Carpe Diem Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 My (ex-)girlfriend and I split up one month ago after being together for almost 4 years. I am 28, and she is 29. After spending over a year practically living together while in school, we have been doing long-distance for the past 2.5 years because we took jobs in different cities. My ex was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has been on medication (and takes it religiously) since before we started dating. Although her case is relatively mild, her illness has been a constant struggle for her and, as will become clear, colors her entire view of the world and especially herself. She also has had a series of unfortunate childhood experiences that I believe have basically instilled in her an intense fear of abandonment, and thus of commitment. Her mother also suffered from mental illness, and her father eventually gave up on the marriage, and both her parents were unavailable for a large part of her childhood. My ex and I have always had a loving, wonderful relationship. Hanging out with her was never an effort and was always comfortable, even after weeks of being apart--she was my best friend as well as my partner. We have talked for a while about me moving closer to her. Over the past six months, we had been having disagreements about getting married and having kids--I have always wanted those things, she is not sure that she does. She always said that she loves me and wants to be with me indefinitely, but does not want me to feel like I have to be with her because we're married, and she does not think she wants kids. The thing is, though, that throughout our relationship, she was the queen of mixed signals in this area. When we were living together at school, she often spoke of having a family in a positive light and she would always talk about kids' names, drag me into jewelry stores to look at rings, the works. Apparently our differences had reached critical mass in her mind, because the relationship came crashing down when she cheated on me by kissing a female friend of hers. To add another issue to the list, she had always said from the beginning that she felt attracted to girls. I accepted that but (naively) did not see it as a problem for our relationship because she, although she has felt this way since college, she has always chosen to be in long-term relationships with guys. I also choose to believe that monogamy and sexual orientation are two unrelated things--someone who is bisexual is capable of choosing to be monogamous with a man or a woman. When my ex told me about the kiss shortly after it happened, she told me that she had been feeling uncertain about us for a while because she didn't think she could give me what I want (marriage and kids, and this experience also has her wondering whether she can commit to being with only a guy for life). I asked her to come to New York that weekend so that we could talk about all this face-to-face, rather than having things lost over phone or email. She agreed, and bought a $650 last-minute ticket to see me. During the weekend that she was here, cried and talked for many hours, but also laughed together like old times and made love (initiated by her) more passionately than we had in a while. She explained to me that she "can't imagine in a world in which she has kids". She is very intelligent and self-aware, and she basically revealed to me that she has recently devolved into an emotional wreck. She is afraid that she cannot be there for me 100% for the rest of our lives, much less be there for a child. She realizes that looks to whoever is around her for validation. She said that the friend whom she kissed was a "distraction" and her desire to split (which I agree is the best decision for now) has nothing to do with another person. She just cannot be in a relationship with me at this time, but she says she is committed to working on herself to be a happier person for herself. Last I heard, she has started seeing a therapist and is going to talk to her doctor about adjusting her meds. I do think she still loves me, though, and is still attracted to me. We had an amazing relationship and communicated pretty well. Thanks to this board, I have basically been NC for the last month. My ex has said things that leads me to believe that she sees a future for us: "The only way I'm able to get through this is by knowing that this isn't the end." and "You're beautiful and I'll keep you in my heart, wherever it leads me." At the same time, I know that she has a ton of work to do on herself and that us being together would basically be "in a different life" because I will not let things happen the way they did last time (I was not comfortable with her relationship with her friend, but I did not assert myself and I think she did not respect me). The question is whether I should remain in NC indefinitely. I know it's the right thing to do for now to allow her to do what she needs to do if she's serious about it, without me there to influence her. I know that she may never change, though, or that she may become happy with herself and realize that she just doesn't want a family. I'm also worried that she's in another city with that friend of hers, and that although she says she told her friend that she wasn't interested in a relationship with her, that she is going to try and see if the grass is greener. My ex is a very "in the moment" kind of person and gloms on to whoever is in front of her to satisfy her need for companionship, and I'm concerned that if I'm out of sight, she will convince herself that she's happy to be in a relationship with her friend even if she still loves me. Any thoughts on how to handle this? My ultimate goal is for us both to be happy, whether it is together or apart, although I believe there's a good chance that we may actually want the same things in life if she could trust herself. Many thanks to those who take the time to read this and respond--I love her very much and want this to work out. