Rebel-D Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 My ex is one of the good guys. In the past I've had break ups but there's always been some/all fault by the other person. This time it's my fault and there's nothing I can do to bring his feelings back. I'm finding that much harder to deal with than the nasty exes. Just venting really. Unless anyone has any tips on how to deal with this? Edit: I am the dumpee. See post #4 for more info. Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 So if he's one of the good ones, why do you want to break up? Link to comment
DN Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I saw in your other posts that he left you but you say it was your fault. What happened? Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 At the beginning I hid my emotions because I was scared of getting hurt again. I didn't let him know how I felt even when it was obvious he loved me. I wasn't nasty but did say/do some not nice things (not to hurt him but to let him think that I wasn't that bothered if he finished with me). He took it for 7 months (there was lots of good times too!!) then finished with me. I sent an email explaining EVERYTHING and after a week we talked and decided to give it another go. Unfortunately, after 7 weeks or so he realised he didn't have the original feelings and didn't think he would have. He felt there was something missing so finished with me. Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 I meant why is being dumped harder when they are nice. Link to comment
ellandroader Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I am curious to see you elaborate on this too as I left a relationship which was identical to this. I was one of the "good ones" reputedly but I felt I got a harder rap than one of those that was maybe not so nice. I never understood it. Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 I am curious to see you elaborate on this too as I left a relationship which was identical to this. I was one of the "good ones" reputedly but I felt I got a harder rap than one of those that was maybe not so nice. I never understood it. Elaborate more on what? Link to comment
DN Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Well, it is hard not to bear the scars from previous relationships but your story does illustrate why it is important to not project how one person treats you in a relationship on to future partners. It's probably too late now to retrieve this one but when you have another try your best to not look upon him as another potential ex or as someone who is going to hurt you - take him on his own merits. Link to comment
Laura11111 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I meant why is being dumped harder when they are nice. It's harder because you don't have a reason to be angry at him. All you feel is sadness. It sucks, I've been there. It's so much easier when you can be like, "what a jerk". Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 Well, it is hard not to bear the scars from previous relationships but your story does illustrate why it is important to not project how one person treats you in a relationship on to future partners. It's probably too late now to retrieve this one but when you have another try your best to not look upon him as another potential ex or as someone who is going to hurt you - take him on his own merits. This was the first and last time I will ever do anything like this, that's for sure. Link to comment
ellandroader Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Elaborate more on what? Just on why you let him go. Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 Just on why you let him go. I didn't. He finished with me both times. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I can only suggest give yourself some serious time before getting into another relationship so that you can let go of some of the baggage and be a more pleasant person. Don't beat yourself up hon. I'm sure you'll find a great guy and this will help you learn how to be a better you! Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 yeah! As much as I was angry about the break-up and find reasons to dislike my ex, it really makes it a lot harder to accept the break-up because he is basically a good man. He has issues, but even so, I can't hate him (except momentarily). He didn't cheat, didn't lie, didn't abuse...nothing really that bad...except left me, which I guess I can get mad about but it only makes me sad because I don't think I'm losing a jerk...I'm losing a good guy...a good guy with some depression issues right now...but nevertheless, a decent man with good values. It's not that I wanted him to cheat or anything, but it seems like it'd be easier if these good guys weren't good...then we wouldn't compare them to everyone else. Jerks are easier to get over. But when they are nice, you have to make lists of all the things you hate about them and try to think about how you hate the break-up. It's hard to say anything bad about my ex fiance though. He did get kind of sulky and whiny and start telling me what he wanted me to wear/eat, but in hindsight, it was probably the extent of my problem with him. He was irresponsible about some things too but I knew he was depressed with certain things going on in his life. It's no excuse...but it's not a reason to hate him...especially since he broke up so he could fix his problems. I don't like it, but I intellectually understand in at least some sense and can't hate him. Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I agree with womanwriter and think no one should actually HATE their exes, no matter what - too destructive. I suppose I've let a couple of really nice guys go, but then I've been let go myself and consider myself to be an ok sort of person. If there are areas of incompatibiliy it doesn't matter whether someone is a nice guy or not - they're just not for you (or him). With 'not so nice' guys it's easier to let go and get angry as well which I think can hasten the healing process, but it also takes longer to work out what's going on if they're not so honest and you're working harder to keep them happy etc, so more of a shock. Either way, instincts are usually spot on, but sometimes they are not yours but others' Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 I can only suggest give yourself some serious time before getting into another relationship so that you can let go of some of the baggage and be a more pleasant person. Don't beat yourself up hon. I'm sure you'll find a great guy and this will help you learn how to be a better you! I worked on it when we got back together after the first split and he said he noticed a difference. I really don't think I will fall in to the same trap as I am pretty good at learning from mistakes. I will keep working on me, I have self esteem that needs raising! Link to comment
Rebel-D Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 But when they are nice, you have to make lists of all the things you hate about them and try to think about how you hate the break-up. Really, there is absolutely nothing on his "bad side" list. That was one of the first things I tried. Link to comment
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