How often do you talk to In laws?

[Ac143]

We are getting married in June & my SO's father passed away last July. His mother & I get along well, actually I get along well with his whole family - grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc...

 

My SO's mother lives 7hrs away but will be moving in with us sometime this year, once she sells her house...

 

My question is how often do people talk to their in laws that dont live close to them? I talk to my parents everyday but I dont call his mom everyday, I talk to her maybe once a week or every 2 weeks so I sorta feel bad but sometimes I have no idea what to talk about? lol...she calls me too. Since she will be living here eventually I want to make her feel comfortable with that decision. I dont know...is once a week or every two weeks enough? Im sure she would be happy if I called her every other day or something because she is lonely now but I dont know what to even talk about lol..

 

Sooo...how often do you guys talk to your in law/s (that's you get along with lol)

[redrose85]

I don't really call them just to chat, only if we are trying to make plans to get together, etc... or if I am relaying a message from my boyfriend. They call, and once in awhile his Mom will ask to talk to me. I seem to talk to his Dad more. We're all one good terms, so it's not a huge deal to not talk all the time.

 

In your case, since you are going to have to get to know her better so it is an easier transition for her to move in with you guys... you should call her maybe once a week (Sundays or something) just to chat. Just talk about what's new with you (wedding planning, work, etc...) and she will probably really appreciate that. I'm sure she's feeling lonely with her husband gone.

[Circe]

I talk to my parents everyday but I dont call his mom everyday, I talk to her maybe once a week or every 2 weeks so I sorta feel bad but sometimes I have no idea what to talk about? ...Sooo...how often do you guys talk to your in law/s (that's you get along with lol)

 

That's the same as me We visit them every other week. Sometimes I might see MIL once a week or she might call or email me about something. With time we might speak more but - a) I'm not a phone person; and b) I havent developed my own strong relationship with her yet.. I still know her mostly from H's stories..

 

I mean obviously I know her - and have gotten to know her slowly over the past two years.. but for me it takes a lot of time to feel comfortable with someone.

 

And they only live 1/2 hour away!

[maritalbliss]

do you talk to your parents everyday b/c you live with them? otherwise, to me, that would be a bit TOO much to call my parents everyday while married!!!! I'm very independent though, and want to make decisions with my HUSBAND not with my mom and dad... that just seems little girlish (sorry, trying to give you truthful feedback). Honestly, neither of us (my husband and I) call our parents everyday... maybe once a week but its more like 2 times a week. We visit mine at least once a month - but never over 2 times a month. They live 20 minutes away.

 

His mom used to call him everday almost, but she got tired of him never answering (she'd seem to call at the most inopportune times like in the middle of making love, cooking, watching a movie together... so she'd wait till he had time to call finally

 

We both love eachother's parents (even though both have given us headaches more than once)...

 

Will he, you and his mother be living in a house together? Are you sure you are ok with that? What are the reasons for it?

 

JUst asking, b/c I don't think I'd EVER want to start out a marriage that way - it'd be awkward for us sexually (we've talked about it since we have friends who have tried it and hated it). We'd lose our sexual freedom (and privacy) of getting to make love anywhere in the house.

 

Another thing, you get along with his mother now which is good, but if she lives with you two... I've seen this situation get VERY BAD... for everyone.

She will be there when you have fights and will most likely take a side and join in (as in my friend's case)! You will inevitably have an "argument" with her in which your hubby will have to take sides on who he alligns with (it should be you, but my friend's hubby yelled at her for fighting with his mom - when she had evvery reason to be mad at his mom!).

 

just some things to think about, not saying he is a "momma's boy" but that is most likely the case whenever a mother-in-law is moving in with newly-weds.

are you really really ok with all of that???

[Applewhite]

A bit off topic but you are ok with starting your married life with your mother in law in the same house?

[maritalbliss]

Another thing, my friend recently had a baby - and the mother-in-law was there to "help" her 24/7 but is instead bossying her around and telling her how she's doing everything wrong, etc. Her MIL was not like this before they all moved in together - but once she moved in, the first thing my friend noticed was a severe lack of privacy. She always hangs out in the living room (which is rightfully her place to hangout, but still, try to imagine never having privacy).

