skittlesfae Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Okay... So my boyfriend has said this several times how he doesn't want our relationship to be purely sexual, and he doesn't want us to have sex every single time we see each other. And yet... I think the only time we have not had sex every time since we started was when we went to the beach two weekends ago. We stayed in a motel with his sister's family Friday night through Monday morning and only had sex Saturday night there and Monday afternoon at my house... But, I'm just trying to figure out how if he doesn't want it to be sex every time then why does it happen every time? It's not because of me either because he initiates almost every time. I want to, but I am trying to follow what he said about it not being every time... What am I supposed to do?? It's been a while since we've talked about that so I don't know if he's just given in and stopped trying to control himself or if he has realized it isn't a bad thing [i personally don't have a problem, because I feel very close to him and passionate when we do things]. I just don't know. Any suggestions or advice? Anyone been in a similar situation? Any guy felt that way, or girls been with a guy that was like that? Link to comment
arwen Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 This need not be a negative thing- I think he wants to put more emphasis on other parts of the relationship that need to be developed. Maybe it's like this for him: if you guys have sex every time you're together, it becomes this 'regular' thing that he focuses on. He seems to want to avoid that he wants to see you just for THAT reason, and make sure that there is more than that. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Sounds like he just said that to make you know that he likes you for more than sex. How often do you see each other? If you don't have a problem with it, I wouldn't worry. Link to comment
skittlesfae Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 This need not be a negative thing- I think he wants to put more emphasis on other parts of the relationship that need to be developed. Maybe it's like this for him: if you guys have sex every time you're together, it becomes this 'regular' thing that he focuses on. He seems to want to avoid that he wants to see you just for THAT reason, and make sure that there is more than that. Yes I know... I had no problem with it because I understand he doesn't want to evolve into seeing me just for sex or anything like that. Because I can tell he likes me for me, he finds me interesting [god only knows how...] and he relates very well with me. And he doesn't want it to turn strictly sexual. But... The thing is........ he isn't actually doing this!! I have even tried mentioning it to him before things really would get heated, remind him of his goal. And he'd be like, it's okay just this once. Or something like that. It's like he can't control himself. And I don't want it to be every time we see each other. I think if we could see each other more than once a week and talk more to each other it wouldn't be so hard or whatever. But it's just... he just is not doing it. He is the one initiating majority of the time like I said. So I'm like, what happened to 'not every time'? You know? Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Well, you do only see him once a week. If you don't want this to happen, have day dates or double dates where you can't possibly have sex. Link to comment
arwen Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 It could be that he feels like having sex more often than he wants to (the part where he seems almost uncontrolled). Are you his first serious gf and/or sexual partner? Maybe he doesn't know what's normal and has difficulty 'letting go'. Sex in a developing relationship can mean a lot of emotional growth so to say- maybe the feelings are unexpected and a bit overwhelming for him. Or he feels like it physically ALL the time, but really wants you to be sure he's after more than that. All and all... I'd be more concerned if he had little interest in other things and would just want to have sex all the time. Why don't you plan dates such that sex is impossible at least once a week? Meet somewhere outside, go for a walk, to a museum/movie/theathre/concert/... or workout together? Link to comment
skittlesfae Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 It could be that he feels like having sex more often than he wants to (the part where he seems almost uncontrolled). Are you his first serious gf and/or sexual partner? Maybe he doesn't know what's normal and has difficulty 'letting go'. Sex in a developing relationship can mean a lot of emotional growth so to say- maybe the feelings are unexpected and a bit overwhelming for him. Or he feels like it physically ALL the time, but really wants you to be sure he's after more than that. All and all... I'd be more concerned if he had little interest in other things and would just want to have sex all the time. Why don't you plan dates such that sex is impossible at least once a week? Meet somewhere outside, go for a walk, to a museum/movie/theathre/concert/... or workout together? That does make sense. Helps relax some of the thoughts. I have wondered if maybe he was lying about it so I'd think there was more than that and think he was just unable to control it... But I don't believe that, not really. The problem with those type of dates is, neither of us have cars and both our parents are little tyrants [probably a better descriptive word but that will do]. My mom refuses to take me anywhere but work [we work together basically the same hours] and his house [he lives about a 5 minutes drive away] and sometimes not even that. And his mom always expects return favors afterward such as money or something. Sooo yeah. I'm close to enough for a car though, maybe then we'd be able to go out more... And yeah... We have only been dating 3 and a half months, with sex being part of it after 2 or 3 weeks. Sooooo not our typical thing. I was a virgin before him, and it took almost a year for things to get close to sexual with my first boyfriend. And with the only other girl he had sex with, it took quite a number of months before things even started getting sexual... And his last girlfriend things never even did get sexual after 5 months......... Another issue being, our schedules conflict horribly... I work 7 to 4 weekdays, where he doesn't work most weekdays but has classes at night from 6-9 or 7-10 cept Fridays... And works weekends a lot... Soooo yeah. Car would make things easier though, can't wait for that... Heh. Plus, I've yet to have a license OR permit at all, that will be exciting. [yes almost 19 years old and I have never had a permit or license...... lol] Link to comment
hk87 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 My bf is like this. He says he wants me for more than the physical side of a relationship. It confused me at first too, but now I don't worry about it and go with the flow. Myabe don't always go round to his/ your house and go out places where you can't have sex. hk87 Link to comment
skittlesfae Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 My bf is like this. He says he wants me for more than the physical side of a relationship. It confused me at first too, but now I don't worry about it and go with the flow. Myabe don't always go round to his/ your house and go out places where you can't have sex. hk87 Again... I would love to do this, and I am sure so would he.. But at the moment it's not entirely possible... his mom will not let him -walk- out of the house, she is way over protective. If one of us had a car or friends with cars, then this would be SOOO much easier. As it is though, the most we can do is go to his house. [he doesn't come to my house, I don't ever like people over here because I don't like people seeing how my mom bosses me and tries to rule over me. Funny, because she is in a BDSM relationship as the submissive.... ] But thank you for the suggestions, extremely helpful. I am trying to not worry about it and just follow his lead and set my own at times... as someone else said if we saw each other more maybe it wouldn't be every time. And seeing each other outside of houses... Maybe I can start begging neighbors and my brother for rides lol. I HATE doing that though, bothering people to take me places. Maybe go to movies and pay their way, to make up for it heh. Link to comment
hk87 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Why is he not allowed out? What age is he?! My parents are very controlling but I do get out. It is made easier by the fact I can drive! Going on dates and random places is part of being in a relationship. By not doing these things it makes your relationship seem very young and just about sex. (I'm not saying it is or you are very young) it just appears that way to me because you can't go out together like a couple do. hk87 Link to comment
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