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Better to bring up the things that bother you, or keep to yourself?


jenm

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I have a question about communication in a relationship. I find myself constantly wondering where the line is between standing up for myself and being a nag. If something's sort of eating away at you, and you know it makes you uncomfortable but you're not totally sure if you're justified in having a problem with it, do you tell your SO or keep it to yourself? On the one hand, I sort of hate the idea of making myself seem vulnerable by voicing insecurities about the relationship. But then on the other hand, I hate the feeling that I can't fully enjoy the relationship because I have these little issues nagging away in the back of my mind.

 

Any insights?

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I think the thing is whether or not the "issue" is something you can change or resolve.

Example....you're b/f / g/f is ALWAYS late and it bothers you...this is something you can communicate with them and maybe come to a compromise. if it's something UNchangable..without a LOT of effort, ie..you are in a long distance relationship, and it's too hard for you, etc...then bringing it up all the time is not going to resolve anything.

So...how "fixable" is the issue you're talking about and the advice will likely vary...

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I think you're talking about "choosing your battles". Well you do have to choose! But how is where it gets tricky. If it IS eating away at you then I'd say yeah you have to bring it up.

 

Might I ask what specifically is the situation that is eating you up?

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When something bothers you, mention it. I think it is something many people tend to forget or they tell themselves it is a bad thing to mention such thoughts no matter how little;they bother you, therefore in a loving relationship you should mention it. Communication is key, if you just tell him in a calm way there's no reason for him not to just talk to you about it, and comfort you. If you don't, they will only eat away at you more.

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When something bothers you, mention it. I think it is something many people tend to forget or they tell themselves it is a bad thing to mention such thoughts no matter how little;they bother you, therefore in a loving relationship you should mention it. Communication is key, if you just tell him in a calm way there's no reason for him not to just talk to you about it, and comfort you. If you don't, they will only eat away at you more.

 

Very good advice.

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It's a LDR, and the specific issue has to do with his maintaining friendships with women he's been involved with in the past and hanging out one-on-one with them when I'm not around. I guess the problem is that I don't want him to stop doing it -- I do trust that nothing's going on -- I just sort of want him to acknowledge that it bothers me a little, and to understand why. I want him to be extra careful about maintaining really obvious boundaries, etc.

 

The thing is that we've sort of talked about that stuff, but there are a couple of specific things that still bother me and that never got talked out. I don't want to nag him about it, but I have this vague uncomfortable feeling and I want it to go away so that I can just appreciate the relationship (which is amazing in all other respects).

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We tell each other everything that bothers us.

If we try and hide them, it bubbles over into the relationship anyway and we can tell when something is bothering the other person because the behaviors and actions clearly reflect it.

We keep things open, even if it feels like nagging, just getting it off your chest to the other person can be important.

It's never been a problem, and it doesn't feel like nagging because its something we TALK about, and the way you present it and DISCUSS it can have a great affect as to how it comes accross.

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Cast another vote for communication... but as long as it is not too many issues all at once or it will come accross as nagging. As well, a good strategy is to bring up the issue right at the time it happens so it is recent, immediately evident, and doesn;t give the optic that you are dwelling on it at length.

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