Spaced Out

[strong1]

Ok gang. I've been lurking for awhile but need your expert advice.

 

Been dating my ex for 18 months. Twice during that time he has 'needed space' due to work stress (last year for three months..this year..we're nearly at the two month mark.)These 'breakdowns' seem to follow emotional talks which HE starts (like when he brings up marriage.)

 

He's very emotional. Talks about feelings, all the time, etc. I am more independent.

 

We got back together the first time last year when I was leaving for a vacation after 3 months of almost no contact and then went to his house to collect my things. He asked who I was going with..I was vague..and before you know it..he was beating my door down to get back together.

 

We've had some contacts during this two month 'time out' (maybe 10-15 times.) He stressed when he needed time off that I should just leave my stuff at his place, was welcome there anytime, we should keep in touch..he didn't see anything fundamentally wrong with our relationship, etc. Seems like now he contacts me..I RSVP..then he 'disappears' for a few weeks. The contacts me again..waits for me to RSVP..then gone again. I went over to his house one time the end of Feb..he invited me..we talked..I tried to remain chipper..but it was tense..he said he'd call for a date that w/e..and never did (that could have been a mixup tho as I may have said I'd check my schedule and get back to him. We had one great dinner on March 7 (I initiated). No relationship talk. He just talked about work stress the whole time and I listened. Ended in his giving me a hug/kiss and saying he'd call. Then. Nothing. He just responded to one IM. He seemed very curious about my upcoming vacation. I didn't give him many details. Said I was going with my gal friends 'and a few others.'

 

Should I just ditch him due to his repeated 'space issues' or what> Seems he loves his work more than me. Weird thing is that he talks about the future and marriage ALL THE TIME. I don't bring it up. Why does he do that and then ditch me? He has a bad marriage a five years ago. He was caring for an ill parent overseas and his cheated on him. They divorced. His friends have said it was very painful to him. He even offered to go see a psychiatrist to figure out why he couldn't commit to me fully. I asked him to go see someone after the first time he ditched me. He agreed. The doc (idiot) said I was 'obviously pressuring him into marriage' I swallowed that comment. But it is NOT true. HE brings it up. Sheesh! I was married once before and have no need to rush into it again unless the guy is planning on being in my life forever.

 

He's very sensitive...could he be taking this 'no contact' as a sign I don't care?Which might be the case right now frankly. My heart is closing down. One moment..he's 'SUPER needy.' Then next..he's gone. And I HATE when he does the 'contact and dodge me' b.s.

[SincerlyHurt]

Your ex has some issues that he is going to need to resolve on his own before he can commit to another person wholeheartedly. His job anxiety is dragging you both down. Have you had a sit down talk with him ever about this issue? It sounds as if he has alot on his mind but even so, he should not be detrimental to the relationship. He kinda sounds like a "ME ME ME" person. I agree that it was very selfish to only talk about the relationship when your friend passed.

 

I can see where a guy that has had his heart ripped out could be more emotional the second time around. I know that I will be more in tune in my next relationship, I don't know about more emotional though, Im scared. Maybe the reason he pulls back so much is that he is not getting the same vibes from you that he is giving out, maybe he sensed some incompatibility because it seemed to him that you were not as adamant about your future together as he was.

 

As for ditching him, hmmm. Depends on how bad you want to try to reconcile. Is it possible that you could get a hold of him and talk through the issues (if he is receptive)? Whatever you do, do not get back into a relationship with him without ironing out these kinks first or the same thing will happen. Be vocal, let him know where you stand.

 

As for the no contact making him think you dont care I dont know. I am doing the no contact thingy too and wonder the same things. Maybe someone with more experience with that rule will chime in.

 

Take care and follow your heart but at the same time use your mind in doing so.

[strong1]

Thanks. You're right. No getting back together this time until he has his 'stuff' together. I did last time..and then he pulled the same crap. Lesson learned! : )

 

He will know the end of April whether or not a HUGE business deal he is working on has panned out. If not, he may have to leave the country anyway and go back to his home country. He does not want to..he loves it here, all his friends are here, etc. So, I guess I should wait it out until then...well..my life will go on..but I can put this on the back burner until then.

 

Don't get me wrong..I was into the relationship...talked about the future...after he would bring it up. I wanted to avoid bringing up marriage tho (as I know guys hate that) that I really avoided the topic.

[February]

Strong 1, your advice has been very helpful to many of us. I posted a pm to you.

