She misses me. Where do I go from here? I Want her back.

[MC]

An old friend of mine just called me. He didn't know of the break up and asked me whether everything was ok with me. He called because he had seen my ex hanging out with her new guy. In fact he just saw them together and called me right away. Well I'm sure he thinks that he is helping me out by telling me, and he maybe thought that she was cheating. But by talking to him I feel terrible.

 

I'm very popular in my community so this is almost like an embarrassment for everyone to see her with this other guy. Although I guess people don't really know who is the dumper or dumpee. But six years of seeing us together is a while.

 

His call had me thinking whether I burned a bridge by saying that we shouldn't contact each other. He made reference to this when I told him about no contact. I need reassurance here. PLEASE. Did I just made a big mistake - did I burn my bridges. You have to forgive me here. RJ, GeeCee, SLBG and others what do you think?

 

SLBJ your situation with your first ex gives us some hope, I guess. We're in this together buddy.

[GeeCee]

MC - there is no best-fit strategy for all situations and all relationships. You are doing the NC thing to heal yourself and try and get yourself emotioanlly stable to deal with your ex, in whatever way is appropriate. YOu want her back, right. Well that is most certainly not likely to happen if you are emotional wreck. thereforeeee, NC gives you some times to try and heal and better yourself.

 

It hurts like f&ck. The problem MC is there are no guarantees in life or in relationships. NC may bring her back to you out of curiosity. It may not.

 

Hang in there. It is very difficult. But hang in there. You have a lot of support from people who don't even know you. And use this site to vent your frustrations.

 

G xx

[MC]

I have been thinking of how much of a blessing this site/forum is. Without this site I'm sure that I would be much more miserable than I am now. If I hadn't come accross the no contact policy where would I be now? It's through this site that I learned that begging and pleading only pushes your ex further away and how keeping a positive outlook can help you get over. If it weren't for this site I would probably have been like a puppy following my ex around and begging her everyday to come back. My self esteem would be at a minimum. I'm forever grateful. The advice and support from this forum is phenomenal.

 

By the way, I'm on day two of strict no contact and I'm not turning back.

[SLBG]

Hi MC

 

Keep up the good work,

 

I agree this site is excellent. Im so glad I found it.

 

You will have to join in on the chat when its open.

 

I was online last nite and it really helped.

 

Give it a go.

 

slgb

[RJ]

MC -

 

Buddy hang in there with the No Contact you said it yourself... she will contact you. And hey if she doesn't, you're taking the correct steps to heal yourself, learn, and grow.

 

Be prepared however if she does contact you. I'm currently in a situation similar to yours. She also has someone in her life as well. We last spoke 4 weeks ago and when we went out for a drink, her request, but when we got there she informed me she only had an hour. I was immediately PO's. She phoned later and we talked for and hour so. It wasn't a very good conversation, not lite and flirty as I would have hoped, in fact she commented having a headache 30 min. into it. But I told her my thoughts and feelings I told her I wasn't comfortable seeing her like this (me being the other guy) and I do care about her but it was time to mourn the loss and move on. I also said I could not be your friend right now either. The choice was now hers. I did phone back 2 days later briefly saying thank you for meeting up with me and apologize for the phone conversation not going as well as hoped and said goodbye. I probably did some things wrong that maybe seemed emotional and possibly viewed as needy. It's out of my hands and that's OK with me. Either way I'm going to be happy with or without her.

 

Needless to say I saw her when I was out with a group of friends last weekend for dinner. She walked by I smiled and said hello, yep she was with the other guy. Well when I come home from work on Monday I see her work's telephone number on my caller ID. No message though. I didn't call back nor will I. No message, no need too is my theory.

 

My point is MC only you know what you want and what you're willing to accept in your life. Speaking for myself, I am not willing to accept second best. I'm not willing to give all the control of the relationship to her. I will not have my time with her rationed when she can sneak it in. Nor will I accept the fact that I can't call her when I want. NO. Not acceptable. Demanding? Yes. I give more and I expect more. I may be throwing any chance with this woman away but that's my choice. In time we may even be friends again and potentially I can seduce her again, as I said that's MY CHOICE.

 

MC determine your resolve, write it down and stick with it. Should you question you confidence read it. When you're talking with her, read it again in your head.

