Girlfriends friend is bothering me

[Jonboy582]

Hello, first of all I would like to stress I am not a jealous boyfriend. But there comes a point if you care for someone its natural to be jealous.

 

To set the scene, my girlfriend would widely be considered very attractive. This means she does get a lot of male attention, of which I get told. She does not say it to make me jealous more in passing to do with what happened in her day. I.e. She was swimming and some Eastern European guy came onto her and asked her out for dinner. But that's ok I can deal with that I know she is committed to me.

 

The issue is her friend who wants to be more than friends with her. I know she doesn't want anything more than a platonic friendship with him, but it has come to the point where I really feel I should tell him to back off.

 

Before me and her date he took her out to dinner and confessed his love for her and said they should start dating. She said no we are friends that's all. Then a few weeks later me and her started dating, I have been polite and even friendly to this guy due to the fact she values their friendship. But he is constantly trying to flirt with her. He has phoned her up at least twice while drunk saying he loves her and she is the best thing in his life etc. He keeps trying to put me down in a manner that seems like he is trying to be friendly. Usually because I am unemployed due to being made redundant or flashing his money around. He is trying to spend pretty much a months wages taking him and her out for her birthday. She is refusing but still he is trying.

 

She is naturally flirty with anyone, lots of people come onto her. I don't mind this or at least brush it off. But I feel he is crossing the line. Im not being unreasonable am I?

 

At what point do I stop being civil and interveene and perhaps say something. What should I say if anything?

[huskiesfan]

I do not think it is up to you to step it at all, at this point, IMO. Your girlfriend needs to make it clear to him that she does not want a relationship with him at all, and if need be, she might need to cut off contact with him for a while. If he still bugs her and becomes stalker-ish, then you might need to say something to him to get him to stop.

 

If you do choose to talk to him, be polite and kind, and say "Please respect my girlfriend's decision. She wishes to be friends with you and that's all. Also, please do not put me down, I don't put you down." Make sure to be polite about it. Going all "jealous angry boyfriend" like will not have good results. It might seem like it, but it won't.

[Jonboy582]

She has told him on more than one occasion she just wants to be just friends. She also already refers to him as "her stalker".

 

I feel he is also very manipulative. He always says things like "I am very disappointed in you and feel I don't respect you as much for doing ..." Then when she gets down he is there to cheer her up. I swear part of the reason she gets down is cos he makes her feel like crap. Because he makes her feel like crap and says all these horrible things to her, I have told her you really don't need someone like that in your life. And she says well that's just one side of it he is there to cheer me up as well.

[huskiesfan]

She has told him on more than one occasion she just wants to be just friends. She also already refers to him as "her stalker".

 

I feel he is also very manipulative. He always says things like "I am very disappointed in you and feel I don't respect you as much for doing ..." Then when she gets down he is there to cheer her up. I swear part of the reason she gets down is cos he makes her feel like crap. Because he makes her feel like crap and says all these horrible things to her, I have told her you really don't need someone like that in your life. And she says well that's just one side of it he is there to cheer me up as well.

 

Ah. Not cool, not cool at all. After reading that, you should say something to him. Still be cool, and be nice, but still let him know you mean buisiness, lol. If he's manipulating her like how he is, I doubt that he is going to stop anytime soon.

[yellowcal]

If she refers to him as her stalker my question is if he is so bad why is she still friends with him? Also you say she is flirty, if she is flirty with him she could very well be giving him the wrong impression.. If she wants him to back off SHE needs to do something if he is her "stalker" maybe she should reconsider the friendship.

[annie24]

If she refers to him as her stalker my question is if he is so bad why is she still friends with him? Also you say she is flirty, if she is flirty with him she could very well be giving him the wrong impression.. If she wants him to back off SHE needs to do something if he is her "stalker" maybe she should reconsider the friendship.

 

I agree. i don't see why she would want to be 'friends' with a 'stalker.' besides, i think if she is serious about not wanting to date him, then she can set her foot down more strongly. personally, if i had a male friend who expressed his feelings to me like that, and wouldn't back off when i told him i didn't have feelings for him, then i would actually start avoiding him.

 

i don't trust your gf's motives, actually.

[d24]

there is no way you can win in this situation:

 

say nothing and you risk her and him developing a stronger bond

say something to her and you're a jealous control freak or "it's not like that"

say something to him and he'll make your name absolute dirt and turn her against you

 

there is literally nothing you can do except hint and hope that she realises it's an inappropraite relationship that he's trying to forge with her - and then hope she either cuts contact or at least lessens it.

