Another Journey of Moving on...

[blueyes29]

Today has been rough - mornings seem to be the worst and I am only on day 4 so I am trying to go easy on myself... it is the first weekend without him. I am stuck in my own thoughts today... pain in my chest is just unrelenting and I hate it

 

In any case, I took my dogs for a walk to try and refocus and ease some of the pain - it started raining and then raining HARD - and you know what? It was refreshing to feel drops on my cheeks and stuck in my eyelids that were NOT tears. I pretended the rain was washing my pain away... and for a bit, it did. I was greatful that the skys opened up... so that was my beautiful moment of the day.

 

I am sad again... so sad... I listened to "Broken" by Lifehouse and let myself cry - not many tears came - more of a silent cry and that unrelenting pressure in my chest and heart. Thank goodness for dogs - Sabra comforted me. It is like she knows and I always have someone to hold onto for comfort.

 

I am broken today - I am struggling - I am in tears... I am replaying words and events and the anger and sadness - I even feel guilt today even though I know this was not mostly me. I can take responsibility for myself and my actions but that is all - I cannot forget he had responsibility, too and lots of things he did were simply just not right. Anyway, just needed somewhere to get this out...

 

Anyone ever feel like they are walking through a haze - going through the motions but not feeling completely connected??? At least the rain reminded me that I was connected. I force myself to get through the day - to try and focus to get work done - to smile - to stay busy - but even when physically up and moving, I feel like I am forcing myself to take a step - and feel a little disconnected... like I am moving but not really there... I think this is all part of sorrow and sadness and grieving - all I can do is keep moving so that I can get a few breaks in my day from this sadness and pain in my heart.

[blueyes29]

So the tears have finally gone and this day will be over soon enough - I have not eaten, yet today and I have promised myself that I will try... when I do try, it ends up going right through me, anyway - so I definitely have not eaten a full meal in almost 5 days.

 

I feel numb - today has been REALLY tough - the worst day, yet... but I know that the days must come and go and that some days will be better than others - yesterday, was a good day - or as good as it could be, I guess. Today is the opposite end of the spectrum - NOT GOOD, AT ALL! Mornings seem to be the worst... Waking up and remembering is painful each and every time. I cannot wait for that to fade.

 

With physical pain, we can get a break - with this sort of pain, there is no escape - no break - it is always there. Today was the first day I wanted to call him - to feel him - to kiss him - to have all the pain go away... it is completely unrealistric and I did not do this... If I had, it would have simply quelled the grief for awhile but eventually it would feel that much worse. Needless to say, I talked myself out of it, but could not talk myself out of the pain... only solice is that I know that tomorrow is a NEW day...

 

I feel like I am white-knuckling it through today... I decided to go out with some new girls I met - one of them volunteers for the same animal rescue group that I do. I think this will be a good thing to do for myself and should distract me and I deserve this - I want to meet new people and now is definitely the time. I have decided to become a "yes" girl - "yes", to new experiences even if I am feeling down - "yes", even if I am intimidated - it is a big world out there and you don't get new experiences if you don't put yourself out there and just say "yes"!!! So that is what I am off to do tonight - say "yes" to going out with a bunch of strangers... great opportunity and lets face it, anything is better than the imprisonment and hell of my own mind and feelings, right now. LOL

[blueyes29]

Day 5:

 

So I did go out with a bunch of people I hardly knew, last night... I went to Sullivans by myself and when I walked in, I saw a business aquaintence and chatted with him for a few minutes before I met the girls. Well, the girls ended up being great people and my aquaintence introduced me to the owner of the company and before you knew it, we ended up in some limo with probably 18 other people who did not know each other, either and cruising to other bars and having a great time. It was spontaneous and very surreal as I definitely would not have been out experiencing something like that, last week - but what made it really awesome was the interesting dynamic between all of these complete strangers... most only knew maybe 1 or 2 people. It was cool to see people be so kind and accepting but totally different. I was intrigued and my mind was preoccupied so the relief from yesterday finally came - in a way I totally did not expect.

