Broke No Contact and now feel like crap...

[Grant218]

Things were actually going great. It looked like my ex was moving back towards me. I distanced myself from her and it drove her nuts. She called me yesterday and was crying saying she was confused and didn't know what to do. I played it cool and then later that night she started texting me and i let my guard down and told her I would meet it her today to talk/hang out. Everything was great today. We laughed, flirted, and I thought we were close to getting back together. I just hoped if she saw that we had fun together she'd realize what she's missing and come back for good. I even took her computer to fix it for her and when I called this afternoon to find out if I could drop it off to her tonight she got a little flustered and said that she had plans with "friends" and said she'd call me tomorrow to let me know. I realize as I type this how stupid I was to give her back the control, and now I feel like crap again because I gave her exactly what she wanted today.

 

I've noticed that when she saw other girls were talking to me on facebook it made her really jealous. I was wondering if after a few days of NC I should tell her I'm having coffee with a(n imaginary) girl I just met to put the pressure on her or simply back away again and stay strong this time?

[LemonCheesecak]

I'd just stick to NC. Mystery can often be a lot more effective as she might see through the lie. But by all means, there's no reason you shouldn't try persuing coffee with someone in the meantime. They always seem to have a way of finding out!

 

But yeah, keep your distance, play it cool, that'll really put the pressure on her.

[veneratio]

If she asks if you have plans and wants to hang out, sure, tell her you can't cause you're doing something with [insert girl's name here] and end the conversation. Keep it brief, and on your terms. Don't volunteer the information, though.

 

And after that, back away and stay strong. Or just back away and stay strong.

 

Sorry man, stay strong and good luck.

[Cuppedia]

Don't do anything only to try to make her react, it's going to backfire and you just said that the problem with breaking NC was that you gave her back the control, so, get control back just the way you did before.

 

If you want to flirt go ahead, if you want to wait before going out with other girls then do that but don't break NC again, wait until she phones YOU to ask about her computer and let her go to YOUR place to pick it up, remain casual and be nice but politely tell her you will be going out (make plans ahead and don't tell her with who or if it's a girl) so you don't spend a lot of time "available".

 

Don't play games but be firm that you're not going to tolerate her being all hot/cold with you.

[Grant218]

Thanks everyone for the advice!

 

At this point i know she's playing mind games with me, and if I start to back away she gets really aggressive. She's only holding on to the rebound guy as leverage and as a safty net for her, but even if I stick with no contact I feel like she's got me cornered because I can't just point out that she's being unfair and irrational since I have every right to talk to other girls seeing as I'm single and she has a boyfriend. But at the same time how can I say to her "you need to make a choice" without being confrontational and fighting about it?

 

I just feel like if I stick to to NC it'll definitely drive her crazy again but in the long run she'll just get so angry that she can't have me and the rebound guy at the same time that she'll stay with what's easier for right now.

[Brownstone322]

At this point i know she's playing mind games with me ...

Mind games work two ways. You yourself suggested the "imaginary coffee girl." Mind games are a bad idea.

 

 

I just feel like if I stick to to NC it'll definitely drive her crazy again but in the long run she'll just get so angry that she can't have me and the rebound guy at the same time that she'll stay with what's easier for right now.

"NC" is a tight rope, I must admit. If you don't use it at all, you don't get the time of reflection you both need. If you overplay it, you run the risk of sending a message that you don't care anymore and you encourage her to seek alternatives. It's ultimately economics.

 

Use your best judgment, but I think you still need a better period of no contact.

[Grant218]

"NC" is a tight rope, I must admit. If you don't use it at all, you don't get the time of reflection you both need. If you overplay it, you run the risk of sending a message that you don't care anymore and you encourage her to seek alternatives. It's ultimately economics.

 

That's exactly the way I feel. So if I'm going to keep walking the "limited contact" rope, which was working great up until I blew it by hanging out with her, how can I enforce that I can't do anything more than talk to her right now without it blowing up in my face and me looking like the bad guy?

 

When I ignore her calls or texts she gets pissed even when I have a legitimate excuse. I just want to say " * * * * * , you have a boyfriend now...how can you expect me to sit around all day and wait for you?! If you don't like it, break up with him and then we'll talk..." but instead I just keep taking the high road and being polite and patient.

