BF has a fetish. I'm becoming upset.

[Trinny]

I just... Wanted some advice, any would be appreciated.

 

I've been with my partner for a while now, and in any relationship, we've had our ups and downs.

At the start of our relationship I knew he had a fetish: Tights, stockings, suspender belts, tiny tiny skirts and fantasies.

I was also very shy about my body. I'm a recovering anorexic and while I have gotten better, I'm still very paranoid about my body. He knew this also.

 

At the start of our relationship I would hide my body, and he would reassure me he likes it. But he would want me to wear tights or stockings. I did this because I knew he liked it. And it was also a way for me to hide myself.

I also told him I enjoyed being hurt, as in bondage. We tried it but he broke down and said he couldn't hurt someone he loved physically. I accepted that and didn't ask for it again.

 

A few months passed and I got more confident with my body. And because of this, I wanted to be naked more often, including sex. And I thought that would make him happy, to know that I was becoming more confident around him with being naked.

But I seem to have fallen again. His obsession with tights, me dressing up just always upsets me now. He can't climax if I'm naked and I just feel like a failure. I feel as if he doesn't like my naked body and he's saying he does to try and help me feel better. But his body reactions are telling me something else.

 

He was coming to visit me last week, and I did explain to him that it upsets me sometimes. So he reassured me, and said wonderful words about my body that made me smile, and I was so thankful for that. He also said that he won't request any clothing, tights etc. On the day he visited me, the FIRST day, it was like that totally went out the window and I became upset when he asked if I could wear something for him so he could " * * * * me in it."

 

He just doesn't touch my legs unless I'm wearing tights or stockings. He doesn't look at me when I'm naked unless I'm wearing a skirt, tights or stockings.

He rarely tells me I look beautiful if I wear jeans and a top with no tights.

 

I've given up my little 'thing' for being hurt physically, and I've tried to please him by doing these things. But it's started to make me doubt myself, my body and it's really, really upsetting me to the degree where I don't want to have sex with him.

It's gotten to the point where if we go into a fantasy, or I wear something for him, I am literally turning my emotions off so I can deal with it. And I know that's pretty bad.

 

Is there something wrong with me, am I being too sensative?

Or is he being too selfish and asking for too much?

 

I'm really lost on this one. I don't know whether to tell him that I think he's being selfish, that it hurts me a lot even though it didn't really bother me before. I just don't know... Any advice?

[Daria_Lane]

Are you his first? If not, was he this way with other women? If so then at least you'd know it's NOT about you.

[Trinny]

He had a partner before me, yes.

Apparently she wore tights for him, and skirts. But not stockings, suspender belts and such. But not very often.

[Daria_Lane]

It sounds like you both have "issues" to me.

 

Short skirts/tights whatever is not a fetish in my opinion, the vast majority of guys like that kind of thing. Many women look sexier while wearing clothing as opposed to being totally naked.

 

Um expecting her to wear it EVERY TIME they have sex suggests that it is INDEED a fetish for him.

 

what are her "issues"?

[DN]

I think a preference is one thing - a need is another. And it seems he has a need for you to wear these things and that is the important thing.

 

I think this isn't about you or your body per se - it's about him and the way his brain works.

[Trinny]

I think a preference is one thing - a need is another. And it seems he has a need for you to wear these things and that is the important thing.

 

I think this isn't about you or your body per se - it's about him and the way his brain works.

 

So from this, do you feel that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill and that I should just accept this every time and with his help, learn to enjoy it?

[DN]

So from this, do you feel that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill and that I should just accept this every time and with his help, learn to enjoy it?

Well, I think the problem is that he has difficulty completing sex any other way because of the way his brain is wired. Perhaps try alternating - one time do it exactly as he wants and the next with less items you wear to see how far you can go before he can't perform.

 

Try not to make it about "I gave up my thing for him and he should do what I want" because you can perform without mild BDSM whereas he can't without you dressing as he needs you to. I would also try to ease into the BDSM thing too - see if he can try very mild stuff and progress closer to where you would like him to go.

 

No one should be blaming anyone here - it's not a question of fault. But some understanding an attempts at compromise may do the trick - so to speak.

[Daria_Lane]

Well, I think the problem is that he has difficulty completing sex any other way because of the way his brain is wired. Perhaps try alternating - one time do it exactly as he wants and the next with less items you wear to see how far you can go before he can't perform.

 

Good idea.

[Sparchitecht]

You definitely need to accept that it's not you or your body that's the issue. Whether you should learn to accept and enjoy doing this for him is something that only you can decide. There is no external right or wrong as long as you're comfortable and at peace.

