I would rather never to of loved, this loss i think ruined my life (addict)

[Ignotus]

I don't know where to really start here, but I have had a problem with drug addiction for a few years now. I've always, even as a child, remember being lured somehow to drugs and starting smoking pot at a young age. I was in the 'gifted' program in junior high, and i was always in the math class ahead of everyone, but I still could manage to lead the double life.

 

Then when I got a job at 15 I had already grazed into low dose painkillers but with the job and new friends i met there I soon began buying more and eventually ended up using oxycontin for awhile and not long after I turned 16 I switched to heroin because not only was I drawn to it, but it was cheaper.

sorry for length

I already loved the oxycontin but I could use heroin multiple times a day, every day. Cutting it short some, I stole and did whatever I could and most of my senior year in high school I was working a full time job on graveyard shift. Of course a lot of this is addiction talking, but I actually didn't have much of a problem with this. I didn't sleep much, but I could afford my habit, keep up my gpa, and still enjoy my math class.

Now couple years later, I have recently come back from 7 months of training in the army that I went to as a desperate attempt to stop living in a cheap apartment and try to quit. I have been clean for 7 months now, minus a few painkillers that i slipped with.

 

My main question is, does anyone know if I will ever be close to normal again. I'm going to force myself to keep going and go to college since its paid for and im in the reserves. I just want to know if I will ever be able to stop these long nights of being depressed, drunk, and thinking of my old habits. I don't even drink much because its not that satisfying and as oddly as it seems, I didn't mind being a junkie, but I would like to avoid being an alcoholic.

 

Opiates (family of narcotics that heroin comes from, derived from opium) didn't slow me down, nobody could ever tell, I could do anything I would normally do as long as I don't overheat. I just don't get the point in this, if I'm going to be living like this for years and years I am going to just quit now and not force myself to live a miserable life. I'd rather die before I hit 25 then live constantly knowing that the greatest thing I will ever experience I have already lived and will never see again.

 

Thank you if you actually read this entire thing.

[DJBaby]

It sounds like you really need drug counseling. Good luck

[gold.spruce]

You need some help sweetie.

 

If you can't find it in you to go to your loved ones for help, you can go to your doctor for a referral to either a local community program or private treatment.

 

In all sincerity, if you were to read your post in a sober state...you would see that you do need some assistance.

 

And to be honest, most everyone who knows you well sees it too.

 

You are already asking yourself why you are doing what you doing, which is a good sign. Keep listening to your gut...you know what you are doing is not right. You are not you on these drugs...so of course you don't know what is normal or not...but the truth is...you are not your normal self if you are using. And that's that.

 

There are people ready to help and support you. Know that. You are not alone.

[Ignotus]

its not that I am still using anymore. I;ve been sober for 8 or 9 months now, its just that I don't know where to go from here, or if my feelings toward the subject will ever change

[greensleeves]

Congratulations on staying clean for so many months. That takes a great deal of strength and you should be very proud of yourself. Many former addicts have gone on to lead normal, healthy and productive lives and you can do the same. You were young when this happened, so don't beat yourself up about some mistakes you may have made...it's all in the past. Try to focus on the positive.

 

I agree with the advice that some counselling might be beneficial for you, it would help you to talk this out with someone who has a better understanding of these issues. You may have to delve into the reasons that you have an addictive personality and a counsellor will be able to provide you with the tools to move on and keep this from happening to you in the future as you'll have to be careful not to use alcohol as a replacement. Maybe some Narcotics Anonymous meetings would also help you. Good luck.