How to love yourself?

[exploding head]

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching in the last few weeks and have come to the conclusion that I have to learn how to love myself, but I really don’t know how to do it. I mean, Intellectually, I know I’m pretty amazing and unique, I’m capable of a variety of things, and usually good at it. I’m good looking, talented and smart, but at the same time, it’s like my heart just can’t accept it.

 

It goes back to having a pretty miserable childhood I suppose. I was neglected and never complimented. I’m trying to grow. I’m trying to heal a lot of the damage caused by my ex and sometimes it seems like it’s just too hard. Can anyone offer suggestions for day to day tips on HOW to accept yourself?

 

 

I read comments like Ben Franklin saying "if you love yourself, you will be upstoppable" I want to be like that.

 

Thanks

[Anusha]

Just try to do nice things for you,take good care of yourself,dont criticize yourself,try to make yourself cheer up when you felling down,compliment yourself.There is something I read that I found very helpfull,imagine how you would like to be treated and treat yourself that way or what you would have liked to get when you were a child and didnt and just give it to yourself.

[exploding head]

Here are some of the things i have done for myself in the last year...

 

Re-enrolled in school

I am going to see a counselor next week

Bought a Mini Cooper S

Lost 55lbs.

I exercise all the time

I moved to where I always wanted to

I’m starting to accept myself.

[Anusha]

Here are some of the things i have done for myself in the last year...

 

Re-enrolled in school

I am going to see a counselor next week

Bought a Mini Cooper S

Lost 55lbs.

I exercise all the time

I moved to where I always wanted to

I’m starting to accept myself.

 

Right that is what I mean,you getting there

[BLUE SONG FLY]

I hear what you are saying....and i do think ..yes....deep down ..one does know where our root of pain lies.

but it doesnt have to be the map for the rest of our lives! that would be akin to](*,)

 

counselling sounds good..its good to hear the beleifs one holds out loud with someone else like that

 

i do know the feeling of having it all together externally and feeling wrong inside

 

its interesting you used that Ben Franklyn quote...

 

please dont feel you must answer this online...unless you are comfortable...but what would you do if you werent being stopped by these feelings/beleifs?

what can you see 'over there' where all this stuff isnt, where life is going to be better?

 

you may find some gold in the answers

 

since you are intelligent i will say this too...i know the word belief is spelled thus....but i feel more beleif when its spelled my way

 

freedom is a good thing....i think you re doing fantastic...on the right road

 

in your corner

 

B

[exploding head]

I'd like to wake up and not feel this sense of dread. TO feel utterly content with myself. To not feel like I HAVE to have someone. To be in love with myelf, I suppose. As it feels to have someone love you, I want to feel that for myself.

 

Ideally, I'd finish my degree, start designing cars, build my hybrid sports car prototype, start my own car company, go racing every weekend. Option two would be to get somewhere with my music. Get a band going. Get famous, rich, date supermodels. Of course option one is more realistic.

 

I'm going back to school in the fall, so thats a good start. Of course, it would be nice to have a companion along the way, but i dont know why i feel that. I should be ok with being alone.

[BLUE SONG FLY]

Maybe you just want to be with someone...its a desire.

 

Why is it wrong in your mind to want that?

 

by how you say it , its as if you shouldn t want that...that there are clear #should s and shouldnt s around your desires.

 

in my experience...a should..is something 'they' whoever 'they' are....its something, some standard that 'they' have set.

 

 

'they' are usually a non distinctive , often unknown group of people who you ve never met....archetypes of thinking that come thru media and traditions

 

and your authentic self is under there...starving for attention, the kind that s just about being seen and wanted....without having to be impressive or to earn it.

 

neglect as a kid can mean that one doesnt get the ' your mine, so love is what you get' kind of love.

 

in dysfunctional homes...getting it right, being impressive, proving youre WORTH loving.. comes out of parents, who often love you and would give their lives for you, but in their own experience and parenting...just cant effectively communicate love.

 

thru gentle tones of voice, loving eye contact and physical touch ...a child learns his value.

 

but without these in place..... a little kid doesnt have life experience to be able to say..thats bull...its not love!

 

a kid beleives everything he's taught.

 

i too have struggled to receive love..for similar reasons.