 

It's a kick straight to the junk buddy, hang in there and you'll make it. Gets better each day.

[MC]

My point is MC only you know what you want and what you're willing to accept in your life. Speaking for myself, I am not willing to accept second best. I'm not willing to give all the control of the relationship to her. I will not have my time with her rationed when she can sneak it in. Nor will I accept the fact that I can't call her when I want. NO. Not acceptable. Demanding? Yes. I give more and I expect more. I may be throwing any chance with this woman away but that's my choice. In time we may even be friends again and potentially I can seduce her again, as I said that's MY CHOICE.

 

RJ, I believe you summed up my feelings here. You're so correct. What's the point of being friends with a woman who has treated me like crap and is now sleeping with some other guy? After all what she's done to me - sleepless nights, unproductive days at work, worry, weight loss, and the list goes on and on, how the heck can I pretend to be her friend? This just doesn't make any sense when you really think of it. Why live such a big lie?

 

Well I'm becoming more and more convinced that no contact is the best route. Why degrade myself? So she thinks that I can be her friend after all the damage she's done. Well, baby, I'm sorry. Don't call my phone again. It's over. Sometimes I'm so angry at this girl for what she's done. If she can be happy with someone else, so can I. During the better part of the relationship there was reciprocal love yet still she was able to find happiness with someone new. Well so can I. I refuse to be this woman's doormat. I'm putting myself first. One day we may be together again, one day she may return and I might have moved on with someone who I probably love even more than her. This is just a stage in my life - one of the many challenges that are inevitable and only serve to make you a stronger and more complete person.

 

I'm starting to take care of myself and put myself first. I just did something to my look and I love it. In the future, I know she will regret it. No matter if it takes years. She will see the progress that I've made in my life and see her loss but it may be too late then.

[detox5]

Man MG your back, you said in your ealier post I wont let her do this I wont let her do this, even some one else thought what great possitive thoughts. If you feel bad about yourself or need that boost I think you should write things down, write all the good things about yourself and say them out loud, I am strong, powerful, a soldier of no emotional entrys. The more you tell yourself what you are the better, I think you will make yourself feel soo good about yourself that you can do anything. I know your situation is much worser then mine but im just trying to give you mind tricks that helped me forget about my situation. It seems when you talk about yourself in a possitive note, like you wont be taken for a doormate, and really go off on one, every one feeds off these possitives statements. You are hope dude, you give strength to those that do not have none, be strong and tell yourself what you are, tell me if im wrong or have rabited on abit too! lol

[MC]

Detox5,

 

Thank you for your kind comments.

 

I re-iterate: Those of us who are grieving over our exes let's all start thinking of the first person, singular. Think I, I, I, I and me, me, me, me, me.

 

Hey, your ex sleeps well at nights, why don't you? You had better start taking care of your own self. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? Make yourself be responsible for your own happiness. Treat yourself. Give to yourself. Love yourself. Think myself, myself, MYSELF!

[MC]

Accidentally posted twice so I've deleted second post.

[detox5]

Im a real caring person to my friends and to every one, I didnt depend on any one bf my ex, i was strong as anything, no emontional attacks got me, im trying to find that person. I care about everythink and every one, i worry about ppl i care about and always thinking about them. Its time to start lookin through my eyes not no 1 elses, this me helps alot and builds me stronger by the minute, feeling the power and healing going through me. Be a self contained person that requires nor effection or anybody, your needs will be very slim and you wont expect anything of any one. I do and it helps alot, you just dont need any ones simpathy you are strong, powerful, you can fight against anything, you need no one but your stong self, so be in control of yourself and enjoy your own company i say, have i babled again? I dunno if ive gone off topic, im just trying to raise your morals!

[MC]

Six days of no contact and I'm feeling very weak today. I miss her so much. This is the longest we've spent without talking to each other since we broke up about a month ago.

 

She was all for the friendship thing and would call me every now and then. She would call me baby, say how she missed me, talk about the good memories, say that there was a bond between us and that we may be together in the future.

 

I asked her 6 days ago to stop contacting me and she hasn't. I hope I didn't ruin everything. She told me that my statements that she shouldn't contact me left her feeling embarrassed. It was obvious that she was quite upset. I'm wondering whether she hates me now. This is hard.

