Trusting people again

[Brig]

Some things have happened within the last year in relationships I've had that have caused me to not trust women anymore. I have no faith in women and always assume they have a shady side to them. My question, how do I regain faith and trust in women? Does it just naturally happen over time? Do I need to retrain my thinking about it on my own? Or do I need positive experiences to dispel my negative feelings about it? Thanks.

[dreamwarrior]

What happened that made you not trust women? Sorry to hear that. I would be glad to listen.

[wgq]

Here on this very site I know there are many wonderful women. I do not wonder there are very good women out there in your area. Try to get to know women and be friends. Do not rush into any relationships for wront reasons, like being alone or boring... . Just be patient

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is hard to trust people in general. Not just women...men too. When relationships start going sour there are a lot of men and women who behave very badly and dishonestly. When it comes to relationships many many people are very selfish and only look to get their own needs met. That is why people search for rebounds...they don't care about the next person they hurt, they just want another warm body to make them feel better or to exact revenge on their ex. People can be very cruel in relationships. I have had very bad experiences with men so I can tell you that it is not just women who are guilty of being unreliable and untrustworthy. There are just a lot of selfish people who can't see beyond themself. I don't have any answers for you about how to go about trusting people because the more times you get burned the harder it is to trust.

[OziJack]

Some things have happened within the last year in relationships I've had that have caused me to not trust women anymore. I have no faith in women and always assume they have a shady side to them. My question, how do I regain faith and trust in women? Does it just naturally happen over time? Do I need to retrain my thinking about it on my own? Or do I need positive experiences to dispel my negative feelings about it? Thanks.

 

WHat you need is to ditch everything that you believe about what your role and obligations are in an intimate relationship and start over.

 

WHat exactly happened to make you feel so angry?

Maybe I can shine some light?

How old are you ?

[OmegaMan]

Some things have happened within the last year in relationships I've had that have caused me to not trust women anymore.

 

That's an irrational thought. Much like racism is.

 

You're focusing on one aspect of a person or attribute and somehow making other people responsible for what she did to you.

 

Same thing for people who hate blacks or asians. It's an extreme example but it's true.

 

I think the first thing to realize is to differentiate this woman from that woman.

 

Ex:

 

"All women are shady and will betray me if I get in a relationship with them."

 

More realistic:

 

"Some women are dishonest, others aren't. If I date someone else she might be honest or she might not be. That's the risk I'm willing to take to meet someone."

I have no faith in women and always assume they have a shady side to them. My question, how do I regain faith and trust in women? Does it just naturally happen over time? Do I need to retrain my thinking about it on my own? Or do I need positive experiences to dispel my negative feelings about it? Thanks.

 

Bingo.

 

I think that what happened is just a natural defense mechanism.

 

Someone hurt you and you want to make sure it won't happen again so you draw conclusions to make sure you're not hurt ever again.

 

There's no certainties, only opportunities. You can never know what kind of person you're going to meet is like. That's life, there's no way around this.

 

You either quiet and protect yourself or you keep trying and risk being hurt again.

[InvisibleWound]

Some things have happened within the last year in relationships I've had that have caused me to not trust women anymore. I have no faith in women and always assume they have a shady side to them. My question, how do I regain faith and trust in women? Does it just naturally happen over time? Do I need to retrain my thinking about it on my own? Or do I need positive experiences to dispel my negative feelings about it? Thanks.

 

 

I think your being a bit to neagative thinking all women have a shady side. Some women are liars, manipulative and cheaters, others sweet as ever and loyal and all that good stuff.

 

I can understand where your coming from somewhat though... I have been cheated on twice in my past and for a long time I avoided going out with anyone else because I figured it would happen again. And I even figured for a while some men/women were all the same.

 

Not everyone cheats though.

 

Here are a few tips:

 

1) Get to know the women a fair amount before dating her or becoming serious. Sometimes its hard to start off just as friends. I have found if you become friends first you can learn a lot and I mean A LOT about the person and decide from there if you want to persue something more with them.

 

2) Remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea and there are some amazing honest, loyal, trustworthy people out there. Its just hard to find those ones sometimes...

