My experience w/exes coming back.

[sandrawg]

I've been noticing quite a few posts on the board lately w/people speculating about "When do dumpers typically come back"..."DO they come back", etc.

 

I thought perhaps people could benefit from my experiences. Every ex I've had, could not stay away from me post-breakup. My first serious bf--he definitely wanted me back, but that's not a big surprise since i'm the one who broke up with him.

 

The shoe's on the other foot when you're the one who's been dumped. And I'd never been dumped before until my ex-h divorced me. When he first started talking about divorce, I freaked out. I sent him tons of emails...called him constantly. Begged him not to do it. Let me tell you-when someone has set their mind on letting you go, there is NOTHING you can do to change it. Begging, pleading, etc., is simply degrading to yourself and rarely works.

 

All my crying and pleading did was make him angry at me--so angry he told me not to contact him again for 3 months.

 

After the divorce, I still wanted him back. So I trolled the internet constantly for sites about "how to get your ex back." 99% of the advice out there said, when someone dumps you, don't fight it. In fact, the best tactic, ironically enough, is to agree with them. "Yeah, you know what? You're right. THis isn't working out. It probably is best for us to part."

 

That will totally throw them off. And it gives them a loss of control. It puts the ball in your court, almost--it almost turns things around and makes YOU the dumper.

 

Then, once you're broken up, despite all the yearning and aching in your heart to do so, do NOT beg. Do not plead. Do not cry. Just stay away. Give the dumper time and space to mull over their decision and to miss you.

 

This goes along with the general advice on this forum of implementing NC. Let me tell you-this has worked for me.

 

After 6 months had passed, my ex-h contacted me around my birthday and wanted to give me a present. Later, he invited me to dinner. We then had a 2nd dinner date, where he told me he wanted to try again. By that time, I was over him, and I'd been so hurt, I couldn't do it. Plus, I had started to see another guy.

 

The post-divorce guy...I broke up with him for being an abusive jerk. He came sniffing around 2 months after I broke up with him and instituted NC. For a YEAR, he would email me from time to time. I got sick of seeing his emails in my inbox and implemented the "Crazy Ex" filter eventually.

 

My latest ex...we broke up a couple of times...I broke up with him for various reasons. The last time we got back together, though, he broke up with me three weeks later. I was crushed. We got mad at each other for an entire weekend, then the contact died out.

 

I was itching to call him...text him...anything. I would sit around on the weekends wondering what he was doing, who he was with...but I used great powers of self-discipline to stop myself from contacting him, MANY times. If I caught myself starting to text him or email him, I'd get away from the phone or computer and go to the gym. Or call a friend instead.

 

A little over 3 weeks later, he came around again, texting me about wanting to be friends...

 

It's now 2 months since we broke up and he's made it clear he thinks breaking up with me was a mistake, he misses me, etc.

 

I have tried to move on with my life. He knows I see other people now...he knows I have had a life this whole time. I haven't been sitting around crying in my beer...I've made that clear. I think he finds this attractive and, of course, people ALWAYS WANT WHAT THEY CANNOT HAVE.

 

Etch that into your brain. It's crucial.

 

With my ex, some part of me will always want him because we have a deep connection. But we could never be together w/out going to counseling constantly. Plus, he is immature and honestly doesn't know what he wants. I firmly believe that. I don't think he can have a rel'ship at this point in his life.

 

Still, it's interesting to me that he has followed the pattern of everything I've read and my experiences w/my previous exes.

 

So those of you who have been freshly dumped...pls keep my experiences in mind.

 

Even if the ex doesn't come back like mine did...the NC gives you a chance to move on and focus on YOURSELF. Eventually, you will have the peace of mind that comes from space, time, deep self-reflection and having learned many lessons from your previous relationships.

 

I hope this helps someone!

[ezious]

Thanks for sharing sandrawg...

 

Like you, I had never been dumped until my last relationship. I also begged and did all that pathetic stuff... I've been NC for a while now.