 

When should I contact her? Should I? It may sound like I'm retarding my steps here but this is very difficult. Perhaps no contact may simply make her think that I'm not interested in her. HELP!!! Encouragement! Advice!

[SLBG]

Hey MC,

 

Sorry to hear your not holding up to well.

 

I just wanted to say, Ive been split from my ex fiancée for 7 weeks on Friday. I started the NO CONTACT about 3 weeks ago.

 

It was really tough, really wanted to hear her voice, see her smile and most of all hold her in my arms.

 

On Monday we contacted each other, sent a few email just general chit chat. I found out more about her than she did me so I kinda felt good. Well Tuesday came and she emailed me again, we had a good talk and then we spoke on the phone that evening.

 

The conversation on the phone went ok, but she kinda brought up the relationship near the end of the call. I entered her comfort zone and then she freaked, starting telling me she knew I was gonna bring things up and try to change her mind.

 

To cut a long story short, she told me that I didn't make her feel important and that I didn't show her I cared. I confessed that I hadn't shown her enough love and affection but explained to her that my feelings never changed I just got rapped up in things.

 

Maybe I was wrong but I told her that I had to live with the mistakes I made every day and that if I could turn back time I would. She then told me that it was too little 2 late (not in them words).

 

Well after we spoke on the phone she txt and asked if she could pick up a few bits from my house on Wednesday. I agreed, and she came round the following day.

 

When she arrived, I had all the bits she wanted. I didn't let her in my house as I thought it would be better to do on my driveway. So she got a bit moody, coz she couldn't come in but soon cheered up.

 

We chatted for about 10mins, she kept leaning into me and was very flirty. I made her laugh and then just before she was leaving I asked her for a hug. So she comes closer and I put my arms round her, she puts her arms round me but I just didn't feel right.

 

There was no emotion on her part, I didn't hold her tight but was trying to show her I still cared. She was very limp, didn't seem like she cared. We hugged for about 2mins and then I let go. I wanted to hug her to see how she felt, if she loved me I thought she would of put more effort into it. I don't know, may be Im crazy but the hug meant a lot to me and was a sign of how she felt.

 

What im trying to say MC is be careful, I did the no contact for 3 weeks. When we got talking again my ex asked me why I ignored her for 3 weeks. I told her I was giving her space like she asked. I asked her if she would of contacted me, she said she was waiting for me to contact her. I told her I was waiting for her to contact me. I asked if she would ever of contacted me, or would it of gone on forever but she wouldn't answer me.

 

I no my ex has missed me, but I don't think I was ready to start contact again, I feel like I have gone back not forward. I found myself crying last night because I couldn't cope. I thought I could deal with seeing her but I was wrong.

 

I think you should stick with the NO CONTACT for now, 6 days is no time at all. From my experience I think you should give it more time. I rushed back in and got hurt again. My ex didn't say any thing bad, I just imagined things would be different after 7 weeks.

 

Im really disappointed, the hug really upset me. I thought when we hugged it would be like it use to be. A proper hug with emotion, instead it was a floppy and limp.

 

MC please don't rush into things, or contact her. I promise, give it time and you will be better equipped to deal with things.

 

If you have any advice for me, PM me or post here.

 

slbg

[MC]

SLBG,

 

I was hoping that you'd post. Your situation is a bit similar to mine. I agree with your advice. Sometimes one can get really weak and feel like giving up. I feel a little better now.

 

SLBG, I don't think you should make any moves on your ex. You shouldn't have asked her for a hug. Don't be apologising too much either. Nothing about "turning back time". This doesn't help. Remember that you shouldn't show any signs of being needy.

 

Why is she saying that you didn't make her feel important? Wasn't she the one who left? She is the one who treated you like trash. Don't feel guilty buddy, be strong. And don't let her have all the control. She left you. She could have tried harder, you guys could have made it work, go to counseling or do whatever. She chose to end it, so don't let her blame you. Whatever you did wrong in the relationship, you're not perfect. No one is.

 

My friend stick with no contact. This applies to me too. You can't force her to love you. If she really wants you back she will say so. Pride shouldn't get in the way. When you were pleading and begging when she left you, you didn't let pride get in your way. I imagine you did crazy stuff like I did. If she really wants you she'll do anything. Don't let her think that you're at her mercy.