[Grant218]

Oh! How could I forget to mention this little gem of information. She actually tells me that she thinks she's pregnant. When I laughed and said "why are you telling me? it's been over 3 months since we've been together" (plus she's had a new boyfriend for the last month) she said "oh, andre (new b/f) and i haven't done anything so it would have to be yours" hahaha, ****? So we actually bought a pregnacy test and of course it's negative. Even I know that if she really thought she was pregnant for me she'd have said something long before yesterday. Is that not psycho?

 

Now I'm thinking if she's going to go that far, what would happen if I really moved on and she knew it. She would go "Swim Fan" on me. lol

[LemonCheesecak]

Trying to gauge your reaction maybe? I dunno, that's pretty wacky.

Like you said, stick to the high road. NC seems to be doing the trick, balls in her court now!

[Cuppedia]

Her behaviour is worrying, she goes from possessive to mean, not a jealous/indifferent which is more common and I'm sure you think it's a good sign that shows some kind of passion but I hope a small part of you is already aware that it could go very wrong.

 

I read your previous post and I wonder if she's trying to punish you in a passive/aggressive way, maybe she resents you or maybe she found some unsolved issues after your break-up, at this point I would say the best for both is being apart but if you want to keep trying to work things out then you must (MUST) do NC and stop worrying about her forgetting about you or not "choosing you", it really is a bad idea to try to be around when she is in a relationship.

[Grant218]

Yeah, I've thought about the same thing. Because of her behavior it's actually becoming easier to stick with NC. The only question I have is how to transition from NC to getting back together if the opportunity arises? I feel like after a few days of NC she'll be going crazy again and she'll probably say she wants to talk about getting back together just to see me or hear from me. When is the right time to break NC to get back together?

[Cuppedia]

Yeah, I've thought about the same thing. Because of her behavior it's actually becoming easier to stick with NC. The only question I have is how to transition from NC to getting back together if the opportunity arises? I feel like after a few days of NC she'll be going crazy again and she'll probably say she wants to talk about getting back together just to see me or hear from me. When is the right time to break NC to get back together?

 

 

When she says: "I want to be with you", not when she asks you for coffee, not when she asks you out, not when she phones to see if you are okay, not when she says "I love you" and is dating another guy. I guess she knows how you feel, and it seems you gave her the right to make the choice if she wanted, so she is aware of what she has to do.

Unless she asks you back keep doing NC.

[Grant218]

Thanks Cuppedia!

 

That answers my question. \\

[Grant218]

That's it. I've finally had enough....

 

During the last meeting with my ex I offered to fix her computer (which I now see that everything about that day was a mistake) but nonetheless I learned a hard lesson about the importance of sticking to NC. So I called her today so I could return it to her and then shut the door on her, figuratively speaking. She told me that she was watching a movie and she would call me right afterward to let me know that I could come by to drop it off. Trust me, that was my only intention. This was at 3pm this afternoon. So I wait, and wait, and wait... by 7pm I said to myself "I can't believe she's doing this again..." Then 9pm comes around and I realized that's how she wants to play. So I drove to her apartment, drop the laptop on the porch, called her and left a voicemail saying "This is the 3rd time in 2 weeks you've stood me up. There won't be a 4th... I dropped your laptop on you porch. Hope you're happy." *click

 

In a way I'm actually happy this happened because it finally makes me see how insane I was to want her back. It helped me remember why I broke up with her in the first place and I only want her back because she has a new boyfriend now. She hasn't changed one bit since we've separated. She's the same selfish, spoiled brat who's only happy when she's getting everything she wants. I put up with so much unnecessary crap when I was with her and I can't wait until her little rebound sees her for who she is. I also know deep down she wants me back, but for the 6 years we were together I had the power, and now that she has it (and knows it) and she's trying to make me feel the pain she went through for me leaving her. Very soon she's going to wake up and panic because she had a chance and she blew it. Her loss! It's hardcore NC from now on which is going to be so easy because it literally makes me sick to think about her and how psycho she's been.

 

Thanks again everyone for your support and advice when I was in a pathetic state!

[Girl wants EX]

Good for you. I feel exactly the same as you do right now.

 

My ex played the same kind of mind game to me few days ago (or maybe he just didn't care a lot). I felt we were on the way getting back together, I also felt his desire towards me. But, in the following days, he didn't show me much of his sincerity.

I then did the same thing as you did: I was a bit too enthusiastic then I shut the door probably.

However, same as you, I was the one saying to him "it's over" and I feel relieved from this childish game.

 

They don't deserve us. They don't understand communication is important and love needs efforts.