I Can/Can't Do This...

[surfNski]

I just need to write.

 

Its three in the morning and its the third night in a row that I have only been able to sleep a few hours. Dreams of her keep waking me up, once I am up I have the realization that I am alone and she isn't coming back. God it hurts this morning.

 

I think today is really bad because I had to break no contact. Its funny, after I talked to her on the phone I was so happy. I knew she missed me, I knew she was having a hard time to. I even started trying to convince myself we could get back together. But as the day wore on I realized she could have said she wanted to see me, she could have said its not over. But she didn't she just offered to help me with my business (school) any way she could. She kept offering to tutor me if I need any help. School has always been really important to her but in the back of my mind I couldn't help to get a little hope.

 

When she ended it a few days ago she said that she would think about things but she kept telling me not to get my hopes up. She said give her some space for a couple of weeks. I know one of her best friends broke up with her boyfriend and they got back together a few weeks later. I know that's on her mind because she mentioned it to me on the day she left. My fear is that she is slipping away. But then again I have a problem of fantasizing about things with no evidence to back those fantasies up.

 

I want to call her up and tell her she is making a huge mistake. Tell her no one could ever love her as much as I do. Look back on the last year and a half and think of how good are relationship was. But I already told her all of that and she just packed all her stuff and walked out the door. I never met anybody that could go through three hours of someone pleading with them to give them a second chance and be so unwavering. She meant to give me as little hope as possible

 

At some point I am going to have to write to her or see her for closure. Maybe in a couple weeks but f&%k this hurts, I don't know if I can do this again. Still though, I think I am going to have to hear her tell me one more time that she is through. Or am I lying to myself and making an excuse just to have contact with her...That's the thing how many times do you try before it's time to say its over. What are the sign's that are the "for sure its over" sign's.

[BRV]

Hey there fella,

 

Hope u don't mind me commenting on your journal.

 

I feel your pain. The sleeping problems, the waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep, the loss of appetite. Truly horrible stuff. It's been 6 weeks for me and although I am still in a lot of pain (and expect to be for some time to come) I remember the first few days after it happened and it was a lot worse then. No consolation for you right now i know but i thought i would say it anyway.

 

I also know the feeling of trying 'one more time' to get through to her, to show her how right you are for her. It's a powerful urge, especially having broken up only a few days ago. I guess there is no straight answer to this except to say that do whatever you need to do in order to have no regrets if you were never to see her again (unlikely i know).

 

Now i know this goes against the NC philosophy. But if you feel you need to say something then i think you should say it or it will eat you up at some point. Just don't keep repeating it every few days/weeks. However let me tell you my experience which may help.

 

When she first broke up with me, after the numbness had subsided, i felt all the same urges as you are expressing. The need to see her, talk to her, get her to tell me what had happened in her mind. I think everyone does. But as time has gone on i've realised that now is not the time to go over those things. I am in a lot of pain and she is also.

 

Your girlfriend sounds like a genuine caring individual. And she has had to make a very hard decision, don't think that she hasn't because it all seemed so sudden from your point of view and she reacted unmoved by your attempts to get her back. But she has made it and since it is so fresh still the chances are she will damn well stick to it (she doesn't want to experience that pain again if she caves in and takes you back because her emotions are running high). She is in 'self defence' mode i would guess and probably is closing off emotionally to some degree in order to deal with the break up. People do weird things to cope with stress. Try not to read anything into how she is acting though as it will drive you mad (easier said than done i know). You on the other hand are going through all kinds of sh*tty emotions which may make you do or say some crazy things you regret.

 

Giving you as little hope as possible is the best thing she could do for you my friend even though it feels like the * * * * tiest thing right now. It forces u to begin moving on my opinion.

 

Now i have had little contact with my ex for the past 6 weeks. She called a couple of times and we spoke for about 30 mins each time. I tried to play it cool and happy in order to reignite the spark within her. It hasn't as of yet (and i don't think it will to be honest) but i do know pressuring her and making her feel guilty for what she has done and pleading won't do any good either. The last thing i wanna do is push her further away and lose her respect (and self-respect for that matter).