 

3) Do you have any postive experience's with dating women? I see in your post you put "Or do I need positive experiences to dispel my negative feelings about it?" By reading that I assume you have had all bad experience or not enough good ones. Postive experience does help with anything we do really... I know it can be easy to just decide everyone is bad and evil or whatever but not everyone. You could just be maybe dateing the wrong women? if that makes sense...

 

Honestly just remember everyone is different. In life we all are going to go through good and bad relationship experiences but it shouldn't stop you from dateing anyone new or trying something new. Just try and know the person before dateing them it should help out somewhat.

[Brig]

I would say that most of my relationship experiences have turned out negative. I've been married once and divorced. That whole marriage was a mess and I should have been smarter than to allow it to happen, my ex wife was a very difficult person to get a long with for everyone including me. Then after that I dated a girl for bout 6 months but for some reason she was very timid or intimidated by me. I'm a very kind gentle, person, she could never get passed it so I finally ended the relationship. Then after that I dated a girl for about 3 years and she bailed right before we were supposed to get married. I sacrificed the world for her. I gave her the world. I was so good to her. She'll never know what she did to me. It turns out she has major psychological issues that I never realized. Then after that I dated a girl for about a month and I really liked her a lot but she had issues from past relationships that caused her to have a huge wall which ultimately killed us. Then, later I found out some shady things about her past also so.. yea.. I'm getting old, I'm 31 and time is running out. I'm not going to be young forever and I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be in life with career or relationships or anything. As a matter of fact, it's been bad luck, bad relationships that has killed my career endeavors. It feels very hopeless. I'm a good looking guy but unfortunately looks are not nearly enough as I'm finding out more and more every day. It takes a killer, charismatic, charming, perfect personality to be worthy of love. I have a good personality but now it's riddled with a cynical and pessimistic view of life and so it's even harder to find what I'm looking for. I know people are going to tell me to quit looking, get positive, be happy, take care of myself, break the negative cycle but it's very hard to do when you feel how I feel. I think I've pretty much blown it.. I'm old and tired of this.. I just want to find a stable partner that I love that loves me the same way.. I apologize for coming off as whiny, I'm just going through a rough year..

[waveseer]

You are growing up and realizing what's really important to you. That is a major step along the way to being with someone compatible. People will tell you who they are (or show you), you just have to pay attention. It took every incompatible relationship you had in your past to help you become the person you are today. The experiences we gain by participating in relationships become our guidlines for our future relationships. There are no guarantees, you just have to take the risk again (and sometimes again and again). Do try to enjoy yourself, it doesn't feel like drudgery with the right person.

[sweetarts26]

I feel like I'm in the same boat as you are, except I feel like I can't trust men. Well, not really. But I'm really starting to feel that way. Discouraged is a good word for it. Just know that there are women out there like me, who don't lie and have good hearts. Sorry you haven't met one yet.

[Brig]

Yea that is a really good way to describe it, discouraged... I do want to emphasize that when I say trust, I mean it in more of a broader sense than just cheating or lying necessarily too.. I also use it to mean reliability, stability, mutual feelings and so forth. I don't trust women to be sincere, reliable, not flaky, not loaded with so many emotional issues that they can't open up to me, not wanting the same thing.. Those kind of things on top of cheating and lying is also what I meant. Yes I'm very discouraged. Sometimes I take the fault in my mind thinking that maybe I don't know how to be a boyfriend or maybe my dating skills are just gone or something is wrong with me but I don't know what the truth really is.. is it me or is it them? It's all just so frustrating. I just am ready to meet a girl that is just like me, and, God forbid, someone I find attractive.. Seems like that is a tall order but it really shouldn't be..

[newlife24]

i would go into more depth about my relationships but I had two exs that were complete liars and completely took away any positive thoughts I ever held about men and I have a deadbeat dad so my outlook wasnt great to begin with. I am still struggling with trust issues and I feel like I still harbor resentments and past hurts. I try really hard not to bring them into my current relationship because I feel he may be "the one" but seriously some days are just so HARD. I feel lately like im a person that may only be able to exist alone because of my fear of intimacy and of being hurt. I dont know what the answer is and I would love to find someone that could learn to get over being screwed over again and again because it gets to a point where its just too much.