 

After all you don't want her to come back to you if she doesn't fully love you. One thing that has helped me a little is to hang out with female friends. Go out on dates. One thing I know is that when I'm out with a girl my ex becomes less important to me.

 

Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to be with someone who I love just as much as I loved my ex or even more. All I want is love. It doesn't have to be with my ex. We believe that it's our ex which we want back, but sometimes it's really love we want. Reciprocal love.

 

I hope I can follow some of the things I've written here.

[SLBG]

Hi MC,

 

Glad to hear you are feeling better.

 

Well I am feeling a lot better now. I seem to have really bad days and some good days (more bad than good)

 

Your right MC, it isnt are Exs we want back it's the love we desire. I just want to feel loved, I no my family and friends all love me but I am looking for a special love, a deep love, I cannot explain.

 

I understand that I am seaching for love but I cannot forget my Ex, I find myself thinking of her more and more each day. The feeling of being powerless, not in control and unable to hold her in my arms kills me.

 

I am also worried that if I do not contact her that she will think that I am not interested any more. Like I said before she didn't feel important to me, not contacting her only reaffirms this in her mind and may force her to move on even if she doesn't want to.

 

We are both in the same sort of situation, I think that NO CONTACT is our best route. If the Ex sees this as we are not interested then we have taken our chances. It's a gamble, but we have live by our decisions. If in time we realize that we are making a mistake then we will have learnt a valuable lesson.

 

It's a hard choice to make, I want my Ex to feel important and loved but I do not want to be used or treated like a doormat. There is a fine line between being nice and being used.

 

I feel like I have been beating my self up inside, I want a quick fix or solution to my problems but am coming to terms with the fact that there is not easy solution. We have to stay strong, take a chance and hope we are making the best choice.

 

Why would our Exs feel that we are not interested. I don't know about you but I have told my Ex on numeroius occasions that I love her more than life and care about her. She has confided in me recently with some problems she has been having, I was happy she could confide in me but on the other hand don't want to be used.

 

She still feels close to me and trusts me, but her new boyfriend is getting all the emotional closeness while I am left with being her best friend.

 

Don't get me wrong, my relationship was not based on a physical relationship, I feel stronger about our emotional relationship and the help, care and support we shared. She was my best friend and I was hers, I don't think that has changed but she doesn't want to let go.

 

Im considering sending her a letter telling her I cannot be part of her life any more, that I am hurting to much to be her friend and that I do not feel I can move on with my life while we are still contacting each other.

 

I don't want to upset her and I don't want to leave her on her own, but she has made all of the decisions. It wasn't my choice for her to leave, I would never of left her. No matter how much life throw at us I would always be there for her.

 

I cannot say that I never had my doubts in our relationship and that I sometimes wanted to leave. But I always saw the light, I worked through the problems and made solutions and compromises for "US" both.

 

What do you think MC, should I send her a letter or let her be. I have nothing to lose, she is not coming back. If I tell her how I feel maybe she will realize that she is important to me.

 

On the other hand this could push her away, which I don't want as I want her back but I am fed up of playing games. I need closure, maybe I should give her more time. Its only been seven weeks since we broke up.

 

I keep telling myself that 7 weeks in nothing compared to the 5 years we spent together. I no she is having a hard time to, I don't doubt that things are tough for her but she made the choice NOT ME.

 

Any advice would be great, sorry I didn't answer your question MC.

 

slbg

[MC]

I wouldn't send that letter. I don't see this letter serving any purpose. It seems that the reason you want to send her this letter has to do with your own impatience. You want to take control of things but that's just not the way it is.

 

She's the one who left and she is the one who has to ask you back. If she wants to she will. And if she comes back she has to prove that she's worth it. You have already applied no contact so keep doing what you're doing.

 

Start thinking of the possibilities of she never coming back and picture your life without her. Just take it easy my friend. Don't try to orchestrate thinks too much. Let her go. You WILL be happy without her. I know how much you want her back but when you find someone else you may reflect on this and it would just be another life experience.

 

They say that if you love someone, set them free and if they come back then ... you know how it goes. After five years of being together she knows the kind of person you are. If she doesn't come back then she's not worth it. You have a lot of love to give. Give it to someone who can reciprocate that love.

