Issues with boyfriend: Him too distant, me too clingy.

[skittlesfae]

Okay so I had posted a thread at one point about my boyfriend not being around anymore or something to that effect.. I'll go through the whole thing again, because I left a lot out anyway.

 

I have been with him for 6 months, the first 3 months were AMAZING... Everything was near perfect, we were very compatible, in multiple ways. We even went to the beach together for a few days (with his sister and her family) and it was wonderful. Around this time, three months into things, he got Xbox Live for his Xbox 360. And throughout the past few months he has purchases quite a few games (say, 5 that i know of maybe). Since then, things have been so... unbearable almost.

 

He rarely calls me, I have to call him. And when I do he won't answer and later will say he didn't know I had. I just assume he is being truthful rather than getting upset because I don't know anyway so benefit of the doubt. Anyway. And he recently got a cell, so we text but hardly ever and nothing important. The way it should be, of course. But he'll text then not reply for hours, and it turns out he is on his games. Same as when I call. He'll be on his games. Mind you, he says he was doing nothing but his gamer profile on link removed says he was playing, say Resident Evil or Guitar Hero for an hour and some other game for a few more hours.

 

I don't care if he wants to play games and all, we don't live together and whatever keeps him happy and occupied. But, I work from 6:30am until 3:30 pm, he doesn't work most days (maybe two). So he could easily play while I am at work and talk to me when I'm not. Not always, of course, because it's not about when I'm available and all. But just saying, he could do that once in a while right? And then, there's when I go over to his house.

 

He'll be playing some game when I get there, finish up for 15 to thirty minutes, then spend time with me. Time, usually being sex... That's just what ends up happening... Then after we'll get dressed and he'll pick up the controller and play for thirty minutes to an hour then I have to leave. Never been there past 8:30 due to his mom. And usually only there a couple hours. And this is about once a week as well. He will then ride with me to take me home, tell me good bye kiss me then say he'll call when he gets home. Okay, 2 hours generally go by no call. I get worried. Before I'd call or text and be like, you home whats up? And get nothing. Now I just wait it out.

 

Now, remember I said I work 6:30 to 3:30. Monday to Friday. So I get up at 5:30 every morning. I have trouble sleeping to begin with so that makes it hard... But add this to it: The past few months I get NO phone call all day until around 11 then he says can I call you back and it's like 12ish by then. And lately, I get no phone call until 12, and thats after I've tried calling an hour or more ago or text him a Hey.

 

And yes, I've talked to him about this. I told him I felt the games were more important, or that he'd rather play them than give me any time or attention. And that even if that is not the case, his actions have led me to believe it, and it's been this way for a bit. That I waited to see if it might change back the way it was and it hasn't. He said he'd stop the games, I told him I'd prefer he just cut down, and try to pay a little more attention to me. He was perfect for a day or two...... this was a week ago that I talked to him. And since those firts couple days it's been exactly how it was. Him playing games all evening then calling me late at night, two hours after I should already be asleep. And he'll be playing games during the day while I'm at work as well.

 

I will admit, I have been extremely clingy sometimes, and he has been sliding back from me, But at the start we were at equal terms of how much contact and attention. For the first few months. So it's not like I've been clingy all along and he's been trying to be free. But anyway, the past week I have been trying VERY hard to let him initiate much of the contact to see if he would. And he has, some, but not hardly.. But hey, he just asked me to go to the movies, first time we've been out to do anything in..... a looong while. So I will be back on here tomorrow.

 

Things are seeming to get better, but disregard that appearance, and go from the way things have been. Since it's only been a short 'better' period. What I am asking for is suggestions, advice, and maybe some stories of people who've been in my place from either side so I can see if there isn't anything else I can do to work on this....

 

Thank you sooo very much in advance, and thank you for taking the time to read (or at least skim...)

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[omfgzwhat]

My ex was this way too, very obsessed with Xbox, so I decided if I couldn't win out over the Xbox, might as well join him.

 

My ex was obsessed with gaming. One night we were having sex and I felt something incredibly warm and heavy on my back so I kind of freaked. Turns out he was online playing some game and posting on a forum to let them know "SUP DUDE IM GETTING LAID!" At that point I decided it was time to leave, unfortunately I didn't get out until he had played Halo all through me giving him a blowjob.

 

Games can become addictions, this guy doesnt sound too addicted, at least he still gets out in public but either talk to his mom (depending on how old he is) or talk to him and just tell him that you'd rather he put the games down when you come over.

 

Do not ask him to choose over you or the xbox,

that stupid overheating red-ringing piece of plastic always wins.

[Raistlin]

I'm sorry to hear about all this. As a gamer, I suffered from addiction for years and lost a few friends. However, I got it under control before I became an adult, and realized that games are nothing compared to the people around me.

 

How old are you two? It sounds very much like he is spoiled and taking your relationship for granted.

