Please help!! 911!!

[losinghope]

Well I"m really depressed and my health is getting bad because of this situation. My ex of four years broke up with Feb 11 of this year. We had broken up before and gotten back but the last time we got back together which was may of last year, we promised that this would be the last time we would do this. We would work it out and if anything went wrong then we would call it quits. Anyways, he broke up with me and i took it really bad, i was on the floor crying. He wasn't that upset about it, he showed like he didn't care. He said that he didn't see himself with me because we are two different people. he said he's been thinking about it for awhile but that doesn't make sense since he bought me a valentine's day gift that he was going to give me for valentines' day. I don't think there was another person involved because he's the type of person that would tell me. He was the dominant one in the relationship and i was the weaker one. He wasn't treating me good towards the end. He wasn't making me the priority and kept saying how he was unhappy and how i dodn't trust him,etc. He says he does love me and says that he's in love with me but can't be with me. I don' know what to do, i really want him back and I haven't called him ever since that day. He said that it wouldn't be healthy for us to speak to each other until we get over each other. but honestly he's a weird guy sometimes he doesn't go by what he says and that's why i'm still having hope that he would come back. Every time we break up for about a month, he comes back and starts calling me and we get back. this time we broke up, he called me the next morning to see how i was doing, he texted me late night of valentines day and called me, i didn't pick up, he called me about a week later and left a message, i didn't call back, his mom and sister called me to see how i'm doing and to see if they could fix this. and he called me on friday about two weeks ago to have lunch and i politely declined. Ever since then, there has been no contact. I haven't called and neither has he. He's talked to my cousin online and has not brought up my name. His mom called me two days ago to see how i was doing. I told her i was doing good and when he would call me i would act like nothing happened, happy like i moved on. I've pretty much done everything i could of but nothing seems to be working. I love him very much and i don't want this to be the end. We were each other's first everything. He's 25 and i'm 22. I have been a great girlfriend to him and i think he took advantage of that. I'm currently in med school and he's an engineer. This has affected my school work soo much so that i might fail out. Please help me! Is what i'm doing the right thing? Oh and i forgot to mention, tonight when i looked at his website i noticed a pic of him that has himself with new contacts and a pierced ear. He would never do that and now all of a sudden he's changing his appearance. WHat does that mean? does he even miss me?! it doesn't seem like it. Please reply morrigan and whoever reads this. I need advice! thanks!! sorry it's soo long...

[losinghope]

does he think i moved on, and he gave up on me????? Please guys make me feel better cause i losing hope slowly. I feel alone.... does this no contact rule work in my situation??? I was thinking of calling him sometime soon.... I don't want to lose him out of my life...

[viola]

hello

u may dont like my advice but that is how i see it should be ..

u have to really tray to move on and if it will make u feel better call him and see how is he doing, u may feel better or worse but i think it will help then tray to forget, go out with ur friends get all ur time busy, tray not to think about him ..

i know i didnt help much ..

but as i said give him a call and see what will happen..

good luck

[ImfeelingBlue]

Hey losinghope,

Now I'm not saying I can give you law about what's going to happen but advice and my opinion is the best I can serve up. Losing a loved one in a relationship can be hard and devastating. Its alright to feel how you're feeling(the moping,the constant worry). Its sometimes hard to move on when you've been so used to that person for so long. But don't put yourself down about this either. I see you say he was the more dominant one and you were the weaker. Well its time to change roles a bit don't you think maam? First, don't see yourself as weak. You're going thru a process, keep positive as much as possible. You love yourself first, how can you love someone else when its not even existing toward you? Second, is he really worth all this energy of failing med school? You're a very bright young woman and I know its hard but don't let it affect your life so much that it makes everything else slope downhill. He sounds like a real heartbreaker and very immature about what he wants to me. Remember this is my opinion. Telling you how bad you are at this and that isn't someone who you want to stick around in your life is it? Now I know you love him so because you gave your all. That's what happens sometimes. Now about him contacting you these various times....I believe 2 possible things. 1) he maybe starting to see the light and realizing the consequences and the feelings of missing you. The calling for a date, or the just to say hello. He even got his mother involved somehow. Maybe its actually going your way. But will you want him after he finally comes out with the I want you back? Will you really want to patch things up at a chance things might be as they were b4 instead of the equal balance? Or 2) he may just be trying to fill the space with someone he needs to talk to cause you aren't there anymore. It sounds like he's trying to push you off but at the same time keep you at a distance that's good enough for him I don't know sweetie. The best thing is to just take it slow. You could try and talk to him but make it brief and aloof as possible. Hear what he has to say. Does it sound like he's #1 or #2 of your possiblilties I listed?..this is just how I would handle it, maybe there is better advice for you on top of mine. But whatever the case, you are young, aspiring, and can do anything you choose. Don't spend forever waiting on someone cause while you're at this standstill...opportunities could be passing you by. Take care and respect yourself first before anyone else. Life's too short. God Bless. =0)

[GeeCee]

Hey Losinghope

 

Now this is going to sound silly, but the first thing I would like you to do on your personal journey of recover is change your name - Losinghope? There is always hope. In the most desperate situation there is hope. let's try and focus on the positive things here. And there are positive things.

