Confused signals or am I just deluding myself?

[maxscan]

Hi all - I really hope you can help me as I am devastated and don't know what to do... I have been seeing a girl from New Zealand (I am English and live in London) for about two and a half years and we recently split up. She is 27 and I am 29. I really love her and would do anything to get her back...

 

When we met I had just come out of a long relationship and did not want anything serious. So we took things slowly and eventually developed a solid relationship. We spent the next 18 months having fun together and things were great. The only downside was she always wanted more commitment. Eventually she wanted us to move in together but I wasn't ready to. Although I really liked her I always felt a bit pressured and never felt I had time to settle into the relationship. We almost split a couple of times because of it. For my part I was always fully committed, loving and faithful to her - I just wasn't ready to move in with her.

 

Anyway, by summer 2003 a long standing health problem reoccurred and was starting to affect our relationship. I was always tired and our physical and emotional relationship suffered because of this. My girlfriend was very supportive, even moving in with me temporarily to look after me. Things came to a head in September/October 2003 and I had to leave work for a couple of months. I asked my mother (who is retired) to stay with me to nurse me as I felt it was unfair to burden my girlfriend. But things still seemed okay in the relationship and my health started to improve again.

 

In mid December I returned to work part time and my girlfriend went home to New Zealand for a five week holiday. I had hoped to go with her but couldn't due to my health. While she was there she phoned every other day to tell me she loved me. My health improved more and I returned to work full time and did some serious thinking about the relationship. I decided that I did really love her and wanted to move in with her when she got back (though I didn't tell her this). But when she got back she said she was unsure of her feelings. She said her trip home had made her reassess her outlook on life. Also her parents, who divorced 15 years ago, ended up beginning legal proceedings against each other and calling their kids as witnesses which was really affecting her. She said she needed some space to decide how she felt about us.

 

At first I backed off and tried the whole no contact approach but there always seemed to be some reason why she would need to email me. I told her how much I loved her and how I very much wanted us to make a go of it and move in together. She told me she needed more time to think and I left it again (or tried to). The only contact I initiated was to send two letters to apologise/clarify how I felt because I had become emotional and said some horrible things in the heat of the moment.

 

Eventually on Valentines day, 4 weeks after she had got back from her trip, I sent her flowers asked to meet up. She said that she didn't love me anymore and told me it was over. I was absolutely devastated. She told me she wanted to be friends but I said I needed time and space to heal. Over the last three weeks, apart from one more letter, I tried not to make contact. And yet there always seems to be some reason why she needed to get in touch, though she always made a point of saying 'as friends'.

 

In the last week I noticed something different in her manner and last night I asked her if she had met someone else. She was honest with me and said she had been on a 'joke blind date' with a guy a week ago but she had found that she liked him and is going to see him again tonight. She says it is over but she wants to stay friends. I hope that she is just on the rebound with this guy (though she said 'he is a really nice guy and they are very similar people')... I talked with my friends who suggested I stay in contact and have fun with her as a friend so she would enjoy our time together again. And so we are meeting tomorrow night because I want to talk things through with her and she wants to be friends...

 

Should I stay friends and try to woo her back (and if so how?) or should I cut off and hope she misses me and 'comes to her senses'. Or am I just deluding myself?

 

Thanks very much in advance for any advice you can give...

[Out to sea]

Hello there, sorry about your situation mate,

It is hard know what exactly you can do

 

Have you made your self clear as to what you want and feel for her?

 

If you have then I'm afraid there is little else you can do, No Contact is your only option, if she is seeing this guy, you will not gain much from talking to her, I mean, if she meets him tonight and has a great time and then tomorrow night you meet her and start getting on to her about the relationship, that will make things way worse.

 

It really isn't on for her to expect you to be friends after a long relationship.

 

You need to give the both of you time to sort out what has happened, especially for you, it will give you time to rebuild your self esteem, cause even if she came back to you tomorrow, you would be in a right emotional state and that ain't all that attractive, if you are to get her back you will need to be in a healthy level headed state.

However all this is worthless if she doesn't want you back so you need to prepare for that and accept it as a possibility.

 

Give the girl time to see how she feels, she is obviously confused about things and you will not help by being there cause she won't get a chance to miss you if you two are friends.

 

Explain why you are doing no contact, that you need time to heal, and then start no contact.

 

I hope this helps.

[maxscan]

Cheers Francis - I appreciate your comments. I have to say there is a voice in my head telling me exactly what you're saying - that I should have no contact with her and stick to it.

