blondissima Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I don't trust myself not to. Please help give me tips to make sure I don't contact him any more. All I can do is clean or do homework, or watch tv, but then I get depressed and need to call... Link to comment
bronte Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Have you deleted his number from your phone? You could also put signs up around your house to remind you WHY you shouldn't call. You could use a symbolic picture if there are other people around such that you'd be embarrassed by written reminders. Also, get out of the house and do things! Even a walk around the park can help clear your head and you'll probably be less tempted to call while surrounded by other people. And if the urge really gets TOO strong, write him a letter (but don't send it). It feels like you're contacting him but then you can stop yourself before you actually do so. When I do that I use actual paper and pen, since I know it would be too tempting to go ahead and e-mail him if I had it on the computer! Link to comment
Macleod Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Think of the consequences. You will feel twice as worse than you do now. What you wish would happen won't, don't set yourself up.. And any healing you've done, will be ruined and then it's back to square one, which in turn will make you feel even worse. Link to comment
blondissima Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Have you deleted his number from your phone? You could also put signs up around your house to remind you WHY you shouldn't call. You could use a symbolic picture if there are other people around such that you'd be embarrassed by written reminders. Also, get out of the house and do things! Even a walk around the park can help clear your head and you'll probably be less tempted to call while surrounded by other people. And if the urge really gets TOO strong, write him a letter (but don't send it). It feels like you're contacting him but then you can stop yourself before you actually do so. When I do that I use actual paper and pen, since I know it would be too tempting to go ahead and e-mail him if I had it on the computer! Deleting the number would do nothing, I know it by heart. I really can't put signs up around my house, I live with family. Thanks for the tips though. Think of the consequences. You will feel twice as worse than you do now. What you wish would happen won't, don't set yourself up.. And any healing you've done, will be ruined and then it's back to square one, which in turn will make you feel even worse. There hasn't been any healing yet..the wound is still fresh and I KNOW if I contact him it will be fixed. But, it really is over and I CAN'T go back to him. I can't. Yet I just know I am going to end up contacting him. This is so hard. Link to comment
Macleod Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 What d you actually think will happen if you did contact him? What are you expecting? Do you think by contacting him, a magical wave of relief will consume you? You will have high hopes, and when it's not met, you will twice as worse.. Just ask yourself what could actually be productive or positive in contacting him? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Just give in and contact him. Maybe the pain afterwards will help you NOT to contact him down the road. Sometimes we need to learn from experience. Link to comment
bronte Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Yet I just know I am going to end up contacting him. This is so hard. Okay, you have to start being more optimistic about yourself than that! I know it's really hard, but you are a strong woman and I know you can keep from contacting him. And every day you fight that temptation successfully, the further along the road to healing you will be and the easier it will become to not contact him. It may be a long time before "easier" actually feels different, but it will as long as you keep at it. You owe it to yourself to make the choices that will lead to you healing from this hurt, and you know what those choices need to be. This may seem like a silly suggestion, but putting together a playlist of songs that make you feel strong and empowered, or even angry, can be really helpful too! Link to comment
blondissima Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 What d you actually think will happen if you did contact him? What are you expecting? Do you think by contacting him, a magical wave of relief will consume you? You will have high hopes, and when it's not met, you will twice as worse.. Just ask yourself what could actually be productive or positive in contacting him? We'd cry and get back together. Just give in and contact him. Maybe the pain afterwards will help you NOT to contact him down the road. Sometimes we need to learn from experience. I've "given in" at least 50 times. I know I didn't learn from experience. Link to comment
blondissima Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Okay, you have to start being more optimistic about yourself than that! I know it's really hard, but you are a strong woman and I know you can keep from contacting him. And every day you fight that temptation successfully, the further along the road to healing you will be and the easier it will become to not contact him. It may be a long time before "easier" actually feels different, but it will as long as you keep at it. You owe it to yourself to make the choices that will lead to you healing from this hurt, and you know what those choices need to be. This may seem like a silly suggestion, but putting together a playlist of songs that make you feel strong and empowered, or even angry, can be really helpful too! I'm not strong, trust me, I always give in, and the only thing that's stopping me is typing here. Can you help me with finding a strong and empowering song? I usually don't listen to music. Link to comment
blondissima Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I have NO pride I just always stay with him and can't let him go. I listened to a song and it made me feel worse. I can't leave him Link to comment
blondissima Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I am always the one who goes to him and says "don't leave me". When I can't take any more of it I just give in and stay with him. But I want him to just come back and talk to me. I hate hurting him so I know I should talk to him but he needs to come after me. Link to comment
bronte Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Hmm, song ideas...There's always "I Will Survive" or "These Boots Are Made For Walking," if you want the classics! Others: "So What" by Pink "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera "My Give a D**n's Busted" by Jo Dee Messina "The Cheapest Key" by Kathleen Edwards "Since U Been Gone" or "Never Again" by Kelly Clarkson "Breakfast After Ten" by Blue October The advice "Fake it till you make it" really applies, even if you don't *feel* strong you can listen to "strong" music and pretend that you feel more empowered than you actually do...The first few days are the hardest, but eventually you will start to see the relationship more clearly and the urge to contact him will start to go away. Link to comment
