk since I left that I forgot there were actually good times between us.

Apparently he has had a lot of realizations regarding himself, his past and his present life. He has recently starting going back to counseling, but this time for anger management. He realizes that his father had a big impact on him. His father was a very angry marine who would lash out physically at he and his brothers. I am glad that he is getting some help to deal with that.

 

So it was a good night with him and I felt better about things. Most things except the fact that I still have a boyfriend. And I am not sure if I want to be with him. Mostly because our relationship seems to missing something and I still can't put my finger on it. I think we lack emotional intimacy, and I have talked to him about that before. I don't know if I see him as a long term thing.

 

I definetely find myself thinking that if I went back to my X things would be better. I am telling my BF that I need some time to think things through. I wrote him a long e-mail today about everything that transpired with the X the other night- he knew I was going to meet him, I thought it was only fair to tell him ahead of time. It's not fair to tell him I need time and then spend that time testing the waters with my X, this I know. I hate hurting my current BF because he is a really good guy, but I am not sure he is the guy for me.

 

At the end of the e-mail to my BF I stated the "I need time, don't know how long, don't wait for me"...but I am afraid, and I am thinking of unsending it. I tried to break things aff with him 2 weeks ago, but he convinced me to give it a chance...Don't know what to do!

 

I originally wanted to take the weekend for myself to do some thinking, and now I find that I really, really want to see my X and I feel horrible about that because of my BF. I guess I am just venting here- I am sure you guys are tired of hearing it, but if anyone wants to give some input I am open to it.

[aha]

Wow, what your'e going thru now is what I went thru two weeks ago. Except I am the new BF.

 

I wish in the future I can have a "meeting" with my ex to tel her exactly what your ex told you. I was so mean to her that I pushed her to far away. She made me so angry about her decisions. I dream of the day I can speak to her again. If it's possible.

 

But looking at it through her perspective, I can now see how confusing things are.