 

About fighting, when I said inevitably you'd have an argument with her, its just that in every relationship that is close, you will inevitably have to "argue" a little - but are you ok with doing that with his mom????????? If she is constantly doing things that irk or annoy you, will you have the guts to speak up for yourself... will your husband take your side (for sure?) or his mom's?????

 

 

hopefully you and your fiance have talked about all of this - but its a HUGE thing, and especially right when you get married to have to deal with that alone with all the strange things that also come up in the first year of marriage that you have to deal with. Its easier if you two do this journey alone for a while, before introducing a third party (like a baby), same goes with introducing a live-in parent. it wouldn't stress a family that has been married 25 years already to take in their ailing parent but a newly-wed couple who have so much to learn together and are like a tender plant starting to grow- very suspectible to weeds or storms..... think about it. or better yet, be SURE you and your fiancee are on the same page regarding all of this.

[Ac143]

Yes I talk to my parents EVERYDAY & not cause Im "too girly" & need help with my relationship or ask for their advice everyday but because my mother has breast cancer & needs my support. I am VERY close to my family & wouldn't have it any other way then talking to them everyday. They dont butt into my relationship, as a matter of fact my parents rule is "never butt into another marriage or relationship...ever" Im also very independent but that doesn't mean I shouldnt talk to my parents lol...too funny.

 

Am I ok with his mother living with us? - Yes, I am. Her husband just passed away, Im not going to kick her to the curb. If we argue, we argue, I have a big mouth when I need to I will speak my mind. My soon to be husband will take my side IF Im right, he hasn't lived with his mom in over 15yrs so it will be a huge change for him too. We will be family & need to work it out....somehow. My SO & I have lived together for almost 3yrs & do everything a married couple does, share a bank account, share chores, own a home etc So Im sure marriage will change some things but not much. Im excited for his mom to move in, we get along great (so far). My SO & I talked about all this & what will happen if me & her argue, that we wont get sooo much alone time anymore, etc etc. We know what we are getting ourselves into...believe me. Wont be easy but I sure as h3ll am not going to tell his mom to find her own place to live, even though she cant afford it because if god forbid one of my parents has to move in one day, I know he will do the same for me. Family is number 1 to me.

 

Sorry went on a rant & completely off topic lol.

[maritalbliss]

Yes I talk to my parents EVERYDAY & not cause Im "too girly" & need help with my relationship or ask for their advice everyday but because my mother has breast cancer & needs my support. I am VERY close to my family & wouldn't have it any other way then talking to them everyday. They dont butt into my relationship, as a matter of fact my parents rule is "never butt into another marriage or relationship...ever" Im also very independent but that doesn't mean I shouldnt talk to my parents lol...too funny.

 

well you have very different parents than most then.

[maritalbliss]

My soon to be husband will take my side IF Im right

 

you won't know how it feels to have the most significant person in the world not take your side (even if you're wrong) until it happens and you will be back here posting about how depressed and torn you are.

 

imo, my husband will take my side every time (he truly does) even if I'm a little off - he'll tell me I'm off or try to make me see other views - but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, he is on my side everytime

 

he would never leave me to fend on my own, let alone join the forces that gang up against me - no matter what.

[maritalbliss]

My SO & I have lived together for almost 3yrs & do everything a married couple does, share a bank account, share chores, own a home etc So Im sure marriage will change some things but not much.

 

things do change when you go from "playing marriage" to actually being married. lots of things - and you will have to adjust to them just like any newly-wed does... and statistics are stacked against you - but that's another thread entirely.

[Ac143]

you won't know how it feels to have the most significant person in the world not take your side (even if you're wrong) until it happens and you will be back here posting about how depressed and torn you are.

 

imo, my husband will take my side every time (he truly does) even if I'm a little off - he'll tell me I'm off or try to make me see other views - but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, he is on my side everytime

 

he would never leave me to fend on my own, let alone join the forces that gang up against me - no matter what.

