Day 6: I have posted about my days for awhile - funny bc I had not seen this post or I would have started writing them hear instead of on the onl-line journal section...
Here is the one from today:
Well, I made it through Day 5 and I white-knuckled it a few times and was so close to calling or tm'ng - but was able to eventually talk myself out of it and was back in tears on and off - tried to go about my usual business and went to the adoption event I had scheduled with my foster dog. The volunteer work helped, but again I had such a heavy heart - I cried on the way to the event and I cried on the way home - In fact, I did not want to leave bc I did not want to go home to an empty house and feelings. Ugh! but of course, I did go home when it was time - and that is when things got bad and I wanted to call or tm and ended up not doing it... yay!
In any case, it is Day 6 - the end of my first weekend alone... I have managed to stay busy and also, give myself time to heal and make myself feel the pain - only way to move is to go through it... today, I have a few things planned in the afternoon and I know that I have some work I need to finish up before Monday.
Sleep and mornings are a b*tch! It's like I try to sleep to forget, but I wake up and remember and it is painful... mornings are difficult and I never sleep for very long - it seems as though the anxiety somehow gets in there and it is impossible. I wake up to racing thoughts and a heavy heart and I remember immediatley what I've lost. Talk about a horrible way to wake up - I can only pray that this will eventually fade away...
I spent one on one time with a new friend, last night. Turns out, she is going through a mess of her own and we have even more in common than we knew based on the way we handle things and breakups and all that. She is so sweet and I really felt like I had someone who understood me. Funny, bc she is my vet and we hit it off awhile back so we decided to hang out last night. We did sushi and wine and just sat around talking until 2am - just like girls do - LOL - if anything, I could use some new girlfriends so this was very healing and I felt positive.
I'm doing ok this afternoon - not great - but ok - I am sad, but I do have an appointment at 3pm and that will help distract me. At least the sun is shining again today - the gloomy weather was definitely not helping. I am thankful to have the sunshine back.
I don't know about everyone else, but I am freakin' EXHAUSTED - it's as is every part of me is moving in slow motion - I wish I could sleep better... bc I am barely sleeping, at all.
And hear come the tears... running down my face again, but at least I'm not sobbing - they are just falling... so I'm just gonna let 'em fall...