 

You are young, and whether you believe it or not right now, you will get over this, honey. Whatever the outcome.

You are bright - in med school - don't waste this fantastic opportunity. If you can do nothing else, continue with your studies. By all means, drink too much on occasion, don't eat healthily on occasion, rant and rave and scream on occasion. Work on one thing at a time. But keep the studying going. Keeping yourself busy has a lot of benefits.

 

He's the dominant one - OK - if that works for you. But does he value your opinion, does he listen to you? If yes, that's all good - he can be as dominant as you are comfortable with. If no, there is a problem.

 

I agree with another poster on here - start to build yourself up. This is going to take an extreme effort on your part. I know this from my own experience. I am confident, extrovert, happy with myself - but when my ex dumped me, I started to challenge just what type of person I was.

 

Start to get angry - positive emotion - anger for the way he has treated you. Anger for your situation - much better than self-pity.

 

Now, you might not like this bit - at all.

 

He wasn't treating me good towards the end. He wasn't making me the priority and kept saying how he was unhappy and how i dodn't trust him,etc.

 

I realise that I am much older than you, and so have the benefit for more hindsight than you, but this is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If he is treating you badly now, he will always treat you badly - you enter a cycle of dependency that is impossible to break. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. You are worth more than this.

 

If he cannot treat you as you should be treated, he is not worth of you. And, as much as it hurts now, it will be better for you in the long run.

 

So, you have some hope - he cares enough to put out feelers as to how you are doing. He wants to assuage some of the guilt he is feeling. I hate the no-contact rule - absolutely hate it, but I think in your fragile emotional state, you have to consider that it has benefits for you. You need to start the process of self-healing, build up your confidence and no contact, although it hurts, bloody hurts hard, allows you the freedom to do this.

 

So cry and rage and be angry. But start to build up yourself before you can even think about dealing with him and his emotions.

 

Losinghope - I truly hope that this is useful for you.

 

I know that you are in pain - use this forum to vent some of that - and slowly you will begin to heal.

 

Feel free to PM me again, if I can help.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[Rainy]

Hi, loosinghope!!

 

 

i agree with the other posters!!, you are a very bright academic girl and it would be do silly to fail medical school for a guy, i know you love him so much and i know you are suffering and i know its hard and you feel so raw!! but you have to keep busy and not waste your future career and life!!

 

 

 

I dont know the best advice to give you, and thats being honest!!,

 

I think he cares very much about you and so does his family, if they have went out there way to contact you!!

 

As far as i can see it has been a month that you both split up!!

 

You said he treats you badly and that you are the weaker one in the relationship, but at the moment i think your the strong one as he is calling you to see how you are and your not replying thats takes STRENTGH!!!

 

You may have been weak in the past but it is showing that your reversing your role , which is a very good thing - so well done!!!

 

Do you really want him back?, if some nice man came by and asked you out and would treat you like a princess and you did fancy him, what do you think you would honestly do?,,

 

Maybe in time, when you feel ready and is the best time for YOU to contact him and see what he has to say, just a simple hi how are you? is all thats needed, but that is if you want him back!!

 

Im being truthful I dont know if you both will get back together, maybe he realises that he isnt treating you like you deserve and needs to find out why!!

 

whatever you do goodluck!!

 

If you want me to ever give you advice feel free to ask!!!

take care

[spatzcolumbo]

You HAVE to look after yourself first. I know that you feel that the only way you can look after yourself is to get him back, but it is not the case.

 

I felt like that a whlie ago - about 3 months ago. I was so unhappy in everything in my life when we split, and the split just made things 100 times worse. but you know, three months down the line i am feeling a lot better. I am still hopeful that stuff could sort out, but i don't think i'd even be in with a shot if i hadn't sorted myself out.

 

concentrate on yourself...get yourself to somewhere you can be happy with who you are and your life. Without him. Because as harsh as it is, thats the reality. If you get him back then its a bonus.

 

As regrads no contact, tell him how it is. tell him taht you'll be fine as long as he gives you the space you need to get over this. Tell him that is what you need. Once you have done this you may find that he starts to come back...only time can tell.