 

I know she is back to dating her ex, and I'm over the feeling of wanting this person. Part of me hopes she will come back asking to have me back only so that I can say no one day and live with the satisfaction of regaining control

[whatatodo]

I hope this is the case, I just don't feel like it's over. I work with the guy so NC is hard, but he seems to be emailing, texting and things more than when we were seeing each other. I haven't heard from him at all today... which isn't that odd when he text me yesterday I ended my reply with 'have a good weekend' so I shouldn't expect to hear from him. I REALLY hope he's thinking about me... I just want to hear from him I miss him SO much!!xx

[fifregister]

sandrawg this definitely helps. My experience with NC has been consistent with this as well.

 

Boyfriend 1: I broke up with him, so it's not as relevant for those who are the dumpee and want their ex back. From my perspective as the dumper in this one, I would have to agree that his constant begging and neediness drove me further away. He still emails after 8 years has passed.

 

Boyfriend 2: He hit me and I was in shock. I instituted NC. 2 weeks later, he stalked me at my work place and home. He called 30 times a day. I finally called him and said I will be contacting the police. Have not heard from him since.

 

Boyfriend 3: I broke up with him, and he agreed. I then wanted to get back together in the worst way. He said no and put me in panic mode. I tried everything, crying, throwing tantrums, sex, guilt trips. Finally I instituted NC. He came calling 6 months later wanting to hang out and catch up. By then I had already moved on and gained a clear perspective from months of NC. He definitely wanted another try, but I was seeing someone else. Now we're just good friends.

 

Boyfriend 4: He dumped me for another woman, and I said fine. Less than 48 hours of NC, he started texting and wanted to meet up. He said he made a mistake. I gave it another try. A year after that, I realized he is a selfish jerk and I left him. He's still sending emails to this day, and it's been a year.

 

Boyfriend 5: He dumped me via phone and I immediately went into NC. I had a friend help me with the logistics of sorting out belongings and returning his keys. Since then I have never seen the guy. He's called a few times and sent emails asking me to chat. He's also invited me to dinner and to travel with him. I have never responded.

 

Boyfriend 6: This was whom I'd thought was THE ONE, except he lives 3000 miles away. I think he gradually fell out of love, or stopped trying, or whatever it is. He said I deserve better and that he can't be in this unless he can putt 100%. I think it's a cop out excuse. I let it go. It's been less than 2 days of NC. It's excruciating, but I will move on, just like the times before.

[kitchentable]

wow fifregister. If my math is right that's 6 boyfriends in 8 years. I've had 2 girlfriends in 6 years with two years in between being single (and dating). I think when people like me date people like you there is a disconnect in what is expected of a relationship. I'm just guessing. For me, when I decide to commit to someone, I am 100% committed. My last ex had a record like yours and I felt like she never committed 100%. She was faithful and loving but just a tad emotionally unavailable. When I'm in single mode, I'm very honest about my intentions and talk to as many people as possible. When I'm in a relationship, I make it very clear to girls interested that I am completely satisfied in my relationship (even if I'm not). I'm not pretending to know anything about you so please don't be offended. I would just like to pick your brain a little on this subject. It personally takes me a while to feel like myself and reorganize my priorities after a break up. Then I "play the field" so to speak and get an idea of what's out there and wait for the kind of chemistry that will bring me to my knees. If my ex were to show up before I actually committed to someone else I would definitely consider it (provided we both were on the same page about the break up). Maybe I'm doing something wrong. What do you think?

[Nighter]

I like this post.

 

Thanks.

[Girl wants EX]

Impressive dating experience!!!

 

Have you ever really loved some of them? I mean the one you were ever crying for?

[kitchentable]

Actually I'd like to add something else. I ended the first relationship. She begged and argued. It did not "drive me away". I had already made up my mind. I didn't resent her for being heartbroken. She wanted to stay friends and I told her that it was a bad idea because I didn't want to give her false hope. I knew she deserved to be loved more than I was loving her. Nothing personal, I had too many issues in my life for anyone at that time., hence being single for 2 years. She's married now. Aside from being happy for her, I could care less.

 

Last girlfriend started emotionally withdrawing from the relationship. I sensed it and broke it off. She acted indifferent. Yes that hurt but I pretty much expected her to want out too. She wanted to stay friends too. I said no, I don't want to be lead on. She went a little crazy for a couple weeks but eventually moved on pretty quickly. I'm still not ready for someone else.