 

But then at the same time all I can think is that the last few months we were together really weren't all that great with me being ill and all. As a result she doesn't have a lot to miss...

 

I totally agree that seeing her tomorrow is gonna be tricky especially if it degenerates into an emotional confrontation (which to be honest is going to be hard to avoid).

 

That said I feel that if I could see her and have a good time with her - like old times - then she would have something to miss after all. Does it really have to be no contact at all...?

[Athena]

Hi Max,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that things work out as you hope.

 

I've been in the position of your girlfriend so will offer my perspective from that position - I hope you can find something helpful in it.

 

When a relationship is good and everything is going well and a guy won't commit (not for 'Now" as you sort of indicate, but for "Ever"), women start to wonder what the motivation is for the guy to be in the relationship. And, if that goes on long enough, women will start to believe that the guy may not have "forever" intentions. If that gets in her brain, it will undoubtedly start to cause her feelings to deminish. So many times, I've heard of guys at the last minute, when they are just about to loose her, go ahead and make that committment she has been waiting for, and by that time, it's often too late.

 

Look at it from this perspective. You're at your job and it's been going great. You put in 110% all the time, you really enjoy it. Now it comes time for a salary raise, and the boss doesn't come through for you like you think you deserve. So you go to him and have to say, "look, if you don't give me what I think I deserve, I'm out of here". At that point, the situation is that you can't count on that boss to recognize what he has in you, and to reciprocate the amount of effort, dedication and commitment that YOU have been giving. It takes away significantly from the relationship and your attitude is likely to change after that - you're not likely to be so enthused. We as women don't want to have to think of the commitment as a forced march on your part and if that is the way it starts to seem, it takes away from our feelings about the relationship.

 

Hope there is something in there that helps.

 

-A

[maxscan]

Hi Athena - thanks very much for your reply. I have to say I was hoping I might get an answer from the perspective you offered as I'm pretty sure this is a major factor in what has happened.

 

In fact, my girlfriend has said straight out that had I been more committed earlier in the relationship then she doesn't feel things would have changed for her. My view at the time was that because she was so willing to move things on I needed to be very careful about what I said so as not to deceive her or hurt her. That's why I held back until absolutely sure. Unfortunately too late it seems...

 

As you say as time passes the feelings you once had change. I can see this clearly with the benefit of hindsight (as ever!). My question is is there a way back from this situation? How did things work out for you for example? And if they didn't work out well is there anything your ex could have done to sway you?

 

My girlfriend said that when she went on this 'joke blind date' she wasn't looking for anything and was just thinking it would be a laugh. But now she thinks there might be more to it than that - like he might have the potential to be 'the one'. Now this is after just one date so no matter how much she likes the guy I think a large portion of her outlook is due to the fact that she is looking for someone to get serious with... Is there any way I can convince her that I am ready to do this with her for real?

 

I suppose this is why I am so wary about the no contact approach - surely that's just gonna tell her that I'm not really committed like I say I am.

 

I dunno, I guess you see in films, on tv, read in books, the person makes a real effort and lavishes loads of attention on their ex and makes them feel special and wins them back. I'm certainly prepared to make the effort - I just don't wanna make things worse...

[Athena]

In my situation, we did not get back together.

 

I think in trying to solve a relationship problem it's vitally important to identify what emotions are involved. In my instance and I believe for her, what you are dealing with is lost trust. Rebuilding lost trust is pretty difficult. She gave you chances time and time again, and you let her down. At this point, what you essentially are doing is asking her to give you another chance. I know for me, there came a point where that just wasn't possible. You can understand how she would come to a point where she is unwilling to expose her neck, again. As far as what could have been done to regain the trust, I don't know. One thing I do know for sure is this, 99% of women have three basic needs that need to be met;

1. To be convinced that their love thinks they are beautiful.

2. To be convinced that their love will fight for them.

3. To be convinced that their love will never leave them.

 

Convinced of these three things, I believe you will have a woman who will hold you in her heart forever.

 

These sound fairly simple but they are chuck full of all the things necessary for a solid relationship, love, honor, respect, trust, commitment. And, women are not fooled by false impressions when it comes to these things - we know intrinsically when they are there and when they are not. Some tolerate their absense, some don't.

