I want to die. PLEASE HELP ME!

[Haywire]

Hi, I am male and 25 years old. I have had major depression form the age of 12. I have been on anti-depressants and seeing a psychiatrist from the age of 20. Right now I wish I were dead. Its not that I just need a higher dose of anti-depressants and everything will be fine its life itself. I wish everyone in the world happiness and to be free of any troubles. If someone thinks life is great that's good I don't want to pull them down.

 

For me I hate life and all its systems. You're born without a choice, forced to live and then sometime you will die. I have layed on my bed and prayed. I don't know which religion is true so I prayed simply saying, "God please help me, I would like to know the truth and how I should live my life, I feel like dying please help me". Unfortunately I have had no answers. I thought if there is a god nothing would be impossible for the god and that the god could help me. If someone asked you for help and you knew that they were feeling like me wouldn't you help them?

 

As soon as I know I am awake in the morning I get a gut wrenching feeling. The only time when I'm happy is when I'm asleep. I could be given millions of dollars and

women etc but I wouldn't feel any different. It drives me crazy to think that people around the world get killed by accident, why can't I be one of them? I feel like I am going insane most of the time. Why is one person given all the blessings in life while the other has to struggle through? Life is very unfair it makes me feel depressed. Even if I'm not experiencing the unfairness but someone else is I feel depressed. To me it's all much easier if your not alive.

 

I think about suicide all the time and it seems to be the only answer but if I go ahead with it I'll hurt those close to me. At the end of the day you're trapped. Should I just keep suffering everyday so that I wont hurt those close to me? What do you do when you can't get out of bed to goto work because you're hurting so bad? Just say I die everyone will be upset but eventually life will go on. If I didn't have family and a girlfriend I would of done it by now. I'm just living for them. I have absolutely no interest in anything.

 

I'm afraid that all this stuff I think and feel will never change and you will just have to deal with it until you die, that would be hell for me. Why is it so hard to know what you are here for on earth and what you should do. Is it just a case of there is nothing out there and you just do what you want?

 

I'm making this entry in the forum because I am hurting badly. Please if there is anyone that can help me please do. Any help is much appreciated!

[avman]

Hello haywire and welcome to eNotalone,

 

I've read your post over several times to try and find inspiration to give you an answer. And the one thing that comes to me is faith. It seems you've tried everything else. And that you have a wonderful support group in your girlfriend and your family. But you are seeking the purpose and direction that your life is heading.

 

Do you have a specific faith? Whatever your answer, I'd suggest you get in touch with your local house of worship and talk seriously to the elders at that place. God will help you with your purpose in life IF you come to him and IF you are willing to listen. Its not as easy as it sounds. This is how I got my depression under control, was strengthening my faith. And I also found a purpose in my life - thats one of the things that led me to eNotalone. I find that helping other people is immensely rewarding to me personally. It gives my life meaning. And this is something that you seem to be seeking in your life too.

 

I will pray for you tonight. That you find some peace, and that God opens your heart and shows you the direction to take. You are right, if this never changed and you were always in pain - why would you want to live? But if you can find a direction and purpose, I think that will do wonders for your outlook on life.

 

I hope this helps.

 

avman

[Frodo Baggins]

As avman said, faith can be a very potent part of life; it provides structure and a way for people to put perspective into their lives. He's right in asking if you've tried one particular faith. It's not so easy as simply asking for help, it takes interaction with the religious community and talking with the pastors and elders of the community; they have answers and perspectives that can help you. It's not a quick fix, and it won't be an easy solution; you have many years of depression to work through, but you indeed have value, and there are people that care for you. You have much to live for, faith can help you see that, and can hopefully give you the answers you need.

[The Morrigan]

Hi - I don't kjnow if this will make sense to you or not, but while you mention seeing a psych and being on medication, it seems something important has been left hanging on you, something you may not have really considered.

 

Medication helps - if you have someone, a counselor or religious counselor, to help you discover some coping skills the meds will help you be able to take advantage of. If those aren't in place though - it can really leave you floundering with no direction and no idea how to find it.

 

Especially if you've been dealing with this for this many years on your own, it seems you could really benefit from someone talking to you one on one and giving you a bit more insight to some options and directions you might want to take that might simply not be visible to you right now. Whether you'd feel more at ease with a religious counselor or a therapist - it's definitely worth a shot. Medication alone can only do so much, can only ease the chemical imbalance that make it impossible to use any sort of reason or faith to your benefit. It still leaves FINDING that reason and faith out there in the wind - and there's no shame in asking for a little help to get yourself set on the road to be able to really see what possibilities are there, and what might work for you individually.