 

I did not drunk dial - I did not drunk text - I did not get drunk enough bc I did not want to do these stupid things that would end up setting me back in my process. I tried to sleep when I got home - which was not until about 4:30am - sleep was still not easy and I did not get much of it. I woke at 8am and laid there until 10:30 when I finally gave up bc my mind would not shut off.

 

I have things set up to do today and I know I will be busy... this morning, I feel depressed, anxious, and sad - but I know the feelings will pass. I will be ok.

 

Let's be honest here: I am wondering about him this morning - wondering if he told his parents and *** and *****. Wondering what he did last night or the night before - wondering if he thinks of me or if, at some point, it has hurt for him like it hurt for me on Friday etc. It always seems to hit me at odd times. It is only Day 5 - it is still hard to believe he is gone... but I know I want to be ok. I deserve more and had forgotten that - I was reminded again, last night, that I AM a good catch - I do deserve to be treated well. He was lucky to have me. Why he didn't see it that way??? I have no idea... but that is not mine to ponder, anymore - I spent so much time trying to gain acceptance. I guess I was wrong in that respect bc I never should have been doing that to begin with. He should have known what he had without me having to jump through hoops. We should have been 50/50 - we were not on equal playing fields.

 

The truth of the matter: This man gave up on me - he walked away - I walked away - he could not take it anymore - I could not take it anymore. Where were the good times? I am not sure where they went - I said something about holding onto nothing... he said maybe there was never anything to hold on to. I guess that says A LOT... he said the relationship was "irreparable". I believe him...

 

I can torture myself with unpleasant thoughts - but the best part is knowing that what I don't know CANNOT hurt me - I don't know what he is or is not doing - I don't know who is with or who he has told - and you know what? This is an incredible blessing bc not knowing these things helps me move on - if these things were common knowledge and I knew - I would be focused on those things and I would not move on - at least this way, I can heal....

 

Hope is a funny thing - it is still there - I still wish he would fight for me - I still wish we could put the pieces back together - I know it is wishful thinking bc he won't be back - and I guess at least I know this enough to know not to call or try and analyze that. If he wanted to come back - if he didn't want to lose me, he would have. He hasn't - he chose to walk and that is what keeps me from dialing the phone, showing up at his house, or text messaging - I would like to keep what little diginity and self-respect I have left and would not throw them away doing things like this... but it still hurts inside.

 

It hurts so much to know that he is gone and I will never smell, touch, or taste him again. I will never have those hugs, again or see those hands. I will never see the kids again or *** and *****. The kids were like the neice and nephew I never had. I didn't get to say goodbye and I am grieving the loss of a family who was like my own, as well. I will never see my dogs again - I mean I have my half of the pack but none of my boys. I didn't really get to say goodbye to them, either. I will never get to lay in our bed or plant our flowers - both of which we purchased together. The thought that someone else will have the life I was supposed to have is crushing. The small things between us and all of our dreams - vanished - poof! just gone... 2.5 years of memories and life as I knew it, gone It is hard to leave someone behind. It is like he died - like a piece of me died when it ended. I know it will heal and that the heart has amazing resilience, but it doesn't feel that way, right now... it just hurts.

[blueyes29]

ok - here is the dumbest thing ever... I noticed he was on-line on email the same time as me today and for some reason I felt releived and oddly, comforted? I have no idea why - it makes no sense... just knowing he was there, still going through his day to days made me feel better - he can't be feeling awesome, either... I cried, again... and he will never know.

 

As I said, I am not sure why these feelings as I have absolutely nothing to base them on... nothing at all... they just came...

[surfNski]

Day 5:

 

The thought that someone else will have the life I was supposed to have is crushing. The small things between us and all of our dreams - vanished - poof! just gone...

 

I can relate to that. My ex and I had an amazing life planned out and now that she walked, someone else will be living that life instead of me. It's not that someone else will be living my life that hurts me the most, its that I wont....

 

Yes, I can relate.

