I Can/Can't Do This...

[surfNski]

I dont want to go to sleep, I dream of her every night and wake up in tears. I stay up late in the hopes when I crawl into bed she wont be there waiting for me. I can just shut my eyes and open them again in eight hours with no dreams, no tears.

 

I dont know why today is so hard. I miss her terribly today, I have no interest in calling her or seeing her. I don't need her to tell me no again and the last thing I could handle is her telling me she is seeing somebody. In all honesty I hope I never see her again. I dont want her to see what she has done to me, I dont want her to see that she was right that her life is better off without me.

 

People keep telling me that she could have been all that amazing if she just walked out but a lot of that was my fault. I am not saying she was justified in what she did but I played a big part in it.

 

Here is another great bit a of news, before I met her I was really into this girl that immediately friendzoned me. I spent like two weeks with her and she gave me tons of mixed signals until one day I just flat out asked and she told me "if it was going to happen it would have already happened" I got pissed and walked.

 

Anyway, I saw her on an internet dating site and for the hell of it said hey. Turns out she lives close and we are making loose plans to go do a mutual sport together. I worry that I am going to be into her again because I do like her style and she is fine but she was never into me. So, I might get rejected again but at this point who cares, right?

 

I know why she is on those sites to, she is to damn picky. She is fine as hell and really athletic. She has tons of guys after her but nobody can live up to her standards. I still want to try though, I ain't scared to be shot down by her, it wont be the first time..lol

 

I am tired and bored, I am sick of doing school work even though that all backed up. She used to help with all that stuff. You know what, I remember once we got into a fight and I was going to break up with her and she started hyperventilating and begging me to stay. I did, because I believed in working on things. I valued her in my life. Where is she, hoe come it was so easy for her to move on, how come she didnt work to save us, how come she lied and left me, and how come I am 31 and feel like the life I wanted is out of reach now...

 

I wish I could just crawl in bed and she would be waiting for me. I would wrap my arms around her, kiss her neck, whisper "I love you" and shut my eyes and the world would be an amazing place to be. Instead I am getting into a big bed, and praying that I can make it the night without dreaming of her...Praying that I wont wake and start the same process all over again

 

Wherever you are, I love you. I am always here, I am always ready...

 

Good night my love

[surfNski]

What a day this has been, I got a good jump on my homework and even managed that after I slept in with the hopes that I wouldn't immediately wake up crying. Then I started thinking and then came the tears, I am just lost and loosing it more every day.

 

Then I wanted to try and join this team so I was checking my class schedule. Somehow I managed to drop the class I am currently taking right now. So, I cant fix that because I am erased from the class and I have no idea if I can just get back in. I wrote and called the professor but I dont know what he can do about it. I will go to the school in the morning in the hopes they can do something but again I dont know if that will all work out. This could end up phuking me all the way around.

 

She used to do all this for me because that is was what she was good at, she enjoyed it. Then she just left and I all of a sudden had to learn how to do this on my own. So, now, the only thing that was keeping me afloat I managed to mess up.

 

I dont get it, how can life go so bad so quickly. I will keep grinding at school because at this point its the only thing in my life that keeps me from sticking a knife in my throat. I am so hurt and angry and the worst is I am sure she is just out living her life.

 

Why do I even exist, I feel like giving up. I have no one to call, no one cares. If I get cancer tomorrow no one will be here to help me out. I have no one in my corner. Isnt that comforting, imagine you were all alone, imagine no one loved you. Then someone comes into your life and changes all that, she celebrates every holiday with you, inviets you into her huge family. Calls you countless times a day and is with you almost everyday. She says she wants to have your kids and grow old with you. She helps you get into school and keeps you motivated when things get difficult.

 

Then she just walks out.

 

That where I am at, every holiday is now spent alone, every birthday, every weekend. No help in school, no one at home to look forward to seeing. No future...

 

She said she saw no future with me..I think she meant to say she doesnt think I have a future. I cant go on like this....

[surfNski]

The last few days have been torture, today has been an absolute disaster. I have spent most of the day breaking down or accidentally dropping classes. God, I cant believe I did that. I keep telling myself it will be ok, it will work out but that's a hard pill to swallow.

 

I miss her fiercely tonight, I miss the future I was supposed to have, I miss the dreams I had, I miss the friend I had, I miss the life I was living, I miss the partner I had, I miss the warmth next to me in bed, I miss the support she gave, I miss the smile that stopped time, I miss the closeness we had, I miss the conversation, I miss waking up and knowing I was ahead in life, I miss her smell, I miss her laugh, I miss her...

 

I have spent the night pacing, I cant stand being alone. I text a girl I am supposed to see tomorrow, she hasn't answered yet. It will suck if she just disappears but not that bad, its just sex and having someone there. I do kinda like having her around though but she has issues and is not really my type.

 

The view from my window is a apartment building, most of the lights are on and there are a lot of happy families. I was one of them for a year and a half...best year and half of my life.

 

I talked to my cousin a few days ago and I was telling her how much I hate my life right now. She was telling me that she hates being alone to, maybe there ar ejust people like us that love having people in our life. Whats wrong with that, whats wrong with the thinking most important goal in life is having a family?