 

Don't give up on yourself yet - you have people who do care about you and will be more than willing to support your efforts. No, it won't be an easy or short road, but you never know when your own struggles and experiences might serve to help someone else as well, and give you a purpose and reason for going through this.

[Haywire]

Hi, avman

 

Thanks for your words. I have no faith in anything, I am open to ideas. I would simply love to know the TRUTH about life. Is there a god or not etc etc. Currently I live only for my family and gf because I cant hurt them but right now my pain is getting that bad I want to die even if it hurts them. I would be so sorry but if they felt what I felt maybe they would understand.

 

Regards

[Haywire]

Thankyou ALL for your words.

 

I have asked with an open heart for the truth about life and said that I want to do what is right in life. I have had no help. I dont know what seeing different peoples is going to do.

 

Regards

[avman]

Faith isn't that simple. Its the belief in something not seen. I cannot PROVE to you there is a God. You either believe it, or you don't. For any point I would make, there is an equal counter point. I believe because thats what I feel in my heart and in my soul. And I have witnessed firsthand the goodness that comes from God.

 

Regardless of the current state of your faith, I still encourage you to go to your nearest church. The denomination does not matter. Talk to the elders there and tell them how you feel. Tell them you are lost. Tell them you doubt everything and question even the existence of God. And they will talk to you about things. They will work with you to discover either faith you already had, or newfound faith that you find in your heart. I can sense that you are broken in spirit right now. But God will come to those who are broken in spirit. He loves you always and does not want to see his children in pain. Go to him now and ask for help. Listen to the church elders and counselors and let them guide you.

 

Please keep us up to date. We're all here to help you too.

 

avman

[Mar]

Not to sound corny, but I discovered that God DOES work in mysterious ways. I had NO life. I literally sat on train tracks at the apartment I lived in (right accross from the train station) and wondered what it would feel like to be hit by a train and just END the freakin' misery already.

 

Know what? There was some force at work that made me say, "Oh, the hell with this, there's GOT to be something more out there for me!" and get up and walk away from an 11th-hour suicide.

 

And since then, I pray. It sounds corny, it sounds lame to some, whatever, I don't care. I PRAY. I pray to God whenever I'm feeling a little lost or desperate and he ALWAYS comes through for me. I went from being an agnostic/almost Atheist to a true believer in God. And no, I'm not preaching, but Avman has a point. Some folks don't believe in God; fine. That's their choice. But the answers people get aren't as obvious as that proverbial slap in the face; it takes some intelligence to decipher that you're being singled out for your particular hardships.

 

And no, prayer doesn't always work. I'm not a hardcore religious freak by any means, but things have just always gone alright for me when I've thrown up my hands and said, "Alright God, I give up........I need guidance, I need strength, I need wisdom, and I don't have 'em right now. Help a sister out, will you?" And he DOES.

 

Might not work for you. But think of it this way: asking someone, ANYONE, to help you out is a farther step than you've taken so far. Even if it's just us here on the board. We're pretty damn smart collectively, and a lot of us have been in your shoes. Life goes ON. It always does. And yeah, sometimes it sucks. But you'll never realize the really wonderful parts from the sucky parts till you give it all a chance. You have a girlfriend that loves you and a family that loves you-right there, you're 2 steps ahead of the game!

 

Don't think about what you DON'T have-think about what you DO have. And if that's not enough, see a counselor, a professional of some sort that can guide you through this. But do NOT give up on life-you'll miss out on SO much.

 

 

Mar

[Haywire]

Hi Mar, Over the years I've asked people for help and guidance. I have asked God etc. At the end of the day I always seem to come back to where I am now. I have felt suicidal like I am now many times before. I think I have found a new outlook and way to deal with life then bang back on my buttox again. I thankyou for your help. I have tried what you have done and I have not progressed. I am not saying God dosent exist etc I am just saying that I am still really down.

 

Thanks for your comments.

[SweetGemini]

Haywire,

 

Sometimes i feel like you do and wonder what's the freakin point in living when you are feeling so much pain, so much emptiness and no aims or goals in your life. Why is there so much unfairness in life?? Why do some people live the life and some others dont? why are some people so lucky and others are not... well unfortunately i cant answer these questions, and i doubt it anyone can, but i will tell you one thing, LIFE is what YOU make it!

