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advice or a swift kick in the butt???


rythaman
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ok I think I'm starting to get the hang of this advice forum thing...my apologies to everyone for posting the same thing two times before...in the wrong area. So anyway here's the deal....

 

I'm sure you get tons of e-mail on this subject...probably some worse scenarios than what I have, but, I guess it's all a question of how close to the situation you are that determines the pain you feel right?

 

Anyway...I spent last year dating and getting to know this wonderful woman. We ultimately got married this past Sept.. Now, of course we had our differences, arguments and problems but overall I think we did well together. So, the surprise I felt in starting divorce proceedings in Oct. is still in me. Yes that's right I walked away from a very healthy and wonderful marraige. I still do not fully realize why I did it. A little study on the internet and some talking to old friends points to a rather ugly pattern of evasion and laziness. It seems that I have always walked away from relationships in the past that were fine. An unwillingness to commit and work on it or suddenly feeling hemmed in and needing more self-time, a little leaning toward co-dependency. I'm getting things figured out and am heading toward healing myself. Which brings me to the problem. When I walked out that door last Oct. I hurt a very wonderful woman badly and to my surprise for the first time in my life I hurt myself too. I knew I was making the mistake of a lifetime, but stubborness and pride and frustration at not knowing how to communicate with her kept me from being a real adult and working things out with her. Now I sit alone at night and wonder at how things might have been. Well as luck would have it we made peace and talk as friends still. I finally got up the courage to talk to her about what had happened and tried to explain the things that had happened from my point of view. I think...well i hope that I finally got her to understand that it was not her that I was unhappy with as she believed,but, that it was my frustration with myself that over boiled. I told her all the things that I had discovered about myself and the under-lying purpose of me taking the time to figure this stuff out was that I didn't want to lose her forever that I hope we might try again, go back and start over and work things out. I know this was a lot to ask of her , but I was still shocked when she point blank told me that because of what had happened she had changed, she was not the person she used to be, and that she did not think that we would have anything in common anymore.( first question: Is it possible that she really changed that much in so short of a time? or would this be more of a defence against me?) She also said that she would never be able to trust me with her heart again. Now I kind of understand this one...a fear of me walking out again, understandable, but never? would there be nothing I could do to reassure her? I know that most people would say something about time here, but what if she is saying that she doesn't want to take the time? And the most confusing thing is that she is saying all of this and at the same time saying she would not rule out anything...that if we were meant to be together we would be? I also have to ask about this, after a year long of intense relationship and a wonderful ,albeit short,marraige what should I think about her already moving another guy in with her in under 3 months? Is he some type of rebound or is it possible that he really means something to her? I truly love this woman and would spend the rest of my life happily atoning for all the pain I have caused her. Is there any hope for me? should i continue to profess my love for her and do my best to be there for her or should I back off and hope that one day she might look my way again?

 

Thanks for any advice you might have

P

rythaman

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WoW.. pretty long post. Must be powered by lots of emotion! Well, I too have some of your same quailites. I've never been a commiter, and I've walked away from a perfect relationship because I was getting too scared.

 

My advice to you is get into see a counselor. Find out why you can't commit. Maybe you'll find that you didn't have enough love from your mother, or maybe you weren't breast fed when you were younger. Whatever the reason (there are so many possibilities) you need to work them out. I would totally suggest doing this before starting another relationship with someone because it's not fair to your or them.

 

As far as your ex or wife if your separated, yes it's very possible for her to have totally different feelings toward you. I'm sure she's had to deal with abandonment, and she probably has some trust issues with you (rightfully so). All you can do is be open and honest with her. Tell her how you feel about her, and if your seriuos about this you'll seek professional help. One step at a time, start with a foundation and go on from there.

 

Lot's of luck to you.

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