Will I ever be attracted to anyone?

[h1e2l3p4]

I was pulled in by the name of this website -- enotalone -- because I've really never met anyone who can relate to what I'm about to say.

 

I'm 30 and haven't dated much. I'm very shy and have a hard time becoming close to other people. I often feel like there's a wall between me and the rest of the world. The reason I haven't dated much is not so much because I'm shy -- I'm female, and guys will often ask girls out even if the girl takes no initiative -- but because I am almost never attracted to people physically. Even when it's movie stars or some situation where there is no pressure to actually form a relationship, like looking at pictures of guys (or girls) and deciding if they're "hot," I really have no opinion, other than that other people might say they were.

 

I'm holding out a bit of hope that I could someday fall in love with someone, because two times in my life I actually think that I have experienced attraction for guys -- in both cases, I saw them a lot, they were both very open and interesting to talk to, and I found myself thinking about them when they weren't around and always wanting to tell them things I thought were interesting or funny. In both cases I had known them a long time and saw them often before I felt this way.

 

A friend of mine convinced me to try eHarmony, and I've met some really nice guys on it, and I have been able to screen for people I'd enjoy talking to at least somewhat since you get to correspond online first. But as I predicted, I really don't feel anything for them. There's one person I picked over the rest who I've been on three dates with now, soon to be four. We haven't kissed or anything. I've never kissed anyone and wouldn't know what to do. I am not the least bit excited about him, even though he's very nice. Maybe if I tried kissing him I would feel more attraction for him, I don't know -- but I'm not even sure how to kiss. It doesn't feel natural to me. And since I'm not attracted to him, I can't imagine the time ever feeling right to do it. On the other hand, it's hard to imagine my experience with anyone else from a dating site being any different.

 

I'd really like to meet people through interests and activities instead of through dating -- maybe then I would develop an attraction. But my main hobbies these days have involved almost all people who are much older than me, and I'm also busy in my life as a teacher. I don't enjoy sports, and I've tried volunteering and haven't found anything that would be satisfying to do on a consistent basis. I don't know what to do.

 

I also wonder if my being so shy is what's preventing me from forming connections with the eharmony people -- I would never, say, touch someone on the arm while talking, even though while at a party a few weeks ago I noticed that people did this to me all the time. Maybe if I tried initiating more physical contact I would somehow like it and be more attracted to the person. But again, it's really hard for me to imagine doing that.

 

Help.

[jenny_mcs]

I

I've never kissed anyone and wouldn't know what to do. I am not the least bit excited about him, even though he's very nice. Maybe if I tried kissing him I would feel more attraction for him, I don't know -- but I'm not even sure how to kiss. It doesn't feel natural to me. And since I'm not attracted to him, I can't imagine the time ever feeling right to do it. On the other hand, it's hard to imagine my experience with anyone else from a dating site being any different.

 

 

Do you ever have sexual feelings in general, like the desire to touch or kiss or be touched?

[kaolla_girl]

Welcome to the site!

 

I'm happy to say you're not alone with this because I have the same exact problem. I've met a lot of nice guys with absolutely nothing wrong with them but I just don't get attracted easily and it's pretty frustrating. I met this one guy who pretty much had all the qualities I'd love a man to have BUT.. even though he was handsome all right, I just couldn't help feeling extremely weird thinking about kissing him or having sex with him. It just felt off somehow.

 

I once brought this up with a friend of mine and she told me to let my imagination run wild and asked me to describe my "dream man" as in what kinds of physical features would I find hot etc. - and it was funny to notice that was actually a very difficult thing to do. I mean, yeah I can notice if someone is good-looking but it's another thing to REALLY get attracted with passion. And what's even more twisted is that I'm actually a very sexual person and do day dream alot. I don't get what's the problem with me either.

 

So unfortunately I don't know what there is to do in this situation but just wanted to tell you that you're not alone with this!

[mrmellow]

I know when I'm attracted to someone I feel compelled to touch them/kiss them/be physically near them.

 

sometimes it's an emotional attraction that makes me feel this way, other times it's a physical attraction, and when I'm attracted in both aspects it's a more intense feeling.

 

I'm no expert but I know that shutting other people out, being unfamiliar with your own sexuality and hormonal imbalances can cause people to just not "feel" anything for others.

 

When you talk to these people how much do you open up to them about yourself? do they know the "Real you" holding back like that could be keeping you from making a strong emotional connection with them which in-turn closes off your desire for a more physical connection. If you have trouble with this then seeing a therapist or counselor could help. Ideally you'll want to "let go" as shuttlefish said... just don't think about what you're doing with your hands, or how you might appear to the other person, or how they'll interpret what you're saying, just talk off the top if your head, listen intently to what they say in return and ignore yourself and your inner thoughts.

 

I don't expect you to answer this question but do you masturbate? That's one way in which most people tend to get in touch with themselves and understand themselves sexually.

 

As for a hormonal imbalance that's something a doctor would need to diagnose, and it's worth looking into.

