Lost that lovin feeling...

[Mamasita]

I'm in a bit of a bind at the moment. Trouble is i feel like i'm stuck in a relationship i dont want to be in and i dont know how to get out of it because he keeps feeling like we can work through our issues or work it outtogether. we got engaged very quickly and at a time of my life when things were not so good. i had just come out of an abusive relationship etc (literally just out - like 2 weeks if that) and he was there for me when no one else was.

 

we fight a lot and things get out of hand, i smashed a phone a few weeks ago because he was trying to take it off me, last weekend we fought in the middle of a club because i didnt see him and bought a round of shots for everyone except for him and he was so offended, he's been giving me my space because he knows i'm so unhappy with him especially after that embaressing incident where he got so cut over something so trivial - but he dosnt want to break up.

 

i dont know why he's so determined to keep us together!! i dont feel like i'm even that great to him that he should want to spend the rest of his life with me. i have been fairly depressed for a while due to the problems my last relationship created for me and have only just gotten my life back on track in terms of gaining weight again, going back to work, stopping with drug abuse, regaining my closeness with my family & back in touch with the friends i used to have before i spiralled out of control with & through my ex.

 

thing is now he comes up with saying that now my life is back together i dont want to be with him and all that sort of thing that ends up making me feel bad. fact is, i just dont think he's 'THE ONE' and i'd rather be alone then with someone i'm with just because we were happy once, or he proposed, or it seemed like a good idea at the time. having said that, i'm

also confused wondering if its my depression that is making me unhappy... not him. i really dont know what to do and its just depressing me even more, i have absolutely no enthusiasm for organising our wedding, i find something wrong with everything he does, i dont see the positives in him, i keep seeing him as this big idiot and i know its really unfair of me and he deserves better then that but i have such a bad attitude towards our relationship no matter how hard he tries.

 

thing is no one is perfect but when u really love someone u dont really sweat the small stuff but with me... all the small stuff just keeps piling up and makes me think omg, how can i ever be happy with all this crap? the other thing is, as a result of the way i am he's becoming more and more insecure (which is also annoying because it prompts irritating behaviour).

anyway so i dont know what to do... i've decided to go see a psychologist even though secretly i think i would be happy if i could just be free of men and all their crap. i have very little enthusiasm for life and where i fit in this world i'm not the happy, bubbly, talkative person i used to be - i've become very introverted and at times suicidal. i feel like happiness is a new wardrobe and 'singleness' away but that seems impossible because this guy wont let me leave him and i just cant be bothered with the hassles of trying to split up with him. grrrrr. I'm so confused

[Ellie2006]

How clear have you been to him about how MUCH you want this relationship to end?

 

When you have your next conversation with him, I think you should first acknowledge the fact that he was there for you through some terrible times and thank him for the support, love, and generosity.

 

BUT then I think you have to get straight to the point and make it very clear -- i.e. no mixed messages -- that you feel that the relationship is not moving forward and at this point in time, you have NO desire to put in the effort to making the relationship work, and you are not sure if you will ever want to make an effort into making things work.

 

Will this hurt him. Yes.

But it's hurting him now that he's in a relationship with a woman who's desperate to break things off with him.

 

Just my two cents.

[Mamasita]

i feel like i've been pretty clear but he seems to think thats just how i deal with our arguments and that i'll get over it if he's patient and perseveres, and talks to me enough....

 

u are right though, he dosnt seem to realise it but its worse for him being in this relationship. i'm thinking he feels like he's invested too much in this to walk away, he's never bought a ring for anyone etc. i feel like he's far too concerned with how humiliating it would be to call off an engagement then deal with the fact that we're not right for each other.

[jettison]

When you're stuck in the mire, you usually have no idea what you really have anymore. You can't focus on the mud so much when it's all over your face. Really having an understanding about how much you love this person, and how much you'd miss them if they were gone would require him taking his emotional hands off of you, and the two of you taking distance from each other that's purposeful but not overly threatening. That's a tall order though. Most people can't do it so they just break up.

 

One thing is for sure though. You WILL break up so it's either sooner or later. Until you do, the anxiety and relationship loathing will stick in you like this heavy weight in your chest, and you won't be able to exhale fully until it's gone.

[Mamasita]

When you're stuck in the mire, you usually have no idea what you really have anymore. You can't focus on the mud so much when it's all over your face. .

 

ur so BUDDAH right now... thanks for that.... even the rest, i dont know how to even make myself understand this situation i'm in. what if i'm luckier to have him then i realise and i just dont appreciate him etc? i really dont know