 

One more thing. Your situation seems a lot like mine. I must say that there have been times when I questioned whether my ex was the right one for me. I had thought of leaving. I would wonder what it would be like to have someone new. Well now she's left and is enjoying life with her new guy while I have no one. After having someone to share stuff with for so long, it's hard being alone again. But I have to keep wondering whether it's my ex I really want or whether it's love and a good relationship. It's true that we had great times. We stayed together for six years!

 

She's really done me wrong and doesn't care. If she cared she wouldn't have left. So why am I still making her the center of my life?

[SLBG]

Hi MC,

 

Thanks for your post. Well I wont send a letter to her, just felt a lil desperate.

 

Im so confused, I no her so well, she didn't feel important to me and didn't think I cared. What I have to do is prove to her that I love her more that life itself and want her.

 

I see what your saying about it was her who left, it was her choice and its still her choice if she wants to come back. On the other hand I want her to return for the right reasons, Ive been reading a few posts today a few people who dumped their partners now want them back (there is still hope LOL)

 

From what I read, while they was enjoying there new freedom they wasn't thinking about the Ex or how they felt. After a few months they realised that they loved there Ex and had made a big mistake.

 

I am trying to come to terms with the fact she may never come back, but as you no its not an easy thing to do. I dont really want any body else. We shared so much together, I trusted her with my heart and soul and she trusted me. I think she still feels close to me asshe still confides in me (its nice but I want her LOVE)

 

My Grandparents who have been married 55 years broke up when they were about 23 -24. About 2 years pasted and then they bumped into each other, went out for dinner and have never looked back since (Ahh thats so sweet)

 

I want to set her free, she is already free, free from commitment, free from real love, free from somebody who loved and cared for her.

 

I had a long think about what you said in your previous post about wondering whether its your Ex you want back or the love.

 

After a lot of thought, I think it is my Ex I want back. I want both. I want her back and her LOVE back. I dont want to be loved by any body else, she gave me all the love I needed and could ever want.

 

I want to share my life with her and grow old with her, I dont just want to be loved I want to be loved by her. I think we are both lonely, and confused. We want love but are unsure who from.

 

The love I have to offer my ex is so deep, its not just a word, its not just a feeling. Its a sense of deep emotions, I cannot give that love to another, I dont no if my Ex is worth this love but I cannot change how I feel.

 

Its her loss, I will never stop loving her but I will move on. Her new boyfriend may be exciting for now, and she may be enjoying herself, but they have alot of work to do. Alot of tough times ahead and they may not make it.

 

That doesn't mean she will return to me, but will show her what she had with me.

 

Thanks MC

 

slbg

 

p.s I will return to this forum oneday and read my previous post, if they are still here. I will have moved on and this will all be just a distant memory.

[MC]

Yeah. I really love my ex. Sometimes I try to be strong and think positively about how my life can still be great without her, but other times I have to accept the truth. The truth is that I would pay lots of money and part with my most prized possessions if this would guarantee getting her back.

 

But I guess sometimes we have to understand that the ball is not really in our court. We can try doing some no contact to improve out chances but at the end of the day we're powerless.

 

Ive been reading a few posts today a few people who dumped their partners now want them back (there is still hope LOL) ...

 

My Grandparents who have been married 55 years broke up when they were about 23 -24. About 2 years pasted and then they bumped into each other, went out for dinner and have never looked back since (Ahh thats so sweet)

 

Well considering the fact that dumpees are regretting their decisions, this gives us some hope.

 

Her new boyfriend may be exciting for now, and she may be enjoying herself, but they have alot of work to do. Alot of tough times ahead and they may not make it.

 

Same with my ex. She will have to adjust to new circumstances, his bad habits, attitudes, their differences and so on. At least she was kinda used to my faults and knew how to deal with them by now. It's not going to be easy for her. There's a lot of work to be done on their parts.

 

But whether she comes back or not, it's nice to know that whenever they have arguments (inevitable) she'll reflect on what we had. It must cross her mind that she probably should have stayed with me. I know my ex and I know that this is a MUST!

 

Very soon the honeymoon will be over and she will realise what she has. Who this guy really is. Right now he is Mr Nice Guy but later on his true colors will show. But how long does it take to start showing your true colors? Weeks, months? Then she will realise that I wasn't that bad. This may be a selfish and terrible thing to say, but I hope he doesn't treat her well.