 

I did exercise today, that is about the only positive thing I can say about today. I feel like I wasted another day in life. You know whats funny, I know a guy who is like 5'5 and balding but her constantly has dates because he is so outgoing and confident. When we hand out he just goes after a girl, I don't know how he does it.

 

I am running on tonight but that's ok, I am not crying right now and I am not pacing...

[surfNski]

Well, I thought since everything I write in here is negative I would throw something positive in here. My situation with school worked itself out and I was able to get back on track with that, I still have a butt load of work to do but its doable. I spent most of the day with a girl I am getting to know. We had some fun and had some intimacy which was alright, I didn't immediately want to cry afterword.

I am not really into this girl, she is just not for me but she helps keep my mind of things. I thought about her throughout the day but kept it together. Its hard because we had so much fun together and spending time with someone who doesn't have the same interest as me can be work. But at least my mind was occupied most of the day...

 

I hung in there today,plus I am exited about the possibility of getting on ateam for a new sport (fingers crossed)

[surfNski]

Insomnia last night, I didnt want to wake up this morning because that the hardest part of the day. I finally did wake up and started getting on with what I needed to do but I still ended up breaking down. Everything reminds me of her, she introduced me to this whole island, she was such a integral part of my life that I dont really have any memories without her.

I am trying to build a life without her but she invades my thoughts, I finally broke down before my practice. I had to call a family member and ask for support. I hate that the one person I put all my faith and hope on betrayed me. I hate crying everyday, I hate having no hope, I hate the man I have become without her. I just keep focusing on becoming the man she always wanted in the hopes I might meet someone like her again.

 

I am here alone again tonight, I wonder what she is doing, where she is at. I don't really want to know, I am a firm believer in not asking questions you dont want to know the answer to. The reality is that I miss her like crazy and she is long gone. I constantly look at my bed hoping she will appear and in reality she is probably in someone else's bed falling in love again.

My biggest fear is that I wont ever have a family, I wont ever find someone who I love and wants to be in my life and have children. I am 31 and I am no where near that. I am alone, missing the woman of my dreams that wants nohing to do with me.

 

Other people hold onto hope that there one will comeback, I have no such hope. I know the deal, I know she has no interest in walking back into my life. But that doesnt stop me from wishing and that doesn't stop me from dreaming..

 

My family keeps telling me that someone will walk into my life if I keep workng on myself and my life. Thats all I have to hold onto, thats all Igot right now...

 

God I miss her...how do people just move on. I heard a song today and the lyrics said something about seeing the sunset on her face. I remembered the time in Australia when I watched the sunset paint her face gold, that smile was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. How can someone just move on from that...

[surfNski]

I had a great talk with a family memberthat is a therapist today. I got some great insight into why she did what she did. After explaining the situation the therapist said that it sounds like she had feelings for somebody else and I know who. I had confronted my ex a few times about her friendship with this person and I think I was right n the end. Its funny to because the first thing my ex did after breaking up with me was start hanging around ths guy everyday.

I made a mistake and looked at her phone records while we were breaking and guess what, thats right, talking to him every night. I dont know if anything is going on because this guy does this with other women. I am not the first boyfriend to say something about their gf friendships with this guy.

I remember seeing them interact together at a wedding and I fely uncomfortable, now I know why. I am going to process this and will probably be back later to wright about it.

 

Another thing the therapist said was that she might have been so mean to me in the end so she could get the message accross. She didnt want me interferring in her life with this guy. Either something is going on or she really wants something to be going on. The thing is though that he had his chances and always just let it be. Maybe because she was happy in a relationship he finally wanted to have her or her attention back.

 

I get it now, that skank....There is nothing I destest more than lieing and cheating. She will learn though, that grass aint going to be greener and I wil lbe long gone. I am going to take what she helped me achieve and run with it..she can take a flying F to the U to the C to the K off...

 

On another note, it wa alos pointed out that I need to work on my shyness more. I am doing a lot better but on one certain part I am still being a chicken snit about. I need to go cold approach more women. I need to see a therapist....I need to make moves.

[surfNski]

So, after thinking on this for a while it seems to all make sense. It kind of knocked her off the pedistal I have her on, at least for tonight. Plus I had a good night, I had a good practice, there was this new girl there that I made sure to talk to. She was hot and didnt really show any signs of intrest but thats cool at least I confidently made myself known to a beautiful woman.

After practice a team member asked if I wanted to grab some food which was pretty cool. I like how this team is doing things, I might have found something pretty cool.

 

I still miss her tonight but not exactly like before, I am hurt that my trust was betrayed and I was played with. I am still really scared I wont meet someone to share my life with and have a family but I am trying to have someo hope.

 

As I wright this I am getting more sad....

 

I talked to this girl I am seeing about a date this weekend. I hope I am being cool about this, I am tryigto keep it light. I dont want anything lasting with this girl, she doesnt even want kids.

 

God, I miss all the dreams I had with her, I am not only letting go of a woman I thought was perfect for me but also all the dreams I had. One minute I was trying to figure out where to live and what school our kids would do best in. The next minute I am desperatly lonely with little hope of finding a life partner to have a family with.

