Confused and need help

[nt33197]

I was raised in a Christian family and was taught to save myself for marriage. I dated this guy in college who I loved dearly but he told me that his grandmother advised him that we were too young (we were 19 at the time) to get so serious, and if we were meant to be we would end up together. I over-reacted and took that to mean he didn't love me. I turned the love I had for him into hatred and began to date other people. Long story short, I met this guy who seemed perfect. He lied about his occupation, virginity, everything! I fell for him, married him when I was 21 years old, stayed with him now 9 yrs and we have 2 kids together and are still married. It hasn't been easy, we have been through a whole lot of srutiny and hell b/c my family found out about his lies and my mom became hell bent on ending our marriage.

 

There has been some physical and verbal abuse, but I've hid it and just dealt with it b/c I thought I had to as his wife. I felt obligated to remain married to him because of my pride and shame and I didn't want to end up in divorce court feeling like a failure. I thought the other guy never cared about me anyway, so I felt like he (my husband) was my last resort. About a year ago, I was looking online on myspace and found him, my ex. I emailed him to see how he was doing (against my better judgement) and we started "chatting." Long story short, I realize I made a huge mistake that I can't undue. He confessed that he loved me back then and still does. Deep down I already knew marrying my husband at such a young age was a mistake, but now that I've reconnected with my ex I KNOW BEYOND THE SHADOW OF A DOUBT it was, and it is killing me mentally.

 

Like they say, there is a thin line between love and hate...and with some time and maturity I've discovered that I am still in love with him (my ex), and I am so confused. I honestly don't know what to do. It was easy to leave him (my ex) the 1st time b/c I thought he didn't care about me. Now that I know he does, it is harder to go away. I know that I have to, or my marriage will be ruined.

 

I kept talking about my ex to my husband to the point that my husband warned me that if I was still in love with him, I should go be with him.

 

I can't be with him b/c he is married w/ a child and I don't want to ruin his marriage.

 

I am so confused. I am too ashamed to talk to my family members b/c like I said, my family members are devote Christians and I know they will make me feel terrible for even considering loving someone else's husband.

 

I am trying to turn these feelings off but they won't leave.

 

Help

[top bloke]

A few issues here. Firstly you are both still married. Secondly ..parents should not sabotage their children because their advice is not always right for us. Your husband is abusing you..

First and foremost ..no one desrves to be abused. I am a big christian but its not a religion to force you in an abusive relationship. People in the church push alot of their ideas of guilt via religion. The religion in its purest form is a good guide for living.

Get a divorce instead of staying there. Your children need peace and an example of love not abuse. You wont be labelled a failure but the fanatic twisted pretend christians force not gods but the churches corrupt views to instill guilt...they are not practicing the teachings of jesus . Get out of there.

Parents love to give advice but they are not us and cannot push their views on us. They cant make our best decisions...only we can. His grandmothers advice was silly. Young love can flourish and he should have kept his mouth shut. Anyway that passed and you separated.

Now you find yourself feeling empty and wanting a dream that has not existed. Technically you are both heading to be cheaters so stop right there. You both have an unfulfilled fantasy of being together which appears to be something good to both of you. The reality is that he is married with a family and you are also still married. Why break up his happy home? Dont...you dont have a right to. This is where adultery is definitely part of the religion so steer clear.

My advice is get rid of your husband ,find yourself again and dont mess the other guys life. Hes a family man...dont destroy a family..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your ex is married so he shouldn't even enter this equation. The fact that your husband physically and verbally abuses you as well as manipulated and deceived you is ample reason to get out of your marriage. With the interference rather than support of your family, and your husband's abuse, it sounds like you are living your life under everyone else's rules rather than according to what is in your best interests. Time to take matters into your own hands and end this abusive marriage. You can't undo the past but you can change your future. Your ex is married and can't be part of your future...whatever misunderstandings happened then is over and done with...he is married and there is no going back unless at some point in the future you are both single.

[nt33197]

I would like to thank both of you for your advice. I knew deep down this is what I needed to do, I just needed someone else to confirm it.

 

Thank you for listening.