 

It could be anyone of these things, a combination of them, or maybe something else completely but those are something to look into.

[velvette]

I recently figured out I was demisexual, and that term helped me understand my position in the world a lot clearer.

 

link removed and see if it applies to you.

[Knotty]

I don't expect you to answer this question but do you masturbate? That's one way in which most people tend to get in touch with themselves and understand themselves sexually.

 

As for a hormonal imbalance that's something a doctor would need to diagnose, and it's worth looking into.

I thought the same things.

 

Do you masturbate and if so what do you think about?

 

And hormones can affect how attracted you are to men. Maybe you should get your hormone levels checked.

[h1e2l3p4]

Thanks, everyone. It's wonderful that a bunch of complete strangers would take the time to give me their perspective on the situation so soon, even from as far away (from me) as Finland. I'll have to find someone else to give advice to, to return the favor!

 

Combining everyone's ideas, it sounds like I probably am demisexual (attracted only to those I already feel close to), but also have rarely experienced even emotional attraction because of my shyness. Letting go is definitely something I have trouble doing. This stops me from forming close friendships, let alone romantic relationships. I think I'm OK once the conversation gets personal, but I have trouble taking it there.

 

I tried a little in my date last night, just mentioning that I didn't participate in an impromptu game of basketball because I have trouble processing rules and thinking so quickly... but that actually just brought the conversation to sports. (Maybe I need to be looking for guys who will steer the conversation towards the personal a little more.)

 

I really have a hard time thinking of things to say -- especially personal things -- when I'm sitting accross from/next to someone and there is nothing to really get me thinking about things. It's different, say, talking to the lady who sits next to me at work, or various roommates that I've had, because I might be working on something or doing something else, and that will prompt me to express frustration with what I'm doing, or comment on something funny that just happened, etc, which can make for a conversation that matters to me instead of something more abstract.

 

To answer people's questions about whether I desire physical affection in any way... maybe part of the reason is that I just haven't had the experience, but I really don't fantasize about kissing or anything like that. At times, though, I do imagine and want to be hugged or comforted by people I feel close to, which is probably a step in the right direction.

 

What I was doing on the internet yesterday before I came here was researching my employer's "employee assistance plan" in order to try to find a therapist. I have tried therapy before, but not so much for this as for "social anxiety." That therapy mainly concentrated on just getting people into social situations in the first place (on the idea that, once they got there, it would be fine and not as bad as they feared.) Maybe if I came at it from this angle I could get some advice a little more specific to my situation.

 

Thanks again, everyone. Too bad this added insight doesn't exactly tell me what I ought to be doing next, other than making the call to find a therapist, but it's a start.

[Knotty]

The therapy could help. Maybe something happened to you when you were young that affected you. Those early experiences in childhood can have a big effect.

 

You said, "Maybe I need to be looking for guys who will steer the conversation towards the personal a little more."

 

Maybe you can steer the conversation that way yourself. Many guys don't like to talk about personal stuff that builds intimacy, so you'd have to find someone that is willing. You must have some topics (that aren't too heavy) that you are interested in knowing other people's opinion on.

[bertdru]

Maybe you are asexual. Because if you have never even masturbated, I guess it means that you don't have desire at all. It is better to live without any sexual desire IMO I mean, look at the bright side, no kids and all that.

[Mguy92]

I somewhat envy you. I wish I was asexual, I mean, girls have no desire toward me, and I wish I didn't have any toward them.

[Knotty]

Maybe you are asexual. Because if you have never even masturbated, I guess it means that you don't have desire at all. It is better to live without any sexual desire IMO I mean, look at the bright side, no kids and all that.[/b]

Why is not having kids a good thing?

[bertdru]

Why is not having kids a good thing?

 

For me it is a good thing. I don't want kids.

[h1e2l3p4]

I disagree with those who've said it would be a good thing to be asexual. Sure, not having had relationships or desire towards other people has spared me a lot of heartbreak, but it's deprived me of a lot of joy as well. Plus, our society is centered around the idea that people either will get married or want to. ("It is a truth universally acknowledged...") I mean, music, poetry, and more concretely health benefits, living arrangements... I'm not sure if I want kids. I think I might, but either way I hate that it's this, not anything to do with what it would be like to have kids, that's forcing me into the "decision" not to.

 

As knotty said in an earlier post, I certainly should work on steering conversations toward the intimate. But I'm not sure how -- what I described in my last post was a failed attempt. It would also be nice to find some more neutral topics (as he said) that aren't just about me, but that I could have a passionate discussion about. That's tough... unless it's education or very specific types of music, the two things I spend the most time thinking about. But you can't have those types of conversations with just anyone.

[retired1]

That's tough... unless it's education or very specific types of music, the two things I spend the most time thinking about. But you can't have those types of conversations with just anyone.

 

Hmmmmm. Maybe not "just anyone", but I'm sure there are those that are interested enough in those subjects to hold their own in a conversation. Bring the topics up, you may be pleasantly surprised.