Am I/was I in an emotional affair with my coworker?

[anonguy77]

I am a married man who had an emotional affair with a long time former co-worker/good friend that developed into a physical affair. I told my wife everything, went no contact with my former coworker and half-heartedly tried to patch things up with my wife while still thinking about my former co-worker. My wife identified that I was on the fence and left me for 5 months to live with her parents. She took my baby daughter with her and at the same time was pregnant with our second child. I figured things were over between my wife and I so I went back to my affair partner and felt like garbage after only about a week. I ended it for good shortly after. My wife started becoming miserable, realizing it was worse to live with her parents than me and practically begged to move back in with me. I was lonely but unsure where we were and missed my daughter. So we moved back in together. One day after we moved back in together, we had our second daughter (she was couple weeks ahead of schedule). I have been doing everything within my sanity to help my wife with the kids and to spend time with the family even though I work 50-60 hours a week. That is not enough. I am still falling short in her mind.

 

In the meantime, during the time I was separated from my wife, I developed what I consider to be a close friendship with a current female co-worker. She is attractive, smart and also has a boyfriend, but also seems she was a professional dater before the boyfriend. I find myself thinking about her more and more to the point where it seems to be affecting the fragile bond I still have with my wife. This has come out of nowhere but it hit me after my co-worker just stopped talking to me for a couple of weeks. I was hurt and confused. My coworker has opened up to me a lot in the past year but I am unsure if she feels the same, however, there seems to be something up due to the obvious cutting off of normal daily contact. Why would she do this if she wasn't recognizing something. It's hurtful because she now is more responsive to people who I don't think she even really likes that much and who I detest. Was I headed for another emotional affair or actually in one and unaware of it? I am pretty confused right now.

[littlestar]

Seems like a pattern keeps occurring in your life. Get help to understand the reasons behind these emotional affairs.

[BellaDonna]

I think you need to take a BIG step back and get into some counseling to figure out what you want in life.

 

You are prone to developing affairs with co-workers while married and bringing children into the world. It's nothing short of philandering.

 

You need to pinpoint what IT is that you actually get out of these situations and why you keep seeking them out.

 

Get a handle on it and decide what you want (do you want to be a husband and a father?) Decide now while the choice is still yours, because if you continue down this path you will likely lose everything.

 

My coworker has opened up to me a lot in the past year but I am unsure if she feels the same, however, there seems to be something up due to the obvious cutting off of normal daily contact. Why would she do this if she wasn't recognizing something

 

She is taking the high road because you are married with 2 babies at home. Maybe she thinks that marriage is a sacred bond that should not be violated?

[COtuner]

Is it your wife that you love or your children? I get the sense that you keep going back and feel guilt because of the children more so than loving your wife. Perhaps there's a starting point for some counseling - what did you and your wife lose that is making you prone to these feelings for coworkers? Did it start with her first pregnancy?

[anonguy77]

It's pretty simple in my mind. I do love my wife. She has been the only constant in my life since I can remember. I care deeply for her and my kids. But, my wife does not appreciate what I'm about, she is not attracted to me or at least hasn't shown it in years, I can't satisfy her emotionally or sexually and haven't been able to in a long time even before any of this affair stuff. I used to ask her for things - tell her what would make me happy and she would act like she didn't hear them. Now I am content to not ask for anything whatsoever, just to come home and see my kids and to try to make her happy while I'm home. But still, no matter what I give. No matter how many mundane functional tasks I perform to keep her from complete misery of being with such a horrible guy as myself, it is not enough. She becomes more unhappy. I'm no expert but being a husband and father must entail taking care of yourself, and not just being someone's tool, fitting into their perfect ideal of what husband and father means. I realize that woudl not include cheating, but I didn't say I was in another emtional affair right now, I'm identifying that and trying to figure out what's up. Thanks for the responses.

[COtuner]

I understand you're angry and you're hurt. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to go alone to a marital counselor and say what you just posted. It could be a starting point to help you sort through your emotions and thoughts, and get you closer to a point of being able to figure out what you can do to fix the situation?

[BellaDonna]

So bascially there is no passion and the sex is not good, with resentment on both ends.

 

Have you been to counseling with your wife about this?

 

Even though you are at home going through the motions and trying to "be there" she may sense that you are not there 100% in body, mind, and soul, hence

Now I am content to not ask for anything whatsoever, just to come home and see my kids and to try to make her happy while I'm home. But still, no matter what I give. No matter how many mundane functional tasks I perform to keep her from complete misery of being with such a horrible guy as myself, it is not enough. She becomes more unhappy

 

You are not content. Far from it. You are bitter and hurt and your time with your wife has become a "duty" which is a KILLER of happiness. She also sounds miserable in the situation and sex is probably a "duty" for her.