 

i know taht probably doesnt help, but give it a go. you might surprise yourself.

 

Good luck, take care.

[SincerlyHurt]

LosingHope: It appears to be your time to figure out who you are without an attachment to anyone else. In my short experience that has been the hardest of all. When you are with someone for such a lengthy time they become part of your identity, part of you. The first thing I think anyone should do upon a breakup is step back and figure out just who you really are. You may be surprised. It will change you, it has changed me for the better. I am more outgoing and have gotten close again to my friends.

 

At this point you need to assume, or at the very least develop the outlook that your relationship is indeed over. Get out there, go out with friends, start networking. You are fortunate that you are at an age where there are alot of other singles, and they are relatively easy to find too. Go on about your life, be independent, show him you can make it without him. Learn yourself, build confidence.

 

The no contact rule should be used, to what extent is different for everyone IMO. If he was not treating you well in the end and you all get back together do you think his treatment of you will change? Probably not. What this guy needs is a mild shock. You need to be noticeably not there for him for a while so he has the possibility of realizing what he is losing. You need to be selfish right now and improve on yourself before you can improve on each other. Figure out what it is you want in life. I know you think right now he is everything you want, but that will change with time. When I first was dumped just over a month ago all I could do was think about how she was perfect, how she is irreplaceable, how I loved all her traits. Well after pondering a while do you know what I realized? I realized, after thinking back, that at first she was not perfect, that there were many things I did not like about her in the beginning. What changed all that is that we grew together and grew to love each others flaws to the point where they were unnoticeable. With that realization I came to the conclusion that there is someone else out there that could fulfill my needs, I just need to give them a chance. What I am trying to convey is that he is not the only one for you, you may not see it now but you will. I dont buy into the soulmate thing, I think the possibilities for love are endless. Everyone is unique in their own special way. Open your eyes and look beyond him for now. Stop worrying so much about reconciling and live for yourself. If he comes back to you y'all can cross that bridge then. But remember, give him space so that if he does come back he is doing it on his own account, for himself and not out of pity for you.

 

Remember above all else, this is not the end of your world. This is the end of one chapter and the beginning of another and as we all know, the farther you delve into that book the better it gets. Be happy, do something to get a release everyday. Don't wait by the phone for the next text message or call, adjust to not being able to pick up the phone and share you day with him. It's all about making the little adjustments, changing the routine. The hardest part for me is not being able to just call her whenever I want. She still calls regularly and we make great small talk but it's just not the same. So I adjusted. Make small adjustments each day. Put any of his stuff you might have away, out of sight and out of mind (at least we hope so).

 

Be selfish above all else, make this juncture in your life all about YOU. You will learn yourself and become a better person in the process. Life is full of possibilities, get out there.

[losinghope]

thanks for any advice that you guys have been giving me. I'm trying to focus on myself, but it's hard. If you guys have any inputs, I would be really glad to read them. cause this is what is really helping me cope with this situation, your responses. They are keeping me going. I just really need to get my hope back. Just want some reassurance that's all.

[whitefang]

Hi losinghope,

 

There come a point in everyone's relationship when we all have to face acceptance that the person that we were with isn't the one even if you feel they were. Learning to forget is another one of life's hurdles which we have to get over, some how. You should try forgetting him, and move on i know it sounds easy to say but, once you start doing it eventually you'll begin to get used to it. I've been after a girl for ages and i asked her out and she turned me down and i haven't been able to do any college work and it's caused me to really fall behind in my assignments. Don't let depressions get the better of you, go out and pamper yourself, have fun with friends and do things with your family get your mind off of him. I know it's hard letting go of someone you've loved for a long time but if it doesn't work out the best you can ever hope for is that your both friends at the end, even thought the feelings will always be there in both of you. Moving on is the best thing you can do...

 

I'd give you a hug, but i cant fit through the monitor... lol .

 

Hope this has helped ,

 

- whitefang

[neva_black_n_white]

dont worry about it being so long, like the majority of us, its probably a rare occasion that you want to spill your heart out so when you do you have to say everything making sure you dont miss any gaps.

 

it seems that he has shown an interest to continuously call, etc, but it seems odd that you declined so much even when your heart longed to know how he felt for you. maybe this isnt something you should have done. were you trying no contact?

 

i believe that the kwy point and something that stood out in your post was how you mentioned the roles that you played within the relationship, in reality that reflects the mood you both experianced after, because you were to be weaker this is likely to be why you broke down and possibly not expecting this having tried to prevent it since this was the last shot, however he was dominant more collected and ready to break up, although this may seem like he didnt care this might be wrong due to the plannign of this day.