 

Your ex asked you for a couple of weeks and that is exactly what i would give her. Probably more to be honest because 2 weeks isn't any time at all. For me i won't be contacting my ex until my emotions are in check (day by day it gets better). And to be honest if my ex does get in contact again (part of me is so so glad she hasn't as of yet as weird as that sounds) and my emotions are all over the place and my heart thumping like it's gonna bust out of my chest i will ask myself one questions.

 

What would a real man do/say?

 

I know it sounds stupid and macho BS but it isn't meant to be and may only apply for myself i guess. But ultimately i want to maintain dignity so at least i can walk away with that if nothing else.

 

So if am angry and bitter and my heart is telling me to show her how much she has broken my f***ing heart, or i am melancholy and want to make her feel the depths sadness and place guilt upon her. I won't. I will behave like a MAN, a gentleman. Keep myself together no matter how hard it is.

 

Don't regret anything you do or say. It may ultimately help u not have any regrets. Just do it the once and be done with it.

 

Stay strong brother. I feel your pain.

[surfNski]

Thanks for the great reply BRV, I really appreciate you sharing your experience. You are spot on in a lot of what you said. She is a great woman and I know she is being so cold because she cares about me and doesn't want me to hurt. In some ways that makes it harder, I just get reminded why I lover her so much. She truly is and amazing person.

 

Anyway, she called today and was all business on the phone finally I made a comment about her being all business and she asked "what did you expect that was what you wanted".

Well, that opened the flood gates. We talked for about an hour. She explained to me exactly why she is doing what she is. She misses me and is as tortured as I am.

But she reconfirmed that this is a "break up" not a "split" or a "break".

 

However, before we separated or broke up we were going to compete as a team in a golf tournament with her dad. I have been teaching her the game and she was kind of exited to play. But since we broke up I had told her I couldn't do it, it would just be to hard.

 

On the phone today we started talking about golf and she asked me again if I wanted to play with them. I again told her I couldn't do it just as a friend, I am just not in that space yet. She said that she understands and that it didn't have to be strictly friends. We could treat it as a first date. She immediately felt guilty for saying that, she is so worried about getting my hopes up.

 

In the end she decided that she wanted to do it and she understands that it will be more than just a friend situation. But she also reiterated that there will be no expectations. In fact that was a big thing for her today, the no expectations thing.

 

I know she is struggling with her decision, she said she goes back and forth about what she wants.

 

One thing I am struggling with now is I keep trying to tell myself she just wants to see me because I am the only person who she has ever golfed with and I am the one who taught her. But I know thats a lie, she is not like that. I struggle with that though, I get these wacky ideas in my head then my mind just runs with them. Thats how I ended up where I am now. I created this whole story in my head with no actual reality to it. Then my behavior was a reflection of that story and that's how I lost her. I have to quit that s&it.

 

So, I am exited and nervous. What happens if this is a last date. What happens if the spark is gone for her. I guess I have to face the music. Still, this was the best day I have had since this all happened. I was able to eat two full meals today...Now if I could sleep for more than a couple hours I would be stoked.

[BRV]

Wow. That certainly is a major development!

 

From what you have said it certainly seems she is struggling with whether she made the right decision or not. But struggling doesn't mean she is coming back from my experiences. Clearly she wants to see you, and you her obviously.

 

Trying to put myself in your situation I think my head would be all over the place. Excited and nervous as you mentioned. Asking myself if she is just doing this out of attachment to someone she spent a year and a half with? Is there a chance she want's to get back together? How should i be around her? I bet it is driving you crazy in good ways and bad.

 

I think the good thing about your situation is that at least she is communicating to you how she feels and why things are the way they are. For a lot of people (me that is) their ex is just not in a place where she can bring herself to open up about it all. The walls have come up and they are very high! Hopefully she's expressing her feelings, fears and issues she had with the relationship. And i am personally of the opinion that unless you can communicate these things (from both sides) you can't move forward in your relationship, or in this case develop in a way that will bring you guys back together. It needs to be a continual process too.

