Really need help....

[Nayeli]

i have a huge jealousy problem, but what makes it worse is that it's mainly over my bf looking at porn. i know its just a "guy thing" but i don't know how to get over it. to me it seems to signify a problem with our sex life but he swears that he is satisfied... but then again there really is no passion anymore because i am usually the one who initiates it and he says 2-3 time a week is good for him...is that normal for a 20 year old?? he knows how much it bothers me but i still catch him....that's another problem- i've become quite a snoop. i go on his computer or email and look for it (and usually find it), which is something i have never done and i really hate myself for it. but when i confront him he tells me he is sorry and that he shouldn't have because he knows how i feel...but always goes back to it. it really makes me feel so bad about myself. why would he have to look for porn (and pay for subscription) to satisfy him if he has me?? am i over analyzing things? and if a guy responds please don't just give me the "guy" defense....

[sphinx999]

I know what you mean you could get a net nanny on his computer, but remove it if he takes to it really badly and say you were just kidding around. If i were you i would stop snooping because all it will do is:

1. make you miserable

2. give him ammo to argue back.

hope this helps

[woopsydaisy]

hey babe i feel for you.....lets get one thing straight if the situation continues like it is the relationship is not going to go nowere.I think your boyfriend has a real problem if he really cares for you and knows how you feel about the issue but carries on doing it.It just seems disrespectfull.And if its effecting your sex life as well thats not good news.As for snooping yeah its wrong you shouldnt have done it.....but you found out each time he has gone behind your back and did it again...leading you to snoop a little more.I would say hes the one who needs to change first ....before anything else.How much more are you going to stand for this?....you have been patient enougth.Get some more views if you can....and then decide what to do.Good luck.

[Baby_doll]

Hey Nayeli,

 

I replied to your post on the other thread, but thought I would reply here too. I became a snoop and I couldn't believe that he was paying for it! I went through his computer, his whole house and his bank statements -You see, bank statements don't and can't lie. It really made my blood boil, but then it got to the stage where he could never afford to go on holiday with me, which was partly to do with the fact that he'd just spent £200 on porn!! When you think about it, it's really sad that a man who claims to love you can't go on holiday with you, yet he can afford the 'luxuries' of porn-that he claimed he could live without! I hate the phrase 'it's a guy thing'...you'd be surprised how many guys would actually be offended by that! If you think like that, you'll be walked all over-and you'll gets lies and excuses all of your life. Anyways, read my reply on the other thread!

 

Baby_doll xx

[Nayeli]

thank you all for your help... i confronted him again and he reacted the same, and said he just does it because it doesn't seem like a big deal to him, like its just habit or something to do when he's bored.... i just wish he would remember that its a big deal to me..... but i really hate to think of ending this relationship, we've been together for about a year and a half, and things are usually great, other than this problem. when we first met, he was an avid porn man, and it didn't really bother me too much then. but as we got closer, it started to, which makes me realize it was me that changed... i tend to lose my self in relationships. maybe i just need some counseling or some good anxiety/depression medicine.. ??

[Baby_doll]

Ask yourself this, if it is just something to do when he's bored or just a habit and no big deal, then why can't he give it up for you? Surely it wouldn't be a problem. It sounds like an excuse to me! (Although obviously I don't know your boyf ) It bothers you, which is perfectly understandable, and he should understand that too-I think if he really loves you then he should make the effort not to hurt you. But even when they do give it up, it's still always there in the back of your mind-I became a snoop, because I always felt that I had to watch my back! I am only 22 myself and was in my relationship for about 3 and a half years. I just got sick of the lies and excuses...my ex did it because 'it was there'-I don't accept this excuse. I finally plucked up the courage to get rid of him in January, and I've never looked back-it was the best thing I ever did. Everyday I can feel myself getting stronger and more confident. Some people will try and tell you that porn isn't a big deal, but if it bothers you, then it is a big deal. There are plenty of guys that would understand how you feel about porn and completely support your dislike.

[Sooz]

Hi Nayeli! I am in the same boat!! I am too dealing with a porn issue, and like you it's the only thing wrong in the relationship. I wish I could give you advice, but I'm looking for it myself. At first I felt stupid feeling jealous of something "not real", jealous of paper and two-dimension images. But you wouldn't imagine how many girls feel the same way about porn!! Browsing through this site I've found many girls with the same problem, even guys that share the same point of view regarding the porn topic.

I've learned that is not a matter of if it's right or wrong, rather is a matter of how you feel about it. Our boyfriends/husbands should respect our feelings towards porn and make a little sacrifice (although I think it shouldn't be a sacrifice) and quit looking at it. In fact we shouldn't be the ones asking them to quit...Wouldn't be nice if the initiative came from them?

The thing is, my husband is not a jealous person, he wouldn't mind one bit if I looked at naked men in suggestive postures. In fact, some weeks ago, some "Playgirl" models came to a club to sign autographs and stuff (you can imagine they wouldn't be exactly over dressed) and my husband told me if I wanted to go with my girl-friends. Of course I said no, but this is an example of his feelings in this whole "porn-jealousy" thing.

As we are in the same road, maybe we can help each other...

Luck!!

[Nayeli]

hey sooz.. ya it would be really nice if they would just give it up on their own.. but guys don't seem to be that intuitive about these things. my boyfriend hasn't looked at porn since the last time i confronted him (i don't think) but it still festers in the back of my mind.. now its spilled over into me getting all of these crazy ideas about him cheating on me, (with someone in one of his classes, my roommate, whoever..). before we started dating, he was signed up for one of those online dating things (sounds sleazy i know...), and he still gets messages through his icq messenger thing. he claims that he doesn't know if he's still signed up and that people just search members and message randomly. this could be true because he IS very forgetful.. but i still wonder. he does ignore the messages when they come up, but why wouldn't he try to do something about it??! after the porn thing it makes me think that he is being sneaky about everything and i wonder what all he is hiding from me.

i have tried to just think of those good moments as you said on your thread, but it's getting to where my paranoia drowns them out enough to where i can't even think of any... i feel so hopeless..

lately i've been really questioning the relationship (there are other problems that we can't seem to work out)....but then i wonder if its mainly just stress making everything so tense , since we're both so busy with classes...