[SLBG]

Hi MC,

I no how you feel, if there was something I could do to make her come back I would, but when you think about it would you want them to come back based on the fact you had to give things up for them.

There are no guarantees in life, which I think is a good thing. Although we cannot guarantee that our Exs will come back we also cannot guarantee they wont. Also the new relationships our Exs have jumped into have no guarantee they will work/last.

You are right, the ball is no longer in out court. It is now up to the Ex to decide if they want to return. This process may take weeks/months/years or even not at all. All we can do is improve our chances.

I think you summed things up well, our Exs no our faults and knew how to deal with them. The new boyfriends have got a lot of mistakes ahead of them, if they are not strong or committed then the relationship will not got anywhere.

But if our Exs where looking for a change, because they were bored of us or just wanted to see the world a new boyfriend is what they needed. Thing would never of worked out if my Ex had these feelings, she would need to go & experience the world, then if she comes back the commitment would be stronger.

My Ex was very difficult to get on with all the time, we argued a lot but I always did all the talking, if she has a row with her new boyfriend he will not no what hit him LOL.

All good things come to an end, the honeymoon period doesn't last forever. I no that I was with her 5 years, after its over then It comes down to being in love, real emotions and commitment.

 

Every couple argues, it makes the relationship last longer, but you both have to want things to work.

 

If our Exs are having second thoughts and think they have made a wrong choice the next time they row with there new boyfriend Im sure it will be there last row. I no I am not in this position at the moment with the ex, like you said it could take weeks or months for her to change her mind.

 

Well we have just got to keep an open mind about it all, what will be will be. We cannot change how they feel but we can move on our selves.

 

Thanks for you post MC, if you need a chat or just some advice PM me.

 

slbg

[MC]

My Ex was very difficult to get on with all the time, we argued a lot but I always did all the talking, if she has a row with her new boyfriend he will not no what hit him LOL.

 

Same here, except for the part about who did all the talking. This guy doesn't know what he has gotten into. My ex can be very rude. She doesn't give up easily. Anyway, good for them. I wish them luck.

 

One thing I know and it's that this situation won't stop me from achieving my goals and dreams in life. If we never get back together, I'm determined to let her see the progess I've made in life, and let her wish she had some of it.

 

She must regret! I'm gonna make sure she does by trying to create a great future for myself.

[MC]

Guess what,

 

Twelve days into no contact (remember I asked that we not contact each other anymore) and she calls. At first I miss the call and she calls back within half an hour. She calls me from a number that I'm not familiar with. Although I suspected it was her I wanted to make sure, so I answer. On hearing her voice I pretend that there's a problem with the service and that I can't hear her.

 

She calls again from a different number twice and I don't pick up. She finally leaves a message on my voice mail to the effect of: (her voice indicated that she was upset) I don't even know why she's calling and yet I don't answer. That what I'm doing is so sweet that I have no time to answer the phone. She says that she is calling to deliver a message that a guy gave her for me and if this is the case the guy will have to tell me himself. I suspect that this is an excuse or a lie. Well that was last night.

 

She calls my cell phone this morning and I don't answer. She calls again on my home phone. The caller ID doesn't work so since I wasn't sure it was her, I answered the phone. She says: Looks like when you're having sex you don't answer your phone. I simply say (politely) : I'm very busy at the moment, could you call back later?

 

To those of you who know my story, what do you suggest? How do I handle this contact initiated by her?

 

Let me add that I've been doing quite well lately thanks to a girl I met who I've been having sex with. I've really been having fun, going to parties and stuff. She is the real party type. I don't love her but the sex is great. I think I might live a player life for a while. Something I've never really done before.

 

I'm editing this post because she just called again. I didn't answer. Help! I really don't know what I should do.

[RJ]

MC,

 

Hey no one can really tell you what to do about this. It's your show. I would suggest that you figure out what you want from her though, i.e. friendship, nothing, her back, whatever?

 

If it's friendship maybe you should try to talk to her if your ready. If not let her know that you're not ready to be friends yet. You need time/space and if/when you're ready you contact her.

 

If it's nothing, well then keep doing what you're doing, no contact. She'll get the hint sooner or later.