 

i think with him checking up he does care but being bpushed away and hiding how you feel, i feel thats a mixture of why he hasnt called and maybe you feeling you should be in control at the moment.

 

for me, if i was in your situation, i would hope that my mind could be emptied of any hope, as hope sometimes prolongs pain, you dont want someone who can call you after a month and its back on, despite love, this is not a proper relationship.

 

i believe that you should meet up and find out his intentions, despite him being changed in appearance at heart i believe you should know him. i think you will see it in his eyes. like he unexpectidly ended it, you unexpectidly find out why he is doing this and what he wants.

 

you need this to free your mind and if it comes to it. move on.

have strength on this one.

kel

[losinghope]

I just looked at my email and saw that he sent a forwarded email to me and three other people showing a link of his new look. I responded back with a brief email back saying that i thought it was a nice look. nothing big. Hopefully this is a start to something good. i just don't want to get my hopes up. But I"m still going to have no contact as far as not calling him and so forth.

[Derek]

SincerelyHurt wrote a great post there. Live your life as best you can, that just makes your ex burn, realizing they are missing out and as they find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side, they become humbled.

 

I agree, to get into a more mature place with regards to this guy that dumped you, you've got to get your own independence going. Live life, get back in touch with friends and family, girls and guys. Let his memory fade by pushing it out with all sorts of new memories and experiences.

Don't forget to finish your schooling, getting any piece of paper (diploma) is your ticket to a good quality of life and independence too.

 

Him, hearing about your new independence and self esteem, may make him interested again. And even if he doesn't, it will put you in a better position for the next guy that may be around the corner. The next guy may treat you as more of a partner perhaps, where the two of you can collaborate in your mischief together. Having a new attitude that you are a prize that guys should fight for will attract more mature guys for you too!

 

 

 

[losinghope]

He wrote back an email saying:

 

Hi.

I'm doing ok, how about yourself? how's school? i hope it's going well.

You only gotta really hang in there for, what, 2 more months? Not too bad

at all. Let me know if you need anything....

 

I'm thinking about peircing the other ear too. Definitely getting the

diamond studs, and I will be dying the hair black like we talked about a

while ago.

 

 

And that's it. it seems like a friendly letter to me. what do you think? keep in mind that we haven't spoken in like 2 weeks and broken up for 5 weeks. I was expecting a little more with the whole no contact deal. i'm really sad and debating whether to write back. he went from calling me to emails?? why am i regressing? please help!! what should i do??

[Hopingpraying]

Losinghope,

 

I am a little leary of a guy who breaks up with someone and then thinks he needs to go out and change everything about himself. I would think that he has some insecurities. I could be wrong on that, but if you are happy with who you are you don't generally need to change yourself like that.

 

I don't know if you were to get back with him that things would be any better than they were before. He may have some unresolved issues he needs to work through.

 

Your situation doesn't have an easy answer, although I don't think anybodies situation is easy, or has an answer that is right there... Boy I am a ton of help aren't I???

[bamboo]

Hi LosingHope. Hope you're doing better now. I really think you should refrain from emailing him. No contact means no contact. He's tried other ways to contact you and you were strong enough to resist. It's not fair that he is emailing you now when you really don't need him messing about with your head. You have to focus on yourself now and that's not easy if he is emailing you. Don't encourage him by replying. I know it's unbelievably hard to resist but you need to show him you are fine without him. If he eventually thinks he might want you back he can come to you himself. Otherwise he should really leave you alone for now.

 

Focus on your studies for now. You will really regret it if you let him ruin med school for you. Months from now you will look back and with hindsight will wonder why you were acting and feeling like this, but most importantly you don't want to look back and have regrets regarding how you treated yourself. Yes life throws crap at us but it's how we deal with it that's important, how we manage to stay strong and how we manage to keep our sense of self.

 

I know exactly how you are feeling right now and can completely empathize. We have to stay positive and we will get through this. Take care x

[The Morrigan]

I agree with bamboo and the others - you have to put yourself first - and right now I don't think you're at a point emotionally where you could respond and really not mind which way or even if he replied in return - which is going to take away mor energy you need to be investing in yourself right now.

 

If he REALLY wants to find out what's up that badly, he can try a little harder than a lukewarm email, especially knowing you're trying to keep up with your studies.

 

You first, you first you first - chant it like a mantra if you must - but don't let him undermine what ground you've gained here, ok?

[vfunkera]

Hey guys,

 

You need to put your self first and move on. Ways of doing this:

 

Firstly write a goodbye poem or letter. Then stick it in a bottle and throw it out in the sea or attach it to a helium balloon to be carried away.