 

On the other hand, you shouldn't be sitting around after work waiting for his phone call. If you want to talk, call him or go to see him.

 

If he's going to put games ahead of you and isn't willing to commit to changing it, you might want to distance yourself or end this relationship.

[omfgzwhat]

Also, don't think you're too clingy. It doesn't sound like that to me at all.

 

It sounds like he views you as someone to make money and work while he sits at home and does nothing. This guy doesn't seem to have much of a life, don't let him take you down with him.

[smiles21]

I understand where your boyfriend is, because I was there. I loved hanging out with my friends playing games, chillin'. My GF used to get pissed. I was being an idiot.

 

You may need to threaten him with a breakup if he cant even consider you. It sounds like he needs a wakeup call. Where is the relationship going? Do you guys have plans for a future or are you just having fun?

 

I definitely think he needs to cut down on the games.

[smiles21]

I didn't get out until he had played Halo all through me giving him a blowjob.

 

 

.

 

Marry me?

[skittlesfae]

I'm sorry to hear about all this. As a gamer, I suffered from addiction for years and lost a few friends. However, I got it under control before I became an adult, and realized that games are nothing compared to the people around me.

 

How old are you two? It sounds very much like he is spoiled and taking your relationship for granted.

 

On the other hand, you shouldn't be sitting around after work waiting for his phone call. If you want to talk, call him or go to see him.

 

If he's going to put games ahead of you and isn't willing to commit to changing it, you might want to distance yourself or end this relationship.

Yeah, honestly I can't say I was any better in my first relationship. My thing was Warcraft... He'd sit there and watch me play for a few hours at a time, there would be days I'd be at the computer for 8 hours not getting up. I definitely have an addictive personality.

 

My thing is that I don't want to see him get that way, I don't want him to lose sleep because of a game, and I don't want the relationship to be over before he even realized he did anything wrong.

 

But... To your questions: He is 18, I just turned 19. We've both been in the 'high school type' relationships if you get my meaning. Not used to the 'adult world' type of relationship where you have work and college and all that. And, he has no school and little work so I know why he is doing it, or started doing it: to fill his time. Since alot of his friends are either working or at school. But now it's an addiction.

 

And, your point about sitting around waiting... I no longer do that. I'll wait for him to call because he said he would and I figure he might not be home. Then I will call and if no answer I'll find something I want to do like read or draw or go for a walk. And I no longer wait around for texts, jumping at each one I get. I just casually check here and there, and if nothing then no biggie.

 

My concern is, how long will I be able to do this, and will it help things in the end... And, what if I suddenly am happy the way things are right now and he decides he wants more contact? What a tug of war that would be. I don't know.

 

And, as for going to see him... I can't without it being planned already because his mom is... ughhh.... Controlling much? Yeah. Though once I have a car I might do it once in a while anyway, and talk to her some while I am at it.

[Anusha]

You like having a relationship like that? Im sorry but I wouldnt be.

[Raistlin]

Understanding the addiction yourself, since you experienced it, might be a way for you to actually build the bond back between yourself and your boyfriend.

 

I haven't noticed any mention of you saying that you two do much together, other than spend the occasional bit of time at his house... where he plays his xbox.

 

Is there any way you could take him on a date? And do you two have a healthy sex life? I discovered early on in my past relationship that while I could use my gaming to kill some time, even if she was home, there was no reason NOT to turn off my xbox or PC if she wanted to do something... fun.

 

I also decided early on (and use this rule to this date, despite being single) that if my SO or any of my friends wants to do something, I'll drop my game immediately, no matter what I'm doing. I've pissed a lot of people off in the world of online gaming, and couldn't care less because I had a much better time with friends or my SO.

 

It's possible that your bf IS just really bored and has nothing better to do with his time. Maybe you just need to help him occupy it a bit better, and the addiction will calm down a bit.

 

As a warning: DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT do any sexual favors for him while he's gaming.

[omfgzwhat]

As a warning: DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT do any sexual favors for him while he's gaming.

I second that, it only feeds the addiction and well, makes him less motivated to even put the game down to have sex.

[Ms Darcy]

I actually think you should change your thinking a little bit here. I think you have a lot of power in this situation, but you just don't know it.

 

I notice that you say you were clingy; this is great. I think the less you contact him, the better you will feel about yourself and the more you will understand his continued interest in the relationship. That also allows you to distance yourself a touch emotionally.

 

If you are not satisfied with something in a relationship, you do not have to put up with it. Tell him that this is endangering your relationship. But also try to negotiate some SPECIFIC changes he can make that are equitable and reasonable. I would suggest having the talk after spending a week not contacting him so much.

 

Lastly, for goodness sakes, don't get intimate with him when he's doing this. Ask him to take you out on a date. Ask him to go for a walk. Something else. Anything else. After you connect, then be intimate. Otherwise, you'll just end up feeling anger and resentment towards him.