Is it healthy to feel anger at your ex?

[pip]

Do you think being angry at the ex who dumped you is a good sign that you're healing?

 

I've been swinging between feeling angry at my ex one day, and then sad and depressed and loving him the next. But in the past few days I've felt more angry than depressed. I keep thinking about what a $%&!@ he's been since the break-up, and how he too did some things badly when we were together.

 

I find myself wishing bad things upon him - nothing too evil; just that I hope *he* gets hurt one day the way he's hurt me.

 

Do you think it's a sign I'm getting over him? Being angry certainly feels better than being depressed, at any rate!

[elusivejc]

I really hope it does cause that's exactly where I'm at. Though I've a plethora of self diagnosed issues that cloud my judgement, there's definitely a lot to be angry about and also a lot to miss. I could see a pic of my ex one day and see the devil's horns poking out while I feel like punching something, and the next grimmace and hold back tears of remorse and sadness and wishing it was like the old days.

 

I have a feeling, after three months of completely off the scale emotions, that neither hate or reflection are helping, and that the holy grail will be the day I stop thinking anything, good or bad, about her. I thought I was over her a few weeks ago, but I've traversed another circle it seems.

 

Hope that helps you,

 

TEJC

[buffalosoldier]

I think it is partly a good sign and partly not so good.

 

The fact that you are angry at him shows that there is obviously still alot of feeling there,which is only natural seeing you cant just switch your feelings on and off.(be good if you could eh).

 

But i agree that perhaps the feeling of anger is better than the feeling of sadness,which is what alot of people feel for a rather long time.There are many stages of emotions that you go through when a break-up occurs,but rest assured anger probably wont be the only one.I think when you no longer feel angry at him,this is when you will know for definate that you are healing and getting over him.

 

Just take one day at a time and try not to let this anger fool you.It is good that you are not pining after him,but i would just be careful because anger can be a very destrcutive feeling,and if it carries on long enough it will eat you up inside.

 

Hope i helped.

[pip]

TEJC, I totally identify with you. Sometimes I think I over-analyse things way too much, and I can't wait until I get to the stage when I just *don't* think about my ex at all.

 

But I do feel that this anger is at least one small step to moving away from feelings of sadness. As long as I don't get stuck in anger I'll be okay (I hope!).

[Hopingpraying]

I would say it is a good sign that you are healing, but you need to be careful you don't get stuck in hating him. You need to feel the pain, deal with it, and forgive him. We all make mistakes.

 

This has been a very hard thing for me to do, but I believe I honestly have forgiven my wife for what she has done, and for what she is going to do.

I can't control her actions, but I can control mine. I am going to be the better person.

 

I've read a few books and they all say to be completely healed you need to forgive your EX... Easier said than done, but you can do it!!

[Tolly]

Well its been a year for me! I still feel bitter and angry at my ex and Im seeing someone else now as well! Like you it varies freom anger to sadness.

Its easier now than it was and can only hope that it continues to get better. I still see her about town, and the guy she left me for. I just try to ignore her and pretend shes dead.

[Hopingpraying]

Tolly,

 

But if you are still feeling this anger towards your ex, then from what I have read, you are not able to truley open your heart to this new relationship you are in.

 

You need to find a way to get closure from your previous relationship so you can be better in your new relationship.

[lisaria]

Hey Pip and everyone

I think that eventually you will get past the anger. I am also angry one day and sad the next. I feel the strongest when I'm angry though, so I'd rather feel that than the hole of depression I'm usually in lately. I think it's just one more emotion on this roller coaster our exes put us on and we have to eventually get rid of it. It's hard. The whole splitting up process is a nightmare and I hope that one day we will all wake up to a beautiful new day.

L

[jnk260]

I can sympathise because I'm about six months further done the road than you are. I was furious at my ex shortly after we broke up and it was at the point where mutual friends had to restrain me from taking out my anger on him. The next moment I would be crying and loving him desperately. I can't remember when things changed, but I know that it was gradual and I know that I still have relapses know. The hurt was very deep and his attitude towards me was out of order. It got to the point where his friend punched him on my behalf. Got to admit that was good. But just bear with it, ride out the emotions and try to talk through the feelings with someone. I found people who I wasn't that close to and that weren't that close to him were best, simply because they had perspective, which was what I needed to find. Time will provide you with that. I realise now that chances were that it wouldn't have worked. If you can't find anyone to talk to, this forum is a great place to get objective advice and just let loose with your anger. As cliched as it is, time is a great healer, and you will move on eventually. And he does care, he just can't express it and probably isn't even aware of it. Some guys (my ex included) really cannot cope with emotion. Best of luck. It will pass and is completely normal, although you will feel that it is not. I'm further down the line, but i worked through it and feel better for it. We're all here if you need advice.

[silverbell]

its 8 month since I split up with my gal, we only went out for 3 but I still get so angryl. It cycles between grief, anger and sometimes tender emotion for her. I'm glad to see other people with the same symptoms as me!! It meakes me feel a lot more normal. I do feel time makes it a bit easier, and I'm slowly moving on.

[elusivejc]

Phew well I'm relieved that this viscious cycle seems pretty common - not that I'd wish it on anyone - but helps to feel a little bit more normal. For the most part I feel like I am alien with human adopting parents with the feelings I get. pip I'm right there with the overanalysing thing, I do it with everything though, is that the same with you?

 

But I can't really figure out how you're supposed to forgive someone who spent 3 months telling you they love you while secretly hoping and ensuring the relationship rots of its own accord so that they can get rid of you remorselessly. Basically she told me afterwards (yea, thanks!) that she felt ostracised by her friends for her mere association with me and started liking some older guy. It seems so brutal and I can't see what there is to forgive and how. I just don't get how.

 

TEJC

ps yeah I'd actually probably wish the cycle on my ex!!

[kungfumaster]

Hi guys -

 

I totally agree with jkn260!! Yah - it is COMPLETELY normal to have feelings of anger - if you don't actually, you might be at a risk of having severe depression. Alot of people (well, not all but a fair amount) who are depressed cannot constructively express their feelings of anger, so bottle it up, and so get more depressed. It is better to let it out! What helps me get my feelings of anger:

 

1) running for 30 minutes

2) doing weights (and grunting)

3) there is a punching bag at my gym - oh, that has been quite a life savor at times

4) screaming in my car with the volume on full blast

5) cleaning up my apartment

6) humor

7) saying hi yaaaah!

8) beaatching to my friends and family (oh, that's what good friends and family are for - but you have to distribute your beaatching equally to everyone of your friends and family members, because if you lay too much on one of them, they will get tired of you and start avoiding you )

 

I'm sure you guys can add to this list, but those are just some of the ways I "burn my anger to ashes" so I can start anew! (cheesy - sorry )

 

Anyways, have a good night everyone - and thanks for sharing again!

 

Hi yaaaah!

[fantasia2004]

I would have to agree.

 

I get angry and maybe it makes me stronger but holding on can cripple my progress of healing and moving along.

 

 

But you are human enough to experience these emotions and everybody is different in handling things emotionally.

 

Good luck everyone!