abusive relationship!!??

[exback]

I (age 23) cried the whole day long wishing my fiance (age 25) back (he broke up with me 4 moths ago after 4 years)...

EVERYBODY, my friends and family and even his friends told me "how can I love a person like him"..

So, today for the first time I started to analyze my relationship and I honestly can't tell you why I want him back even so I do...

He told me I am constantly talking * * * * , I am messy, I couldn't do anything on my own, I am fat and stupid and lazy and I couldn't live without him, he deserves something better than me and he wants to explore and so on. I didn't even wear jeans and some other clothes because he told me it would look horrible on me. And I did everything for him: cooking, washing, sex even if I wasn't in the mood to. I even organized his whole life fixing every appointment, driving him from one place to the other. He told me he doesn't wanna spend New Year's Eve with me because I am boring so he spend it with friends and wihtout me (not even calling and not answering the mobile as I tried to call)!!!! He even told me more than once that it is my mistake that he failed nearly every examination at university for the last years because I was constantly nagging him - even so I wasn't allowed to call him in the end and I honestly didn't break that rule he stated. After 4 years I was even afraid of talking to him in the end because I knew he would be attacking me again on the phone and so in.

February, he left after 4 years by IGNORING me (I tried to contact him 6 weeks long begging and pleading till I accpeted he broke up by ignoring). I don't know the exact reasons since he didn't even talk to me once (no final conversation, no official break up) but I thought I must have done something terrible wrong and appologized again and again and again... Lately, our friends told me he is saying stuff like " She tried to convince me to stay by all means" and "I couldn't bear her constantly nagging and I wanted to concentrate on studying"...After my/our friends told me about that I was devastated!!!!

I was so afraid he wouldn't come back because I thought he was the best and I didn't deserve him and I will never get someone like him and will never love someone as much as I loved him...

Now I understand that he made me think that and that I should have had more self-esteem. It is like a drug: I am addicted to him and I have to get the image out of my head that he is the best...

 

I AM SO STUPID!!!!!!

[goldenkey]

I don't think you are stupid whatsoever. When you're deeply in love with someone and have low self-esteem, it's easy to blame yourself for the mistakes in the relationship. It's also hard to move on from someone you love and spent so long with. What you're doing is admitting here what he all did to you. And you are admitting what he did was wrong. That's a start. I think you will think that he is the best and all until you find someone else. You don't know what else is out there. Explore. As difficult as it is to move on, you have to get yourself out there. Sooner rather than later you will find yourself in a much better place than you were. You are better off without him. Don't let him get to you. You can find better even if you don't think so now. Start with deleting his number and every contact you have with him. Spend time with the people who truly care about you. Your friends and family. Go to a bar with friends. Meet new people. You deserve to be happy. It will just take time to heal what he has broken.

[PsychGirly]

You're not stupid, just very insecure.

 

HIS MISTAKES: Breaking up with you by ignoring you, verbally abusing you, degrading you, not knowing how to communicate.

 

YOUR MISTAKES: Allowing him to do all this for 4 years.

 

You teach people how to treat you.

 

Stop contacting him. Nothing good can come out of this relationship, anyway. He doesn't want to be with you, & you want to be with him for the wrong reasons.

 

You're mistaking love & affection for attachment & dependence.

 

Let this go & start working on your insecurities. Build up some confidence before you decide to get into another relationship.

 

LOVE & RESPECT YOURSELF. If you don't learn to do this, nobody else will.

[nutbrownhare]

You hit the nail on the head when you described him as an addiction; you are not stupid - this isn't about stupidity. When you say you didn't deserve him, you are absolutely right. Nobody, but nobody, deserves to be treated like that, but I'm guessing that you were looking forward to getting married and all his faults faded into insignificance in the face of your hopes and dreams.

 

You may find therapy useful if you have issues which go back to your family of origin, but I had years and years of psychotherapy, which was ENORMOUSLY helpful in many areas of my life. But I reflected a few years ago that despite all that, I was still in a **** relationship. It was when I got involved with Codependents Anonymous that things really started moving on from there, and if you feel comfortable with the spiritual dimension of the anonymous programs, I'm convinced that they are the most effective way of dealing with addictions of any kind.

 

Our relationships tell us about our pain, our history, our vulnerabilities and our unfinished business, and your work really is now with yourself. Don't beat yourself up, don't tell yourself you're stupid (you had a guy do that for four years; he's gone - let all that stuff go with him). There are many, many lessons from that relationship for you to learn, and it would be great if you could use this time positively to take on board what this relationship was saying to you. (And it certainly isn't that he is the best!). I sincerely hope that you can work your way through this and out the other side, and, in time, thank your lucky stars that you didn't actually get married to this jerk!

 

(((HUGE HUGS)))