Extremely hurt about his "rebound..."

[nomorelovish]

I really just need to vent I guess and get some opinions. My ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years has started "talking" to someone else a mere 3 weeks after we broke up. The break-up was amicable (for the most part), there was no screaming or name calling and I was under the impression he was just confused in his life. He kept telling me he loved me, wanted to stay friends, and then within the span of a week changed his tune and decided he wants to start dating other people.

 

What happened?

 

Is it grass is greener?

 

Is he rebounding?

 

I don't know what to make of it all. I know I have to go NC, but has this situation happened to anyone else? How did you handle the feeling of betrayal of them rebounding SO quickly? Did you ever become friends again/date?

[Pappers]

he's probably doing a bit of all those things... and also getting his mind off you, trying out the concept of being single, etc.

 

don't worry, he's not over you. often it takes men a lot longer than women to get over a break up, but this usually sinks in after awhile.

 

i'm sorry you feel hurt - focus on yourself and things will eventually get better

[nomorelovish]

 

don't worry, he's not over you.

 

 

what makes you think that? I'm not asking primarily out of a false hope perspective, I just really don't know what's going through his head. He broke up with me for so many various reasons, told me that dating and seeing other people was the farthest thing from his mind, and then less than 2 weeks later he's thinking about dating someone else. Is it really that easy to be over someone after dating them for 2.5 years? I would hope not. If so, I've lost a lot of faith in relationships.

[lavenderdove]

Lots of people whimp out when it comes to breakups, and don't tell you the real reason either because they think they are shielding your feelings, or they don't want to look like a bad guy.

 

He may already have had his eye on this other woman (or even been cheating with her) and didn't want you to pitch a fit or be angry or feel betrayed, so he did the 'it's not you it's me' kind of breakup. Then he slinks off with someone else.

 

Unfortunately this happens a lot. It doesn't mean he never loved you, it just means that for whatever reason he decided he didn't want to commit to a permanent relationship, or didn't think you'd work in the long run, or else just met someone else he wanted to chase and tried to let you down easy.

 

Frequently when people start feeling discontented with a relationship, they don't clue you in and go on for a long time while preparing to leave... so he may not have clued you in months ago when he first started thinking of leaving. So it's not that he 'forgot' you in 2 weeks, it's probably that he's been thinking about leaving for a while, and just made the break a couple weeks ago.

 

Many people truly won't leave any relationship they are discontented with until they have their eye on someone else. Not a reflection on you or love itself, just on a person who is weak and takes too long to sneak out the back door.

[Day_Walker]

Your ex-bf did what I call the two stage break up. He softened the blow with by going easy on you then he follows this up with the actual break up talk. You shouldnt be hurt by his rebound, because he has had time to distance himself from you prior to the break up and he is not in the same position that you are in.

 

Another side issue that it seems to me that the person who moves on first is always the one who gets the name calling with they decide to start dating other people.

[volpe]

i could be naive but i disagree... i think it is a mix of things. i don't think he is totally over you, you are still on his mind, he still cares about you... it's just that he is trying out being single. it's possible he really will stick to this girl... some people do that, hop from one relationship to another... but it's also possible he is just rebounding. i know it's really really hard not to take it personally, but you should not. it has absolutely nothing to do with you and you can't possibly guess what he feels.

[Anon21]

My ex got a new boyfriend a week after I broke up with her (after we were together 2+ years). She's been with him almost 3 months now, and she seems pretty serious. Rebounds don't always = failure, so don't convince yourself it's just a phase and he'll come back to you, it will just leave you hurting more if that's not the case.

[uj2004]

My ex got a new boyfriend a week after I broke up with her (after we were together 2+ years). She's been with him almost 3 months now, and she seems pretty serious. Rebounds don't always = failure, so don't convince yourself it's just a phase and he'll come back to you, it will just leave you hurting more if that's not the case.

 

Ditto, mine started seeing the guy immediately after dumping me, and officially dating very soon after. I would say she certainly had him lined up before she left me, although I told her what I wanted her to fix, and it took her 4 days to then decide to leave.

[Struggling23]

my ex fiance dumped me a week later started feeling butterflies for a guy she just met a week after that officially dating after 3 years together.

