Friends vs. Acquaintances

[Kantriakhor]

So at my job there's a lot of people in my age area, it's a day camp (5 days week, 8-4). We go off into our areas, staff meets during lunch (not required) to eat, then back to our areas then we leave. During one of these lunch hours, a co-worker asks me dead-pan if I consider us friends. Rather than lie, I told him that I see us as acquaintances and co-workers. Apparently this really struck a nerve with him, he became annoyed/upset and demanded:

 

"Why aren't we friends? Are you too stuck-up?"

 

I replied that friends take time and history to make, not a couple hours a week between jobs. Needless to say, he took offense and stormed off. This brings me to my question:

 

Do you identify friends separate from acquaintances? Did you ever have to explain that difference to someone (in my case he asked point blank)?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The fact that he posed the question is a bit odd. Considering someone a friend vs an acquaintance is typically not something you spell out to someone else. It is not like people go around pointing to people they know and saying "friend, friend, acquaintance, acquaintance, friend, acquaintance" like they are being divided up for a team sports match. The boundaries are often very blurred between friendship and acquaintance. Often times those people who you are supposed to be good friends with are the ones who don't come through for you when the chips are down...and it is the acquaintances who end up to be more reliable and helpful when you are in crisis. Just because you talk to someone about your innermost thoughts and socialize with them all the time and think of them as your best friend, doesn't mean they actually are a good friend. It takes a crisis to really show who is worth their weight in salt and unfortunately it is not always the people you assumed are your friends.

[dr_styles]

Well I personally (only myself, my own thoughts) is think all of my "friends" like co-workers are just "acquaintances" - why? Because we don't do anything outside of work like on the weekends. I think the best way to describe the acquaintance is once you've left, like finished up school, Uni, current work, etc. then you never contact each other again - he's the guy on your mobile, MSN list, Facebook, whatever, that you never touch his contact. I got plenty of those.

 

That whole situation you posted is a bit weird though. I'd never ask that sorta stuff .

[Norman]

Hello Kantriakhor,

 

"I replied that friends take time and history to make, not a couple hours a week between jobs."

 

I very much enjoyed your honest and straight forward response to this "friend" of yours. Perhaps you were being more of a friend to him than he expected? There is no need to doubt yourself. The best thing you could do for this fellow is to stand firm in what you believe and not let him manipulate you into meeting his expectations or his demands.

 

Best Regards,

Norman

[waveseer]

He likes you and instead of giving him a warm fuzzy you gave him a cold p* r* i* c* k* ly (from a book from the '70's in case you're wondering).

[Kantriakhor]

He likes you and instead of giving him a warm fuzzy you gave him a cold p* r* i* c* k* ly (from a book from the '70's in case you're wondering).

 

Rather be honest than lie

[wayoverit]

Your response came off a bit stuck up and cocky. By him asking the question he has already assume you to be a friend rather than an acquaintance and returning the same is simply showing your humbleness and appreciation. Even an acquaintance gets pissed in this case.

 

Next time, lie. It's just more civilized.

[waveseer]

Rather be honest than lie

 

You did nothing wrong, I was just explaining his reaction. His feelings were hurt.

[Ellie2006]

I think this is the perfect example of NOT asking the question if you are not ready to deal with the answer you might receive.

 

I do not understand what the deal with your co-worker is but I dont think you did anything wrong. And as a matter of fact, I do not think he should have put you on the spot like that. And no, I do not think you should have lied simply to appease him.

 

Plus, his comment about you being "stuck-up" was completely uncalled for and honestly, quite presumptuous -- is everyone who doesnt necessarily want him as a friend "stuck-up"? He sure has a high opinion of himself

 

I read CAD's post with interest and I think she has a very valid point, even though my personal experience is a bit different: while I do NOT go around saying "acquaintance, friend, friend, acquaintance ...," I certainly DO possess some sort of internal register by which I define who are friends and who are not, and the line between them is not blurred for me but very distinct.

 

If someone were to ask me point blank how I divvy people up into friends/acquaintance [which I think is a pretty ludicrous question, by the way], I think your answer would be close to how I would answer.

 

Anyways, are you worried that your interaction w/ this person might now be strained? I hope not, for your sake. Hopefully, things will just blow over.

[WomanWriter]

For me, a friend is someone I personally know and like...someone I'd choose to spend time with during a lunch break. An aquaintance is someone I know but merely tolerate. I may like them well enough but wouldn't go out of my way to spend time with them.

 

It does not really have much to do with how long I've known them, just how much I enjoy their company or chatting with them. If it's someone I don't particularly enjoy chatting with or spending time with, they're just an aquaintance.

[Kantriakhor]

Next time, lie. It's just more civilized.

 

May have been more tactful to lie but I'd feel terrible for leading someone on. There's nothing humble about lying, humility exists on a scale outside of honesty in my opinion. The humble can lie and the braggarts can be honest.

[Kantriakhor]

Anyways, are you worried that your interaction w/ this person might now be strained? I hope not, for your sake. Hopefully, things will just blow over.

 

Not really worried about it, just was wondering if this is a reason some people (usually people that already dislike me, granted) see me as aloof and stuck up. A huge part tends to be my formal tones which is just part of who I am, many people are flirtatious in nature, I'm just formal and it's interpreted as being a snob, go figure.

[dr_styles]

If asked, I would always say they are a friend if I have nothing against them, and get along well with them the times we interact, even though privately they are in the acquaintance bucket. A lie I suppose but not really either; maybe if I hated them or something ...

[Kantriakhor]

If asked, I would always say they are a friend if I have nothing against them, and get along well with them the times we interact, even though privately they are in the acquaintance bucket. A lie I suppose but not really either; maybe if I hated them or something ...

 

This would be a lie if you know they're not a friend yet say they are. Lying to spare feelings is generally not a good idea when they don't need protection from the truth (ie, sparing the details of a parents death to a 4 year old by merely saying they went away/passed away... though some may argue that as wrong even).

[Peppermint_P]

Kantriakhor

 

I think you did the right thing. Good for you.

 

Lying about it would have been the wrong thing to do with this nutcase. If you had answered, "Friend..." it probably would have opened a real can of worms.

 

I say this, because considering this person asked such a weird question in the first place, and considering their rather over-the-top angry outburst to your response... would you even want such a person as a friend???

 

Ummm... I wouldn't, because they sound to me like they're mentally off balance-- a couple of french fries short of a McDonald's Happy Meal, if you KWIM.

 

Anyway... I would steer clear of this person in the future. I have encountered similar weirdos in my workplace and some can be real troublemakers.

 

Good Luck To You,

 

 

Peppermint Patty