 

I mean, yes, she may see you, become overwhelmed with emotions and want to get back with you. But unless either of you can properly communicate and resolve your issues without judgement then what would be the point because the same old stuff will crop up again somewhere down the line. I guess. Emotions make people do strange irrational things as you know. Even getting back together with people, haha. Doesn't solve the core problem(s) though.

 

The 'first date' thing is interesting because that is exactly how i would treat it. You know when people get back together i think they need to treat it like a brand new start and opposed to a 'get back together' per se. And i guess this relates to resolving those issues first.

 

The thing i would be worried about for you (and i know this may sound stupid) is that very little time has passed since the split up and therefore neither of you has had a chance to change dramatically. Something needs to change right? It's a great thing that she wants to spend time with you and that she accepts it's not on a friendship basis but it is very soon.

 

You may be able to fake it that you've changed and fake that your emotions are in check. Sh*t who am i to say, you may be even able to achieve that change. But from my personal opinion i am not strong enough of a person to change that quickly. Mind you i am only 6 weeks in and have felt a huge change already. The initial emotional rollercoaster is on a flat bit at the moment as opposed to one of those big loops. I am thinking much more clearly about what i did wrong and what i will do differently in the next relationship. But i also am realistic that i am not quite there yet. Nevertheless I would be over the moon to be in the situation you are in with meeting up on those terms.

 

Regarding your mind going off in places with no basis in reality. Don't beat yourself up about it. It happens to all of us. It will happen for the rest of our lives i think. And letting it affect your behaviour around her and with her is something i can relate to absolutely. For me it was a lack of communication thing. Not being able to express my fears to her and bottling it up inside. Bad move because it eats you up and eventually comes out in one way shape or form. Sounds like this is a core issue you need to work on, i know i do.

 

It seems like a positive but very tricky road you have ahead of you my man. I envy you and am scared for you in equal measure. The door is definitely not slammed shut so moving on for you is not an option right now i figure. Just my opinion, i am sure there are PLENTY of people here that would disagree. It could be that you are setting yourself up for pure unbridled ecstasy or the depths of sadness again. Tricky one isn't it?

 

If i were in the situation i would look at it like this. If i try and it fails then i know i have done everything i can and can move on without any regrets. No regrets would be the major thing for me. Don't want that sh*t haunting me later on in life. And if things go well then great, but the hard work has only just begun. But that's just me and everyone is different.

 

You seem like a switched on guy and will do the right thing for you no matter what anyone says on here. But tread carefully. And whatever you do, just be a man! A man with a plan.

 

Fingers crossed fella. I will be keeping an eye out.

[surfNski]

Good call BRV, just because she is struggling with her decision to leave does not mean she is coming back. It is driving me crazy, I keep thinking by that time the (11th) rolls around she will have moved on. And why the golf thing, why not meeting for dinner or something.

 

Anyway,I have been struggling today with calling her this weekend and seeing if she wants to do a pre-date date. It makes sense to me, to at least see each other before we spend five hours on a golf course hacking away at balls. But I am afraid of her saying no, what the hell will I do then.

 

I really wanted to talk to her today, out of the five days we have been broken up I have talked to her two of those five days. I miss just hearing her voice, listening to her day, telling her about mine. I don't want to loose her but I don't really have any control over that. When we talked last (yesterday) I told her I would respect her wishes and not call her until the golf outing. She was disappointed then quickly said she understands and that's what she would have said herself. I told her that she is more than welcome to call me for whatever reason before that I just wanted to honor her wish for space.

That's what has got me thinking about a pre-date date. I know she misses me but I don't want to push her away by smothering her. Plus, if she is not feeling me anymore that would make the five hours of golf together very awkward and painful.

 

Today is the day I think of all the little things. The shape of her eyes, the silkiness of her hair. The small birthmark on her back the warmth of her body. Its been a hard day and it isnt even close to over yet.

 

To ne honest the biggest reason we broke was me and my insecurities. However, I know I can trust this woman, more than any other person on earth that isn't my family I can trust this woman. I just need to be given the chance to prove it.

