Once a Cheater Always a Cheater!

[Just Me85]

I wanted to share this.

 

I might risk causing some controversy with what I am about to say so I hope it doesnt offend anybody.

 

I know a lot of people on here have a very negative view on "cheating" but in a lot of situations I feel people see things too much in black and white. When it comes to cheating there are a lot of things to consider. I actually think in a lot of cases its not as simple as black and white and there is a massive grey area.

 

Only you know if you can trust them.

 

There was a very grey area at the beginning of my relationship where the relationship itself had not been defined. Firstly it was a LDR, we would talk on the phone and we were best friends and I started to fall in love with him. Our problem was a lack of communication, I was scared to ask where I stood in case of rejection and I think he was too so we kinda sunk into an FWB situation as he had said he was not sure if he was ready to have a relationship.

 

I had fallen for him but tried to keep my distance because I did not want to get hurt as he did not want a girlfriend. I made two terrible mistakes within that final year of uni and decided not to tell him about it.

 

When I came back from uni, he told me he was in love with me and I felt the same but at the same time I was guilty and told him of one of the incidents. He was really torn up and from the beginning this gave him insecurity issues with me however we got together and stayed together for nearly 2 years.

 

Best 2 years of my life I can honestly say. In recent months, he became distant and started accusing me and asking questions about uni. The guilt came back and I ended up telling him about the second ONS (happened before we got together properly) but it totally broke him.

 

The last thing he ever said was that he hates me and Im a liar and a cheat and that I cheated on him twice and Im going to hell..you know all that jazz. He was completely heartbroken and refuses to talk so we have been NC for about a month although a couple of time I attempted contact.

 

So for those who believe once a cheater always a cheater? Do you think that makes me a terrible person?

 

I still love him with all my heart and absolutely pray that he can somehow give me another chance.

 

See, how could it ever happen again when I love him so much and I would know where I stood?

 

I made my mistakes and have actually taken a vow of celibacy until the right person comes along (which I hope will be him someday).

 

I swear if he ever came back I would actually propose to this guy.

 

Maybe I am a bit naive, I tend to see the best in people and I think that can get me into a lot of trouble sometimes.

 

(One of the incidents I was paraletic and a "friend" offered to look after me, I passed out. I still dont remember if anything actually happened. And the other I kept saying no, I was also drunk but he just wouldnt take it for an answer)

 

I have lost all my self respect, but since uni I never let myself get that drunk again, I think I used to have a bit of an alcohol problem.

 

I just pray he could come back to me but he hates me now so its unlikely.

[poison ivy]

Hey,

I can totally relate to this story as I was in a very similar situation with a guy that I was dating and an ex. What happened was that we also fell into some non defined relationship and never said we were exclusive. So, when I saw my ex for the first time in a long time, and emotions flared - I ended up having sex with him. I then found myself in this really awkward position where I didn't know what to do. Tell the guy I am dating? Am I obligated? In the end, I couldn't keep going without saying something, so within two days of it happening, I told him. He had a similar reaction, said he was devastated and needed time to think. He said he realised that we were in a non committal thing and that he shouldn't feel the way he did, but that he did anyway. I remember feeling SO GUILTY. It was all that I could think about. I was consumed by it...and interestingly enough it made my feelings for him so much stronger. I was just convinced that I was totally in love...

 

But then I went overseas for 4 months. It had been preplanned, and by the time I left we'd sort of reconciled without any discussion (again) about being devoted to each other in any way. It was kind of bye, see where life takes us....and so that is what happened. While I was away, my feelings for him totally changed. I never thought about him, or hardly at all, and realised that I wasn't actually ever in love with him but that I overcompensated due to feeling so guilty about what I had done.

 

Anyway, I bring that up because I think it is another relevant example of "cheating" in the grey area. What are your thoughts?

[Just Me85]

I really understand what your going through.

 

However, in my situation I dont believe Im overcompensating over guilt, the guilt for me is a massive thorn in my side and I do believe its making it harder to try and move on because I truly loved him and sometimes I get so ANGRY at the injustice of it all.

 

It feels a little like Ive been wrongly judged and like I am doing time for a crime I did not realise was a crime.

