How to calm anxiety?

[Rickster]

I'm having these problems where I would muddle up my words and not say what I want to say when I need to especially during times when I get nervous. Funnily enough, I don't come accross this presenting a presentation for my class, but I get these problems while talking to certain girls. It's just so stupid because I can't get my message accross and sometimes when I try to say what I wanted to say it's not exactly the way I would like to put it. And depending on interpretation, it could mean another thing.

 

I just handed a note to this girl I liked explaining my feelings and I thought it would be a better idea since my expressions on a sheet of paper cannot go wrong. But while confronting this girl I was in a state of shock that I just couldn't speak properly. I can't compose this darn thread properly too, so please mind my lousy language.

ARGHH...

[Blue Streak]

I would recommend an overcoming anxiety process for you but you seem pretty strong. I think you need to just keep practicing. Is this the first time you are trying to hit up the ladies?

[Rickster]

I admit, I ain't a great womaniser. I've only ever had one gf before this and this makes this occasion the second time encountering this. With other girls, I'm fine. But there are just a few of them that I tend to lose my self-confidence.

[Blue Streak]

But there are just a few of them that I tend to lose my self-confidence.

 

The few happen to be those you are seriously interested in, correct?

[Rickster]

Oh not entirely. Some people for some reason, I just can't connect. But those also include the ones I'm interested in.

 

Anyhow, about that story with that note... I was turned down.

[mfan]

...Funnily enough, I don't come accross this presenting a presentation for my class ...

Hi Rickster. Not so surprising - talking in front of a class is something that a lot of people are nervous about, so no one else *expects* you to be comfortable doing this, so there's no pressure at all(because no one was expecting anything anyway.) I'm the same way, I like presenting in front of others, for exactly that reason, that no one was expecting me to be able to do it.

 

Whereas, it seems like you think talking to girls is easy for everyone else, so no matter how well you do, you will still be failing compared to everyone else, so this puts a lot of nervousness into your mind.

 

Well, it's not easy for other men to talk to girls. It might look easy from an outsider, but it's probably just because you haven't given yourself as much experience doing it as other guys have given themselves, by repetitive failure and learning from experience. I don't think it's magic; just a question of experience.

 

Is there a specific amount of time during which you feel nervous? Like 20 minutes or so and then you calm down? I wonder if imagining you are talking to a girl, or playing sound effects of a bar/club/lounge while imagining talking to a girl, could help get you over that "nervous hump" so that when you do the real thing, you are more relaxed again by that time?

[hmm1]

Alprazolam

[Rickster]

Hi Rickster. Not so surprising - talking in front of a class is something that a lot of people are nervous about, so no one else *expects* you to be comfortable doing this, so there's no pressure at all(because no one was expecting anything anyway.) I'm the same way, I like presenting in front of others, for exactly that reason, that no one was expecting me to be able to do it.

 

Whereas, it seems like you think talking to girls is easy for everyone else, so no matter how well you do, you will still be failing compared to everyone else, so this puts a lot of nervousness into your mind.

 

I never quite thought of it in that light. Now to think of it, it has some merit. It could also be that with presentations I do practice it a few times, so I can see it coming. Even when my audience have to interrupt to ask questions I still remain confident because I've thoroughly prepared. Whereas a conversation with girls (and sometimes guys but more so with girls) is something you just cannot prepare beforehand because the conversation flows like water and there is just so much interaction between each other that I have to think hard about the next thing to say almost immediately. I'm just too slow at that.

 

I do admit, I can get too overanalytical about anything and I guess that hinders my speech because I wonder whether what I say will be accepted, acknowledged and whether anyone would bother listening in. My mind is a hideous place, I get thoughts about every single thing in every single direction and it's like having to decipher all these codes to form and speak a sentence. And when I get nervous I start muddling up my words because I'm speaking straight off my mind.

 

 

 

Well, it's not easy for other men to talk to girls. It might look easy from an outsider, but it's probably just because you haven't given yourself as much experience doing it as other guys have given themselves, by repetitive failure and learning from experience. I don't think it's magic; just a question of experience.

 

 

Probably so. I don't talk much because of all the above reasons. I see myself like a sponge. I absorb.

 

 

Is there a specific amount of time during which you feel nervous? Like 20 minutes or so and then you calm down? I wonder if imagining you are talking to a girl, or playing sound effects of a bar/club/lounge while imagining talking to a girl, could help get you over that "nervous hump" so that when you do the real thing, you are more relaxed again by that time?

 

Well. I don't really know. I know at that point when I was giving that girl that note, I was too shock to say what I wanted to say. I somehow (and stupidly enough) prepared words in my mind that I wanted to say beforehand, but when doing the real thing, I could barely muster up enough breath to say those things I wanted to say, and in the end I made a mess of those perfect sentences I formed earlier. I must say, when she came to me to confront me to explain about what she felt, I felt a lot at ease. And everything seem to fall into place. I could form my sentences in my mind much faster from my already messed up head. I just hope that after telling her all of this, and accepting what she had to say, I can then speak to her normally.

[dr_styles]

As much as I think to myself I'll do my best to hold a conversation regardless (the whole "working on shyness" stuff) I always fall over in real life with anxiety as if I get caught out even though I see it coming or the question is straight forward.

 

Like today after lunch at a restaurant, went up to pay for the meal, and the girl asked me how it was. I respond quite normally "yes it was great", ask about payment (taking a particular credit card), and then she asks "so do you work around here?". At that point, it's as if my speaking skills go out the window. I mean the answer is straight forward enough, but it comes out all broken anyway. "No ... I work in ... out west" then to see if I can get some small talk (still processing the payment) "I'm just taking some leave ... to visit a friend". And this is true so it shouldn't sound like lies-on-the-run, but it does.

 

Hmm, it's almost as if I'm trying too hard and I panic thinking of what to say next or how to keep it going. But at the same time thinking ahead/planning calms me the most.