[surfNski]

I keep going back and forth about whether I should ask her out on a pre-date date. I know she wants space and is obviously sticking to that because she isn't calling me. But I know I don't want to show up at a golf course, with her dad no less, and be out of my mind with nerves. I still am getting the irrational thought that she is using me teach her how to play golf so she can spend time with her father (they don't get along). But that is really not like her, this woman can handle herself and doesn't need me to make herself feel better. But why would she want to do a "first date" like that. The only thing I can think of is that we both love sports and are very competitive. Maybe she thinks that if we are going to have a chance at connecting again then it will be over sports.

 

Lately I have been feeling this is kind of a hopeless situation. I mean here we are living together for almost two years, we have talked about marriage, talked about kids, made plans that involved family and then BAM she is done.

Where do you go from there? She must be pretty confident that she does not want to be with me to throw all that away.

 

It is hard to think that I was planning a family with this woman and it took me so long to find her. Now I am 31yo, when is the next one going to come along. I want to be married, I want kids and I am not the type of guy that has endless women knocking on my door. Its not supposed to be this hard, people aren't suppose to break up unless something drastic happens. Where is the commitment, where is heart to stay in something when the road gets rough.

 

I am rambling tonight but its better than the alternative...

[surfNski]

So, tomorrow is the day I plan on calling up the ex and seeing if she wants to do a pre-date for our "first date". I have thought over and over about whether I should break the NC and call and see if she wants to do this. I just keep thinking that to show up at a golf course to play in a tournament together after not speaking to each other for almost two weeks is a bad idea. Especially considering what we have gone through. But if she says no and she doesn't want to do a pre-date date I dont know what I will do. How could she want to do this thing which she calls a first date but not want to have a little get together before hand. I mean spending five hours in a golf cart could be pretty brutal if we cant get a good vibe going.

 

I did ok today, it was the first day since she left that I wasn't a wreck. I painted my fence, did some school work and went surfing twice then I cooked a little dinner that turned out pretty good. Not bad, I even started putting together a little profile for an online dating site.

 

I am nervous about tomorrow though. I really love this woman I just don't think she is feeling the same about me. We will see how tomorrow goes I could be on here freaking out all day long..lol

[surfNski]

Well, I made the call and it did not go as I had planned or hoped for that matter. It was not a complete clusterphuck but it was close. So, I get her on the phone and things start out good, we always have pretty good conversations. But she mentions something about the golf date and I mention having a pre-date this weekend. It kind of took her off guard but I made a little joke when I brought it up so she laughed. The she finally said we could go hit balls the get some dinner on Tuesday.

With a bit of a sad tone I said OK. She noticed the tone and said she didn't want to hurt me. I asked, why not the weekend and to make a long conversation short she basically said that it would give me the wrong impression. I said, weekdays friends eat together on weekends people go on dates together. She said, ya but I don't think of you as just a friend.

 

She kept reiterating how she didn't want to hurt me and doing so was really difficult for her but she didn't want me to get my hopes up. She said she loves me and that she misses me and wants to play golf with me. I asked her specifically was she trying to take away every bit of hope that I had, she answered yes. I finally said well if that's the case we don't need to spend anytime together. Whats the point, why even go do anything together if she is just going to constantly hurt me. I understand that I shouldn't have any expectations but if I have no hope then both she, and I, should just move on.

She finally relented and I think she was feeling a little guilty. She said we can meet anytime you want. I told her we will just do it Monday then go out to dinner.

 

This is difficult. I am happy that at least I have a shot as small and pointless as it seems. I still have a small worry that I am being used because I have a golf game but I have to believe that that is not the case. She has never given me any real reason to think she would use me. In fact the opposite is true.

 

God, I love this woman. She isn't even that amazing looking just a solid good person who's inner beauty only enhances the beauty that she has. She is wicked cute though, I wont lie....

 

I know she is having a hard time deciding what she wants to do and until she tells me it's done and I have no chance I will keep trying. I am getting exhausted though, it is like trying to climb a dangerous steep mountain in total cloud cover with someone throwing rocks at you from above.

