Victim of sexual validation scam?

[ajaxajax]

Hey all

 

I was on another forum and was told that although women kept appearing to show some signs of attraction, they really do it to make themselves feel sexually validated and not because of genuine interest in me. And they end up with other guys while I'm left out in the cold.

 

I would think this partly because I don't appear assertive, confident and interested enough on seeing any of those signs and that's what made many women who I met become biologically "turned off". All right, ladies, I stuffed up - big time. For that, I'm sorry, all right!

 

Three big reasons why this came about:

1. Things happened in life that put me on such a brutalised war mentality, I felt I couldn't even afford to be myself

2. I felt that I'd always not do the "right thing" if I went with girl A instead of girl B, for example

3. I felt that if I did something that all guys who turn women on, it would count as sexual harassment or worse!

 

So:

Is this sexual validation thing that keeps affecting me conscious/unconscious? And, despite what I now think, is any flirtation sign only mere sexual validation or expression of genuine interest? I mean do I need to earn $X per year, have a waistline less than X cm, have a crotch of at least X size for me, be at least X cm high to be seen as "biologically accepted" by women?

 

Thanks!

[annie24]

hmmm.... maybe you can offer some more specific examples? maybe some of the women you are talking to just want to be friends? and maybe others are interested, but are waiting for you to make a move?

[ajaxajax]

OK Annie.

 

First off, I found quite a few women to show different signs of attraction that they don't show too much in front of other men, everything from smiling and giggling to inviting me to various events. One lady in high school cuddled me a couple of times near the end of matriculation and another even made a joke like request about getting laid with her. And yet most of them were either with other men or ended up with other men anyway.

 

Then, there's one girl in particular who I still think about. I mentioned it in an earlier post but I'll paste it here anyway (bit of complicated one):

I knew this girl for nearly 5 years from uni. My actual first interaction with her was when I went "ugh" after hearing her crack her lower back during class lol - I apologised after that! At uni, she was one of those people who appeared to actually treat me like a normal human being doing things such as saying "Hey Jason".

 

Anyway, she appeared to be a little bit more interested than just being friends...she became more curious about me, wanting to know more about me etc. She even acted quite flirty sometimes. Then about 18 months after first meeting her, my feelings became deeper. This coincided with her asking me if I can join the uni ball. I said yes, but when I came over, she brought her 1st bf along. Was I heartbroken? Yes. Did I stand firm and tried to chat as much as possible? Sure did.

 

After hearing about her relationship being rocky, I thought I'd ask her out for coffee. I was VERY nervous because I'd look like a jerk asking a girl I like who may or may not have broken up. Anyway, after putting off reading my Email, I finally did. She said yes. We had coffee, but she asked if we are friends because of her bf. I said yes. I ended up crying outside, she didn't know about how deep my feelings were. We still had coffee from time to time...very nice conversations. She even asked if I had a gf. At that time, she acted quite flirty again.

 

Then, a few months after, we met up for coffee but she brought her 2nd bf (I think she's still with him). We still met up sometimes. She even invited me for her 21st. In frustration, I wrote a 4 page "friendly" love letter to her for that birthday. And, I sent it to her...

 

How did she react? Six weeks after the party, she told me that after reading it, she became "all torn up" and ended up crying the whole morning. She said that if I started seeing her (probably while she still saw him), a chain reaction would occur. She still said that I'm wonderful and that she "loves" me as a brother and as a mate. She even cheekily said, "we'll see if I can find you a chic". After that, when we saw each other two more times, she looked more and more edgy. Then, we had a little text fight with me asking on why she appeared so edgy. She said she was happy to see me but she then felt very uncomfortable about her friendly gestures being taken as romantic actions. I always saw them as just friendly, but that didn't mean I could just stop loving her. After that fight, she appeared OK.

 

I still stuck with feelings for her because she is quite a genuine lady and she, even with her bf at that time, appeared to respectfully reciprocate.

 

I just hope that all of the women above did not actually play God. If I didn't appear to act man enough to seize the opportunities, just say so. If they are all biologically cold, just say so too. Anything else, what could all that be?

[annie24]

i think your mistake was continuing to see a woman who brought a bf along on your date. i mean, hellloooo!!!!!! i would have moved on from her at that point. i mean, that's the clearest sign of all that she is not romantically interested in you.