 

Best of luck to you

[dreamwarrior]

Don't worry Brig, you will find a nice woman who will love you...your very young yet..lol...sweetie 31 is not old.

 

I am probably in a worse predicament than you...think of how hard it's going to be for me to find a nice bf, but trust me when the time is right it will happen.

 

Just don't settle or get to serious right away...take things nice and slow, get to know a person well and watch out for the red flags...of course nobody is perfect and you can't throw a red flag on everything the girl does, but just keep in mind what your wanting from a woman emotionally.

 

Start off by loving yourself most...never allow a person to use or hurt you, give yourself what you need, be there for yourself. If your weak and vulnerable then that will leave the gate open for these women to come in and make your life h*ll. Keep strong, in the mind, body, and spirit.

 

Remember the path you were on before and the path you wish to find in the future.

 

Have a blessed day/night....Dreamwarrior

[magiciansgirl]

I'm going to get personal with you here Brig and I'm sorry if I come accross as blunt, that's just the way I am. There are a few things that you have said that I feel need to be addressed here and I'll apologise now if you find any of it offensive, if you do let me know and I will be more than happy to explain it to you in more detail! The same goes for any other readers!...........

 

 

I don't trust women to be sincere, reliable, not flaky, not loaded with so many emotional issues that they can't open up to me, not wanting the same thing.. Those kind of things on top of cheating and lying is also what I meant.

 

 

I understand this, really I do. I have said this so many times to myself about men in the past that I ended up in the same place as where you are right now! What you need is an insight into women and how they will respond in the way you want them to. So, I'm a woman that is going to give it to you straight. If you want a woman to be sincere, ask open ended questions and don't get frustrated when you don't get the answer you wanted. Most women love to talk but they are LESS likely to talk or open up if they don't feel like they are being heard and trust me, they can sense if you are not truly listening! Another point with this is that if you invalidate a woman's feelings or beliefs they will NOT be sincere with you. With realiabilty, you have to ask yourself what you want to be able to rely on a partner for and assess as to whether or not you may be asking too much of them to support you in that way, you could be asking too much of them in this respect and this applies to everyone in any kind of relationship. If you're not sure if it's too much for them not, ASK!

 

 

I must admit that I had a bit of a chuckle at the comment about women being flaky! I'll be the first woman to admit that I can be a bit flaky on occasion, but that is part of being a woman and with me I'm especially flaky around a certain time of month! After 6 months of living with my partner he got very annoyed that I would forget to do things every so often or that I would "space out", I would get easily distracted and I would even come out and say the most random things at the most inappropriate times. That is just my particular brand of flakiness! When he finally confronted me about it we realised that all of these things occurred 1 week in every 4! I think you can guess what it was related to! I'm not saying this is the same for every woman out there but it does play a big part. The reason these things frustrate my partner is because usually I never forget anything, I never get distracted and I don't space out so that I end up saying random things. We've found ways to cope with all of this and we can now laugh when it happens because we know I'm not doing any of those things intentionally! He now leaves me notes when he wants me to do or remember something during my period, he now laughs when I space out so that I'm less likely to say random things but when I do he just laughs and hugs me to let me know that he understands and when I get distracted he'll gently remind me that I should be doing something else that is more important than the distraction. He "tuned" himself into this and as a result has learned how to cope with it and we have compromised on this because we both know it's something that we can't change no matter how hard we try. We can contol it, but we can't change it. The point I'm trying to make here is accept what you can't change but don't put up with it just for the sake of putting up with it, you have to want to see past it and find a compromise to deal with it together. If you can't you have to ask yourself if it's really worth it!

 

 

The other thing I want to mention here is getting a woman to open up is not as hard as it sounds. All you simply need to do is ask open ended questions and you will find that she will open up more easily. All women want to open up to their man about things, you just need to ask the questions in the right way when you sense that something is on her mind. Another little trick is to hold her hand when you ask the questions and don't offer advice unless she asks for it. This last little thing alone will make want to open up to you more.