 

 

MB - you say some things that are too bold IMO. You dont know me in real life, how me & my SO are etc. If Im wrong, Im wrong, if he's wrong he's wrong. I wont be depressed or torn, I am my own person as he is. I know for a fact he wont go "announcing" to his mom that he is taking her side, he would do it privately with just me but that doesn't even matter because Im not expecting him to "take sides" That's just how we work. We dont get offended & feel like the we are leaving the other person to fend for their own. Im a big girl & can handle myself lol. Im not going to defend how we feel or interact with one another because how/what we do works for US...maybe not you & your SO IDK.

[Ac143]

things do change when you go from "playing marriage" to actually being married. lots of things - and you will have to adjust to them just like any newly-wed does... and statistics are stacked against you - but that's another thread entirely.

 

 

Yes things will change, I KNOW, I get it! lol. Funny cause statistics are stacked against you too, getting married in your early twenties as opposed to your late 20's or early 30's. BUT who CARES about statistics?...seriously? If I was too live on statistics alone there are many things I wouldnt do, for one move in with my SO before marriage & as a matter of fact..I probably wouldnt even consider marriage. Statistics are just crap in my eyes.

 

MB we just gotta learn to agree to disagree, ok? Me & you think very differently...

[Ac143]

well you have very different parents than most then.

 

Yes I guess I do, it might be because they experienced it themselves. My grandmother butted into my parents relationship & my dad hasnt talked to her in 10yrs ...that might have played a huge role in how they think now.

[maritalbliss]

MB - you say some things that are too bold IMO. You dont know me in real life, how me & my SO are etc.

 

again, you never know how you will really feel yourself until you are in that position, so in a way, you really can't speak for what you will *feel* in the future about this until it actually comes up...

 

I agree that we should agree to disagree on this one - but the reason I posted at all to your question was to point out some things that looked like potential later problems that will inevitably come up b/t you and your future hubby. Aside from a parent moving in with newly-weds, calling your parents everyday is just.... different. Not very many people EVER do that nor would they want to. But I see you have different circumstances somewhat, however, I would further question (lol if I were your psych) how long you talk to them, if you have a set time everyday you do this, if your SO is there and you ignore him for an hour everyday to hash things out with your parents, why you call them everyday in the first place, or how he feels about it (or better, how he will feel once you're married - b/c it changes people's views on each other's time values... but again, you won't know this until after the fact), I'd ask if you take their opinions on things (not about your relationship but life in general) over his... your choices in things, etc. You *sound* like you have to have everything talked about with them for their stamp of approval or their specific input...

 

when that's just it: when MARRIED your parents opinions shouldn't matter very much if at all - you should be hashing out everything with your husband/wife w/o feeling the need to include your parents on everything.

 

BUT I admit, I really don't know you at all, just read your intimate posts on ENA, so I could be totally wrong. and I'm not your personal shrink to analyze why you do the things you do thankfully!

 

But yes, I do know my hubby and I are in the "bad" statistically because we are young... which is funny b/c we are a lot more mature than our peers in many regards, but we have a lot (statistically) going for us too: saving sex for marriage & not living together before, which significantly say that we will be happier in the longrun in the marriage, are more open and honest with each other than normal couples, have a much better sex life, more frequent and fulfilliing sex, little fear of infidelity b/c of knowing how much control the other had over sexually urges, haven't and will probably never lose sight of romantic notions that cohabitating does to you, ... it goes on and on in positive ways that (I think) far out-stretch our being merely "young." Being young can be compensated for, other things, not so much - and they aren't really comparable in the bigger picture. (ie. living together statistics/having sex before marriage statistics have worse outcomes than being 21 when you marry).

 

I truly do wish you well in your marriage and with your MIL coming to move in; again, I only posted so that you can face some of the things that you (obviously) very vehemently don't want to even "think" about.

I'm so glad you've talked about all of this though, that's good.