 

But if you want her back you're going to have to start talking, friendship like at first, and getting that emotional bond going. Nothing serious, no relationships stuff and try to be happy and remain vague and aloof. Let her do most, if not all, of the initiating for a while until you're sure what she wants from you. She'll let you know you just have to listen.

 

If I remember correctly this girl is seeing another guy, right? Did you want to be her emotional crutch or the second man? These are things to keep in mind. And might I suggest you think with the big head here and not the little one, have a little self-respect man. Hey if your ex asks you on a date you might say, "I don't feel comfortable with that, you're seeing someone and that's not right." It's a subtle hint that implies you have respect, character, not to mention you not a back-up plan. Then see what she has to say… I'd suspect the just as friends line and you can then decide that thing about being friends or not.

 

Whatever way you go MC you've got a chance that many of us don't get. Choose wisely and choose what's best for you. Remember why you broke up and whether you want to deal with the hurt again. Maybe this new girl you've met is really someone special you may not want to just toss that to the wind either.

 

- RJ

[GeeCee]

MC

 

Thanks for your PM. Glad that things are going soooo well for you. I totally agree with RJ. I cannot add anything more. Decide what you want from your ex, and find out what she wants, and aim for a win win situation.

 

I think that you are going to have to take the call. Listen more than you speak and commit to nothing.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[MC]

She called again on Friday and said that although I had asked her not to contact me she just had to. She had an excuse for calling but I didn't point out that I knew it was only an excuse. She still gives hints of a possibility of she wanting to be with me in the future. (I'm convinced that this is because I don't beg her to come back, she sees that I'm happy and I have applied no contact to my situation.)

 

Even if we never get together again, I'm happy right now to know that this girl doesn't exactly take me for granted. I was able to speak to her with confidence- as a man who is doing well in life - a man who isn't helpless. I believe that I'm increasingly gaining respect from her.

 

NO CONTACT WORKS! PERIOD! Don't make excuses. Don't try to think of reasons why you should not follow it. Just do it. Letting go has worked wonders for me. I still miss my ex a lot, still love her and want her back. I still have some moments when I feel down. But with no contact, it becomes less and less.

 

You have to accept that your ex is not yours anymore and move on. This is what I've done and it is working wonders for me. Start dating again. Go out with others even if it's just as friends.

 

When you really think of it, no contact is not hard. As far as I'm concerned it's easier than bursting your brains trying to think of various strategies to get your ex back. With no contact, you're not doing 101 things. In fact you're doing nothing. At first it appears to be the hardest thing you ever had to do, but give it time and you will see.

 

Another thing, don't initiate contact. Your ex will call. I see dumpees calling their exes after a period of no contact. This is a big mistake and I don't think anything could be achieved by doing that. Your ex is the one who should call you. If you call your ex you're defeated. What would you have gained?

 

Some folks are afraid that the ex will never contact them again. If your ex cannot do something as simple as initiating contact/breaking no contact, do you think they will do the harder thing, which is reversing their decision to leave you? The ball is in their court. There's nothing you can do so DO NOTHING. Don't contact them. They will respect you like they never did before. You will appear more valuable to them.

 

Let them see that you have a life without them and it will attract them to you like a magnet.

 

I cannot say for certain that my ex will come back, but I know for certain that I have created an environment which will make it easier for her to do so.

 

Don't delay your decison any longer. Implement the no contact rule now and stick by it.

[shockeddismayed]

MC,

 

I think you are doing great. Your thoughts on independence and strength are inspiring.

 

I do agree with the others... if you want her back, you are going to have to accept some of her calls... of course this is on your own timeline and on your own terms. Think of it as spying... you are going to be strong and aloof, and you are going to let her spill her guts instead.

 

You are then the one in control.

 

I also don't like the way she was treating you at the beginning... saying things like "be ready when I come back"... but I think you are turning the tables on her now.

 

Keep it up.

 

PS: your other post seemed to suggest that you wondered what comes after NC. But I think you are answering it yourself. When she volleys the ball back to you by calling, it is up to you whether you answer. You also seemed to imply in your other post that she might even want to see you again (maybe this was a hypothetical). Am I replying in the wrong place? Missing part of the story?

[MC]

You also seemed to imply in your other post that she might even want to see you again (maybe this was a hypothetical). Am I replying in the wrong place? Missing part of the story?

 

I'm not sure what post you're referring to and what you really mean. Please explain.