 

 

[LostinVan]

Hey Strong1... have you ever considered if he's a candidate for those books another helpful person on this board recommended to me a couple of weeks ago - DivorceBusting and Divorce Remedy?

 

Would he react well to being given the books? Heck, would he react well to having the two of you read it together?

 

Just one thought.

 

Another... he definitely is flighty. He's the dumper, but talks about marriage and kids and such? That one is a head scratcher. I guess the only obvious thing is he is a bit of a lost soul, with no clear idea of what he wants or the direction he needs. Hence the books.

 

Another thing I find hard to understand... well maybe not. His job... life to him. Relationship? Maybe he just thinks its "cool to have". Somehow you gotta get him to switch the priorities.

 

LostinVan

[GeeCee]

Strong1

 

I have read your thread - would like to jump in with some words of wisdom (or not!!!), but am running busy today, so will post later.

 

G xx

[strong1]

One thing that really annoys me is that last year, after we got back together, I said I thought he needed to speak to someone about why he had this 'flight' issues under pressure.

 

He saw a shrink..and the shrink, a guy said 'Oh it is so OBVIOUS she is pressuring you into marriage and you aren't ready.' WHAT?!! Oh, I sooo wish I could have been there to say 'um, excuse me..my boyfriend brings up the future, marriage and kids all the time..NOT ME!' But, my ex got the validation he needed I suppose. I'm sure he never went back. I asked him about it..as him seeing someone was a 'rule' I had about getting back together..and he got very snappish about it.

 

Maybe I just need to sit his little booty down and say 'listen..do you SEE me chasing you now and have I EVER brought up marriage other than in response to you?' But, they say that guys do not respond to words..just actions...so maybe this 'no contact' is the way to go. Altho, when I have just belted out how I felt before..he's come around. So..being strong helps sometimes too. SO CONFUSING.

 

I don't think he's a candidate for either of those books. Any spare time he has during the day is spent reading books about his business.

 

His friends all love me. Was hoping they'd somehow put in a good word for me...but he said he wasn't going to tell any of them about our time off. Ugh. The more I write..the more it seems like he's a selfish little jerk. Maybe time for me to be more selfish too.

 

I was online last night...late....and logged on to IM..which I haven't been on in a week. He was online as 'Idle.' I was 'invisible.' When I went to 'I'm available'..suddenly, he did too. I just left my computer on for awhile.....then shut it off. Maybe I'm reading too much into it..but I think those things might be catching his eye. In the old days...I would have sent him a message.

 

I leave for vacation on Saturday. Am thinking it COULD be a good idea to ask him to watch my cat while I'm gone. It opened up some lines of communication last time. Of course, he'll notice all his pictures are down off the wall and fridge....

[GeeCee]

Oh Strong1

 

I don't know where to start with this one. He's a fragile one, isn't he. He talks marriage, but then gets emotional and you share the brunt of it and he goes into meltdown.

 

Really, I don't know what advice to offer other than to ask him to look after the cat!

 

G xx

[strong1]

Ok..I felt really strong this morning and decided to send him an IM asking him if he would be around tonight. He eventually IMd back..'yes...after 6:30pm.'

 

WHAT DO I DO NOW? I had no gameplan. I think a face to face meeting is best. I could tell him I need my wireless computer card for my trip or something. It's a his place. That gives me an 'in.' Then, I can just stop by (am dressed nicely today..but not overkill) and pick it up. He usually has me stay for a drink. Then just wing it? No relationship talk? Do I pick up the rest of my stuff in addition to my wireless card..or just not mention it and leave it there.

 

Not sure how to go about this. If I say I might stop by..and tell him what I need..he might just say..'Oh, I'll leave it outside the door or something.'

 

HELP. Have been thinking..maybe when I said I was going to date other guys that was too hurtful for him. After his wife abandoned him..he could be touchy.

[GeeCee]

Strong1 - you can't win for trying - you know that.

 

Why don't you wing your way round to his. Keep it casual - do not mention your other stuff at his place - who knows in the future you may need that as a get-in!!

 

Talk about your holiday - if he mentions you seeing anyone else - how about yeah but only casually.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[strong1]

Hmm. Might be a moot point. He logged off IM now..I kept him waiting too long! Hey, that might be positive as well.

 

Makin' him think!

[February]

Strong1,

I tried to send yoiu a pm but I am having internet issues right now, so check later. But for now...