 

If you have trouble beating the feeling that your body is in any way part of the problem here, I'm going to also interject the question of whether or not you're on medication for any mood disorder or if you've been diagnosed with any mood or psychiatric disorder aside from Anorexia Nervosa.

 

My reasoning is that many of the times when an eating disorder shows up in a person, especially at the teen stage in their life, it comes with other psychiatric symptoms in junction. In your case, going only on inference from what you've posted, I'd be keeping a keen eye out for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and anxiety (the two self-irritate each other and serve to exponentiate the problem's severity as a whole). On the right meds and/or with Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy these become minor facets in the whole of your day-to-day life. However, failing to catch these kinds of things often lets them take root like a snowball rolling down a hill. What worries me most is that people living in remission of an eating disorder are not in a very safe place to try to struggle with an undiagnosed/untreated cognitive illness, as it's just one more way to open a metastatic door for an old monster to come back out of the closet.

 

Sorry if I'm getting you all worked up; guess I'd just rather you have the information so you can decide on where and how to best use [or dispose] of it.

[Roscoe]

His fetish is out of control and is ruining your happiness and ultimately yours to. I'm sorry he is like this but don't you think you need to seriously think is he the one for you?

[ilovehim2009]

It's kind of odd that he cannot orgasm at all if she's not wearing tights/skirts etc. Can someone's fetishes truly be THAT intense?

[DN]

It's kind of odd that he cannot orgasm at all if she's not wearing tights/skirts etc. Can someone's fetishes truly be THAT intense?

Apparently they are for him. I can't see why he would lie about it but he may be able to be 'weaned' towards something else to get gim aroused.

[hexaemeron]

Quid Pro Quo.

 

It's not fair to be a slave to his fetish when he won't even entertain yours. You want stockings, dude? Then put up or shut up, and he better give you your time as well.

[DN]

Quid Pro Quo.

 

It's not fair to be a slave to his fetish when he won't even entertain yours. You want stockings, dude? Then put up or shut up, and he better give you your time as well.

Quids Pro Quo don't usually work in sexual relationships where one person has some sort of hangup or aversion to something. It's no use demanding someone do something they can't or really dislike especially by wit holding something they like or need. Compromising is desirable but only if possible.

[hexaemeron]

Quids Pro Quo don't usually work in sexual relationships where one person has some sort of hangup or aversion to something. It's no use demanding someone do something they can't or really dislike especially by wit holding something they like or need. Compromising is desirable but only if possible.

 

I understand what you're saying, but to me, that IS compromise. She has said that she does not always want to wear the stockings, but basically has little choice if she wants to have sex completely with her husband. Now, she is compromising her own desires for him. Why should he not be held accountable to do at least that much himself?

[DN]

I understand what you're saying, but to me, that IS compromise. She has said that she does not always want to wear the stockings, but basically has little choice if she wants to have sex completely with her husband. Now, she is compromising her own desires for him. Why should he not be held accountable to do at least that much himself?

He should.

If he can.

 

But I get troubled when I hear words like 'held accountable' used in this context because that makes a man who obviously has difficulties responsible for having them as if he has does something wrong. Certainly he should be encouraged to try but not by holding some sort of threat or undue pressure on him because that will be counter-productive. If he is to be helped to overcome them he needs understanding and encouragement not threats and withholding.

[leftwonderin]

OK, first of all- you're an extremely understanding person. I understand that this is a fetish, but I wouldn't be comfortable with always adhering to the fantasy, and I don't think you should be either. It's normal to want sex on your own terms sometimes. So, you need to inform the bf that if he wants someone who is always willing to gratify him, he'd better look elsewhere -not that there is anyone- or, learn to compromise. Sounds like the relationship is a bit one-sided, at least when it comes to love-making. I can't imagine having an orgasm in a situation like that. Be assertive. And if he can't handle that, then at least your pride is intact.

[Sparchitecht]

To most of my understanding, the realm of 'fetish' in the human mind is also very highly subject to desensitization. Fetish appeal derives its lure from stepping into places considered 'dark and taboo' by the mind of the patient. Hence, constant exposure to the 'fetish acts' results in diminished appeal to the patient.

 

That bore in mind I see systematic need for concern, as with constant use of this fetish for sexual climax I can only assume that desensitization to the fetish will also mean diminished capacity to achieve orgasm for your bf. Ask any male in this world, there are few who won't equate that to one of the most horrifying frustrations of all.

[northwoods]

I agree with the above posters ... sounds like his obsession is a little too extreme.

 

While I couldn't physically "hurt" the person I was with either, it sounds to me like you shouldn't be the only person giving something to this sexual relationship. Either he meets you somewhere in the middle with your fetish or you can stop giving in to his.

 

Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone that made me feel like you say you feel. Its emotionally abusing. I sure wouldn't want that hanging over my head.