 

You 2 need counseling if this is ever to work. To continue it the way it is sounds like pure drudgery.

[anonguy77]

Thank you all for your input. I realize we need therapy immediately if we are to make anything of what's left. I am looking up counselors as we speak. There is just an emptiness now, some kind of isolated disconnect and detachment I have from everything and everyone. I haven't been really happy in a long time and as lonely as it was to be separated, I could at least be me, and not have to be someone else. And I'm no good at being someone else as is obvious from my wife's reaction to my efforts. I just wonder if she can accept who I am at my best and if that will be good enough when I am "all there". I guess there's not telling until that happens and it's not something we can figure out without professional help. I don't know if I'd still be with her if not for the kids, but the kids are a valid reason to try to make it work even when it sometimes feels there is nothing left.

[Rabican]

I think you have shown pretty much 110% proof that you are incapable of being friends with anyone of the opposite sex. Most people dont have this problem.

 

Id say you have two choices, leave your wife... because she deserves better.

 

Or stay with your wife, and treat her better. For christs sake man shes the mother of your kids! Does that mean nothing to you!?!!?

 

STOP TALKING TO OTHER WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! Dont be friends with them, you cannot do it man. I could. Probably everyone else on this forum could... you cant. For whatever reason, you cant separate your feelings, lust etc. from a normal work environment.

GO to work, do your job, answer questions when asked them, and dont go out of your way to engage conversation with anyone of the female gender.

[BellaDonna]

I think if you are both willing to give it one last whole-hearted try then it is worth it....'

 

But it has to be a whole-hearted try.

 

Professional help is definitely required. It won't be an easy fix or a short process.

 

I am looking up counselors as we speak.

 

-Sounds like a step in the right direction. Keep us posted.

[anonguy77]

Rabican, you paint me to be some salivating predator of any female I see. I would have to disagree with that. I get along with women but I don't go chasing the skirt of any woman I know. I had one definite affair which I came clean to my wife about after it became physical. I was recently hit upside the head with the revelation that I might be feeling something for one other person. This is two women over a number of years, during the time of emotional turmoil and separation in my marriage. Nothing before and definitely not with any other of the many women I have known well over the years. I understand I was asking for it with these posts but please give me a little credit. I am not a caricature.

[BellaDonna]

Two is still too many....you know this and that is why you posted here and are seeking help.

 

I hope it all works out for you and that both of you can find happiness in the marriage again. If not, it's best to move on instead of living a lie at home while cheating (or contemplating cheating) and feeling bitter.

[anonguy77]

You know, you are right Belladonna. All of this defensiveness on my part is my way of trying to deflect the guilt I still feel, trying to convince myself I am actually the good person I thought I once was. One was too many. If my wife and I cannot co-exist that will be what it will be but I think our family such as it is deserves a wholehearted effort and that is what has not happened yet. If after that, it was not enough, then we can at least say we really tried. Wise words from you. I will keep you posted.

[yumicecream]

You're making really poor decisions and kind of screwing up what could be a wonderful life with a family and a wife who loves you. You've spit on your marriage vows. I'm surprised that she took you back, but since she did, why are you doing the same things?

 

You aren't a trustworthy person.

[anonguy77]

I guess because the reported rate of infidelity is somewhere around 50% and that's only the people who are telling so it's probably more like 75%. No it's not a justification but I am not alone in being untrustworthy, making poor decisions and screwing up my life.

[yumicecream]

So because a lot of people are doing these things, its okay? Good to know.

[anonguy77]

I said it's not a justification. My point was that it can happen to anyone and I would be surprised if there was anyone out there who never had an innapropriate thought about someone who was not their significant other. At what point does a fleeting thought or two become an emotional affair? And if you have a fleeting thought or two, do you then cut off all contact with that person forever? Or do you say, it's no big deal, I can handle it? Once you realize the thoughts have become pervasive does that then mean you have crossed the line and cheated?? Probably, but you get my point - I don't see the lines being too clear with emotional affairs. That was part of the reason I posted in the first place.

[Kantriakhor]

I said it's not a justification. My point was that it can happen to anyone and I would be surprised if there was anyone out there who never had an innapropriate thought about someone who was not their significant other. At what point does a fleeting thought or two become an emotional affair? And if you have a fleeting thought or two, do you then cut off all contact with that person forever? Or do you say, it's no big deal, I can handle it? Once you realize the thoughts have become pervasive does that then mean you have crossed the line and cheated?? Probably, but you get my point - I don't see the lines being too clear with emotional affairs. That was part of the reason I posted in the first place.

 

When the thoughts are no longer random, when you begin to pursue them, when you being to use them as a substitute for whatever you feel is lacking, that is when the emotional affair begins.