 

Good luck, you're in for an extremely unpleasant and stressful ride.

[annie24]

i think the other thing he can do is break it off!!! if he is being disrespected, and she won't put her foot down with this other guy, maybe he is more important to her than the OP is???

[yellowcal]

 

i don't trust your gf's motives, actually.

 

Exactly. It seems she may like the attention she is getting from him or has other motives regarding him and is just telling you what you want to hear in terms to keep you happy. There very well may be more than meets the eye here for you.

[Sweet Venus]

I think your g/f probably has a hard time being "mean" to people. I give you credit because I know I could never put up with this sort of stuff...and just because your g/f is "widely attractive " does not mean she has the right to all this male attention when in a relationship with you or ANYONE. it's disrespectful , period. It also sounds like he pumps up her ego and she enjoys it while at the same time calling him her 'stalker"....yeah right. Sorry, not buying it. You have a voice in this relationship.....

and I suggest you use it, NOW.

[Jonboy582]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I will kind of reply to them all at once with some bullet points.

 

1. Breaking up with her, its no way near that.

2. She is very much into me it isn't detracting from our relationship.

3. I have had people I have referred to as a stalker in the past. But not broken off contact with them. I would hate to make them feel bad.

4. My gf is the same, she is extremely kind and thoughtful. And I know does not want to hurt his feelings.

5. She is flirty with friends etc, but I have never seen her flirt with him. I know that doesn't mean she doesn't though.

6. She is at Uni 130 miles away from me. So obviously I can't see her all the time. When I'm not there he is the only one she has to talk to in person about her stress with work. Although I do get to see her at least 2 days a week sometimes up to 5 (these are complete days).

7. I truly 100% believe my gf is/will remain 100% committed to me. I know some of you may not think that's the situation but she is unlike anyone I have ever met before. And would do anything for me and I her.

8. I guess I will have to play it cool and polite, I know I can raise any issue with her thats bothering me. Communication is the key after all, I will raise some of the points you guys said.

9. If I do talk to him I will pretty much say "I know what your trying to do reguarding *****, I would really appretiate it if you would stop. It is attention she does not want, and to be honest insulting to me. I don't mind you being friends, but its crossing the line telling her you love her and spending hundreds of pounds on her, not to mention deliberately making her feel bad".

[diabolik]

Exactly. It seems she may like the attention she is getting from him or has other motives regarding him and is just telling you what you want to hear in terms to keep you happy. There very well may be more than meets the eye here for you.

+1

 

I'll just throw out an idea: Make out with her in a public place where you know he will be. Maybe seeing the object of his affection in the throes of passion with another man will totally repulse him.

[yellowcal]

If you are going to label someone a stalker but still keep contact with them, then really what is the point? Obviously they aren't that much of a threat if you don't want to make them feel bad so what I think you should do is just sit back and continue letting your gf enjoy this guys attention and not say anything. Since obviously it isn't THAT big of a deal. I don't like hurting people but when someone is doing things that I don't like I have no problem telling them to back off, especially if I am going to label them as a stalker.

 

He isn't the ONLY person she has when she is away she can find other friends. It seems she is just making excuses but of course you aren't seeing them. Once again I will say, if this guy is doing things to make her uncomfortable she needs to say something and quit being friends. She is giving him the wrong idea regardless of whether she means to or not.

[Jonboy582]

Well she has other friends, but all her house mates are really shallow and dont care about anyone but themselves. There is one other house mate but he is never in, he also used to like her but since we got together. He has started smoking weed heavily and disappears for the whole day and gets back at like 4 am then passes out.

 

And as for a stalker I keep in contact with, I doubt you understand as our personalities are different. When someone sees me as a friend or more, I feel if I say go away it will hurt them and I don't want that. The people who I have had "stalk" me (I use that term lightly) it was more a case they wanted to constantly meet up, phone me every day, text me all day. Even if I didn't reply they kept coming. I would have been happy with a call a month and two texts a week. The same goes for my gf, she ignors most of his texts and calls.

 

Anyway I can see what you guys are saying. I will say something to her, and that its not really fair on her me and even that other guy.

[RipTideRush]

I would say something to the guy.

 

Make sure you say it nicely you he will have more ammo agaisnt you.