If you are feelign strong, I would ask for the cord you need for your trip (btw going anywhere fabulous?) and then if he invites you in, tell him actually you have to run. This plan will also work for you if he says he will leave it outside, I would then say that works out perfect b/c you are in a bit of a hurry. I think b/c his singles are mixed, you should send him ixed right now too.

If I were you I would back off for awhile after you meet up tongiht and see what happens-like 2 weeks? You have your vaca and all. Let him stew w/o you a bit. You have always been very supportive and heard all his news, now back off for a bit and see. Whatcha think?

 

As with me, oh Strong1 life is so funny, my ex emailed me this morning. Not sure if it was b/c I recalled the message or not, but regardless he replied to my reply to him and was nice and breezy. I am going to wait until Friday now to respond and say I have been swamped too. I know if I wait longer than that he will think I am mad at him. Then I will wait and see if he responds next week. If not I will email him the following adn try to get an email correspondence back for now. Then we shall see...who knows. But with this man and I think yours, we can;t ignore them when they contact us, they are too fragile for that. They need some ego rubbing. But at the same time we shold no longer be push overs or be so available. I am certain both you and I will be posting success stories one day (or they will be writing on here how they lost us and now want us back ha ha).

[strong1]

ARGHHH. WHY can't I get these quotes right? : )

Strong1,

If you are feelign strong, I would ask for the cord you need for your trip (btw going anywhere fabulous?) and then if he invites you in, tell him actually you have to run. This plan will also work for you if he says he will leave it outside, I would then say that works out perfect b/c you are in a bit of a hurry. I think b/c his singles are mixed, you should send him ixed right now too.

 

Oh my GOD...you are BRILLIANT RE: if he wants to leave the computer wireless card outside his door. Absolutely fabulous idea. And the 'mixed signals' right back is fab too.

 

I got your PM..four times. Site must be messed up. I tried to send you one back and got four error messages. Hmm. It probably just went straight into your ex's in box. HA HA.

 

Ooo..your ideas just gave me some extra zip. Puts me in a better frame of mind that he might actually be wondering what's up too. Hmmmmm.

 

Oh, I'm going to a spa in Cancun by the way! Should be great. I haven't been on a vacation in ages. WAS supposed to go on one w/ex in the beginning of Feb..before he had his 'meltdown.'

[strong1]

I emailed him about picking up my wireless card.

 

Me: Hey! (smiley face waving icon) I need to pick up my wireless card for a work project. Can I stop by for a sec to pick it up? I have to drop my niece's bday gift off..and I'll be out that way.

 

My EX: Sure .. if I am not here simply come in...

 

Me: Thx. Signing off.

 

ok....should I take this as a good sign? I know he's home..it's 5pm..he said earlier he wouldn't be home until after 6:30ish. wonder if he's purposely going to be gone...

 

OK. I'VE GOT TO STOP TAKING THINGS THE WRONG WAY. A) he responded almost right away B) he said I could go in the house if I wanted to (so he has nothing to hide from me) c) he could still be around.

 

OK. Deep breath. Heading over there..I'll make him wait awhile tho.

[GeeCee]

Strong1

 

It sure is a day for contact with the exes!! Just seen mine too!!

 

Do not fall over, do not have a heart attack and do not tell him you love him. The rest is a piece of cake!!

 

G xx

 

P.S. Ok, it's a small piece of cake - but a piece nonetheless!!

[February]

Well Strong, What the f' happened? Was he there? I am dying to know. I bet he was wasn't he? Ha ha, did you tell him how excited you are for your vacation (btw w/o him). If he wasn't there, I would not take it as a bad sign though either. But if I know your ex right, he was. So....we are all ears. (I hope I am not wrong...)

 

If he was not there, no worries, means nothing. He might be in his avoiding stage right now which means even more how great this vaca is for you.

[strong1]

Hi FEB!

 

YOU WERE RIGHT? He said he'd be back around '6:30ish'..and then he seemed to backtrack saying 'if I'm not home..just go in and get it' type of thing.' Soooo. I took my own sweet time..and got over there about 7:15. Rang the doorbell..no answer. Heart sank..Then I saw that he was grabbing a towel as he came to the door (he'd just been for a run.)

 

He greeted me quite cheerfully and said (to his cat) 'Look who's here!' It was like nothing bad had ever happened. Odd?! (He did the very same thing when he 'snapped' last year.) Good signs:

 

* He has a guy friend staying w/him during our local transit strike. This guy was gone last night...even tho I know they'd just both gotten back from a run..and he usually sticks around for dinner. This house guest is good buddies w/me..so my ex may have asked him to leave to give us some alone time.

