exback Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 My boyfriend dumped me 5 months ago after 4 years relationship. The "trigger" was a fight about the car... After that fight he started ignoring me and never talked to me again - he didn't even break up with me officially (no final conversation). He just sent my stuff via mail. The first months I tried everything to get him to talk to me and at least "tell" me that he wants to break up - he ignored every attempt (email, texting, calling and so on). I tried again once 2 months later - he ignored me. I have never tried again since that last attempt and he never contacted me on his own during that 5 months since he started ignoring me. I have never cheated on him, he has no new girlfriend as far as I know (my friends are in contact with him) and he doesn't want to talk about what happened with friends so they don't know either. He deleted every trace of me (facebook and so on)... It is not about getting back it is just about understanding what happened. Is there any chance for me to get that "final" conversation one day because it makes it pretty difficult for me to move on without that talk... I didn't contact him the last couple of months... What would you suggest me to do? Just keeping NC or writting a letter asking him to explain the situation from his point of view... I just want to hear him saying: "I don't love you" or "I broke up because..." Link to comment
starlight40 Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Id say try to give yourself your own closure, know that you are worth so much more than not to even be given a proper explanation. Take control of your life and emotions and close the book yourself. Its over, it doesnt matter what the reasons were what matters is what you do now, u owe it to yourself to stop being stuck in this, to move on and be happy. There are plenty more guys out there. Link to comment
NEVEAH Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Damn. He jut deleted you like that after a four year relationship?? Are you sure he's not dating someone else?? And his friends probably don't know everything about him .. Somethng sounds fishy..but truthfully, at this oint NO I would move on. He's ignored all your attempts so far. After four years you deserve beter than that. You could write him a letter for closure, but I wouldn't expect anything back. Link to comment
exback Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 I was trying that. But somehow it doesn't work for me: I can't get past the question why he broke up. I am thinking about that one question every single day and each time I come to another conclusion why he left. I guess I have no choice but to live with that question since he is apparently not willing to talk or explain... Link to comment
hbemmalou Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 I think thats one of the hardest parts....not knowing. The 1st time I split up with my ex I didn't get the 'final converstaion' he just kept telling me to feck off every time I rang him (charming eh....I still wonder to this day why I got back with him!!!) To not get the reason why and the way he acted towards me drove me insane. Was it my fault? Has he found someone else? Did he ever love me? Etc etc... This time though I'm not really interested in the 'final conversation'. I've said this on another thread but in my opinion actions speak louder than words. By not wanting to speak to you, deleting you off FB etc he is saying quite loudly that he doesn't want to be with you. I think you've got to take his actions or lack of actions as the answers you're looking for to move on. Thats what I'm trying to do. Keep strong xXx Link to comment
exback Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 Yeah ... I thought about writting a letter but I am afraid he won't write back and once again I would feel horrible about that knowing he ignored me or even worse didn't even open the letter.. Link to comment
exback Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 @hbemmalou: Believe me - I got his message about his wish not to be with me and I don't want to change his mind...I just want answers to my questions Link to comment
hbemmalou Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 @hbemmalou: Believe me - I got his message about his wish not to be with me and I don't want to change his mind...I just want answers to my questions I know hun. I'm not quite sure I got accross what I was trying to say. I think by not giving you answers he's giving you all the answers you need. What happens if he turned around and said the reason he dumped you was because you were a horrible person/rubbish gf/found someone better etc. Would it make you feel better? I know it would make me feel worse. Maybe he even enjoys not giving you the reasons why because he’s still got some control over you….leaving you searching for the answers. I know how hard it is to not know answer hun, I really hope in time these questions won’t haunt you any more. At the end of the day you owe it to yourself to get over him so if it does make you feel better send the letter but be prepared for the answers/no answers Take care *hugs* xXx Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 People don't just disappear from your life after 4 years instanly. He made this decision beforehand, and it's been an ongoing thing he's thought of for a while. The car fight may have just been the last straw. I recently left my guy of 4 years, went NC for a month and just recently unblocked him from my phone because I truly don't hate him... I just don't want to be with him. For a long time I'd tried to leave him and we did that "on and off" thing forever as it seems... Every time we went "off", he'd sucker me back to get back "on"... Well the last straw was actually over the phone. That sent me over the edge and it's been 3 months since then... When you care about someone, it doesn't take one fight for them to disappear like that... It takes many. I know you said he disappeared "just like that" but I highly doubt it's the whole story. There has to have been many fights before hand that built up, and this last one sent him over the edge... I think his not contacting you, like other said, speaks louder than any verbal closure you can possibly get. Link to comment
krisingreen Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 i have to go with XxjustmexX.. but let me just say this.. even though you don't have that closure you wanted. don't rush your Ex.. he obviously made up his mind beforehand he just waited for a time or made up a scenario so u'll break up.. i guess there's a deeper or another reason for his actions.. give him time to think about what happened and what he did.. don't push yourself into thinking that he might give you another chance to talk things over.. sometimes, when something is still fresh its more difficult to face and talk about with straight convictions.. so don't feel bad about yourself because it's not your fault. do what he did, erase HIM from your life for now and try not to think about him as often.it's difficult to do but it's better if you talk to him once both of you are ready.. when he is ready to tell you what happened and when you're ready to face the truth about what happened.. Link to comment
exback Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 You are right: we did fight a lot and he tried to break up before but in the end he didn't because I convinced him every time not to do so. Maybe he doesn't talk to me because he thought (and maybe I would have done so) I would try that again and I am sure I would have convinced him again. I don't think he hates me: how much can you hate someone you spent 4 years with... The LAST TIMES he tried (last time was 1 year earlier) to break up it was about: he wants to get his life back and deal with his issues (money issues, problems with his family, big big big trouble at university and so on) and he just couldn't focus on this with me, he wanted to just be "free" for some months and he wanted to explore since he is 25 years old and I was his first and only girlfriend even so he does love me and would regret after some months he told me... So I guess it might be the same this time and he is doing what he does so I can't get him back and convince him to change his mind. Link to comment
exback Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 But I think truth is: for whatever reason he broke up: if he would have loved me as much as I loved him, he couldn't have done so and the reason wouldn't have been important enough to leave me... Even so he misses me now, even so he regrets sometimes (maybe) it is not enough to reconsider the reasons he did it for and to come back. He just didn't love me enough to be willing to be together with me under the circumstances Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Someone who truly cares does not simply walk out of your life without any explanation whatsoever. I would take this as a huge sign that this guy is a coward and not someone who is trustworthy. Be grateful you never married this guy only to find out one day that he disappeared with all his belongings without even a note. Link to comment
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