 

I am a totally faithful person and I have never cheated on a boyfriend until this grey incident and now I feel branded.

 

Cheater, liar, s***

 

I really love him and would do ANYTHING to get him to understand but I dont think theres anything I can do. I have tried sending a letter and calling but to no avail so I have gone NC.

 

I still feel myself waiting for him because our love was true and I put myself in his shoes and I would have tried to forgive him if it was the other way around.

 

When he was angry after finding out and shouting and crying, he told me he had lied to me too and that I was actually his first. Could this have magnified his emotions?

 

I wish someone had the answers for me. But I wanted to share my experiences because there are some people who cheat on purpose and who are bad, but also if you are in love please think before you act.

 

I have complete admiration for anyone who forgives someone in my situation, its what I pray for everyday

[offplanet]

It's really not fair for you to be made to feel bad over those ONS's, because he had indicated to you that he didn't want a g/f, and was not ready for a relationship. What did he expect?? You only took him at his word. I bet if he'd said he wanted you to be his g/f, you'd have been 100% faithful. Anyway, its not cheating if you and he were not even in a committed relationship.

 

If I was you I would refuse to take the blame at all, don't apologize or ask for forgiveness. He is the one who stuffed you around by not giving you the right messages. Keep your dignity, if he ever does make contact again, and don't be apologetic. Be matter of fact about it. Point out that he had not wanted to commit, and you had taken that seriously. Whatever you did in between is not even really his business to ask about.

 

offplanet

[TechResQ]

You are correct, there are grey areas to every story. I think your situation is a bit different than a lot of other couples. You were pretty unclear on where your relationship was going and it wasn't as though you were in a committed relationship with him at the time. Or at least it didn't seem that way from your story.

 

Maybe if you wrote him and tried to explain it.?? He is obviously hurt by your confession, but he has to realize your indiscretions were early on in the relationship, NOT after you had been together and committed to one another.

 

Can you try explaining it that way?

 

Hope I'm making sense...

[freefromu]

i agree with offplanet that you don't even need to feel guilty. i even feel that he actually didn't have the "right" to be angry, but of course, you don't say this to him. but i can understand it will hurt him because he loves you.

 

sweetie, there is one lesson to be learned here. ok, you may not agree with me, many people may not agree with me. is just my own opinion. i feel that you need not tell him everything about yourself, like what you did in uni. of course, is no use crying over spilt milk now. but dear, there is no need to report everything, esp things that you know had happened and will hurt him. if you have a new boyfriend, maybe you would like to remember this.

 

as long as you can bring happiness to the man you love, that is good enough. you don't have to come clean with every detail. there is no need to, he is not God, you don't have to account to him.

 

and i do no agree with "once a cheater always a cheater." i believe in love, when you truly love someone , you will not cheat.

 

i wish you all the best.

[Just Me85]

I love him so much

 

I just want him back more than anything. The trust it completely gone and he actually hates me. Its been 3 weeks now do you think he will ever come around?

[freefromu]

i think that your uni history had always bothered him. you had been with him for two years, but he had never let it go. it was only recently he brought it up again because it was eating at him. you said you two were happy over the two years, by right the love should had deepened. i think he is having a mental block. he chooses not to let it go, he chooses not to "forgive" you at this moment. ( please note that i do not even think you are at fault ) i do not know what will happen, but i feel that if his love for you is big enough, he will come back. if he doesn't, please don't beat yourself up. it just mean that he is not the one. you do not want to be with a man who dosen't love you enough.

 

i also want to share with you something about forgiveness. to forgive someone can be learned by external help or reason. i cheated before, big time, my husband forgave me quickly. i asked him how did you and could you do that? he said, he learned it from jesus. if we want god to forgive our sins, we must learn to forgive others too. i also think that to be able to do this may need maturity and comes with age, i am not sure. my husband and me are not young, he is late 30s, when you are older, you let things go easier. One day your boyfriend may turn around too.

[Kantriakhor]

A cheater is always a cheater UNLESS they can change the situation and how they act towards the situation that initiated the cheating to begin with. It takes work, and people by and large are lazy.