Why can't I let go of my anger?

[maverick554]

Me and my ex have been broken up for a little over 3 months. The breakup did not devastate me and I've definitley moved on (have a new GF now who is amazing and I am crazy about). I know I am completely over my ex and I under no circumstances want her back in my life, but my problem is that I can't shake this feeling of anger that I have toward her. I frequently find myself thinking about everything I would like to say to her, things I wish I had said during all the times throughout our relationship when she was doing wrong by me or walking all over me and I never stood up for myself, and pretty much everything I hate about her. This feeling of anger in no way affects my feelings or how I act toward my new GF, but I am sick of it, its like this feeling is still allowing my ex to exert some form of control over me even though we haven't spoken since the day we broke up. I really think its temporary and it will pass with time but it is frustrating. Just seeing if anybody else has gone through a similar situation, and how you dealt with it. Any help or advice is apprecaited. Thank you for reading I know its a little long.

[SapphireNoir10]

I get this sometimes about my ex bf, I thinke ventually it just fades the more you move on, and anger does fade, just like hurt does. You just have to tell yourself to stop wasting time thinking about her cos she isnt worth it.

[fishguy]

Hey dude,

I envy you.You are with somebody you're crazy about!

I wouldn't give the ex a second thought,I know it might be hard but her actions indirectly brought this other person into your life.I wish we were all that lucky

[greywolf]

I'm guessing that you're angry because you are still hurt about things that happened with your ex. I've heard people say that anger is a secondary emotion, so if you can figure out the underlying cause, it might help.

[vertigoxo]

Are you sure you're even over your ex?

[IMAbadman]

Are you sure you're even over your ex?

 

Yeah... I'd question that too.

 

It'll pass bud. Be happy for your blessings and focus on them.

[maverick554]

Are you sure you're even over your ex?

 

I understand why you would ask that. And yes I am certain I am over her. If you asked me that question a month or so ago I would definitley have had a different answer. I've reached that point where I've finally taken it into my heart that I am better off without her and accepted what a toxic person she is. I am thinking these feelings are maybe the result of me being dissapointed with myself that I did not stand up for myself when I should have during our relationship when she was doing wrong by me. And now after its over I have to "forever hold my piece" as they say. Thank you for playing devil's advocate, its a process that helps me make sense of things.

[redwineplease]

Anger is about suffering a loss or getting hurt by someone. Many people deal with anger through aggression, addiction, or avoidance. These are distructive ways of dealing with anger because it either hurt yourself or other.

 

The best way to deal with anger is to be assertive. Being assertive means taking action that does not hurt yourself or others.

 

In your case, you might want to do two things:

 

(1) Tell her how you feel because she needs to know, and

(2) Promise yourself that if you ever find yourself in this situation that you will not tolerate it and that you will take assertive action, regardless of how in love you are, to not let someone walk all over you.

 

It's fine to be anger. Anger prompt us to take action. As long as it's contructive action, we will grow from it.

 

Good luck!

[kitchentable]

Here's something to consider. Instead of beating yourself up for being a certain way, accept that at the time you didn't feel a need to assert yourself as much as you wish you could have now. In an alternate reality, if you two ended up getting married because of how you were, would you have questioned your actions? The answer is definitely no. I still get a little angry at my ex for things but I still get angry at my parents for things from 15 years ago.

 

You can be over someone and still have an emotional reaction to them. People on these sites act like indifference is the goal. Indifference is callousness and a defense mechanism. I still care one way or another for every girl I've ever dated. Ones that burned me and ones that I burned. If I saw a girl I burned 10 years ago I would feel guilty and if I saw a girl that burned me I would probably get angry. I don't subscribe to emotional opposites. If emotions were truly that mutually exclusive we would not laugh and cry at the same time. Indifference is not the opposite of love and therefore not a goal to race towards. You can see an ex and feel anger, love, resentment, nostalgia and contempt all at once. Death of a sick relative can bring about anger, relief (if they have been sick for a long time), guilt, sorrow and joy (if you believe they are going to a better place).

 

So your ex makes you angry right now. It will fade more and more. Indifference is not your goal. Feeling honestly about her is. Depending on your life, hers and several other factors, maybe one day you will simply feel grateful for the time you had. Maybe you will always remember her negatively. Who cares? You feel how you feel. No controlling that.

[mr me]

Im not sure exactly how you feel about your anger but i think maybe you might want to try to release it in a healthy or at least not violent to someone else type of way. I guess you need to find out what works best for you but i guess examples are imagining fights, hitting pillows or a punching bag, or just screaming out loud or silently which i dont know if people understand but its just screaming in the sense of gettin it out but not making alot of noise. Anger is usually an emotion that people dont like to deal with but as long as you deal with it in a way that it actually helps to deal with it and control it then it shouldnt be looked at in a negative way.