 

 

It's better to walk away

[Tezza]

^ I agree. Just walk away. The more you try and look into it the more you will get hurt. Sometimes there are no answers.

[nomorelovish]

Your ex-bf did what I call the two stage break up. He softened the blow with by going easy on you then he follows this up with the actual break up talk. You shouldnt be hurt by his rebound, because he has had time to distance himself from you prior to the break up and he is not in the same position that you are in.

 

How can I not be hurt by his actions? Up until the point we broke up things were going alright. I knew we were fighting a lot more than usual, but even when we met up to get my things I could tell there was a lot of doubt. He even mentioned getting back together, but that he just needed some time and space to think. He begged to remain friends, told me he loved me, was that all just a show to put me down easily?

[nomorelovish]

Your ex-bf did what I call the two stage break up. He softened the blow with by going easy on you then he follows this up with the actual break up talk. You shouldnt be hurt by his rebound, because he has had time to distance himself from you prior to the break up and he is not in the same position that you are in.

 

How can I not be hurt by his actions? Up until the point we broke up things were going alright. I knew we were fighting a lot more than usual, but even when we met up to get my things I could tell there was a lot of doubt. He even mentioned getting back together, but that he just needed some time and space to think. He begged to remain friends, told me he loved me, was that all just a show to put me down easily?

[nomorelovish]

i could be naive but i disagree... i think it is a mix of things. i don't think he is totally over you, you are still on his mind, he still cares about you...

 

I don't want to give myself false hope, but I can't help but want to believe this. Just a week ago he was telling me how unsure he was about everything. I gave him the COMPLETE space. I left him alone, didn't call him or anything. Then he text me on Easter, we talked on the phone and all of a sudden he thinks we need space. I know its because someone new has come into the picture, but I just feel like its so unfair to me. I know it happens a lot, but how am I supposed to stop thinking about it when it hurts so bad. I want to move on, I know he's a creep for doing it, but we're not together anymore so I keep making excuses for him. I want to believe it wasn't going on before we broke up, but I just have no way of knowing. I talked to one of his friends who promised me it wasn't, but I don't even know what to believe anymore. I'm so unbelievably hurt.

[nomorelovish]

i could be naive but i disagree... i think it is a mix of things. i don't think he is totally over you, you are still on his mind, he still cares about you...

 

I don't want to give myself false hope, but I can't help but want to believe this. Just a week ago he was telling me how unsure he was about everything. I gave him the COMPLETE space. I left him alone, didn't call him or anything. Then he text me on Easter, we talked on the phone and all of a sudden he thinks we need space. I know its because someone new has come into the picture, but I just feel like its so unfair to me. I know it happens a lot, but how am I supposed to stop thinking about it when it hurts so bad. I want to move on, I know he's a creep for doing it, but we're not together anymore so I keep making excuses for him. I want to believe it wasn't going on before we broke up, but I just have no way of knowing. I talked to one of his friends who promised me it wasn't, but I don't even know what to believe anymore. I'm so unbelievably hurt.

[nomorelovish]

My ex got a new boyfriend a week after I broke up with her (after we were together 2+ years). She's been with him almost 3 months now, and she seems pretty serious. Rebounds don't always = failure, so don't convince yourself it's just a phase and he'll come back to you, it will just leave you hurting more if that's not the case.

 

 

Did you stay in his life? Did you two remain friends? Or have you maintained NC the whole time?

[nomorelovish]

My ex got a new boyfriend a week after I broke up with her (after we were together 2+ years). She's been with him almost 3 months now, and she seems pretty serious. Rebounds don't always = failure, so don't convince yourself it's just a phase and he'll come back to you, it will just leave you hurting more if that's not the case.

 

 

Did you stay in his life? Did you two remain friends? Or have you maintained NC the whole time?

[nomorelovish]

^ I agree. Just walk away. The more you try and look into it the more you will get hurt. Sometimes there are no answers.

 

I really do want to walk away, but he has given me so many reasons and little snipets to hold onto. I want it to just be over with, and I am planning on going strict NC for the next few months to let myself heal, but what then? I know everyone around here says LET THEM CONTACT YOU but I feel like I'm one of those people who can't just let things be. I guess I won't know until I get to that point. Maybe I won't even care anymore. It's just so hard getting there, as I'm sure most of you know.