[surfNski]

Tonight I am just plain sad. I see all these other people and they are happy, their significant other wants to be with them. They are loved, wanted, and appreciated.

 

Me, I have to fight just to get the woman who said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me to have a date with me. That is once I get past all the "don't have any expectations" and "there is almost no hope". I am stuck in the country because of this * * * * economy and I feel like I am way over my head in school right now.

 

Even worse I have no motivation. I feel like whats the point, sooner or later this woman is going to get comfortable with me not being in her life and be over it.

 

I am bummed tonight.

[surfNski]

This is the my third post tonight...lol and its Friday night. No really, I am not this much of a looser

Anyway, the more I think about my situation the more I think I am being naive. Here is a woman who BROKE UP with me, moved all her stuff out and went out of her way to make me understand that we have no hope of getting back together. So, I call and we miss each other, we love each other, yet she still does not want me whatsoever to get my hopes up. Every chance she gets she reminds me "not to get my hopes up" "there is almost no chance of a future". At what point do I say f&ck this, I am tired of being unwanted and taken for granted.

I think I am just stalling the inevitable, I have never been one to look at a mountain and say "I cant climb that". I will be alone again, probably for a long time. But I will have my dignity and I will have my pride. Really though, does that sh*t matter when you are so lonely it feels like every fiber of your being is being ripped apart?

 

I suppose I will see how Monday goes. I know I wont talk to her until then, she wont call. After all, that might give me some hope. Why would you have a date with someone and expect them not to have any hope?

 

I am getting pissed.

[surfNski]

God, I am sad today. I know that I am going to have to give up and let her go. She doesn't call, she doesn't want me to have hope, she doesn't want to have a "date" on the weekend because it would give me the wrong impression. She wants me to bring anything that is hers with me when we meet Monday and she tells me there is almost no chance. What more do I possibly have to hear.

 

Of course she also wont tell me she is completely done with me. I told her that is she doesn't want me to have any hope than there is no reason for us to see each other and she still wants to see me.

 

I am getting mixed messages and I know that and she knows that. I think part of it is she wants me to play golf with her in this tournament. I imagine after the tourney I will get a direct and oneway ticket to the "friendzone".

 

I will not be used, I will not be taken advantage of. I feel like sh*t though, I wanted it all with this woman. Its so hard to imagine that someone can just "shut it off" so quickly.

 

Either way I think it will be better if we just go one way or the other. I will be destroyed but I deserve it. I just have tonight, tomorrow and Monday and I will get this out of the way and I can start healing.

[surfNski]

Tonight I feel like saying F&CK THIS. It has been a horrible day, I couldn't concentrate on anything, I thought about her all day. I am nervous about tomorrow because I know it's going to suck. I get to listen to her tell me one more time that it's over and she is done with me. Then I get to cancel our "golf date" because I know that if she wont actually have a real date with me then there is no reason to continue. All that's left is to walk away. And unlike some other people on here I KNOW that NC will not cause her to miss me and want to come back. I know, I know its supposed to give me space to heal. But I think if we all search our hearts the majority of us will admit that under it all we hope the NC will motivate them to return.

 

So, tomorrow I get to loose all hope and have it confirmed that I am going to be lonely and sad for a long time.....good times.

 

Oh well, maybe I can start healing after tomorrow is done. Of course then I am still stuck out in the country in a house that wont sell. I still have no family withing 5,000 miles and I don't have any friends here either. So, I can continue fixing up my house for no reason. I can continue school but its all online so I never even get to say hello to anybody.

Holy hell, I need some good news.

 

I feel like my life is sh&t and I have no hope for a future. I will dies alone out in the middle of nowhere with nobody. Do you know if something happened to me today there would be no funeral, no one would come, no one would care. Two weeks later my mother would come pick up my ashes and that's it. I would be a fading memory in the minds of people who have moved on with there lives, like my ex.

 

It hurts to know you don't matter and nobody cares. Where do you go with that type of realization.