 

My point is, once someone breaks up it doesn't matter if you beg or not. If you did, don't worry about it. Sure, maybe you could have brought them back around for a short time by acting indifferent but do you really want to "act" to save a relationship. If I'm heartbroken at the break up, the ex will know about it. The sad fact is, once I move on. It's real. Not something I tell myself or others to sound tough. That's my advice. If you have to act for any reason, the relationship is broken. If the ex truly loved you, when you broke down and cried they would have too and you would still be together. Who cares about the games. Date adults.

[RobD70]

I hope this is the case, I just don't feel like it's over. I work with the guy so NC is hard, but he seems to be emailing, texting and things more than when we were seeing each other. I haven't heard from him at all today... which isn't that odd when he text me yesterday I ended my reply with 'have a good weekend' so I shouldn't expect to hear from him. I REALLY hope he's thinking about me... I just want to hear from him I miss him SO much!!xx

 

Stop replying and being his friend, he's keeping you as a safety net.

[Laniez]

1st boyfriend: We had been great friends for 3 years when he started pursuing me as something more. I reluctantly agreed and quickly but surely fell deeply in love with him. I went to study abroad for nine months and when I came back I broke up with him because felt I had changed too much and was confused. I quickly regretted my decision and begged for him to take me back. He refused. A few weeks later I tried again with a letter. It didn't work. Then after a couple weeks of NC he came crawling back to me.

 

2nd boyfriend: We dated for 4-5 months when he broke up with me out of the blue. Said he didn't love me as much as I deserved. After a few weeks of NC I begged for him to take me back. He said "no," but then came around to get back together 4 months after the breakup.

 

3rd boyfriend: 6 month LDR. He broke up with me because he couldn't take the distance. I enforced NC right away. He wrote me an email after a couple weeks and I didn't respond. I started seeing someone else. That's when he started giving me a lot more attention. 3 months after the breakup he asked me to move in with him.

 

4th boyfriend: Dated him LD for 6 months, then lived with him for about 7 months. We had a huge blow out and I left him (because he practically forced me to). I called him telling him I wanted to come back. He said no. We both said our "I love yous" and "goodbyes" and it's been 4 days of NC.

 

All of the above boyfriends=the same guy. Think he'll come back again?

[fifregister]

Laniez: based on past behavior, it looks likely that he'll come around again. Unfortunately, don't count on another reconciliation working. Things can never be the same as they were before. It's like gluing back a broken vase. You can put the pieces back, but there are cracks everywhere and it probably won't stand much pressure.

 

RobD70: I agree.

 

Girl wants EX: I think I loved all of them. I'm sure I loved at least two. I cried for all of them, but it could've been for many reasons.

 

kitchentable: I dated my first boyfriend for 3 years, so I suppose the actual count is 6 boyfriends in 11 years, but I agree with what you mean. I'm a serial monogamist and the longest I'd been without a boyfriend was 8 months. It was not a conscious decision, but my tendency was to try to move on as quickly as possible without looking back after each breakup. I feel the pain deeply, but I force myself forward. Alone time is important, I know...

 

I would say in my past relationship, I was 100% committed with each and every one. This means I poured my heart and soul into each relationship. I took flights to New York from California each month like clockwork to see my LDR boyfriend. I send them drawings to cheer them up and made sure I got to know their friends and families. I filled out and wrote college essays for one of them to help him get into a university.

 

I work insanely hard for each of my relationships only to see one after the other fail. So I try harder each time. And now 11 years have passed.

 

If my ex came back, I'm not sure I can take the hurt again. I feel that I've given my all and he chose to walk away, and there's nothing else to give.

 

NC is not so much for the ex to come back as it is for yourself to get over the hurdle. Them coming back is just a side effect. In my case, they'd all come back for one reason or another. And it has never resulted in me wanting a reconciliation. I guess once I move on, it's pretty real too.

[Girl wants EX]

All of the above boyfriends=the same guy. Think he'll come back again?

 

Do you mean these 4 boyfriends are the SAME guy?

[Girl wants EX]

All of the above boyfriends=the same guy. Think he'll come back again?

 

Do you mean the 4 bf are the SAME guy?

[Laniez]

Yes, same guy. This is our 4th break-up. He's almost 3 years younger and we've been dating since he started college, so it's usually a timing thing (me graduating and doing my own thing, him still in school, etc). Now he's getting ready to graduate and I'm getting ready to go to Europe. I guess it's time for us to really find ourselves without "holding each other back."