Do something you wouldn't normally do to celebrate your "singleness."

 

Have a girl's or guy's night out. Throw a small party. The fun of letting loose and being surrounded with your close friends can make anyone feel better. Spend time with your friends.

 

Gather everything that reminds you of your past love and put it in a box specifically for this. Then give it to a friend or store it somewhere where you won't see or think about it. When you're ready you can either throw away the box or keep it for memory's sake.

 

Start a new exercise or well-being plan. It never hurts to take time to look good, and it will hurt them even more.

 

Start a posting here. Rant and complain. Reply to other topics. The point of this is to clear your thoughts and keep you busy. In a few weeks you will be able to read your entries to discover new things and trends about yourself.

 

Join a new interest group. It's never to early too meet new friends and, at least this way, you'll already have one thing in common.

 

Pick out an inspirational book or movie to read or watch whenever you start feeling down or depressed. Take yourself out on a date, even if it's a night alone watching your favorite programs and eating your favorite foods. Do the things you said you always wanted to do when you were with your partner but somehow never did. Rent a few romantic movies or read a few romance novels to remind yourself that love does still have happy endings.

 

Learn something new. Take a foreign language or art course, or buy a how-to computer program. Get a new look.

 

Social events, which ones you'd like to attend or things you'd like to do. Browse your city's web site or the entertainment section of your local newspaper to find out ideas, dates and times.

 

Redecorate your space. Start off by cleaning out everything and throwing away anything you don't use or need anymore.

 

Oh and concentrate on your studies, they should keep your mind busy.

 

Im out of breathe.

[disEnchantid]

what a great post vfunkera! We should start a new thread of "things to do to keep your mind off the ex and help improve your mood". I like finding a good escapist miniseries at the video store...it draws you in and keeps your mind occupied for hours and hours, and the longer you can go without thinking about your ex, the more you get used to not thinking about your ex ;-) I recommend the Forsyte Saga, lots of drama to keep you involved and at least twelve hours long. Or try reading the book

[melrich]

Hi Losinghope. You messaged me and asked me to reply so here goes. I read your post and it is not dissimilar to an experience I went through, a break, then back together, then break up again. I am sure this is a common theme in many relationships. The trouble with being the "dumped" partner is that you have no control over the situation and that is what you are going through now. No contact is all you can do, it is the only discipline you have in this situation. But do not confuse it with a tactic to get back together, it is not. It is a way of coping, it is a way of making the pain go quicker. The truth about getting back together is all circumstances are different and what may work for one relationship may not for the other. Sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder, sometimes out of sight out of mind. Also you should not read too much into little things, the valentines day present, the email etc. These are probably just innocent gestures on his behalf. If what he is teeling you is that it is over, you can only accept that. If he is saying he just wants a break, give it to him. But if he is just riding rough shod over your feelings and needs he is not in love with you, not in the way you would want someone to anyway. Humans do not consciously hurt the people they are in love with, it is just not our nature. We do hurt the people we take for granted, we do hurt people we perceive need us more than we need them and we do hurt people we have no real feelings for one way or another. you should ask yourself is he treating you in a way you would treat someone you love. Be honest. If the answer is no then I think you have the answer to all your questions.

[Derek]

Though I know the general idea is true that "if he Loves me, then he'll treat me right" and for this thread, that's good advice to cut through the confusion of the situation.

 

But I'd like to disagree with this part:

"Humans do not consciously hurt the people they are in love with, it is just not our nature."

 

People are selfish. Sometimes you do hurt people, sometimes for their sake, (like calling someone out on an addiction), or sometimes for your own sake (lying to them). Humans can be selfish, even against our own children's interests if you can imagine that. So even though we "love" each other, love is not a perfectly pure institution.

 

Love is about willing oneself to put the other person's cares above your own, even in times when you don't like them.

 

 

[melrich]

Derek,

I understand what you are saying. But note in my post I said "consciously". Some people have anti-social or psychopathic personalities that do not enable them to understand the impact their actions have on other people so even though they may do things that hurt people they are in love with, they do not know they are doing it. Note I also said "consistently". Sure we all blow our tempers occasionally and do things to hurt people we love and we feel bad about it afterward. But we don't do it consistently or over the longer term, if someone is consistently doing things consciously that hurt a person they love, then they are either not in love with that person or they have a personality disorder, because it is not the normal state of affairs. Finally I agree that we will occassinally have to hurt someone we love in order to help them, as you rightly point out. But we do this with good intentions, again not to consciously and deliberately provide hurt.

[Derek]

*bow* Richgabe,

 

I stand corrected that you did qualify your original post.

 

=)