bronte Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Here's a recent thread with more music suggestions: Link to comment
WindowTo Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 The key is to stop making excuses for yourself like I don't trust myself and just not call him. It's not crack it is a telephone. Consider this a verbal much needed slap to the face. You are in control of your actions so just don't do it. Either that or hire someone to stop you and try to call them instead of him when you feel that you need another 'hit'. Link to comment
krisingreen Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 yep, don't call, it's actually not about your pride.. im in the same situation as you are now, my ex and i broke up a few days ago and i manage not to text or call him after our break up.. here's what ive been doing.. 1. i talked to my family about the pain ive been going thru 2. i started a journal about how good my life would be without my ex in it. 3. i read the "greener pasteur syndrome" posted in thsi website. 4. i tried learning a new hobby 5. i hang out with the right people.. don't hang out with those who'll remind you of him. 6. forgive yourself, it's not your fault.. and forgive him, even if it's his fault. 7. don't listen to sad songs or watch sad movies.. 8. convince yourself that it's not your loss.. it's his 9. plan ahead and make a list of those things you want to do for yourself alone. 10. avoid going down memory lane 11. don't seek out new partners.. try these.. i hope it works for you.. goodluck Link to comment
Broken2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 for men and women - danny fernandes - never again. It has helped me somehow, on a deeper level than the typical f a chick hip hop music. Jay-Z - Big Pimpin is also very good. Link to comment
blondissima Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I listened to those songs you guys mentioned...it made me feel worse. I need to talk to him. Link to comment
Dancergirl425 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Kristina DeBarge- Goodbye Jesse McCartney- It's over The wreckers- Leave the pieces * * * * * cat Dolls- Whatcha think about that Kelly Clarkson-Walk away Link to comment
Dancergirl425 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 demi lovato- here we go again Link to comment
bronte Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Now wait a second, you said it's all your fault, but I just looked at your previous thread and you said that he both cheated on you and that he has a quick temper. That doesn't mean it's all his fault, but it definitely doesn't sound to me like he's wholly innocent, either. You're going through the same thing a lot of people here are, the time after a break-up when your ex-partner seems perfect and you forget all the bad stuff and wonder why you ever thought things couldn't work. That's why it's EXTRA important not to contact him right now, because it won't be good for either of you to make decisions based on how you feel before you've had time to really process the break-up. Having said all that, I'm also sending you virtual *hugs*, because I can tell you're in so much pain right now...Please keep posting here, having a community of friendly people here to support me has gotten me through some really painful times! Link to comment
hksaznlibra Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 you know the best time to improve yourself is now, If not strong find find something that will make you strong. Find a new guy friend to talk to, even if your just friends. You being weak will only make you suffer. It's time to wake up and live for yourself! YOU CAN DO IT!!! Link to comment
blondissima Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 I'm realizing more and more as the day goes on he just doesn't want me. you know the best time to improve yourself is now, If not strong find find something that will make you strong. Find a new guy friend to talk to, even if your just friends. You being weak will only make you suffer. It's time to wake up and live for yourself! YOU CAN DO IT!!! Thanks. Just have to occupy my time better.... Link to comment
Thornbirds18 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Self-discipline is very important too. Also you can try to set up progressive goals and use a callendar to cross out each day you were successful in NC. Don't beat yourself up if you couldn't control yourself and contact again. Believe me each time you break NC and didn't get the desired response you'll feel bad. However, undesirable outcomes help you to resume the NC because you will get sick of feeling bad when you break NC. Link to comment
Amasa Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I like to write emails and save them to drafts. Write text and send them to drafts. I write him like a million times, and I never send. THen I've gotten what ever i needed to say out, and he didn't care to hear it anyway so I save him the trouble of deleting it. The other thing I do when I have absolutly no self control is I saved his name to my sister's phone number so when I totally break down and write or call then I end up with my sister who totally talks me down You can do this. You just have to want to bad enough. Deep down your strong and you have to remind yourself of that. Link to comment
blondissima Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 Self-discipline is very important too. Also you can try to set up progressive goals and use a callendar to cross out each day you were successful in NC. Don't beat yourself up if you couldn't control yourself and contact again. Believe me each time you break NC and didn't get the desired response you'll feel bad. However, undesirable outcomes help you to resume the NC because you will get sick of feeling bad when you break NC. I don't have self-discipline I like to write emails and save them to drafts. Write text and send them to drafts. I write him like a million times, and I never send. THen I've gotten what ever i needed to say out, and he didn't care to hear it anyway so I save him the trouble of deleting it. The other thing I do when I have absolutly no self control is I saved his name to my sister's phone number so when I totally break down and write or call then I end up with my sister who totally talks me down You can do this. You just have to want to bad enough. Deep down your strong and you have to remind yourself of that. I don't know who to call Link to comment
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