 

I think I will go cry myselfto sleep again tonight...

[surfNski]

It was a really hard day, the moment I woke up I was in tears. Then I took a neap later on in the day and had a dream about her that woke me up. I struggled..

 

Then this woman I am casually seeing called and was free tonight so we went and had some dinner then came back to the house. She is strange and looks-wise not really my type but she is funny and has a pretty good sense of humor. I just dont see us having anything more than a casual thing though. Which is funny because right now I really want someone in my life. maybe because I know she doesnt want a family it puts a wall there for me. Like I can enjoy her company but thats as far as the emotional connection goes.

Sex was ok, nothing outstanding but good enough.

 

Its hard after being with someone you had such an amazing sexual connection with. How do you go from steak to hamburger but I have no other choice.

 

I wish someone good would come into my life. I am greatful for this woman, I really am but I am past just having casual flings I want spmeone who wants to grow old with me...

[surfNski]

What a low day, you know I am just down. I miss her so much today, I felt like I had did something in this world when she was with me. She was so beautiful, she was so playful, and loving.

I live a somewhat isolated life right now and all the woman I have met over the internet have been extremely unatractive. How can you date someone youhope no one see's you with. My only option is to be alone.

I cant get my * * * * together today, I finnished one of my projects but dont have the motivation fo rthe second one. I have to get it done though, I have a busy day tomorrow.

 

I had to learnhow to create this project there was a time when I could have just asked her but not anymore. I was left because I just dont matter, women look at me a hope something better comes along. Maybe thats it, maybe I am just a lot uglier then I think I am.

God, I miss her. I saw a game on TV today that we might have gone to if we were still together. Instead I am home alone and she is out with whoever doing whatever. I remember when we were together we would go to all her family functions, I was part of her family. I used to tell her all the time I never really had a family and I was greatful that she included me in hers. She would always say "well, now you do have a family, I am your family". I miss my family...

 

I have made the decicion to see a therapist in the next couple months. I dont think it will help but I need to do something, I am just miserable without her in my life. It wouldnt be so bad if I could meet other people but no one decent gives me the time of day.

I still keep looking over at the bed thinking I am going to wake up any moment and she is going to be there. Even though its beentwo monthes since she initially broke up with me and I have moved I still think its just a bad dream...can someone wake me up from this nightmare or at least tell the love of my life to wake me up...please?

[surfNski]

Another worthless date tonight. Itwas funny though a girl who I saw about two years ago until she shot me down texted me tonight to see if I wanted to go for a walk. I wrote back yes but got a phone call in the middle from this girl I wanted to date. I had to text back to the two years ago girl and cancel..I think she was pissed. Thats ok though, she lead me on two years ago so I dont feel that bad..she is fine though.

 

Anyway, worthless date. Nice woman but no chemistry and I wasnt alll that attracted to her but at least she wasnt overweight. Its funny every woman I see always has the same thing going on...theit friends are all married, their family keeps asking them when they are going to find someone. I think once you get tobe our age your chances become pretty slim...

 

We the single people..we the unwanted ones..we the ones that have ben passed over and forgotten about. I am one of them, I am one of those people that is alone.

 

People always say they dont judge single people but you know do. Sitting there holding hands looking at the ones like me who dont have anyone. You are thinking to yourself "what wrong with him, and god it must suck to be all alone". I know....and it does suck.

 

I have come to realize that you have to have chemistry, it doenst matter how nice the person is, chemistry has to be there. Internet dating is really difficult because the women that I like NEVER wright me back. Its always the ones I have little intrest in...

 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, maybe tomorrow I will meet someone to love.

 

I still miss you, I wonder if you are alone tonight or have you replaced me....

[surfNski]

God this sucks, last night Iended up atthe hospital because of an allergic reaction. I had to take a cab there because I dont have anybody in my life who would take me. I went throughthat whole process alone, I kept thinking about her and how she promised to be there for me. I sat there and talked to the nurses (male), the funny thing was that they were talking about relationships.

On eof the guys moved out here for a girl but that ended after a six year relationship. He is my age now and is having trouble meeting someone. Hawaii is just really difficult if you arent from here. I thought great not only do I feel completely alone now I get reminded of how difficult it is to find a partner here...

 

I had a breakdown yesterday I had to make a family call, those are becoming regular. I finally agreed though that I need to see a therapist. What else do I have to loose, I am a pesimist, I cant get a girlfriend, the woman I loved used me and walked out of my life, right now things seem pretty bleak.

 

On a positive note I guess, I didnt wake up and start crying about loosing her. I think there has ben some acceptance and seeing her for what she was. I still lover her so much and think about her constantly but I know she is gone. I also know she used me for what I could provide and when that wasnt enough she got her emotional needs met by her frineds (male).

I hate this though, I hate being a loner my only chance at happiness is to change that. I want a family but I think I have a unhealthy want for a family. Hopefully this therapy thng will work out (fingers crossed).

 

I should be more of a wreck today then I am, I dont know why I am not falling apart...that will probably change later in the day.