[surfNski]

So, today is the day, I really have no idea how to proceed. Part of me thinks I should just get the whole thing over with when I get there and skip all the hitting golf balls and dinner business. The other part of me wants to at least give it a shot and see if anything comes of it. The problem is every moment that I am with her makes me want to be in her life more.

 

I spent a few hours today writing a good by letter, which I must say felt great. I loved sitting in my house crying and typing. But, it says all things I know I wont be able to say because I will be to hurt. I will give it to her when she leaves and that will be it. I will be .......

 

Holy sh*t she just called while I was writing this. Its been almost a week and a half and the only time she has called is to talk about school specific stuff.

 

This was the best phone call we had, she asked me about golf clubs that she wants to buy and I gave her my opinion. I then couldn't help myself I asked her if she was more into the golf than me and she took a minute then said she really wants to see me. She said she doesn't want to get my hopes up but she wants to see me. She also said she hasn't given up on us.

 

I told her that was all I needed to hear but she said again that she hasn't given up on us she just doesn't want to hurt me. I told her that if there is no hope for us that we need to stop right now. She said there was hope, so, I said then lets leave it at that. I know and understand that she may choose not to get back together with me but I have hope, we have a date and that gives me hope.

She said that's fine so I said ok I will see you later today have a good day and good luck bidding on the clubs. She said ok golf then dinner, she even got a little sweetness in her voice like she used when we would flirt on the phone together.

 

For once I don't have a mixed message I have a positive message. Don't get me wrong she is saying it might/probably not work out but she is trying. And that is enough for me right now, she does not lie or give false hope that's just not her so I know this is real.

 

lets see how we do tonight when I try to initiate some kind of physical contact. Not so much sexual but affectionate. If this works out I swear I will respect the help that asked for and act accordingly.

[surfNski]

I went on the "pre-date" with my ex and it was...just....odd. At first we were a bit physically awkward with each other. I didn't know if it was ok to touch her and I didnt really know what to say. But after we went and hit balls we started having more physical contact and started "feeling: each other again.

She was very impersonal at first but after a while became loving and nice. I told her my main reason for wanting to see her before the golf tournament was to make sure this wasn't just a golf connection. I told her I was scared she was trying to move me into the "activity partner" zone instead of the bf zone. She said she understood and no she wasn't doing that. After asking her repeatedly for another date after after the golf tourney she finally said she understood and promised we could have another date. However, she would not give me a day.

 

It was really difficult because we would act like a couple, I would have my arms around her, kiss her, she even fell asleep in my arms at the end of the night. But she would not make any commitments with me....nothing. She wouldn't even say if we were going to see each other after the added date. And she said she didn't want to talk to me daily like we used to do.

 

But on the other hand she told me she loves me, that she misses me and our conversations. She said that this was the best day she has had since she broke up with me. She said that there is a chance and she didn't say no to anything she just said "we will see" and "lets just take it slow".

 

She doesn't want to come over to the house because she knows we will end up in bed together.

 

She said that she wants everything we had before, she loves me, and wants a future with me. There is just this thing that is holding her back. She doesn't know what it is but she cant get rid of it. She wont make any commitments to me because she doesn't want to break them. If she says she will do something she will do it and she doesnt want to break commitments with me.

 

She knows she is giving me mixed messages and she knows she is hurting me she just cant get past this thing that is holding her back.

 

I have no idea what to do. I mean I love this woman, I want her in my life always and I know she wants the same thing but what do I do. She said it doesn't even necessarily matter how I act, she knows we are great together she just doesnt know if she can get over this thing.

 

This is really difficult and every time I talk to her or see her I have to wonder if its going to be the last time. I guess at this point I will just try and take things slowly.....which is really hard for me.

[surfNski]

One more thing, at the end of the night we got to her mom's and we parked and held hands and talked. After a little while I went over and got in her seat with her. It was uncomfortable(I dont have a big vehicle) but it felt amazing. We talked until she fell asleep in my arms. I let her sleep as I enjoyed being that close to her again then I woke her up about 20 minutes later because she had work in the morning. I said wake up "little one" the way I used to when she would fall asleep at home. She smiled and repeated "little one" because she loved being called that.