 

Good luck and take care

[blueyes29]

Hey surfnski - hang in there - yes, those thoughts are terrible and painful... they hurt more than anything

 

Day 6:

 

Well, I made it through Day 5 and I white-knuckled it a few times and was so close to calling or tm'ng - but was able to eventually talk myself out of it and was back in tears on and off - tried to go about my usual business and went to the adoption event I had scheduled with my foster dog. The volunteer work helped, but again I had such a heavy heart - I cried on the way to the event and I cried on the way home - In fact, I did not want to leave bc I did not want to go home to an empty house and feelings. Ugh! but of course, I did go home when it was time - and that is when things got bad and I wanted to call or tm and ended up not doing it... yay!

 

In any case, it is Day 6 - the end of my first weekend alone... I have managed to stay busy and also, give myself time to heal and make myself feel the pain - only way to move is to go through it... today, I have a few things planned in the afternoon and I know that I have some work I need to finish up before Monday.

 

Sleep and mornings are a b*tch! It's like I try to sleep to forget, but I wake up and remember and it is painful... mornings are difficult and I never sleep for very long - it seems as though the anxiety somehow gets in there and it is impossible. I wake up to racing thoughts and a heavy heart and I remember immediatley what I've lost. Talk about a horrible way to wake up - I can only pray that this will eventually fade away...

 

I spent one on one time with a new friend, last night. Turns out, she is going through a mess of her own and we have even more in common than we knew based on the way we handle things and breakups and all that. She is so sweet and I really felt like I had someone who understood me. Funny, bc she is my vet and we hit it off awhile back so we decided to hang out last night. We did sushi and wine and just sat around talking until 2am - just like girls do - LOL - if anything, I could use some new girlfriends so this was very healing and I felt positive.

 

I'm doing ok this afternoon - not great - but ok - I am sad, but I do have an appointment at 3pm and that will help distract me. At least the sun is shining again today - the gloomy weather was definitely not helping. I am thankful to have the sunshine back. Should take the dogs out for a walk soon...

[blueyes29]

and now, I don't feel ok - went to the activity I planned this afternoon, but now I am home in a very quiet house and my feelings ugh! These are the times it hurts the most... best part is that these are only feelings and this too, shall pass...

[blueyes29]

Day 7:

 

I HATE breakups! I had an email in my inbox this morning - I was doing so well. Why can't he just let me be??? No, I have not responded...

[blueyes29]

It is late - I should be asleep, but that has not happened, yet - duh! The last 7 days have been hell and I am headed into Day 8... the email through me for a loop, today... caught me off guard. Isn't it just like that? Once you let go and begin to focus on you, they have to come back around... what an emotional nightmare... I have no idea what to do and mostly, I am still sad... I have no idea what to do - I finally replied to the email- I thought about it long and hard before I responded. I am not expecting anything bc I still do not even understand why i got the email in the first place... I stood my ground and this was the best I could do - where we go from here, I have no idea, but I know that my own resolve to take care of myself still stands and I will not back away from this and so I keep going bc I know that eventually, this will all go away....

[blueyes29]

day 8:

 

Well, this must be where the indifference and depression sets in - I am EXHAUSTED... emotionally and physically drained... No, I did not receive a response to my reply to his email... all I feel is depressed... I would not say back to Day 1 bc I do not feel the same as Day 1... I feel just as down, but a different sort of down - depression, sluggishness, and acceptance of what it is and not what could be. I realized today that 1000 pretty words from him cannot replace the fact that he is not here and that the email, itself, really was not very clear - just another muddled mess for me to pick through and get my hopes up - and you know what? I just don't have it in me. My hopes are not up - I still feel crushed - sure, I can hold onto songs and I can hold onto his words and knowing that he is struggling but really, he has made a choice to move on and so have I. Part of me feels like it is pretty f*n selfish of him to send me something like that without thinking it through - without knowing what he wanted... it is like he did that to quell his own f*n pain bc he knew that sooner or later, I would reply. Now, I am in this place again and I feel like I am waiting even though I am not waiting... instead of anxiety and nerves about what sort of response I will get - what is he thinking blah, blah, blah - I am just wondering when the next bomb shell will drop to rain on my acceptance/healing parade. I swear it is like they have some radar that goes off everytime we have grown stronger and begin to move on - things are just different, I guess bc he knows I walked with a purpose and he took me seriously...I think reality must have sunk in that I was gone. This is not a game. This is real life and I am tired of wasting time. They always say that if a man truly wants to be with you, nothing will stop him - it may be days, weeks, or months from now but unfortunately, I know he will be back to test my will once again...