 

Way I see it; you've let her down with at least two of these. How do you convince her that you are willing to fight for her when you haven't, how do you convince her that you will never leave her when you have? I don't know how you get from her knowing first hand that she can't count on you for those things to believing that she can. I don't know what could have been done to convince me. I think, as you mention in films and such, normal actions are no longer adequate. It seems that it becomes necessary for extreme acts of expression to make your point and that you REALLY MEAN IT and still, that may not be enough.

 

I think you need to realize that if she can find it in her head and in her heart to give you another chance, you are faced with a HUGE responsibility. You are the only one who knows truly whether you love her AS MUCH as she loved you. If you don't love her as much as she loved you, you have no right to accept the love that she offered you. If you don't love her as much as she loves you, you should let her be.

 

I don't mean to sound like I think your intentions are misguided but, I'm not completely convinced that Princess isn't wrong about alot of this being a loss of control of the situation. But we don't know you and I am sure there is so much more to you and the situation than a few paragraphs has been able to convey.

 

-A

[maxscan]

Hi Athena - thanks for answering my questions. I really appreciate your comments. The whole 'no contact' business didn't seem quite right to me and what you've said would seem to confirm this.

 

I think you're absolutely right about the whole loss of trust issue. I think she is finding it difficult to reconcile what I am saying now with how things were before. This is why I feel I need to be in contact with her in order to prove this to her and to some extent I feel that by trying to do the no contact thing up to now I may have made things worse...

 

As far as whether I truly love her or not I just want to say that I have thought long and hard about this issue myself. Throughout the relationship I held back because I did not want to find myself letting her down at some point in the future. I wanted to be really sure - and for a long time I wasn't. But I truly believe I am sure now. I really mean it when I say I want to be with her for ever. I understand the comment about loss of control of the situation and to some extent that's also why I went for the no contact option at first - to be really sure before promising something I couldn't deliver. The sad irony of it is that in my caution I have unwittingly made the situation worse.

 

So now what? Well it seems I need to prove myself to her but I have the added complication of this potential new man. I am seeing her tomorrow night (11th March) and in light of your advice I feel I need to communicate the sincerity of my feelings to her. But at the same time, if the evening becomes an emotional rollercoaster the day after she has had a fun evening with her new man (yes - she's out with him as I type) then that isn't going to work in my favour. Added to this is the fact that I think, due to my illness, she has lost faith in my ability to take care of her and look after her (perhaps that's a red herring but I think she needs to feel her partner is a strong person who will be there for her). As a result I certainly don't wanna come accross as a needy emotional wreck.

 

My initial thoughts about tomorrow were to try and approach the situation with the air that I am moving on with my life, doing my own thing, meeting new people (girls?) etc, but I am really concerned that this will only seek to undermine any trust I have built up with her.

 

So then I thought to make it clear to her that, new man or not, I am not giving up on this relationship, that I truly love her above all others and that I want to be with her for ever. My problem with this is that it may all be overwhelming for her. I think she needs to feel that we can have fun together still, that seeing me isn't going to be some big emotional drain for her everytime...

 

I also feel I need to take the time to really listen to what she has to say about the relationship and understand what went wrong in her eyes (it's not that I haven't wanted to do this it's just she hasn't been forthcoming up to now).

 

So - here is my plan. Please tell me what you genuinely think - I really need to get this right as I suspect I am running out of chances; if indeed I have any left at all...

 

I had previously said to her that I needed to break contact with her to ease the pain for myself. I had acknowledged to her that this would make it easier for us both to move on but I had to take the risk. I had also said that, in my past experience this approach usually did not lead to friendship - something she has expressed a strong desire for.

 

So I want to make it clear to her that I have decided to stay friends for two reasons. One because I love her truly and do not want to lose our friendship as well as our relationship. And two because I love her truly and am not prepared to let the relationship go without a fight so I am staying friends with her as it provides the best chance of reconciliation. But I want her to know that staying friends will require an effort from both of us.

 

As far as the new man issue is concerned I want to ask her only to be honest with me and that is it. I won't ask for any more details of the situation as I think this is probably the most difficult ground for me to stop myself breaking down.

 

I also want to make some sincere apologies for some things I have said and done in the past that have made her feel unloved or undervalued and then I want to ask her what factors she feels led to the deterioration of the relationship. And I am just going to bite my tongue and listen to her responses and try to understand them.

 

Finally I am just going to try to lighten the rest of the evening so we end on a high hopefully, and then follow up in a week or so with more action and less talk.

 

Please let me know what you think...