 

Agree to disagree

[Ac143]

Oh we thought about it..plenty. As a matter of fact we intentionally bought a 6 bedroom home that has an attached mother in law suite with her own living room, bedroom, bathroom & entrance to the home to make things alittle easier for all of us when she moves in, so we aren't on top of each other. We would be very naive & stupid if we thought its going to be all happy/great times when his mother moves in lol. We have discussed this in length for a good 8 months now. We know of all the challenges we will face but it needs to be done. We aren't going to tell his mother, screw off just cause we might end up having extra problems. One day at a time, one problem/challenge at a time, we will work thru it. Many people DO live with their in laws. I do not believe in sending parents to a nursing home. That's OUR belief. His mother also doesn't plan on staying forever, she is very independent & once she is on her feet she wants her own place. But we're not going to rush her out either.

 

My SO encourages me to speak to my parents everyday, I dont ask them for advice. Its normal in our eyes & not a problem at all. I dont know how or why it would be unless I was reaching out to them for relationship advice everyday or how I should handle something - which I dont do on a regular basis...just a hey how are you doing today? blah blah. Only me & my SO discuss those important things. He comes home everyday & asks what my parents are up to lol. I give them advice & support thru this cancer ordeal. My family is very close & no therapist, friend etc will tell me it's "wrong" or childish to talk to them everyday..lol I wouldnt be marrying my SO if he thought that way either, which he doesn't...thank goodness! He is the most supportive, gentle, caring person I have ever met.

 

Not sure how this post got so re railed..LOL. But thank you for your advice!

[maritalbliss]

I think it was just the points you made in the first post that me and another poster thought were more "important" issues to point out. But it sounds like you and him are very much on the same page and very "realistic" in your views of things.

 

and again, its AMAZING you talk to your parents everyday - glad you have such wonderful parents!

[Circe]

Yes I guess I do, it might be because they experienced it themselves. My grandmother butted into my parents relationship & my dad hasnt talked to her in 10yrs ...that might have played a huge role in how they think now.

 

Off topic, I know - but my parents are just like yours. Never butt into other peoples' relationships/marriage is their philosophy - and I'm sure its because they have experienced first hand the pain that can be experienced when family members butt in.

 

You will work things out when your MIL starts living with you - and if its not working - changes can be made.

 

Are you worried that the nature/dynamics will change a lot when she moves in (you'll be a big live-in family) to where they are now (when you only speak once or twice a week)?

 

Changes take time to adjust to but you seem like you have a great head on your shoulders ..

[Ac143]

I think it was just the points you made in the first post that me and another poster thought were more "important" issues to point out. But it sounds like you and him are very much on the same page and very "realistic" in your views of things.

 

and again, its AMAZING you talk to your parents everyday - glad you have such wonderful parents!

 

Ahh ok, I didn't get into detail with my MIL moving in, in the post cause I know we have it under control & nothing else can be really said or done that we haven't thought of already and/or some thing we will just have to see what happens once she moves in. lol. But I know what you are saying...

 

 

Off topic, I know - but my parents are just like yours. Never butt into other peoples' relationships/marriage is their philosophy - and I'm sure its because they have experienced first hand the pain that can be experienced when family members butt in.

 

You will work things out when your MIL starts living with you - and if its not working - changes can be made.

 

Are you worried that the nature/dynamics will change a lot when she moves in (you'll be a big live-in family) to where they are now (when you only speak once or twice a week)?

 

Changes take time to adjust to but you seem like you have a great head on your shoulders ..

 

Yup, I guess our parents know first hand how bad it can get when a family member gets "involved" so they dont butt in.

 

Am I worried? I do have concerns & so does he. I know & my SO knows that its going to be hard & it will take time to adjust, going from just us & our puppies to us, her & our puppies. lol I always wanted a big family & never thought of in laws living with me as a problem, I welcomed it actually. BUT like I said we would be very navie & stupid to think it will be only great all the time. I know his mother well enough already & foresee some "problems" - he knows what they are too & we discussed everything about a thousand times. Him & I are on the same page with the all important things regarding her move in as of right now. There will be tons of things Im sure we overlooked and/or wont noticed until she moves it, then we will deal with them. It will be a huge adjustment for her too, not just us. Im sure she wont be comfortable going from living with her husband, kids & her own home for 30+ yrs to living with her 1 son & me. Im actually starting to believe she might never move in or it will be alongggg time because she is taking her sweet 'ol time lol. Meanwhile my SO hasn't lived at home since he was 18 & isn't THAT close to family or at least not as close as I am to mine. He is way more concerned about his mother moving in then I am.