[orangesoda]

yes, other people have had inappropriate thoughts about someone other than their SO, but the difference is that most people don't act on it.

 

You do.

 

My guess is that you put yourself in situations where affairs can blossom. Instead of spending just the minimal contact necessary to do your work, you probably volunteer 'extra' time with co-workers that you find attractive. You probably strike up conversations and dedicate 'extra' effort into making them 'deep' and 'meaningful'. In a nutshell, you 'actively' work towards pushing a relationship from professional to platonic, to non-platonic.

 

I'm sure you've heard the motto - don't judge someone on what they say, but what they do. Actions, not words. In that context, what you say seems pretty irrelevant - your past behavior indicates that you have a serious problem with respecting boundaries in relationships, including your own marriage, as well as the relationship that your co-workers are in. Why did she stop talking to you?

[yumicecream]

I don't think it could happen to anyone. I actively choose to not betray or cheat on the ones I love and have committed myself to.

 

Especially if I had children.

[COtuner]

I think you have shown pretty much 110% proof that you are incapable of being friends with anyone of the opposite sex. Most people dont have this problem.

 

Id say you have two choices, leave your wife... because she deserves better.

Or stay with your wife, and treat her better. For christs sake man shes the mother of your kids! Does that mean nothing to you!?!!?

 

STOP TALKING TO OTHER WOMEN!!!!!!!!!! Dont be friends with them, you cannot do it man. I could. Probably everyone else on this forum could... you cant. For whatever reason, you cant separate your feelings, lust etc. from a normal work environment.

GO to work, do your job, answer questions when asked them, and dont go out of your way to engage conversation with anyone of the female gender.

 

I must say, I've never understood exactly why this line is supposed to mean you have to love someone? A woman can bear your children and you have no love for her at all. Staying together for kids, like my parents did for me, doesn't work if there's no love. It made my life miserable, it made their lives miserable - I used to beg them BOTH to just leave and I'd go move in with someone from school. Biggest fight we ever had is when I requested to go to a boarding school in Connecticut to get away from the negative emotions and fighting.

 

Just passing along a viewpoint.

[Rabican]

I must say, I've never understood exactly why this line is supposed to mean you have to love someone? A woman can bear your children and you have no love for her at all. Staying together for kids, like my parents did for me, doesn't work if there's no love. It made my life miserable, it made their lives miserable - I used to beg them BOTH to just leave and I'd go move in with someone from school. Biggest fight we ever had is when I requested to go to a boarding school in Connecticut to get away from the negative emotions and fighting.

 

Just passing along a viewpoint.

 

Im not sure I see what you are saying.

 

I am not advising that he stay with her because of the kids... I think that is a poor reason to stay with someone. I am however saying that someone whom you have children with, and are in a commited (supposedly) relationship with... you should show a level of respect. If you cannot (in the OP's case) keep your feelings, or actions in check in regards to other women, then the respectful thing to do in regards to your wife/ girlfriend etc. is to stop hanging out with other women.

 

I was merely pointing out, in regards to his children that this woman he is with should probably be treated a little better than the average tramp he may go on a date with.

[spinstermanquee]

The old saying... just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu... translates to relationships.

 

It's okay to look. Not okay to touch, sample, taste, etc. That includes extensive examination of the ingredients and sniffing around! No questioning of the chef! That's an EA

 

Hey after all these years being married I have been tempted a few times. But when I come home and really look at what I have, even with all the follies and foibles, it's still better than living with the detritus of an affair and a ruined marriage...

 

Good luck my friend. My prayers are with you.

[melanie6929]

I know this is a late response, but I wanted to speak my two cents.

 

I don't see why everyone is attacking OP.

His wife doesn't seem to appreciate anything he brings to the table, even before he started his emotional affairs. This is exactly why he started having these affairs, because he and his wife don't have that connection. She is unhappy with everything he has done prior to the cheating. I think they BOTH need to go to counseling. They both need to figure out why they don't have that emotional connection, and why everything he does isn't good enough for her. This could definitely be the reason he started looking elsewhere. He's looking for what he wife isn't giving him. If neither of them are happy, he should get a divorce. Staying for just the kids isn't fair to either of them. I don't think it's a reason to stay married, specially under these circumstances.

 

Marriage counseling may help, but there will be a lot of trust issues now.

 

It doesn't justify what he has done, but still..

They are both to blame.

[miffed]

Please realize when you enter into an affair you are playing with people's emotions. Affairs destroy people and marriages. It is extremely painful. Your wife is hurting real bad.

I think counseling is a good idea. Stay away from being friends with other women while you work on your marriage. Maybe your wife suffers from female sexual dysfunction.