 

* MY pic is still up (our pic) in the kitchen in full view. That's the first thing I checked..which gave me confidence to continue w/a smile on my face. Apparently he didn't shove his pic of us down the paper shredder like I did. : )

 

* My computer wireless card was out on the table as I asked. I made a move about two minutes into my visit to grab it and go...saying 'Well I...' and he kept thinking of more and more stories to tell me. Then I'd say 'Ok...well, you better go shower before you catch pneumonia'...and he'd bring up something else to say. Repeatedly.

 

* I got a full tour of his home (he's not very handy but had installed new light fixtures) and I gave him TONS of genuine praise. Asked him how he'd done it as I'm really handy and, as I told him "I couldn't have done that w/out shocking myself to death." He likes getting praised (don't we all) so he was beaming. Then he showed me estimates for some repairs he's getting done. And I said 'Wow, you've done a lot of research on this..looks like you've made some good decisions." And he asked my opinions on some of the rehabs.

 

* I tried to leave again..and he had to show me a new earpiece for his phone..took it out of box..showed me how it works. I said...'How do you know so much stuff about this? I work with technology and I haven't even heard of this update." He beamed.

 

* Then he was asking me about my trip....when was I leaving..when did I get back..he told me about his upcoming business trip..and his last one (which explains why he was online but didn't answer him IM last week.) Also told me his cell phone wasn't working (I thought he was fibbing before) but then told me that he was 'definitely getting a new one that would work soon.'

 

* I was slipped it into the conversation that I'm doing Pilates now..he's a runner and very into fitness. I used to run..but not as much anymore. He seemed impressed and asked about it.

 

* An hour later..I said 'Well, I've got to go.' And he asked where I 'was going now'..and I said 'to drop off a bday gift for my niece..and get some other stuff done.' And he asked again when I would be back from my trip.

 

...Then a hug and kiss at the door (I made the move this time as he had the last time I visited.)

 

...So it went pretty well. Maybe he really was just stressed when he blew before? We did no relationship talk. Or talk about seeing eachother again. But all it all..it went well. I'll continue to take it slow. It's good I'm going on this trip. Time to think everything over. Of course..he could just have been being nice to me...and not really intended it to mean anything. But I'm going to take it as a positive sign. Nice to NOT have that tight feeling in my chest for a few hours. Slept like a baby last night. If nothing else..THAT makes me feel better.

[February]

Strong1,

That is amazing!!! Fabulous!! Yup, Strong1 it is going to take a bit longer but things are going so well. Good you tried to leave. Perfect. And how funny is that, that he kepttrying to get you to stay longer. Now when you get back from your trip if he doesn;t call you/email, call him. I think getting together over drinks to show him pics etc. would be great. But let's figure out how to do that when you get back. Strong 1 have a fantastic trip and while you're away think a little about what you want. If this man continues like this freaks out/ wants you back for another couple months-a year. Are you willing to put up with it? You need to get him to trust you whole heartedly and he will be yours, but that is going to take a bit of time. Think about if this is waht you really want. If it is, I think we can most certainly help you get what you want. HIM.

 

Yeah Strong 1 what a good day!!!

 

I hope to have some stories too when you get back...

[strong1]

Thanks Feb. No, I couldn't stand if he kept doing this. Emotionally, my brain would be fried. He just needs one of his business deals would go through..it would give him the confidence he needs to get back on track. Then it would have the 'butterfly' effect and get ME back on track, etc. (Altho..I'm getting 'back on track' on my own.) Actually, tho, if I could just detach myself from panicking when he freaks out..this would go much better. Why it's so hard for me to do that..I do not know. Gotta get my ol' security armor back on.

 

What's new w/you? I'm going to go check to see if you've posted anything.

[LostinVan]

Well Strong1, I think this is just a FANTASTIC post, and a FANTASTIC way to get you in a good solid frame of mind before you leave on your trip! I don't think your visit could have gone any better. He's wanting more, you're leaving, he's going to be panting by the time you come back... maybe, but hopefully!

 

Hey, before you go away, I hope you can pop by my thread (now off the main page because of all the new posts) and give me some in depth analysis of all the stuff I've written in the last day or two. I'm starved for some feedback.

 

Chat soon...