 

Anyway - we will see, if it's not working we will change it. My SO is so intelligent its almost scary, he's "book" smart but he's much more street smart & has alot of common sense so him taking sides & "calling me out" isn't even a consider AT ALL because he will never do it & I think its "common sense" not to call out your wife lol. I can bet my life on it, that's how sure I am...seriously. If he ever does then I'll deal with it but until then Im not worried about that. And if something isn't working we will make sure to change it. We are very direct, straight forward people, no bsing around lol.

[maritalbliss]

Im sure she wont be comfortable going from living with her husband, kids & her own home for 30+ yrs to living with her 1 son & me. Im actually starting to believe she might never move in or it will be alongggg time because she is taking her sweet 'ol time lol. QUOTE]

 

how has she been getting along now?? She might feel a little strange moving in with newly-weds... its a lot different from moving in with your children when you're older (and need the medical support) and when they've already been married 20 years... it just is, and she probably knows that. But with the size of the place you have, and with her own quarters, it sounds like it won't really be a problem of crowding or even much of privacy (depending on how big I guess it really is).... idk??

[Ac143]

Im sure she wont be comfortable going from living with her husband, kids & her own home for 30+ yrs to living with her 1 son & me. Im actually starting to believe she might never move in or it will be alongggg time because she is taking her sweet 'ol time lol. QUOTE]

 

how has she been getting along now?? She might feel a little strange moving in with newly-weds... its a lot different from moving in with your children when you're older (and need the medical support) and when they've already been married 20 years... it just is, and she probably knows that. But with the size of the place you have, and with her own quarters, it sounds like it won't really be a problem of crowding or even much of privacy (depending on how big I guess it really is).... idk??

 

What do you mean getting along? Financially or with us? Financially she has some money still left from saving, which will be gone soon. We all get along great right now. The house is huge almost 4000 sq ft, her part of the house is like an apartment & in its own corner far away from us - its bigger then my first apt I had which was only 800 sq ft lol. Anyway - she never told us she feels awkward but we can "feel" it when we all talk about it & Im sure she does. That's just another "issue" we will all need to deal with. She's not that healthy either I mean she's capable of taking care of herself but has alot of heart problems the same thing his father had & his dad passed away at 56. So she can't work & will be getting disability soon & once she sells her house she said she wants to buy another place, eventually...close to us. So this all might be temporary but it might not be...depending on how it all plays out, you know?

[maritalbliss]

I've heard that unfornately, disability check is not very much.... But either way, it sounds like it will turn out ok - and you'll keep up your good relationship with her. Honestly, if I were in your place, I'd want her to move in too.

I think its good that you sound prepared to make in permanent if you need to... b/c for one, the check is probably not enough for her to really live on her own after she goes through her savings (w/o her working somewhere to make extra money to make it)... and another, she has health problems that could worsen over time to where she needs someone to care for her 24/7.

 

My parents saw their parents have to deal with their ailing parents living with them. My dad swears it is what contributed to his mother's stroke - forever changing her as a person. He always said how stressful it was for his mom to be taking care of her parents in her house, along with her own growing children.

 

Its called the "sandwhich" generation: we not only take care of our children but have to take care of our parents in old age as well. And so, my parents want me to put them in a nursing home when they are older - they would never want to be a burden to me like that. And while I hate the thought of a nursing home, my husband and I are planning on having 4 children - we won't have any extra time to be "on-call" nurses 24/7. Sounds horrible, but its what my parents have always told me and expect of me. Because they witnessed how hard it was on the couple to balance life, work, children, and then their parents as well.

 

there's no right answer, either way has its bad points... but yea.