 

This is just hard, I don't know whether to be happy because all the feelings are still there or sad and scared because at any moment she could very possibly say "no, I'm done". She has it emotionally set up to look like that will be the outcome. She makes sure nothing is left at my house, no plans, no commitments of any kind. To me, it looks like I am being set up for a quick exit.

 

I really hope that's not the case....

[surfNski]

Its Tuesday night and I am still confused and in fear. She has always been honest with me and never led me on. She says she hasn't given up on us, she says there is a chance. She doesn't want to talk to me and she doesn't want to make any future plans to see me. What do I do when our last date comes around. Do I just hope she wants to see me again or is she just going to drift away.

I told her if she gets to that point she is going to have to tell me she is done, she doesn't want me in her life. She said she doesn't think she can do that. So does that mean I just have to guess. At this point if I had to take a guess I would say this person doesn't want to be with me. That's what her actions show.

 

I am just really confused tonight. I did some of the school work I needed to get done and I golfed today. I golfed good probably because how good last night made me feel. If my life is in turmoil I cant perform in any sport. That's just the way it is for me but today I was golfing pretty good.

 

I will probably be back later tonight to wright, for some reason this seems to help temporarily and right now I will take that.

[surfNski]

I think I know how this is going to end. She is going to make this so hard for me that I have to walk away. I get it, make it so painful that I have to walk away or I will go insane. That is a cowards way out, not only that its cruel and hurtful.

 

I find it hard to believe she would be like that but then again I find it hard to believe she would have done a lot of the things she has done. As it is now I hurt all the time. I truly do not know whats worse not having her in my life and the death of a dream or having her in my life while I watch her destroy my dream.

 

I really wanted to use this golf thing tomorrow as some sort of leverage to keep her in my life. I know that sounds sick but that's what i was trying to do. But now she holds all the cards, she doesn't need me or really want me.

 

I guess I am going to have to face the music at some point. This is going to turn out to be a monumentally sh*tty month. Tomorrow I will golf after that I will deal with her not wanting to be in my life.....

[surfNski]

So, I just talked to her and of course I cannot hold my tongue and started talking to her about "us". She, of course, is a bit sick of it by now. Anyway, I guess tomorrow is that day we decide what we are going to do. She said she had previously wanted a break but didn't get it. I aksed her if that is what she wanted then we can just golf tomorrow then she can have her two weeks. She said she didn't know, she doesn't want to leave me hanging but she has to take care of her own feelings as well.

 

I was worried that she was just using me for comfort in the golf tourney tomorrow but she said she had planned on spending the rest of the day with me. I asked her if we still had a chance together and she kept repeating her answer hasn't changed...she just doesn't know.

 

So, at this point it looks like after golf tomorrow that old surfNski is going to be put on the shelf. Oh well, I suppose at this point that at least is a direction. And right now that sounds pretty good, this just hanging out and getting turned away at every door feels like sh*t. She is supposed to call me back here in the next half hour just to get tomorrows business taken care of. Heaven for bid she might want to actually just talk to me.

[surfNski]

I just talked to her for like the third time today she keeps calling me back while she runs around town. Plus she said she is going to call me back after she is done at the theater with her friend. Not only that but she said she loves me and she wants to have a relationship with me its just this thing keeps holding her back. I asked her what she wanted to do in the future and she said she didn't know. But somehow we ended up agreeing we could still date while she tried to figure this out.

 

She also told me how much she enjoyed falling asleep in my arms the other night.

 

Then I asked her what she did instead of going out with her girlfriends the other night and she told me she went and hit balls with the guys I have had some trust issues with in the past. I cruised right by it and was very supportive that she was getting some help with her game. These guys are just friends although one of them had a crush on her in the past but she shut him down.

 

We already have our plans set for tomorrow and she still wants to call me back tonight.

 

I think I am in the twilight zone, this is way to much good stuff for it to be real.

 

If this keeps up I am going to have to honor my commitment to pray.

[surfNski]

Holy hell, I dont want the day to end. She called me after the movie and talked with me all the way until she got home. I asked her if i could talk to her until she got home to make sure she got home safely and she easily said yes. Then when I brought up going out Sunday she said "that's on the table".