 

 

Sometimes I take the fault in my mind thinking that maybe I don't know how to be a boyfriend or maybe my dating skills are just gone or something is wrong with me but I don't know what the truth really is.. is it me or is it them? It's all just so frustrating.

 

 

I thought like this once. Never again. As humans we have a tendency to try to figure out if we could have done something differently to change the fate of a situation and then learning from that so that we don't make the same mistake again or that the mistake isn't as bad the next time around because some things take longer to figure out. What you are doing is dwelling on past experiences too much and not seeing yourself for the wonderful person that you are. Every person has faults, it's up to the other individual to decide if they can live with the faults of another person but at the same time you must not go looking for those faults from the get go because when you do this the other person feels untrusted and you will find that you will find yourself right back where you are now. I've been here too many times in the past. If you look for the negative you will find it harder to appreciate and find the positive.

 

 

I'm going to share something with you here that might give you a bit of perspective. I was in a violent relationship for 2 years from the age of 18 and in that time I was hospitalised 6 times. I was young and I was stupid and I didn't know any better and I believed that it was my fault that he was hitting me because he told me that I deserved it....... and I was naive enough to believe it! It took me almost 4 years after I left him to be able to see the good in anyone again and when I had had enough practice I met my current partner. Where you are now took me 4 years to get to! I'd say you're doing very well even if it doesn't feel like that right now. Trust me, you will get through this! If I can get through what I went through with that jerk then you can and will get through this!!!!!!

 

 

I just am ready to meet a girl that is just like me, and, God forbid, someone I find attractive.. Seems like that is a tall order but it really shouldn't be..

 

 

Okay, I think this is your mistake! You're asking for something that will eventually bore the hell out of you!!!! The best foundation for a relatonship is to have similarities, yes, because you need that mutual ground but we also need someone that "compliments" the relatonship when it comes to the things that you have that are disimmilar. For example, my partner hates housework, I love it; I hate DIY, he loves it; He hates decorating, I love it; I find the spring tidy in the garden a pain, he finds it theraputic.

 

 

This might sound like a crazy idea but try lowering your expectations of a potential partner. This has a dual effect. On the one hand it means that you won't be as disappointed if someone doesn't meet them and on the other you'll be very happy when someone exceeds them.

 

 

Brig........ If I was single and I lived near you and had the opportunity to be with you, I'll tell you now, I wouldn't say no! You are good looking, you're intelligent and your sweet and sensitive! I mean there are litterally thousands of women out there that would count themselves more than lucky to have a guy like you that actually wants a woman to open up to him emotionally! You are a wonderful person and you have a lot to offer a woman in a relationship. But you need to believe that in yourself before they can! Really think about this.............. I'm a total stranger and I can see all of this in you just from a few posts on an internet forum but I can also see that you're having a hard time believing in yourself. Get out there, have fun and start living. Don't concentrate on finding the right woman for now, concentrate on finding YOU and believing in YOURSELF!!!!!!!

[oldenoughtoknow]

Brig, just to add...you are young, and this is all part of finding the right person. You sound like a kind, caring person. I've been labeled the same. The only advice I could give you is to watch out for yourself. Don't "assume" that whoever you may meet is also a kind, caring person, just like you. When you first meet someone, adjust your mindset to one that you are interviewing them to see if they are worthy of your time - do they meet your needs and criteria. Don't settle in with someone because you both have a sparkle in your eye. Ask tons of questions. And as the relationship progresses, watch to see if their words match their actions.

 

Think of it like this...in the beginning of a relationship, everyone is on their best behavior. And most (I believe), are not necessarily trying to lie to you about anything. Lots of people think they're responsible, or caring, or intelligent, or the world's greatest lover, or certainly "relationship ready." Most of us who have dated for any length of time know this simply isn't true. So ask the right questions, get the right answers, and then see if they back it up. If something doesn't match up, ask them again. "You know, when we met, you said you love (staying home, a clean house, lots of sex, etc.)..." That type of thing. Check their honesty early on, and let your expectations be known.