 

The other day, i went walking along the beach with my sis, there was no one around, just my sis and i walking along the beach barefoot, the sun was setting, it was so beautiful, i just had to stop and enjoy the view, it made me think how much there is out there, all the unknown!! It was like a dream! one word to describe what i was feeling was WOW!!

 

Why im saying all this?? because i believe you havent experienced much in life yet, maybe you have but they may be negative experiences, i highly recommend you should set some goals in your life, get a paper and a pencil right now and write down things you want in your life, not just for you but things you wish you had to help other people out, write what you would like to do, write characteristic traits you would like to have...

 

I know you may thinking right now, who can be bothered doing all that, well let me tell you, you got 2 options, WAKE UP and stop feeling sorry for yourself or others!!!! or remain angry, sad, depressed for the rest of yourlife, if YOU dont help yourself then no one can, that's the way it is... YOU must realize YOU may not be able to change the world to a better place but you CAN change yourself and state of mind to help yourself and help others!! think of it this way, you can help the people you feel sorry for!!

 

LIFE is too good to waste!!! You are here now, so take advantage of it!!!! and there is another life, and you will go there but your time may not have come as yet, think of this world as a waiting room before the afterlife, so you can either wait doing something useful or wait feeling sorry for yourself... that is totally up to you, but me personally, i would rather spend my time in this waiting room pleasantly, and try and make somebody's else waiting time pleasant too...

 

 

All the best!

[Archith]

Dear Haywire,

 

I know of a great saint called Eckhart Tolle, who lives in Vancouver and whose book "Power of Now" is a NYTimes bestseller. His follow-up book "Stillness Speaks" is also a classic and Eckhart very lucidly talks about what's happening to you and many others who are suffering:

 

"Almost every ego contains at least an element of what we might call "victim identity". Some people have such a strong victim image of themselves that it becomes the central core of their ego. Resentment and grievances form an essential part of their sense of self.

Even if your grievances are completely "justified", you have constructed an identity for yourself that is much like a prison whose bars are made of thought forms. See what you are doing to yourself, or rather what your mind is doing to you. Feel the emotional attachment you have to your victim story and become aware of the compulsion to think or talk about it. Be there as the witnessing presense of your inner state. You don't have to do anything. With awareness comes transformation and freedom."

 

If you feel there is some truth to what Eckhart says in the above paras, get his book "Power of Now". It contains basic spiritual truths and the most fundamental knowledge about who we(humans) are. One thing is for sure are not our minds":

"You are not your story, your likes and dislikes, your fears and desires, the "I" that is never satisfied for long.

This "I" is just a mind-made sense of who you are, conditioned by the past and seeking to find fulfillment in the future."

 

I just quoted Eckhart from his book "Stillness speaks".So, if you find all these useful help others out like avman. If u or anybody else needs help, mail me at email removed. I'm 20 and live in India. I've gone through suffering too and I can relate to you. Transform yourself and help others transform too.

Cheers....

[Haywire]

Thankyou guys for your support!

[azlans]

i wish you the best in life and dont ever give up cause there is always someone there who loves you... you've got all of our blessings and i pray for ya..dont ever give up in life because there are people who i wished were alive today that left too early...God's delays arent God's denials.....good luck and i wish you all the best...God bless

[majic1984]

Haywire, go try this. Go run/jog.. (about a mile or a bit more until you are breathing hard and your legs are sore a bit). After your run, sit down, take some time to meditate... close your eyes, imagine that your soul is in another place (not on this earth). Now, take deep breaths... breathe in everything that is going right in your life... now breathe out everything that is going bad. Think about how beautiful things are around you.. think about how valuable you are, think about everyone you ever knew.. love those people and love who you are. Everyone is a person of their own.. everyone has special talents and is beautiful in their own right. You still have talents that you haven't discovered... go out and discover those hidden talents. You are a great person, and so are the people around you, even if you wish not to admit it. If you find yourself in the same depression again, go run again.. sit down and meditate... I find this helps conquer alot of things.. it helps to slow your life down and think about the things that matter most to us sometimes. Good luck buddy.

 

I would also recommend getting and reading "The Purpose Driven Life." It has helped me answer some of the questions you seem to be seeking with religion, it has told me not to seek things from God. God does not always show his might in the form of gestures to you. Life is a test.. live your life to serve him as best as possible. Do not expect God to provide you with all the answers. He is there, if you seek him, he WILL look you in the eyes. However, you must be willing to see through his eyes and follow his ways. He is there, although he may not seem to be there right now, he is still there.

[Haywire]

Thanks for your help guys.

 

Regards