 

Then I told her I used the soap she got me ( I like natural soaps) and she said "you know I like to take care of you".

 

This evening was so unexpected and nice. I know it doesn't mean we are getting back together but to me its progress and it feels good. I missed that connection with her.

 

 

[surfNski]

Well, the golf tourney went really well. I didn't play all that well but I had fun and I did ok considering the situation. My ex? decided we could still date while we tried to figure out how to deal with this. She still maintains that this a break up and there are no guarantee's but she is willing to put in a lot of work to try and work through this. Unfortunately it is not anything I can fix or help with. She doesnt even know what it is, she loves me, she wants to be with me, she wants to be married to me, she just cant get over this feeling.

 

I talked with a therapist who is a family member and he told me don't push her and we have to get professional help. This wont "just go away", we are going to have to get some help. We both have some past issues (who doesnt) and we are going to have to work through that with each other to have a chance.

 

I am cool with that and my ex said she is willing as a last resort but hates the idea. So, I guess tomorrow I have to put it to her and she is willing to put in a bunch of work. The good thing is that she is going to have to work through this one way or another whether its with me or someone else.

 

So, we have had a few dates and I love spending time with her. Its funny she put on a few pounds through all this while I lost a few. I swear I dont know waht it is about this woman but she just works for me.

 

By the way, in the golf tourney she played horrible...poor thing, she took it good though and after we had to go to the golf store so she could get more "stuff". Also, part of this situation is she feels she cant be intimate with me because it just is to much of a connection. The funny thing is we are so sexually into each other it's obnoxious....so we just stay horny all day long..lol

[surfNski]

I read someones post tonight and they mentioned ex's abusing some of the power they have when starting over again. I think I am dealing with a little of that now with my ex. I suppose I will just deal with it at this point.

 

So, she called me tonight to remind me that we were going to go to a sports sale in the morning. She knows me well and knew I would forget. She wouldn't call me honey or anything else endearing but she was quick to remind me that she called tonight. I told her "yea, but it was about the sale tomorrow not about talking to me". She came up with some excuse, it kind of sucked but I think we are going through some sort of power struggle.

Either way tomorrow we get to talk about whether she wants to put in the work. At the moment I am not confident she will be willing.

 

Oh well, its midnight, I am tired and I just got done watching the movie MILK. Cool movie by the way and that Sean Penn sure can do his thing. I wont lie though there was a whole lot of gay stuff going on in that movie....lol

[ironman]

Surf, I am hope you fix your with your girl bro,I really do but.just be carefull.she dumped you once, she could do it again.forget about words, talk is cheap.especially with women.they often say one thing but feel other.it's weird.I just don't want to see you down again..brace yourself please.at some point you will have to even this relationship out.she seems in control.you r dancing to her music and a relationship should be 50/50 always,remember that.

[surfNski]

Thanks for the advice Ironman and good timing. We were supposed to spend the day together, so, I go and pick her up this morning. We went to the sale that we had planned then I started to bring up the "work" that I think we need to put in to this relationship. Which basically means I think we need to see a professional to help us through are problems.

She said she didn't want to talk about that early. So, we spent the morning in town watching some beach volleyball and eating treats. When we were going to eat some lunch I started to bring up the advice I got about seeing a couples therapist. Needless to say she wasn't willing to do that. She said that it would be a waste of time and money if things didn't work out. I pointed out that what we were doing now wasn't working. She agreed and said she thinks we dont have a chance and that she thinks its over.

So, that was it. I dropped her of at her mom's and asked her again if she was willing to see a marriage counselor. She said no, she didn't think it would work.

 

I left and now it's over. I don't really see a purpose to wright in here anymore. I mean before there was a chance but now I have nothing. Our relationship wasn't worth putting in the effort for her. She is no longer in my life.

[surfNski]

Just one more thing. Never watch Pride and Prejudice right after being dumped by the woman you were going to marry. Love the movie but holy hell it kicks you in the nuts when you are already feeling down...