 

And when the discrepancies and red flags outweigh the benefits, with no chance of improvement in sight, have the strength to walk away. Leaving is always easier, the sooner you do it - it's actually the kind, caring thing to do.

[Brig]

Just barely had a chance to read your response, thankyou for your insight, it helps give a good perspective. I appreciate your candor and the time you took to respond.

[magiciansgirl]

Just barely had a chance to read your response, thankyou for your insight, it helps give a good perspective. I appreciate your candor and the time you took to respond.

 

 

Not a problem sweetie. If you ever want some impartial and candid insight/advice, just let me know. The same goes for anyone else.

[sandrawg]

Honey, this is not a gender issue...I think it's a HUMAN issue.

 

Frankly, I have been cheated on and lied to by nearly every guy I've had a rel'ship with. I am starting to wonder, is it me??

 

I think it's just that there are very few people in this world who are unfailingly honest, and if you find someone like that, you should hold onto them for dear life.

 

Some things have happened within the last year in relationships I've had that have caused me to not trust women anymore. I have no faith in women and always assume they have a shady side to them. My question, how do I regain faith and trust in women? Does it just naturally happen over time? Do I need to retrain my thinking about it on my own? Or do I need positive experiences to dispel my negative feelings about it? Thanks.

[sandrawg]

This is great advice and I wish I could take it myself - lol

 

You and I are close in age. I feel time breathing down my back...you go on dating websites, and a lot of men's cut-off age is 42. Funny, I happen to be 42! I feel like I have wasted so much time on men who were just selfish and of dubious character, because I was too quick to overlook the red flags.

 

Believe me, finding someone of quality only gets significantly harder as you get older. It's good that the OP is learning these things while he's still young.

[sandrawg]

Ditto!

 

Brig, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you're hot You have a lot going for you

[wizard71]

I think its pretty normal to feel discouraged. Im 38 and single, but you know, you gotta keep faith in the human race and be 100% certain in the knowledge that there are plenty of people out there that are honest, trustworthy and loyal. If they arent, its about them, not you. Thing is, if you cant allow your emotions to jump right in there and go for it at some point, then that will manifest itself in the mechanics of the relationship when you meet someone anyway and it is doomed to fail. Could you be with someone that didnt trust you? It would cause issues. So as hard as it is, you need to look at the world of relationships in a more positive light mate, and good things will come your way, but only if you let them.

[dreamwarrior]

This is great advice and I wish I could take it myself - lol

 

You and I are close in age. I feel time breathing down my back...you go on dating websites, and a lot of men's cut-off age is 42. Funny, I happen to be 42! I feel like I have wasted so much time on men who were just selfish and of dubious character, because I was too quick to overlook the red flags.

 

Believe me, finding someone of quality only gets significantly harder as you get older. It's good that the OP is learning these things while he's still young.

 

Heck most guys think I am 30...so if I never told them I was turning 45 they would never even guess. So superficial some folks. Anyway, I say as long as I know I do the right things, whether it was at work, in a relationship, parenting or just doing something for myself...and I feel it in my guts, then nobody is going to make me feel any less of a person. So if my ex had other plans or felt he couldn't handle a relationship then he is dismissed...my only peeve is I hate when people know they are not happy or don't want the other person anymore and keep playing games and stringing them along...if you don't love or want them then LET THEM GO so they can find someone else and don't waste someones time with BS !

[enchanted771]

Some things have happened within the last year in relationships I've had that have caused me to not trust women anymore. I have no faith in women and always assume they have a shady side to them. My question, how do I regain faith and trust in women? Does it just naturally happen over time? Do I need to retrain my thinking about it on my own? Or do I need positive experiences to dispel my negative feelings about it? Thanks.

 

I am the same way only obviously it is trusting a man. I have to retrain my thinking! I assume that everything that comes out of their mouths is a lie, and its not fair.

[AuthenticAuthor]

Trust is something that should not be denied but rather earned. I think most people make the mistake of placing too much trust in people without judging them by their actions first. I know I have.