floridagirlal Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 I am dating a man who has been divorced for 6 months but separated for 18 months. We have been dating for about 3 months. I have been divorced for 1 year. My question is that I feel like he talks about her all the time. It's always in a negative way but I feel like he wouldn't talk about her nearly as much if he was actually "over" her. He complains about how she stole money from him in the marriage, cheated on him, etc. He says that she lies all the time. I mentioned to him that I thought he talked about her alot and that I thought he wasn't over her yet and he got upset and couldn't understand why I would think such a thing since he complains about her all the time. This is my first real relationship since my divorce. Am I expecting too much to assume that someone won't talk about their ex so much? Any thoughts or suggestions? Link to comment
steelcitymstro Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 I think he just needs to vent....you're his new SO and he's looking to you for validation Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Yeah, that would bother me too. I think you're right- he's not over her- not in the sense that he still loves her, but in the sense that he is still investing a lot of thought & emotion into her (even though it's negative). On one hand, maybe he has not had someone up till this point to truly vent to, so now that he has someone he feels "safe" with- it's like the floodgates have opened. It does put you in a bad position though. Yuck. How do you react when he brings her up? Link to comment
floridagirlal Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 When he brings her up, I usually just listen and share some supportive comments. He hasn't said much to me about her in the last week because I told him last weekend that he talked about her too much. Tonight he said that he intentionally hasn't said anything about her to me but he wanted to tell me something...and then proceeded to tell me 2 or 3 things that had occurred during the week that he hadn't told me. I just don't know if I'm too sensitive and since this is a new situation for me, I don't know what I need to learn to deal with and what's too much. It's confusing. I have no doubt that he's "in" to me but you're right about investing a lot of emotion (although negative) into her. Link to comment
texas01 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Your boyfriend needs a therapist and he actually needs some time alone. Don't let him do this to you. Hang on, so they're still in court working on the settlement? Why are things coming up every week with her? Does he still talk to her and see her? Have you met her? I've been through this--a recently divorced boyfriend. Don't let this guy rebound. YOU set the pace. Give it plenty of time. No rush. Keep in touch with him absolutely but please, for your sake, keep on at least meeting other guys just to say hi to or have coffee with. If he's the one eventually you'll know but it's pretty soon now for both of you. Be busy and light and cheerful enough and let him miss you. Change the subject or look at your watch when she comes up. You need to know about her a little bit, but I bet you have already had your fill. Really, keep your activities really light and fun. Let him become truly fascinated by you. See silly movies together, play games, and, I can say again having been through this, let him see the situation as "Thank goodness she and I didn't work out because I met you." Good luck. Men always come after women whom they see as in motion/busy/a little out of reach. Go enjoy your freedom and let him come after you. And no he should not be talking about her to you. Do not be afraid of losing him. You won't. Read/watch Rori Raye. She is FANTASTIC. Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Are there still ongoing court proceedings- like w/ alimony, child support or custody issues? Also, when he brings her up, once he tells you what he wants to get off his chest, can he let it go then? Or does talking about it put him in a bad mood, and then that effects the rest of the day? I agree, it is confusing. I guess I would understand more if he was having contact with her because of kids, or if they were still court to decide on money things. Link to comment
floridagirlal Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 I should have been more clear. There ARE 2 kids that they share custody of....one week with her and one week with him. Link to comment
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