 

LostinVan

[tiff8434]

He is scared of what he wants. Either that or the alternative he dosent really want to be with you but the thought of you being with someone else drives him crazy. I have always seen it to be true guys like a challange and they want what they cant have. He knows by continuing to play games with you that he will be on your mind. It would be hard but I would cut him out completley for a while and then see how it goes. Make him sweat a little more until he is ready to grow up. Good luck to you.

[February]

Lostinvan, I will check you latest too, I need to get caught up on your postings first...

 

Strong1 as for me, well the latest is-he emailed me on Tuesday, replying to my reply to him from last week. He replied after I tried to recall it. So...who knows if it was that or b/c he just thought I haven;t emailed her back yet. He too like your ex is consumed in the problems in his life-spaced out to say the least. he has ex issues too. I know I was his favorite gf and favorite closest person to him but he couldn't deal witha relationship right now, plus he wants to feel like he has been on his own first before he gets into another long-term thing. Anyway, he said he wanted to be friends, but has made very little effort. Broken up almost 5 weeks now. Does he miss me? I am sure. Does he want me back? Doubt he even knows. So, I am gong to email him back tmrw, breezy and nice. See if he emails me back next week. If he doesn't, I will wait the week and email him again the week after. Trying to get contact back slowly. If after that he doesn't respond may wait like a month before trying contact again. (BTW we were friends first too)

 

Beec and Strong1, et al, I have a question for you if you are reading this...is my tactic right? Slowly get back into contact? Do ya think my case is a lost cause? I know this man might take a LONG time to be ready for soemthing again-he has alot of issues. But fromyour expereince do you think when he is he will look to the girl he adored EVERYTHING about to the point it freaked him out, or when the time is right go for whomever is there since he has done that before too?

 

Thx, sorry Strong 1 to post in your post...

[strong1]

He is scared of what he wants. Either that or the alternative he doesn't really want to be with you but the thought of you being with someone else drives him crazy. I have always seen it to be true guys like a challange and they want what they cant have. He knows by continuing to play games with you that he will be on your mind. It would be hard but I would cut him out completley for a while and then see how it goes. Make him sweat a little more until he is ready to grow up. Good luck to you.

 

I completely agree w/you that he doesn't know what he wants OR he does but is scares him due to his horrible past marriage. As he does the little 'contact' thing JUST when it looks like I'm gone completely. Just to see if I'm still 'nab-able' probably. I also posted some info in Sincerelyhurts area about 'Men Are From Mars' issues. Always seems when we get close...marriage talk on his part...he then freaks out. It's a pattern some guys have apparently....referred to as 'rubberbanding.'

[strong1]

Back from my 'fun in the sun' Mexican vacation with two girlfriends. We had SUCH a blast. Only challenge was the happy couples walking on the beach (heartbreaking to watch under the circumstances) and when the waiters kept asking us 'why are you three here alone!' One my my girlfriends..she's very sassy...said 'Does it LOOK like we are alone..we have eachother!!!' Waiter didn't really get it tho.

 

Spent a LOT of time thinking..was hoping for some flash of insight that would solve all my problems..got nothing (except for a stomach ache thinking about it.) But, am relaxed..still just missing him so much. My main support person here has gone skiing for a week..so I'll be dealing w/my fretting all alone (except for you guys.)

 

Not sure what next step should be. Contaced my ex the week of March 22 to get my wireless card back. Stayed at his place about an hour...had fun chatting then left while he still seemed to feel like talking. He knows when I was leaving and when I am getting back. Do I try to make contact again? Ask him over for dinner..keep doing nice things but then backing off. Do I wait longer? I'm sick of this thing getting dragged out. Maybe all it would take (as it did last time he did this) was just reconnecting after he had his 'space.' Last time he was gone three months due to work stress. This time..it's been 2+ months.

 

Ugh. Sundays are sooo hard.

[healing]

I think that this man has serious issues that he needs to deal with before he is truly ready for a healthy relationship.

It seems that you are NOT getting what you need.

It seems like you are doing ALL of the work here.

It seems as though you are hurting because of his ambivalence.

 

How much longer are you willing to be on this rollercoaster ride?

 

I don't think you are going to have your needs met by this man. I don't think he can give you what you want.

 

It's up to you. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you presently want and need. Can he give you this? Is he willing to do any of the work? How is this relationship affecting your health? How is it affecting your self-esteem?

 

There is nothing you can say or do to change him.