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Were you dating me? Uhhh... OK. The kids issue. .. She raises some very valid points. She probably fears that if she can hardly get herself to function how can she take care of kids or make you happy. Also, she may be afraid of passing on a genetic tendency. It sounds to me like her condition may have been mild, the meds may have helped, but they are no longer doing their job the best they should. She should probably meet with her psychiatrist to see if there needs to be some adjustments made. It is quite possible that if her life is in shambles right now she needs you as exclusively a friend and support. She may not be in a place to make any commitments with you. If she doesn't feel like she is giving as much as she is receiving (support) it will only add to her guilt. Also, as a future note, you should probably keep your posts a bit shorter if you want more responses. If you edit out some of the details you will probably get some more answers besides just myself. Link to comment
Carpe Diem Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Yeah, apologies to those reading about the length--I tend to overthink things. She does raise valid points about having kids with her condition. It's largely what keeps me from being completely angry with her for bailing. And the relationship definitely couldn't have gone forward with her feeling the way she was. But as much as I understand her, I can't really just be her friend right now because at the end of the day I love her, she did cheat on me, and I don't want to get hurt further. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Well, in my opinion, if you can't be her friend, then you can't be her lover either as that requires friendship. Link to comment
Carpe Diem Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I can't be in contact with her as "just a friend" right now (without being her lover) because it puts me in the position of providing support and emotional effort and being disappointed when she can't or won't give me everything I want from the relationship. Of course, if we could be lovers we would be friends (and we were both for a long time). Right now, I feel torn between protecting myself by letting her go and moving on and keeping the door open in my mind for something that could be great. I just haven't figured out how to do both at the same time yet, and whether that involves keeping in touch with her. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Well you can't force yourself on her. So, would you regret it is you didn't go after her and at least try? Link to comment
Carpe Diem Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I know, and if this would ever work, she would have to get to the point where she was confident that she could be happy in a relationship like that for herself, not because I was pressuring her. I think I would regret it if I didn't try. I'm just not sure if there is anything I can do or what it means to "try" in this situation. I know that any lasting growth on her part does not happen overnight, so I'm scared of waiting around for many months and being disappointed in the end. I think she would like to catch up at some point (and I would too, as long as I wouldn't be put back at square one in the healing process). I told her that I would always answer her calls but that we both needed time on our own for now, and she's respected that by not calling. Though for all I know she could be relieved to not have the relationship hanging over her. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Honestly, she probably is relieved. When you are struggling with Bipolar you have enough to manage with that alone. It kind of sounds to me like you are doing the right thing as it is to let yourself heal. I think if you want to "try" you should give yourself some time to heal and for her to get back on her feet. When the time is right, start trying to establish a stronger friendship then see where it leads. If it doesn't work out in the end, at least you know you did what you could. Link to comment
Carpe Diem Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thanks, you're probably right. Doing nothing sometimes feels so wrong, though it's probably what's best in the long run. The physical distance is a blessing and a curse. On one hand, my day-to-day life hasn't changed that much by her not being in my life, but I know that any second chance we might have is unlikely when we're so far apart. But I need to figure out where I want to be anyway, and not necessarily make decisions for her. Link to comment
NightLily Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 See the thing is.. it isn't even so much doing nothing. It would simply be waiting and being prudent with when you open up this can of worms. If she is that special woman for you, distance over a finite amount of time shouldn't change that later on. Link to comment
.thumb.jpeg.44db4c04df92b9d233296a0149430b4d.jpeg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.