 

Right now, I just want to make it through the rest of the day - I feel like there is this dark cloud hangin over me and I can't shake the gloominess - I keep re-reading his words and hearing songs that have a message, over and over - I go through a range of emotion and for some reason, I can't cry today - even though I want to. I think that maybe I don't have any tears left in me to shed bc I have cried so much in the last week. My eyes are swollen and my voice is hoarse from all the crying I've done - I mean I don't walk around in tears, but I have been crying at some point or another each and every day. In any case, today is just one of those days - I have not left the house and have absolutely no plans to. Thank God I work from home bc I am a fright and have barely been able to get out of bed today. Exhaustion - sheer and utter exhaustion... I don't feel optimistic today and I don't feel pessimistic, either - I just feel too tired to feel - so I guess that leaves me at numb, which is probably why I can't cry.

 

My mind keeps wandering to him and I am wondering if I just helped him out of his dark hole and what that actually says about me - I have always been that person to extend a hand and I have certainly been the one to help him through things time and time, again... so why should it surprise me now that he was looking for something from me this time to help his hurt - I wonder if he even realizes how much I am hurting and if it even matters...

 

I hate all of this crap and I just wish it was over. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when it is all over...

[blueyes29]

Day 9:

 

One more day - I woke up sad, again with a knot in my stomache. I know I just have to keep moving through all of this. Today, I feel angry that he sent me that f*n email. It hasa set me back and has made me feel even worse bc I have not heard anything since my response and I know that I probably will not any time soon. The more I digest it, the more I see that it was something to get me to pay attention to his pain - and I'm a sucker and fell for it. I think it was simply a final good-bye to me by being able to purge the things he never said - but they were all good things - that is the real kicker! Mostly, he just wanted to let me know that he was struggling - and you know what? Sure, he misses me... sure, he loves me... sure, he cries every day blah, blah, blah - BUT he is choosing very day NOT to be here - he is choosing every day NOT to fight for me. He has made a choice and 1000 pretty words cannot replace that. Sure, I can hang onto songs he asked me to listen to - I can hang on to the email - but these things cannot replace him. They are of little comfort and the bad feelings are creeping back in. This is why the advise that you don't talk to your ex - bc after you do, you will almost always most certainly end up feeling worse. It is an initial high and you get your hopes up, only to watch them fall. Here it is: No one knows these highs and lows except me, thankfully! I did not say a bunch of sad needy thing and I have still had the resolve to keep my fingers to myself - no texting or calling. I have not heard from him - in fact, the silence is deafening and is harder than anything. This sucks!

[blueyes29]

I have resolved that I will shower and get dressed today - I have been so zapped of energy and felt so sad that I have not left my pajamas in 2 days - I have barely left my room - thank goodness I work from home... job perks, I guess bc I am not worth a crap, right now. My emotional well being is just a little off, to say the least... LOL

[blueyes29]

F***!!!! I saw him last night so I guess this is starting over from Day 1, again I love how they just don't want you to move on... they don't know what they want, but they know that they don't want you to move on. This is such crap! I know I have to start over again... I am hurt and annoyed and anxious.

[blueyes29]

Ok - so he called today, as well and it seems as though he is trying... this is a good thing, I guess but I am just so exhausted that I am having trouble processing - especially since the break-up came with no expectation of hearing from him again. i have resolved myself to still focusing on taking care of myself - making my own plans and not having any expectations... and you know what? I really don't - I realized that today when I was talking to one of my friends - she wanted to know if I would be seeing him this weekend and it never occurred to me - I was talking about my weekend plans and they don't include him - not bc I was trying to be rude, but bc it just never occurred to me... he hasn't said anything to me about it and I haven't even thought about it - I honestly rather be on my own - one thing I am greatful for is the fact that I only have one more week to get through and then I am off to see my family for 8 days! That will be so, so good and therapuetic for me - just to be in a small town with simple things, good food, and animals Again, I have just decided to continue down my path as none of this can hurt me if I don't let it...