[nomorelovish]

^ I agree. Just walk away. The more you try and look into it the more you will get hurt. Sometimes there are no answers.

 

I really do want to walk away, but he has given me so many reasons and little snipets to hold onto. I want it to just be over with, and I am planning on going strict NC for the next few months to let myself heal, but what then? I know everyone around here says LET THEM CONTACT YOU but I feel like I'm one of those people who can't just let things be. I guess I won't know until I get to that point. Maybe I won't even care anymore. It's just so hard getting there, as I'm sure most of you know.

[Anon21]

Did you stay in his life? Did you two remain friends? Or have you maintained NC the whole time?

 

I went total NC with her for about 6 weeks, after that she started texting me from time to time to talk, I'm really glad I went the 6 weeks NC, because I'm in a much better situation to talk to her as a friend now.

[nomorelovish]

Anon-

 

She started texting you even though she is still with her new boyfriend? How do you feel about that and how are you handling that situation? From the complete 180 my ex has done in the last month I don't know where the heck his head is at. Just two weeks ago he was telling me how important it was to him for us to remain friends, that things were perfect and that he really liked how things were going. Fast forward to the weekend and he tells me we need space. How can someone change their mind SO quickly? I'm for sure going NC for the next few months, its not even an option, but I need the insight from you guys so I can make sense of it all begin moving on with my life. I'm not the begging type, and I'm not going to break down and start calling him because I really am serious about staying away from him for a while. I just need to know how to get over the hurt I'm feeling from him changing his mind so quickly on me.

[DaveTrump]

You're in shock and that's understandable. I'd strongly recommend a cooling off period to get your focus back. Cooling off = NC. Try 30 days and then build on it from there. During this NC you will get yourself back bit by bit, but you need to fill this NC time with things that you enjoy and NOT things that remind you of your ex. get your emotional support from friends and family. You'll be a stronger person after a few months and look at your ex in a completely different light.

 

Good luck and keep me updated.

[nomorelovish]

100% agreed. I know NC is the only way to go, and I'm not considering any other options. I know I should just stop wondering what's going through his head, because I know I'll never know because it doesn't matter anymore.

 

I'm just hoping to hear some stories from other people who have a similar situation so I can feel a little bit more at ease with everything.

[endgame]

Hey nomorelovish,

The same thing happened to me. He kept telling me he still liked me, wanted to stay friends, etc. We were alright for two weeks, then he totally changed his tune and pretended I didn't exist. He also started talking to a girl the week we broke up.

 

I don't know what to make of it either. But I figure if he's just going to cut me out after more than two years, then there's nothing I can do. I've been NC/barely LC the past 2 months or so. Believe me that it gets better! I used to obsess about whether he had GIGS or was rebounding all the time. Now I don't care as much what it is. He's the one who chose to run away.

[Anon21]

Yeah she's still with her new boyfriend. Sure I still think it sucks, and I miss her, but I've healed enough that I can start to accept it all for what it is. Like you, I also have no idea what her intentions are, but she's a fun person to talk to, even just as a friend, so I'll take it.

[nomorelovish]

After a few confusing weeks of texting back and forth, and him continuing to talk to me even though he's interested in someone else, we finally talked on the phone. We were on the phone for 2 hours, and I kept everything extremely upbeat, I was happy, asked him about her (casually), and we just talked like friends. At the end of the conversation he said he had to get going because he was late for something, yet right when he got off the phone he texted me back and asked me to call him again so we could continue the conversation. I waited a while and then called him back, and the conversation was just as nice.

 

My question is: If he likes this girl so much that he asked her to be his girlfriend only 3 weeks after being in a two and a half year relationship, why is he still talking to me? If I were her, I wouldn't be okay with that. Also, he hasn't told her that we're talking, and that he plans to hang out with me "in time." This has rebound written all over it.

 

I know he's going to keep in contact in the following weeks, and I need to exit the picture, but if I went strict NC without saying anything it would come accross as highly confusing considering how well our conversations went yesterday. How should I approach this? I'm already planning on letting him do all the contact, but I don't want to push him into her arms in the way that the "rebound relationship and reverse psychology" thread dictates.

 

Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated!