Don't Know what to Do

[Try try again]

It's getting so hard to make it through the day. I finally finished my degree but I don't have any motivation to do anything. I want help but I can't ask for it. I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and one of the characteristics/symptoms is wanting to be saved. So, to overcome that I do my best to not talk to anyone about these feelings now. So now, I'm completely alone with them. I spend most of my days/nights semi or unconscious with the help of an over the counter sedative. It's the only way I can keep myself safe other than cutting to distract myself from it. Even sleep isn't really that pleasant because I have chronic nightmares. How long is a person supposed to live before they're allowed to give up. The irony is that I have a kid sister who also struggles with depression and suicidal thought, and I'm the only person she talks to about it. I'm the one who's always trying to convince her that life is worth living. Meanwhile, inside I feel the exact same way as her. I'm so tired. I hate myself so much. I feel like a hypocrite and a failure. All the while the scars on my wrist remind me of how close I was to getting out. They're indicative of the resolve I had, the courage. I keep reminiscing. Just a few more minutes and it would have been too late. If I hadn't been found or if I it had been a 2 minutes longer, I would be here now.

[justhere]

I am sorry that I can't offer more than knowing you are not alone. I have dealt with some of the same things. No motivation, cutting to feel better, suicidal thoughts. I son;t know what keep me going but I need to keep fighting because deep down I don't want to give up. I don't know why but even when I want to end it all I need to keep fighting.

 

You have shown that you are still trying. Still fighting. Helping your sister. Finished your degree. None of this makes you a hypocrite or failure, keep fighting. I know you can.

[HellFrost666]

Instead of trying to convince your sister that life is worth living while all along feeling the oposite, you should just tell her how you really feel. It could be good for you both. Then she has someone to relate to, and you don't feel so alone, and don't feel so hypocritical.

[Mamasita]

its one of those catch 20 situations hey? u get diagnosed and then u victimise urself even further because of the diagnosis. so how can u help urself get helped when the problem is that u wanna be saved and helped lol.

 

u know what i would do if i were u? CHANGE OF SCENERY... move to vietnam or thailand or something. change ur environment and get away from the rut ur in, u might come back a totally different person and view the world and ur life differently... and take ur sister with u. theres gotta be something out there worth living for and ur not going to find it where u are - maybe its time for an adventure in life, death is too final. mental illness is debilitating, our minds are so strong and so weak at the same time - i think a change in environment would be like a mild shock therapy that can change the wavelengths in a nicer way.

 

what do u think about that?