 

For me, i found Christ's love came to me at a very low point..and now i live with that unconditional love in my corner.

 

 

people love isnt always easy..its full of crap...but there s such lovliness in it too.

 

one thing about not feeling accepted..is that it can make one afraid of intimacy...since the building blocks of intimacy were not so built up in formative years.

 

if youre in counselling..and that is a good safe place for you...then you may be able from that place of support be able to try a relationship...you can...its allowed....AND ...if it doesnt work out..that s just life..it happens to everyone...its not that you are defective,wrong or undesirable...it just doesnt sometimes work out...and then sometimes it really does! its very much trial and error.

 

its hard when youve not had much affirmation....it tends to make one overly think about people...they appear sometimes to have all the power

 

i realised this recently....i have given most people in my life way too much power..oh i always acted very in control....like no-one could pull the wool over....but in my heart i was overextended to most people. i was craving affirmation...this pattern started with my parents..and a lack that i had as a kid.

 

it got me into pleasing others..and being brilliant at everything to MAKE THEM proud.

 

i became an extractor of affection...not a receiver.

 

i just had no basic trust that anyone wanted to give to me...outside of me being impressive

 

as life goes on...your underneath real you...cant take it...there s a craving for free of charge affection.

 

Im still learning how to receive love

 

ive stopped going after 'impresssive ' people....and tried to look at people who look me in the eyes, who genuinely arent anxious about what i do...they just like to pass the time with me...they dont need me to be 'someone' for them......and i like the lack of pressure.

 

thats me tho.

 

we each have our own walk hey?

 

listen to you, the little you....he''ll be wanting to play and be loved..

[Celadon]

I think that loving yourself means taking care of yourself, first. Do you do things that are good for you, and enjoyable? Do you exercise and take care of your health? Do you treat yourself to little things (within your budget) every now and then? Or are you driven by critical inner voices, or the feeling of having to always be "better"?

 

Have you selected a goal of yours and pursued it, or are you just floating along, doing the easiest thing in front of you?

 

The 'slippery slope' is that we think happiness lies in indulging every whim and impulse. It doesn't. That becomes never-ending. Happiness lies in taking care of yourself, loving others, being part of a community, and pursuing purposeful activities. I'm not saying it's easy or will happen overnight. But taking a step at a time will be enormously satisfying. Enjoy the ride!

[OmegaMan]

Ok, I'm no expert on that field but I would like to tell you about my conclusions on this topic as I've been thinking about this a lot.

 

Note that the following is just my opinion, I'm not pushing anything down you throat. Feel free to reject this.

 

I mean, Intellectually, I know I’m pretty amazing and unique, I’m capable of a variety of things, and usually good at it. I’m good looking, talented and smart, but at the same time, it’s like my heart just can’t accept it.

 

I think the trap lies in giving reasons.

 

I know what you're thinking, we all think about this sometimes.

 

Handsome

+

Rich

+

Smart

=

Love.

 

But it's not so simple.

 

If you find reasons to love yourself, I can only assume you'll find reasons not to. Your mind can't only go one way.

 

The conscious mind can only do so much. I don't think it's possible to "decide" to love yourself because of reasons. I mean, at least, not overnight.

 

I think the answer lies in something we can find in the bible (although I'm not religious): unconditional love.

 

I'm talking about loving yourself for no reason. Just because you're you.

 

Maybe it sounds insane, but I believe that love is something which can't be reasoned, it is something that is felt.

 

Which is why I want to talk about something else:

 

Actions. You have to behave in a way which corresponds how you feel about yourself.

 

If you eat bad food, smoke, don't get any sleep and allow other negative actions, no matter how much mental gymnastics you're doing, you'll end up feeling bad about yourself, because actions speak louder than words.

 

Act in a loving way and everything will follow. This is my belief.

[exploding head]

I do. Or at least, i try to live in a loving way.

 

I'm pretty involved with some very positive organizations. I excersice, eat a lot better, keep drinking in check, play guitar, dance on the beach to loud electronic music to the point where im in a trance. I donate a lot of my time to helping people as well.

 

I guess Im just wondering when im going to get to a point where i feel i DONT need a woman to make me feel whole. Ive signed up for some "mindfulness" meditation classes to make myself more aware of "me" perhaps that will give some more insight.