need some advice/question

[KrazyDevil]

I will try not to make this too drawn out....

 

So 2 weeks ago my girlfriend asked for some space. I havent seen or verbally spoken to her since. We did live together but I was able to stay at a friends house for a bit then go back to the apartment when she left town. We were 2 weeks away from moving out of our place into another place and she decided that it would be a good idea if we didnt do that. I didnt force the issue and agreed. We have/had been dating for 8 months and I officially moved in after 5. I did ask her to marry me about 4 months into the relationship. It wasnt really an official proposal but I was just casually talking to her. She said she would in a heartbeat. I was out of a job at the time and living on savings so I couldnt get her a ring. I was pretty sure she understood that. Anywho, I have gotten the advice from many people as well as this wonderful site, about giving her space. The reasoning for the split was that I have a few anger management issues. Stuff that deals back a long way. I had 2 previous relationships (both with the same girl and one of those was a marriage) that failed for the same reason. I will admit that I have to take most of the blame for the split. I say most because there was alot of things I think she was going through too and I just added fuel to the fire. I have initiated NC except for when we were in the moving process because we had to coordiate things. Which I really dont see as that big of an issue. It wasnt the whole grooveling/begging for her to come back. Just simple emails about when either of us would be out of the apartment. After she moved out, I went and got my things out. While moving, I noticed she left some things behind. Some of them were a bunch of clothes, there were a few cards (the one that hurt was her leaving the Valentines card I gave her behind). To start with, I am going to counseling. I figure if I have destroyed 2 relationships and possibly a third for the same reasons, I should probably get help and grow up. I started the week that we split. We had gotten into a bad fight in November and she forgave me but requested that I go to counseling. Once again, being out of a job, I couldnt really afford it so I kept telling her I will control myself. The night that we talked I asked her if this was it. She told me no and that she wants to try and save it but just needs time to think about whats best, which I understand. Now, what I have to decide is that if her leaving that stuff behind was an accident or if she intended. I was planning on contacting her in a few weeks about the stuff she left. Nothing serious, just give her a quick email saying that she left some things she may want. I am just afraid of the response of "Oh, just throw it way" or something like that. I did learn from the first relationship that if she asks for space, give her space. But back to the point, as far as the NC goes, should I contact her regarding her things, should I tell one of her friends that I have the stuff (her best friend happens to be the apartment manager) or do I just wait for her to contact me? I truly love this girl and would like to spend the rest of my life with her. I will accept it if she dosent feel the same. I wont like it, but I will accept it.

 

Sorry for this being so long, I also just wanted to rant a little.

[rivercitystein]

Give the stuff to her friend.

[Grant218]

Yeah, giving the items to a mutual friend would be a good, safe move.

 

As far as reconciling with her, you have to prove to her that you're doing everything in your power to fix any negative traits you may have. Because you know her friends are all probably going to tell her it's not a good idea to be with someone who has anger issues. So the fact that you're in counseling is great, not only for the sake of this relationship, but for YOU in general.

 

Another option I could throw out would be to wait a little while until the time is right and use her stuff as a means to contact her. Then, while ya'll are talking and she asks "so, how've you been" you could honestly tell her that things are going well and you're in counseling, working on becoming a better person, etc. That shows her you're willing to step up and work to keep the relationship. Then, once you've planted that seed, you can step back and let her think about it and you'll look alot better in her eyes for working out your issues.

[KrazyDevil]

Grant218 -- Thats good thinking. Im just worried that if I dump all her stuff on her friend that it dosent look like I have the ballz to tell her. I also hate bringing friends into the mix like that. I have talked to the friend a few times since and she told me that the ex hasnt really brought anything up. She did recommend that I give her the space and time and maybe ask her out on a lunch date once we are both settled into our new places. Like I said before, I would be willing to wait a little and contact her directly to let her know that I have some of her stuff.

 

rivercitystein -- Good short sweet messege. However, from a females perspective, why would you recommend just giving it to her friend?

[rivercitystein]

She may not what exactly she left at the apt. Maybe it wasn't intentional, but maybe it was. I would rather have my friend give me the stuff so I don't have to worry about my reaction. To me, it would be easier.

 

I do like Grants idea about it being a means to contact her later. I think it's important for her to know that you are going to counseling for you issues and that you're serious about getting the help you need. I would suggest giving her this bit of info after you've been going for at least a month so she knows you really are serious.

[KrazyDevil]

Thank you for the honest answer. I actually just spoke to her friend and let her know that she left some stuff and she had told me to text her to let her know. I prolly will, but a little later down the road.

[KrazyDevil]

throwing something out there

 

so I was hanging out with some friends last night and one of them (female) was being very flirty. This was really only the second time that I have met her since she is a friend of a friend and lives in a different city. But we talked a bit last night and hung out. We ended up going back to our mutual friends house and watching a movie. Everyone else went to see except us and we ended up on the couch together. We spent the better part of a couple of hours messing around (no sex though). Now its only been 3 weeks since my (ex)gf asked for a break. The (ex)gf had told me that we were still together but just on a break (her own words). I have kept up NC over the past 3 weeks except when moving (see above). I really dont want to get involved with this other girl right now because I want to see how things pan out with the (ex)gf. The new girl does know that I am recently out of a relationship and that I am still hurting because of it. Honestly, where do I go from here? I know that I cant stop my lift and wait, but I also dont want to jump into things too quickly. I also dont want it to be like I am cheating on the other if we havent "officially" broken up. Any advice would be great.

[mintzsays]

if you really love your gf and want to make things work, stop what you're doing with the other girl. your gf said you guys were still together. don't mess it up if you really care about her. show her you're a better person.