[ajaxajax]

You make me laugh I know what you are saying, the woman and I never had dates. She brought along her bf just that one time - but that was a few months before I even confessed my feelings to her!

 

Me having a formal date with a woman bringing her bf along.. come on!

[Nutz]

It's real. Women often go to clubs and grind up on a bunch of guys (among other things) just to get their attention fill. It bloats their ego and they get validation from it. Just the way it is.

 

I'd say start going to different venues where women don't have such easy means to tool guys like that. And stay the hell away from the dance floor and venues where dancing is the main draw. All that sexual energy is their #1 method for toying with guys.

[annie24]

ok, and all men go to bars to look for their soulmates too. i mean, c'mon, it's a dance club, people go to have fun, and there's nothing really 'leading someone on' about dancing or flirting with them.

[annie24]

You make me laugh I know what you are saying, the woman and I never had dates. She brought along her bf just that one time - but that was a few months before I even confessed my feelings to her!

 

Me having a formal date with a woman bringing her bf along.. come on!

 

i'm just saying at this point.....

 

This coincided with her asking me if I can join the uni ball. I said yes, but when I came over, she brought her 1st bf along. Was I heartbroken? Yes. Did I stand firm and tried to chat as much as possible? Sure did.

 

you should have just moved on and found other women to be interested in. even if it wasn't a real formal date or whatnot, she definitely was sending a message right there bringing along her bf.

[ajaxajax]

Then what's the reality? How the hell am I going to be sure if a woman who acts interested actually IS interested without being scared off by me asking her out a few minutes after introducing myself?

[annie24]

well, you waited 18 months. i think that's too long. i don't know when between those first few minutes of meeting and 18 months you had feelings for her.

 

what i'm trying to say is show some interest, and if a woman does something to show she doesn't have romantic feelings towards you (like bringing along another dude), then just forget about her and move onto the next.

[annie24]

Then what's the reality? How the hell am I going to be sure if a woman who acts interested actually IS interested without being scared off by me asking her out a few minutes after introducing myself?

 

PS - i've had men ask me out within minutes of meeting me, it's never scared me.

[ajaxajax]

And, about your suggestion, if she was occupied, why the HELL would she want to invite me anyway? NO LOGIC AT ALL!

 

Also, I forgot to tell you:

I did drift away from her after bringing her 1st bf along...then I became interested again when I heard that her relationship with him was going on the rocks.

 

I just feel so angry now saying that the whole saga developed because I never knew how to approach women like a man...until it's too late. Besides the biggest reason why I didn't have feelings for her earlier was because I thought she was less than 18 when she actually wasn't...I was kind of put off by the age difference.

[annie24]

And, about your suggestion, if she was occupied, why the HELL would she want to invite me anyway? NO LOGIC AT ALL!

 

Also, I forgot to tell you:

I did drift away from her after bringing her 1st bf along...then I became interested again when I heard that her relationship with him was going on the rocks.

 

because maybe she only wanted to be friends. i think she could have invited you just out of friendship.

 

yeah, but just because you hear a relationship is on the rocks doesn't mean you should swoop in for the kill. they may be working things out. or even if they break up, do you really want to be a rebound relationship? especially if it was a long and meaningful relationship. she needs time alone.

[ajaxajax]

Oh...all that happened within the passage took place 3 years ago. I've had pretty much NC after that...couldn't keep myself being in the background. Even then, could it all just be lost? I can ask other women out and was about to ask one out, but she was still the best woman I've met. Yes, there will be others but she'd be hard to top.

[annie24]

you will meet someone even better - AND she'll be receptive to your advances!!!

[ajaxajax]

I'll tell you one thing Annie...that won't happen, if I keep stuffing up like I did

[annie24]

no, don't get down on yourself!!!! you seem like a guy with a big heart, with a lot of love to give to the right woman. i know it's hard when you meet someone you like, to have hope that they will break up with their SO, that they want you too..... etc.... but you have to try to keep control of your emotions and keep meeting new women and getting out there and not getting too fixated on any one person until you have some sort of relationship going.

[ajaxajax]

Well, I'll just have to hope - and pray - that the next girl I go with is receptive...and is not second best.